


Look. Don't Touch (for this will destroy us)

by Naojinxd



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Adult Content, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Animal Attack, Car Accidents, Cheating, Childbirth, Domestic Violence, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gun Violence, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Mentions of Cancer, Mild Language, Military Background, Minor Character Death, Multi, Off-screen Relationship(s), Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-08-11 09:46:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 108,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7886299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naojinxd/pseuds/Naojinxd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke Griffin has held a secret for her entire life: whenever she looks at her reflection she doesn't see her blonde, wavy hair or her deep blue eyes. She stares at a woman with long chestnut hair and cold, piercing green eyes. She never knew what it meant when she saw this woman looking back at her, until one day the woman in the mirror steps into her life and everything changes.</p><p>Or in a world where your reflection does not show you but your soulmate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Woman in the Mirror

 

The sound of the shower running pulls Clarke from her dreams. Her heavy eyes peer over to the clock and she lets out a sigh. It’s entirely too early for her to be up. She stretches out in her bed and feels the other side still warm from the body that was previously there. Her Snowshoe, Horus, was perched above her on the headboard of the bed; having an ever watchful eye on his companion. She rubs her eyes as she yawns and looks up at the ceiling fan, reluctant to keep them open. The bedroom was dimly lit from the light that snuck in from the cracked door of the bathroom, Clarke observed as she turned on to her side to face the intruding gleam. It was only then that she noticed she was completely absent of clothing and a wicked smirk materialized on her face. Images of the night before danced around her mind of her drunken stupor and much needed physical release. A delightful sigh left her lips when she hears the sound of rushing water stop. The bathroom door opens moments later and Clarke smiles at Finn emerging from the steam filled room.

“Good morning, princess.” Finn gives her a smirk as he wraps his lower half in a towel. Clarke watches him with heavy eyes as he crawls into bed next to her to kiss her temple. A joyful sound lingers in her throat and she closes her eyes as soon as his lips press against her skin.

“It’ll be even better if you didn’t have to leave me for eight months.” Her voice was thick from sleep and filled with longing.

“Duty calls, Clarke.” Finn props himself up on one elbow and he looks down at her. He slowly brushes a strand of her blonde hair away from her face and tucks it behind her ear. “I’ll be back before you know it.” Finn quickly pecked her lips before getting up and leaving the room. 

Horus leaps down onto the bed and they both watch him leave. Clarke can’t help the warm feeling in her chest when she thinks about Finn. They’ve been together for almost three years and when he got down on one knee a month ago, she could swear she would have died of happiness. The thought of him leaving her for a better part of a year makes Clarke feel slightly abandoned. Finn is a fighter pilot; or as Clarke calls him, Flyboy. He needed to catch a flight to a naval base to go underway in a few days time. The only thing that she could hold on to was the fact that when he comes back, they can finally be joined together as man and wife. _A spring wedding_ Clarke thought happily.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

It has been hours since Clarke dropped Finn off at the airport and now it was her turn to get ready for work. The apartment she shared with Finn felt empty to her now and she could only hope she can stay busy to keep her mind occupied. When she steps into the bathroom to start the shower for herself, a flash of brown hair lingers in her peripherals. Clarke turns to see her reflection in the mirror and stares at the woman looking back at her. She does not see her deep blue eyes or her wavy blonde hair in her reflection, but of a woman with long flowing chestnut hair and piercing green eyes. For as long as she could remember, Clarke has seen this woman in every reflection. She’ll drink the woman in her cup of tea. See her passing by in the windows of the building Clarke walked along. The only time she saw her own image was in photographs. 

Clarke never spoke of the woman in the mirror to anyone. She wasn’t crazy and Clarke was sure her mother would throw her into the white padded room if she mentioned seeing the woman every where she went. So she kept her a secret and what a lovely secret she was. With lush pink lips and wild dark hair, this woman was beautiful. Clarke ripped herself from the emerald gaze and went right back to the task at hand. She was going to be late if she kept pondering about the meaning of her situation. Stripping off her clothes, Clarke stepped inside the inviting warmth of the water raining down, but her thoughts betray her. Hard green eyes flood her mind again and she can’t help the feeling of longing filling her chest. Clarke looked at herself in the glass of the enclosed shower, meeting the other woman’s gaze. All she could do was smile because even though those eyes made her shudder, she saw something more there. Something that felt like home.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“You have a new assignment, Griffin.” Clarke looked up from the Victorian painting she was restoring. She lets out a heavy sigh when she saw her boss walking towards her holding a curved sheathed sword.

“I’ll get right on it, Natalia, once I finish with this piece.” Clarke turned her attention back to the painting she was working on.

“That won’t do.” She placed the sword on the table, that was Clarke’s desk. “We just received a large donation to the museum and the donor wants this sword restored to its original glory before the month ends.” 

Clarke perched her lips together as she turned towards the sword on her desk. With careful hands, she unsheathed the weapon and looked at the tarnished steel of the blade. Those green eyes peered at her through the blemish.

“Thirteenth century Mongolian sword.” Natalia spoke before Clarke could question. “It’s presumed that Genghis Khan himself used it.” Clarke heard the sound of Natalia’s heels echo away from her. 

Clarke squeezed the bridge of her nose as she felt the twinge of pain that was caused by her emerging headache. It wasn’t that she didn’t like her job; Clarke loved it. Restoring artwork brought something out of her that made her feel like she was actually doing something good. Sure, it wasn’t like going to fight off terrorists like Finn was doing or working at a soup kitchen, but Clarke felt like art brought people together and restoring these extraordinary pieces back to life was like preserving history.

She slid the sword back into its sheath and placed it in front of her. _Who on earth would pay to have something like this?_ Clarke thought. _Why would anyone want a piece of something that has such a terrible reputation?_ She shook her head and let out a long sigh. What ever the case was, Clarke just hoped this piece of history wouldn't be staying in her museum.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“How about Limpet Shell?” Clarke passed around a color palette to her mother. She sat in her mother’s living room later that evening with two of her friends, Raven and Octavia.

“That looks a lot like mint.” Abby took the palette, examining the color. “Are you sure you like this one?”

“You might be color blind, Abby.” Raven teased. “That’s definitely more blueish/green than mint.”

“Well, if you’re going to have that one,” Octavia shifted to get a better look of the color Clarke suggested, “you might want to consider a beach wedding.”

“That doesn’t sound very much like a spring wedding.” Clarke’s shoulders slumped. “I was thinking more of a rustic setting.”

A chuckle escaped Raven.

“Leave it to Clarke to go all hipster on us and go trudging in the woods.”

Clarke laughed at the thought of her friends and family complaining about the bugs and dirt they’ll be battling. She took delight in these moments where she got to spend time with the people closest to her. Sometimes months would go by until they were all together like this; drinking wine while either making plans to get together again or exchanging the latest gossip at their respective careers.

They were truly a diverse bunch when it came to their career choice; her mother was a cardiologist and a damn good one at that. Octavia just landed a job at Polaris, a major privatized military contracting company that was becoming more renown by each passing year. The girl always had a battling spirit about her ever since her and her brother, Bellamy, were left to their own devices when their mother abandoned them. Clarke has known Octavia since they were kids and her parents all but adopted the Blake siblings when things got hard for them.

Clarke looked over at Raven and peered at her prosthetic leg. She remembers how before her accident, Raven worked along side of Finn. She worked on repairing the fighter jets on the carrier they were assigned. That all changed for her one weekend when their group of friends traveled down south for a beach getaway. Everything seemed perfect. Blue crisp skies, the heat seeping into their skin as they drank tropical drinks on the white sandy beach. Everything seemed normal that day as Raven and Bellamy decided to go paddle boarding while Clarke and Octavia sun bathed. Blood curdling screams and flashes of blood and torn flesh was all Clarke could allow herself to remember. She doesn’t want to think about how Finn dashed to aid Bellamy carrying Raven out of the reddening clear water and how her leg was gone.

Clarke blinked away the thought of red and torn flesh that raced behind her eyelids and shook away the chills that crawled up and threatened to engulf her. She scanned the room and observed Abby and Raven looking through a wedding catalog. She watched Octavia leave her side to answer her ringing cellphone. Clarke turned her attention back to her mother and Raven as they looked through different bridesmaid dresses.

“Would you feel comfortable wearing a long or short dress, Rave?” Clarke already knew the answer.

“If we’re going to be in some dirty ass woods, I don’t want to be bothered hiking up my dress all the time. Sign me up for the cute short dress.” Raven leaned back on her hands and stretched out her legs in front of her, crossing them at her ankles. “If you’re worried about the leg…” she smiled brightly, “…don’t. I’ll still look fabulous.”

“A bridesmaid isn’t suppose to pull attention from the bride,” Octavia sat down next to Clarke heavily, “That’s the Maid of Honor’s job.” Even though Octavia had a cheeky smile, Clarke knew her teasing tone was covering up her frustration.

“Bad phone call?” Abby didn’t miss a beat. It was her motherly intuition to know if one of her girls were on edge.

Octavia let out a long sigh and crossed her arms. “It’s Indra again. She’s stressing me out about this quarter’s quota.” she lowered her head, shaking it slowly. “It’s like she’s out to get me. Her and her boss.” 

Clarke watches as Octavia slumps back on the couch. Everyone in that room understands why Octavia is putting herself through this rather than looking for another job. She always wanted to feel like she belonged some where and the armed forces always made her feel at home. After Bellamy joined the military, it was only a matter of time before Octavia followed him. The only thing that surprised this little family of theirs was that Octavia chose the private sector.

Before the atmosphere changed completely, Octavia reassured the other women in the room after taking a big gulp of her wine and continued to tease about the fact that she’s the Maid of Honor. As the room began to once again fill with laughter and chatter of whats next and what else needed to be planned, Clarke couldn’t help but feel the swell in her chest. She was happy. With her job, her friends, her life and with Finn. But as much as she thought about what she has now, Clarke couldn’t help but feel that something was on its way. That feeling dug deep into her heart, hibernating and waiting for the spring sun to melt away the icy powder that covered its mystery. The feeling excited her, but it was that feeling that frightened her the most.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

_“So I walked through to the haze.”_

Her brows furrowed as she examined the hilt of the sword. She was certain there was gold timing there but the inevitable erosion and time claimed the weapon. Why couldn’t it be a mirror from Marie Antoinette or a painting by Raphael? she thought as she pinched the bridge of her nose where she felt a slight throbbing peaking up.

_“Now I see you lying there…”_

Clarke handled the sword carefully with white gloves and light, but sturdy hands. She kept darting a glance at the green eyed woman in the near perfect blade that quickly back to the handle as if she was getting caught staring. That same feeling she felt days before crept up again. It was the feeling of something coming. She felt like Horus when he sensed something. Might it be something interesting he picked up with his ears turning to catch the frequency or how the fur on his neck would stand up on it ends when Finn got close to him.

_“Leave the horror here…”_

Clarke didn’t noticed the tall lanky figure appearing in her peripheral. It was only when someone took out one ear bud, removing her from her musical escape, did Clarke fully turn to the people who interrupted her. Pulling the other out, she froze when she saw the woman standing next to her supervisor.

“Clarke Griffin,” Natalia stood up straighter than normal as if someone shoved a 2x4 up her read end. Her name sounded muffled, distant and alien to her. Clarke stared with unblinking eyes at the other woman. Her heart felt as if it were fighting a battle between excitement and pure fear.

The slender, lean figure.

She thought she was hallucinating. That she was possibly still asleep and dreaming or perhaps having a nightmare. She felt her hand tightening around the hilt of the sword, as if getting a hold of something solid to keep her tethered to reality. Or maybe she was getting ready to strike.

Dark, chestnut waves flowing over straight shoulders. 

No. She _is_ going crazy. Clarke knew now more than ever. Maybe she needed a sit down with Marcus again. Maybe all she needed was another therapy session with her step-father to clean up all the cobwebs in her mind. Or maybe she was too stressed with her wedding planing or with her job and she should consider taking a floating holiday she’s been saving up.

Fiery yet cold emerald eyes stared back at her. The intensity made her shiver, made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

“Clarke?” the annoyed voice of Natalia chimed in, pulling her for the hypnotic presence of the other woman. She shook her head, finally blinking and letting go of the breath she didn’t know she was holding in and collected herself.

“I-I’m sorry?” her voice was noticeably shaken. Clarke’s eyes darted between the two women in front of her, only doing so to avoid staring. Her heart was running a marathon in her chest. It felt as if at any moment it’ll just leap out of her to get away from the impending danger.

“I _said_ ,” Natalia straightened her blouse and stuck out a hand towards the woman to her right. “I’d like to introduce you to the buyer of the Mongolian piece.”

Without missing a beat, the woman stuck out her hand, her slender fingers straight and secure. Clarke wanted to run. Everything inside of her screamed for her to flee but her feet were rooted to the floor. She looked at the outstretched hand and reached out to grab it with her own, noticing that she was shaking. This is it. This is real. She’s real. Clarke didn’t expect such a warm and soft hand to wrap around her own. It wasn’t firm, but it wasn’t weak. The woman held her hand as if she was delicate, as if she was floating away and wanted to keep Clarke on the ground.  
Then she spoke, her voice cool and soft but it sounded thunderous as it reached Clarke’s ears.

“Hello.” She paused, eyes fixed on her. “I’m Lexa Woods.”


	2. Down the Rabbit Hole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say thank you for all the positive feed back I've gotten for chapter one. I'm really glad you guys gave this story a chance and I promise it won't disappoint. ~Naomi

Lexa Woods.

The woman in the mirror stood before her in a white collared blouse tucked into her dark slacks. Clarke noticed that she was looking up at her slightly and it registered that the woman was unnaturally tall with a small frame. Looking down, she took note that not only was she wearing business appropriate heels but that her legs seem to run on forever. Her eyes trailed back to Lexa’s face and noticed that her demeanor was no longer cold. Lexa look down at Clarke with curiosity. With a brow arched and a ghost of a smirk, Lexa looked down at the sword Clarke still had clenched in her hand.

“Are you planning on taking a life with that?” Her voice was strange against Clarke’s ears. It wasn’t laced with humor and it wasn’t filled with annoyance. Everything about this woman was abnormal to her but everything felt natural at the same time.

“I-uh…” Clarke looked down at the sword and immediately placed it gently on its mantle. She then realized that she was still wearing her gloves and protective eyewear and rushed to remove them. She was nervous. She felt like a small child standing in front of a school principal about to get scolded.

“Yes,” Natalia chimed in, Clarke had almost forgotten that she was standing there, “this is Clarke Griffin. She’s been assigned with the task of restoring your beautiful Mongolian piece,” she said with a pretentious tone as if she’s solely responsible for the work. Lexa only nods. Clarke notices how her eyes quickly dart down and back up her body. “Ms. Woods has requested the piece to be finished as soon as possible.”

Clarke watched carefully as Lexa walked over to the stand that held the delicate sword. Without a word, Lexa fit a single white glove over her right hand and picked up the weapon. She watched as Lexa held it up and examined it. At this time, Clarke saw how regal Lexa looked holding the ancient weapon. She looked as if she was born with it in her hand and knew how to use it.

“How long would the process take to complete?” Lexa said without turning her attention away from the object in her hand.

“Well, that’s the only project—“ Natalia started to talk but Lexa interrupted.

“ _Ms._ Griffin,” the emphasis on the Ms. made her supervisor clear her throat and look down at her feet briefly before turning to look at Clarke. She couldn’t help but smile seeing Natalia being put in her place. Lexa shot a glance over her shoulder towards Clarke, a gesture to speak.

“The piece should be done in a week. Maybe two.”

Again, Lexa only nodded. She placed the sword back on its mantle and walked back to Natalia’s side. Putting her hands behind her back, she lifted her head and said, “Good.”

Natalia kept her head down but looked over to where Clarke was standing, “Well…” she cleared her throat again, “if that’ll be all, let’s let Ms. Griffin continue. We don’t want to hold up the process any longer. Ms. Woods, this way please,” she held her hand out to direct them out of the large room, practically bowing to Lexa. But she did not move, instead she looked over Clarke as though she was an interesting object. Studying her carefully. She didn’t know whether she felt uncomfortable or intrigued. Clarke forced herself to look down, tearing away from the fiery gaze that threatened to engulf her.

“Ms. Griffin,” was all that was said as Clarke heard their footsteps echo down the hallway and fade into nothing. Clarke slumped hard down against her chair, breathing heavily. Was she having a heart attack? A panic attack? Whatever the case, her heart was thudding violently against her rib cage. She touched her forehead not knowing whether she was checking her temperature or to see if her head was still screwed on. Lexa…the woman in the mirror…was that real? Of course it was! What did it mean? Why, for as long as Clarke could remember, did she see Lexa’s face in her own reflection? Her feet were moving before she even realized. Flashes of those tired eyes blurred her vision and she tried to blink them away. Clarke felt as if every time she blinked she was warping through time. 

_Blink._

She was in her car at a red light. The ghost of a smirk pulled the strings of her heart. Clarke turned the corner too fast making the tires screech. She rubbed one eye as if trying to rub out the image of brown tamed waves cascading down and over poised shoulders.

_Blink._

She pulled into her cool, gray parking garage of her apartment building, feeling the sensation of a warm soft hand wrapping her own.

_Blink._

Clarke jammed her thumb on the elevator button that indicated her floor. Once the silver, cloudy doors shut, she leaned against the rails, tightly closing her eyes and shook her head as the woman’s voice echoed in her head.

_“I’m Lexa Woods.”  
_

_“…Woods…”  
_

_“I’m…”  
_

_“Lexa.”  
_

_“Lexa…”_

_Blink._

The sound of her key going in the lock deafened the voice and Clarke hurried into her apartment. Horus meowed delightfully as she dropped everything to the floor and rushed to the kitchen. The cell phone in her back pocket rang to the tune of an Aerosmith song just as she pulled a glass from the cabinet. With a shaky hand she retrieved her phone and slid right to answer.

“He-hello? Yes?” She was out of breath.

“Clarke,” it was Natalia, “where the hell are you?” Her voice wasn’t worried. It was lined with anger and frustration.

“Oh Natalia, I-I’m sorry I left without saying anything,” she raked her hand through her hair. “I-I had an emergency. A family emergency and it couldn’t wait.”

Clarke heard Natalia sigh. “Is everything okay?” This time her voice was more soft and understanding.

“I hope so…” The last word trailed off in to her apartment. The rest of the phone call was a blur to Clarke. Her mind was racing when she hung up and turned the faucet on to fill her cup with water. Horus weaved in and out between her legs as the cold, faintly metallic tasting tap water filled her mouth. She regretted getting water from the tap and reminded herself to buy that water filter she’s been meaning to get. Clarke placed the glass down in front of her. She firmly grasped the edge of the counter top and lowered her head. With eyes shut tightly, knuckles white from the death grip on the counter, she tried to regulate her breathing. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. Clarke tried everything to stabilize herself. Tried to cement her feet to reality, but this _was_ reality. She wasn’t going crazy. She wasn’t hallucinating. Clarke slowly opened her eyes and loosened her grip on the counter when she felt that her heart beat was returning to normal. She looked down at the glass in front of her and saw the faint reflection of her messy blonde hair. Her brows furrowed and she rushed to the mirror that hung in the hallway just outside the kitchen.

“What the hell?” She whispered as she looked at herself with wide horrified eyes. In the place where she would see wild chestnut locks was her own wavy, sun kissed hair. No longer did she peer into the cold mysterious emeralds of the woman she grew up seeing. Instead, she looked upon her own face, saw her own porcelain complexion. The woman in the mirror was gone.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

The soft orange rays of the early evening sun slipped through the open blinds and spilled on to the hard wood floors of the apartment. Clarke sat silently on the sofa, Horus’ purring filled her ears as he laid to the right of her. She stared, unblinking at the pools of light when a knock on her door made her jump. She swore under her breath after checking her watch, realizing how much time had passed. Horus watched her as she made her way over to the door, raise to the balls of her feet, look into the peep hole and then unlock the door.

“Damn Griff,” Raven greeted, holding a brown paper bag and stepped past her, entering the apartment, “you’re looking rough. Bad day?” Pulling out a large wine bottle out of the bag, she retreated into the kitchen. She reappeared moments later and crashed on to the sofa, making Horus flinch.

“Weird day…” Clarke looked into the hallway outside her apartment. “Where’s O?”

“She said she’s going to be a little late. Work stuff.” Raven turned her attention to the feline laying a few inches away from her, his icy eyes trained on her. “Hey Hor.” She reached out to pet him, but he jumped down to the floor and disappeared into Clarke’s bedroom. “Little shit.” She huffed.

“Now you know he doesn’t like anyone.” Clarke closed the door and walked over to the mirror that hung in the hallway. _God,_ she said to herself. She looked at her own face and saw the mess of blonde hair. She felt a small pang in her heart and the feeling of missing a certain image filled it. She took a black hair tie that was on her wrist and proceed to put her hair up in a haphazard bun. She did indeed look rough. How long had she been sitting there silently? Raking through her hair over and over again to soothe the mental battle she fought just moments before her friend arrived? Spacing out into another dimension, the dimension in which the woman in the mirror only inhabited. The woman in the mirror. No, _Lexa_ , the woman that _was_ in the mirror. 

Her world seemed to be turned upside down, inside out. A complete fucking funhouse. Clarke felt like she was looking into one of the mirrors you’d find in those attractions. Her image became strange to her, all distorted and bizarre. She couldn’t help but wish she saw thick brown hair and those eyes that threatened but somehow made her feel safe. Damnit, what color were they again? Blue? Green? A bit of both? It ached considerably to forget an important detail.

“Yes, this is ground control.” Raven broke the silence, making Clarke jerk her head towards the dark haired woman. She was leaning forward, resting an elbow on her knee while one hand covered her mouth. She mimicked the sound of a voice coming over a radio, “We seem to have lost communication with Captain Griffin. Waiting for further information.” Raven donned an amused smiled as she leaned back on the sofa and began removing her loosened boots. “Clarke,” she paused when she looked over at Clarke and saw that she hadn’t moved or spoken, “is everything okay?” After a few short moments, Raven’s eyes widened and she gasped. “You’re not pregnant, are you?”

“What? No.” Clarke blinked rapidly, shaking her head. She walked over and sat next to her friend. “If I was, would it be such a big issue? I _am_ going to marry the one that knocked me up.”

“So you _are_ pregnant!” Raven fully turned to face Clarke, her eyebrows raising close to her hairline, mouth agape. “Think about the alterations we would have to make to the dress we have yet to look for. Think of how big you’ll be! I mean,” she leaned back against the arm rest, raising her arms in front of her in some form of defense, “you’ll look gorgeous no matter what. All ‘glowing’ and shit but-“.

“What?! No, Rae, look,” Clarke stopped her babbling, “I’m not pregnant. I just got a lot of things on my mind.” She leaned forward, twisting the engagement ring on her finger. Silence fell over the two women for what felt like decades. Clarke felt Raven lean in and place a hand on her shoulder. In a voice that was barely a whisper, she broke the silence.

“You’re going to bail on Flyboy at the altar, aren’t you?”

“What the hell, Reyes!” 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“Hey, sorry I’m late.” Octavia hugged Clarke when she walked inside. The sun has gone down as the lights of the city twinkled in the stars’ absence. Clarke loved the sound of the city, as well as the cooling weather that was rapidly approaching. So she kept one window slightly open.

“Where’s the _comida_ , O?” Raven walked out of the kitchen to greet her.

“Oh shit.” Octavia face palmed herself. She let out a long sigh as she removed her light jacket and shoes. “I’m sorry guys. Work has just been crazy with this party coming at the end of the quarter and there’s a lot of pressure on me.”

“I’ll order some pizza.” Raven turned swiftly around on her good heel and returned to the kitchen.

“Polaris Industries is throwing a party?” Clarke said in disbelief.

“Yeah.” Octavia also made her way to the kitchen and Clarke followed. She watched as Octavia opened a cabinet to pull out wine glasses. She looked over at Raven who was thumbing through pamphlets of various takeout menus.

“This is apparently a big deal.” Octavia continued as she retrieved the bottle of wine from the fridge. “Polaris scored a major international deal with the United Kingdom.” She fumbled with the cork screw for a while until she was confident enough that it was secure and began removing the cork, “Also, the company is going through a change of hands. And guess who they put in charge of planning it?” Octavia pulled on the metal corkscrew and with a loud and sudden _pop!_ the cork was freed. It was a rhetorical question and Clarke shifted from one foot to the other as Octavia poured a glass. “You want one?” Octavia asked without looking up, without giving any indication as to who it was directed to.

“Why not,” Clarke huffed, “after the day I’ve had, I could use it.”

Octavia handed her a glass and raised her own to her lips, taking a big gulp. She looked Clarke over curiously and narrowed her eyes. “You look like shit.”

Clarke rolled her eyes when Raven looked over her shoulder at them, a phone to her ear, and snickered. She mocked the sound that came from her and followed up with middle finger. Raven mimed as if she caught it and kissed her closed hand. It’s going to be one of those nights, Clarke thought and walked out of the kitchen.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

An empty pizza box laid open on the coffee table as an old black and white movie was on the TV. Clarke didn’t know if it was a mystery or a romance film, for all she knew it wasn’t even in black and white. She wasn’t paying any attention to the well-dressed gentleman and ravishing young woman on the screen or to her friends who laid on a blanket and pillows on the floor. They were pointing at the screen, making remarks about what they were watching.

The world around her seemed to have dissolved away and her mind went looking for a familiar face. A warm feeling flowed through her body when she thought of Lexa. Clarke thought it was the wine at first, but she stopped drinking some time ago. No, this feeling wasn’t from the wine. This feeling was unfamiliar to her. So strange, yet so welcoming. She never felt this before, not even with Finn. Horus resting on her lap was the only thing that tethered her to reality. It was only when she scratched behind one pointed ear did Clarke’s mind come tumbling back to earth.

“Clarke!”

She looked up with wide eyes at Raven and Octavia. They were still on the floor, both on one elbow, upper bodies twisting slightly so they could look at Clarke. She responded with her eyebrows raised, “Hm?”

“Jesus Griffin,” Raven shook her head, “what’s up with you? You’ve been space bound all night. What are you thinking about?”

Were her eyes green or blue? Maybe a bit of both?

“Uh…” Clarke hesitated, “just work stuff.”

“Ah,” Octavia nodded, “Natalia up your ass again?”

“Something like that.”

“Well, stop being a grump and look at this guy O is totally crushing on.” Raven beamed a smile at her friend who shoved her, knocking her off her elbow.

“It’s nothing really.” Octavia shrugged and handed her phone to Clarke.

“He’s the tall, dark, and handsome one next to the woman in black.” Raven continued to tease.

Clarke took the phone and held back a laugh when she saw Octavia attempting to smother Raven with a pillow. With one hand softly stroking Horus’ head, she examined the photo on the screen. The picture was already slightly zoomed in on the man to bring focus on him, but it was the image of a brunette that caught her eye. The woman was cut off at the edge of the screen and Clarke swiped right to get a good look.

Green. They were definitely green. Clarke stared at the image of the woman in black. This time her wild waves were pinned back into a respectable bun. Her back straight and her expression was unamused.

This had to be a cruel joke. She has to be in her own special episode of the Twilight Zone. Lexa Woods stared back at her with those same tired eyes she saw that morning and they still managed to make her shake. Could she not get away from this woman? Was Lexa Woods going to haunt her now that she was free from Clarke’s reflection?

“Who’s the woman in black?” Clarke didn’t need to know the answer she just wanted to see why she was on Octavia’s phone.

“Oh, her?” Octavia sounded annoyed, breathing heavily from her wrestling tournament with Raven. “That’s the one and only Lexa Woods.”

_Yes, I know that._ Clarke thought. _But why is she on your damn phone?_

“She’s going to be in charge of Polaris by the end of the quarter. She’s the one who makes Indra make my life a living hell.” Octavia laid flat on her back, her chest heaving.

She really couldn’t get away from the illusive Lexa Woods. Everything seems to be tying them together. With Clarke’s reflection, with the sword, and now with Octavia as a connection. But why? What did it mean? The thought scared her, gave her goose bumps. But it also made her life that more interesting.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

9:27 am.

Clarke looked down at her watch with anticipation ever since Natalia informed her that the sword would be picked up at 9:30. She looked down at the analog wrist watch for what seemed to be every few minutes, but only seconds had pasted. But now that it was only three minutes till, Clarke felt her heart jump. Felt the butterflies threatening to make her sick.

“Damnit, Clarke!” she said under her breath. “Why are you getting so worked up?” She started to pace around her work station, holding the edges of her watch between her fore finger and thumb.

9:29 am.

There it is again. That fight or flight feeling rose up within her. Clarke stopped in her tracks, arms pinned to her sides and her hands clenched tightly into fists. She took a deep breath in and released it slowly to control her nerves. When she finally felt like she was calm, the distant echo of heels came closer to the restoration room. Clarke looked around her station hastily to try to make herself look busy.

“Clarke,” Natalia’s voice bounced off the walls of the long room and into Clarke’s ear drums. She closed her eyes, breathed in again and turned to face the two women. Her brows furrowed when she was met with a different face. The dark skinned woman looked fierce and completely annoyed. Her black hair was cut close to her scalp in a no-nonsense type of way and Clarke didn’t know if she was more afraid of the Devil himself or of this woman. She didn’t simply look at Clarke, she glared with her dark eyes that looked like black holes. Her back was as straight and steel-like as Lexa’s.

“This is Indra Crews.” Her supervisor continued, “She’ll be picking up the piece in Ms. Woods’ absence.” Disappointment filled Clarke’s heart. As much as she wanted to see Lexa, maybe this was a good thing. Without a word, Indra looked up and down at Clarke, making her feel instantly subconscious of her very existence.

“May I?” Indra pointed down at the sword that sat on its mantle.

“Oh, of course.” Clarke picked up the weapon and handed it to the woman. She watched in anticipation as Indra proceeded to look over her work. She flinched when Indra unsheathed it, exposing the brilliant shine of the blade. She looked pleased, nodding while further examining the sword’s features. Clarke released a breath she didn’t know she was holding in when the sword returned to its cover.

“Ms. Woods sends her apologies for not being able to retrieve the sword.” Indra did not have a hint of sympathy in her voice. She proceeded to slide the sword in a red suede like clothe that was skinny and the length of the weapon. “As a proper apology, she would like to extend an invitation to Ms. Griffin to attend Polaris Industries’ black tie gala at the end of the month.”

Clarke’s mouth opened slightly. She began to voice her response before Natalia interrupted. “She’ll be delighted to attend!” her voice was that same high pitched tone she used on Lexa. “We’d love to!”

“The invitation is for Ms. Griffin alone.” Indra said coldly. “She is to be Ms. Woods’ honored guest.” And with nothing more, Indra walked away leaving both Clarke and Natalia speechless. Clarke wanted to laugh at the embarrassing display but quickly hid her smile when Natalia faced her. Her heels echoed loudly in the large room, making her other co-workers look in their direction, as she stomped towards her.

“Don’t screw this up Griffin.” She got close to her face, a single finger pointing at her. “This is my chance to get a regular donor for the museum.” She paused and then stood up straight. She cleared her throat as she fidgeted with her clothing and walked out without a word.

Clarke mouthed “bitch” as Natalia walked away. She crashed into her chair and began to recollect what just happened. “Honored guest?” She didn’t know what to make of her encounter with Indra Crews. She certainly was much more intimidating than Lexa and something tells Clarke that this invitation didn’t have a return policy. That neither Indra nor Lexa were taking no for an answer.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

A notification of a new email popped up as Clarke logged on. She sat quietly in her bedroom with a cup of tea, soft jazz music and Horus purring in her lap. She blew on her steaming cup before taking a sip and opened up the email titled “Made It!” sent by Finn Collins. It was something they did often when he was away. Clarke remembered how much she would miss her flyboy and waited eagerly day in and day out to receive word from him. This time around was different. Normally she’d check every day to see if he wrote to her, but she noticed her negligence when she saw the time stamp. It was nearly four days old and Clarke all but beat herself up for forgetting to check. She rubbed Horus’ head and took another sip before reading its contents.

_“Hey princess. I’ve made it safely to…”_ Clarke skimmed over the page, only reading key words to get the theme of what Finn wrote. An act she never did before. She used to hang on every word, reading and rereading to get every detail right. This time, she wanted to be over and done with it.

Clarke replied with her normal “I miss you” (but did she really mean it?) and wrote about some wedding planning updates. She noticed how excited she got when she wrote about the Mongolian piece, how she hated working on it but it paid off when she got invited to a grand fancy party. She finished up with her usual “stay safe” and “I love you” (which sounded weird when she read it over) and said she’d write about the party in her next email.

Closing the laptop in front of her, Clarke stared blankly at it. Cup in one hand, stroking her companion’s tiny head with the other. What was wrong with her? She knew deep down she really did miss him but that feeling felt buried beneath something she couldn’t recognize. It wasn’t a feeling. It was a person. A person who she saw in her reflection. A person who was as real as the little mammal in her lap. The person that made her life into a Stephan King novel. The person who made Clarke feel more alive than she has ever felt before.


	3. Autumnal Equinox

Next weekend was the gala and she has yet to break the news to Octavia. She didn’t know why she was hiding the fact that not only was she going, but that her boss had invited her. It was strange to Clarke that for years Octavia complained about her bosses, but all of her opinions on Lexa Woods had faded away. Well, Octavia was still dead right about Indra.

Clarke contemplated all of the events that took place this past month: Finn leaving, active wedding planning, Genghis Khan’s sword and of course, Lexa Woods. A smile will always appear briefly as she thinks of the woman, but was quickly squashed with the feeling of uncertainty. For a while Clarke will try to keep herself busy to stop herself from entertaining the thought of the other woman. She will double up on work assignments and go running with Raven (which was never fun because even though Raven has a handicap, she will always push Clarke to her limits). She even went with Octavia to the shooting range. Nothing could keep her mind off of Lexa Woods. Clarke decided to take a break from the city and head up North to her mother’s for the weekend.

Abby lived outside of the city, in the suburbs where Clarke grew up. She loved to take a trip up there once in a while, but Fin would always complain when they had to go up state. If it wasn’t the bugs, it was the hushed environment. Finn has always been a city boy and Clarke didn’t mind that, but she loved when the gray of the city turned into lush green grass and fresh air. Plus, she loved going North this time of year. The weather was cooling down and the leaves were showing hints of red and orange. If Clarke had any choice in the matter, she would leave the city life and move to the quiet of a cabin by a lake. She might even take up painting again.

She arrived at her mother’s house when the sun was beginning to sing its’ last song of the day. She sat quietly in the car for a moment as she looked out at her childhood home. Both sadness and peace would cover her whenever she would come to visit. This house had so many stories to tell and Clarke knew them all too well.

“Clarke!” The joyous sound of her mother tore her away from her thoughts. Clarke smiled softly when she saw Abby standing in the door way waving to her. “I wasn’t expecting you so soon.” Abby hugged her daughter tightly when she exited the car and reached her. “Dinner should be ready in about an hour.” Abby ushered her into the house and was greeted with another hug by Marcus.

“It’s nice to see you Clarke.” he said with a bright smile. “How’s Finn? How’s he doing?”

“He is fine and arrived to his destination safely.”

“Good, good. Would you like something to drink? Some wine perhaps? I know it is such a long drive here from the city.” Clarke smiled and declined politely.

“Well,” her mother stepped beside Marcus and grinned pleasantly when he wrapped an arm around her shoulder, holding her close, “if you’d like, you can go and freshen up before dinner.”

“Thanks mom” Clarke started making her way up the stairs. She turned to look back at her mother and Marcus walking towards the kitchen, still holding on to each other. The sight made Clarke happy. Happy for both Abby and Marcus. She slowly climbed the stairs, a small smile still on her face.

Marcus Kane is a wonderful man and Clarke loved how happy her mother is because of him. When it seemed like all was lost for her and her mother, he came into their lives at the right time. She remembered the first time she met him: Abby had suggested that Clarke go see a therapist when she was twenty years old, two years after her father passed away. Clarke fell into a depression when her father, Jake, died of leukemia a month before her eighteenth birthday. Her only keepsake of him was his old analog watch that she still wears to this day. That’s where Marcus comes in. He was her therapist for a short time before he started dating Abby. Clarke thought it was the weirdest thing for a while and slightly resented her mother for trying to forget Jake. It took a while for her to understand that her mother was suffering as much as she was and that she wasn’t trying to replace her father in any way. Over time, Clarke witnessed her mother go from a grieving widow to a whole new woman, fervent and radiant. Marcus and Abby tied the knot three years ago and they still act as if it were puppy love.

Clarke reached her old room and let the nostalgia hit her like a tidal wave. All around the room were dozens of sketches, photographs and paintings from various points in her life. Everything was as she left it when she moved to the city with Octavia. Nostalgia quickly disappeared when she remembered why she stopped drawing and taking photographs. It was Jake who gave her her first drawing kit and her first camera. While Abby wanted Clarke to follow in her footsteps to become a doctor, Jake encourage the creative side of his daughter. Always being ecstatic to see Clarke’s newest creation.

Clarke sighed as she sat down at the edge of the bed, trying not to let her mind go down that path again. She always thanked her mother for not getting rid of the house. Her father loved this house and Marcus was the one who ultimately convinced Abby to stay...for Jake. Maybe Clarke _should_ start painting. Her father would be disappointed to know she’s letting that talent go to waste.

“C’mon, kiddo,” Clarke said mimicking her father’s voice, “you’re not going to be the next Monet wasting away in some museum.” She chuckled to herself and looked down at her hands. She noticed out of the corner of her eye a small shoe box tucked away between her night stand and bed frame.

Clarke reached down for it, knowing exactly what it was. She blew away the small amount of dust that covered the lid, wondering how her mother forgot to dust it and opened the box. Inside of it was loose leaf lined paper and drawing paper with one subject sketched on each page. Clarke gave each drawing the same admiring attention as she picked them up. She looked carefully at the girl in each drawing and remembered every detail she put in. Her parents thought that their little girl was drawing her imaginary character that had wild dark hair and bright green eyes. Each drawing of the girl (may it be a simple stick figure or a Japanese inspired cartoon) Clarke noticed how happy she drew the girl. Always with a small smile.  
Always with gentle forest eyes. She forgot when those eyes turned cold, tired and distant.  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

After a wonderful weekend with her mother and Marcus, Clarke laid silently in her dimly lit room the night before she had to go back to the city. She remembered Finn in the moment and reached for her laptop to check her emails. As she had suspected, there was a new notification.

He starts the email with his usual “Hey princess” and Clarke noticed how much she didn’t really like being called that which was strange because he always called her that. Has she simply just put up with it because she loved him? When did she become so tolerant of the things she did not like? Finn went on about how he couldn’t wait to get back home and how much he misses his old mechanic, Raven, because his new one was an idiot.

“Who’s this person that invited you to such a fancy party?” Finn wrote, “If it’s another guy I might have to show him what's up!”

He was trying to be funny. Why wasn’t she laughing at his jokes anymore? Another thing she tolerated? In Clarke’s reply she gave comfort to him saying that it was in fact a woman who invited her so that unless he wants to be a woman beater, he better pump the brakes. She also wrote about how she bet Raven wishes she was back on the carrier with him instead of her desk job and that was it. She notices that her replies were getting shorter. She neglected her “I love you” and her “I miss you.” Clarke wondered if she really did miss him. She knew she loved him that was or sure, but it was how and in which way she loved him that made her wonder.  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

“What? No way!” Octavia half yelled in Clarke’s ear through the phone, “For a minute I thought I was going to be stuck with a bunch of dull jar heads all night. We can go as each other’s dates!” Clarke heard her friend pause momentarily before continuing, “Wait, how did you get invited?”

“It’s a long story, O.” Clarke sighed. She explained about the Mongolian sword and how she restored it for Lexa Woods. “I guess I’ve made some kind of impression on her.” Clarke’s heart thudded heavily just by uttering her name.

“Huh,” another pause form Octavia, “that’s so strange. How the hell did you get on the good side of Woods? She is a fucking robot. No human emotion in that lady.”

Clarke felt the heat of anger rise to her face. She breathed in loudly to subside her emotion but it did not help. Instead Clarke ended the phone with a fake chuckle and the agreement on going to the gala with Octavia. She didn’t know why she felt so defensive at Octavia’s comment. She didn’t know anything about Lexa, maybe she was a robot. Cold. Calculating. Lacking anything to do with being a human. Clarke only met Lexa that one time. She couldn’t possibly be up at arms to defend the woman, but she did feel like she’s known Lexa for a while. Clarke saw this woman day in and day out for as long as she could remember. Defending her seemed right. Being angry at that comment seemed logical.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

The night was oddly a chilly one when Clarke stepped out of the cab and into the Autumn air. Octavia stepped onto the side walk with her and huffed when she saw lined up limos and big black SUVs waiting to unload the people inside.

“Have you seen anything more pretentious?” she said glaring at the suits and glinting dresses. Clarke knew she was only projecting, but she was nervous. Octavia had worked hard on the planning of the grand get together. She wanted everything to go off without a hitch.

“C’mon O.” Clarke rubbed at Octavia’s arm encouragingly and to bring back the fact that it is indeed cold out, “Let’s get this over with.” They made their way into the grand hall, arms linked together, stopping only briefly at the counter to check their coats. Passing a mirror, Clarke took note of their appearance: Her hair was up in a neat bun with a loose strand of her wavy blonde hair dangling from the side. Clarke wore her favorite dress; a deep sapphire blue colored dress that exposed her back and that stopped slightly above her knees. Octavia wore a similar looking dress, aside from the fact that she was wearing a white pearl color dress. She let her dark hair that curled at the ends flow down over her shoulder.

The reception room was gigantic and extremely extravagant. Delightful Jazz music softly filled the room as Clarke took note of the extremely high ceilings, the biggest damn golden chandelier (that looked like it belonged in _The Phantom of the Opera_ ) she’s ever seen and countless waiters wearing white collared shirts with black vests. They were carrying silver trays topped with bubbling champagne and their movements were synchronized as they weaved through the crowd with their fake smiles and cheery voices. Everything around her looked like it was made of gold and Clarke was afraid to touch anything. Everyone looked like they certainly came from money. Not the “I built my business out of my parent’s garage and now I’m a multi-millionaire” kind but the “I built my business on the dead bodies of the young” kind. Blood money. She was out of her element and that same fight or flight feeling turned its ugly head again. If it weren’t for Octavia, she would have taken the latter.

Octavia guided them further into the room, stopping every so often to greet fellow co-workers. Clarke couldn’t help but feel the surge of pride wash over her as she witnessed this interaction. This was Octavia’s world. Maybe a tad too fancy given the situation, but Clarke knew how important this was for her. How badly Octavia wanted to feel like she belonged in this cut throat industry. She only wished Raven and Bellamy were here to revel in the sight with her.

“Octavia.” A familiar voice erupted over the crowd of conversations and laughter.

“I knew it was too good to be true.” Octavia excused herself from Clarke’s side and walked over to the steely structure of Indra. As always, her face was none too pleased with the situation. Before they disappeared in the crowd, Indra gave a brief look to Clarke and it was all she needed to know that she didn’t belong here.

“Trust me, _I_ know.” she said to herself. One of the synchronized waiters walked up to her, tray of champagne in hand, the “I don’t want to be here and I’m pretending to be pleased to serve you” smile plastered on her face.

“Champagne?” she said in an overly cheery voice all the while her eyes clearly saying “Oh, please kill me because I’ve had this smile on my face for far too long and I’m convinced my face is frozen this way.” Clarke hesitantly took a glass and watched the young woman continue her organized Waltz to the next guest.

Clarke never felt so out of place as she quietly walked through the crowd, observing them as she went. The attendees came in all different ages, sizes and ethnicities. Some of the men and women were around her age, but the others were balding old men with big bellies and graying, high nosed women. They came in different shades, equipped with foreign languages. It seemed like the whole world was in attendance tonight and Clarke wasn’t foolish to assume they were solely there to celebrate with Polaris. After all, everyone wanted something from someone.

Clarke downed her drink unapologetically and swiped another from a passing server. She began sipping away at it. She desperately needed to calm her nerves. Damn Octavia for leaving her in a sea of people who profit off of war and blood. Clarke tried to understand that she was technically working behind the scenes making sure that everything goes according to plan. Maybe she wasn’t cursing her friend, but herself for allowing herself to be forced to go to this event. Clarke downed her second glass of champagne and contemplated on leaving after taking yet another glass from a silver tray.

Just as she raised the glass to her lips, Clarke caught a glimpse of wavy brown hair. She paused, trying to see past the people blocking her line of sight. When the image of Lexa came into full view, everything around Clarke seemed to slow down. She didn’t know the feeling of missing someone so greatly was hidden deep inside of her until she set her eyes on the mysterious woman. Like she was looking for something without knowing exactly what it was she was trying to find. Clarke couldn’t explain it. Couldn’t explain the pull she felt in her chest when she saw Lexa. She was across the room, seeming to have a pleased look on her face as she shook hands and spoke with attendees. The crowd of people that separated the two women looked as if it were parting like the Red Sea making a clear path to Lexa for Clarke. Shaking her head, she put down her full glass of champagne, blaming the visual on the bubbly drink. As if she knew she was being watched, Lexa turned her head and looked straight at Clarke. She smiled at her, clearly ignoring the gentleman who was speaking to her. Clarke couldn’t help but return the smile.

“There you are.” Octavia stepped up to her. “Come and sit down. It’s going to begin soon.” She tugged on Clarke’s elbow, leading her away from Lexa’s gaze and into a room filled with round tables and a huge stage against the back wall. The room was as equally impressive as the hall they were just in. It was slightly darker with the majority of the light beaming down onto the stage. That’s where the music was coming from, Clarke thought to herself. The soft, moderately upbeat tempo of the band filled the dining area with a wonderful ambiance. Octavia seated them at a table relatively close to the stage, which was already occupied with a man she’s seen before. The man stood when the women approached the table and flashed a dazzling smile that would make anyone swoon.

“Clarke, I’d like you to meet Lincoln Trimani.” Octavia returned the man’s smile.

Clarke offered her hand towards the gentleman. “Clarke Griffin.” She couldn’t help but smile either. The tall man took her hand gently and kissed her knuckles softly.

“Hello Clarke.” He spoke smoothly and she immediately understood why Octavia was fond of the man. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. Octavia speaks well on your behalf.” Lincoln rounded the table and pulled out the chairs to help seat the women. Clarke didn’t know if it was the sultry Jazz music ringing blissfully in her ears or the two glasses of champagne she gulped down, but she certainly felt relaxed and at ease.

The three of them were talking amongst themselves about career choices, all the way to who has the most embarrassing story when the band ended their last song. Indra Crews walked out on to the stage and stood behind a clear podium. Clarke thinks that she’s even sporting a smirk.

“I want to thank everyone for making it out this evening.” Indra’s voice boomed with authority, drawing in everyone’s attention. “Join us tonight as we celebrate the long awaited merger with Flaudon in the United Kingdom. I have the honor to introduce the woman who spear headed this project with level headedness and strength. Without any further adieu, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Lexa Woods.”

The room erupted in applause and after a few short moments, Lexa walked up to the stage. She had a dignified smirk on her face as she shook hands with Indra and took the podium. Her tired eyes scanned over the crowd and waited patiently as the applause died down. Clarke watched her carefully, wondering why in this great accomplishment did Lexa’s eyes seem so distant. She took advantage of the situation by looking over the other woman before she took the podium. Lexa dressed head to toe in black: a blouse with the top button undone, a fitted suit that looked vaguely masculine, but also complimented her curves, and business as usual heels. It wasn’t until she locked eyes with her that Clarke realized she was staring at the woman on stage. She looked down at her lap while Lexa gave her a small sincere smile.

“Thank you again for coming.” Lexa said once it was quiet, “Before I begin, I want to give a special thank you to Luna Waters. Without her support and collaboration, the merger wouldn’t have been a success.” Lexa looked over at a woman that looked exotic and beautiful as another applause rang out. “Polaris Industries has been in my family since the start of the Cold War where it was a simple weapons warehouse. It has grown to what it is now, one of America’s biggest military contractors and it wouldn’t be able to do so without the assistance of people here this evening. With that being said, I would like to formally accept the position as Chairman and CEO of Polaris Industries.” Yet another applause deafened the room, along with cheers. “Thank you once again and have a wonderful evening.” Lexa half shouted into the microphone through the multitude of clapping and cheers. She walked off the stage before they died out.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

After everything seemed to settle into the murmurs of various business dealings around the room, an army of servers with trays and trollies began to parade into the room. Clarke was in a half-hearted discussion with Octavia and Lincoln about something she wasn’t interested in when she feels a gentle, but strong hand on her shoulder. She turns to see who decided it was okay to invade her personal space and was met with those same piercing eyes she knew all too well.

“Hello Miss Blake.” Lexa half smiled towards her companions. “Mr. Trimani, I hope you’re having a good time. Octavia I must say, fantastic job on this event.”

“Oh.” Octavia said surprised. “Thank you Ms. Woods. Only the best for Polaris.”

Lexa still had her hand on Clarke’s shoulder. “I hope you don’t mind if I steal Clarke away for a moment.”

Clarke could feel Octavia and Lincoln’s eyes on her, burning into her skull. She looked over at her friend who had an amused smirk stretching across her face. “Of course not.” Octavia replied with a cheery tone. “I’ll see you later, Clarke.”

Before she could react, Clarke felt herself getting up from the table, her mind was protesting against her when the warm hand of Lexa gently cupped her elbow and began to lead her away. Her mind was firing off on all cylinders, begging her to flee from the grasp of this woman. Trying to convince her that this is certainly a horrible decision. That from this point on, nothing will ever be the same. But her heart counted on it.

She was made painfully aware of her thunderous heart beat as she walked along side of the perplexing woman. Though her mind clawed at her, her heart raced with anticipation filled with the notion of something exciting, that something worthwhile is just around the corner. It encouraged her steps, motivated her to keep pace with Lexa because even though her head screamed, her heart serenaded her louder. The heart has won this battle.

Lexa led them to a long table where Clarke could only recognize two faces of the dozen or so people already seated.

“Ladies and gentlemen,“ Lexa began to speak as she assisted Clarke in her chair, “I’d like to introduce Clarke Griffin. I’ve invited her here this evening as my honored guest.” She made her way over to the other side of the table, directly across from Clarke as she greeted the people at the table. The majority of the people were aging men and women that looked at Clarke strangely, their eyes darting towards one another in an unspoken question. She was only given a brief nod from Indra, who was seated to the left of Lexa, but was given a warm welcoming smile from the woman Lexa mentioned in her speech.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Luna said with a smile, surprising Clarke to know that she didn’t have an English accent. “Your dress is quite lovely. It almost matches your eyes.” Luna chuckled when Clarke visually turned red and looked down in effort to hide her blush. Clarke looked up at Lexa, who had one corner of her mouth pulling upwards and blushed more violently.

Dinner was served and many conversations were circling around the table. Clarke tried keeping up with them, answering the questions directed towards her and she tried not to seem uninterested when the conversation turned to the talk of a war in a distant country. They talked amongst one another about profit and business strategies to further gain in the war like they were talking about the weather. Lexa must have noticed Clarke’s discomfort and urged the conversation to change, stating they could discuss business on Monday. Clarke stole a glance to Lexa, who just looked at her and nodded.

Once the final dish was served and devoured, everyone seemed to be excusing themselves from the table. It seemed like tonight’s entertainments were beginning as a catchy pop mix song echoed in from the room everyone was making their way towards. Clarke also chose this time to excuse herself, thinking she would reunite with Octavia. She said her thank yous and goodbyes and started to walk back to where she last saw her friend. She followed the other attendees into the reception area where people crowded around a magician, stacked against each other at the bar and danced happily on the open floor. It surprised Clarke how the black tie event became so lively. She settled on the fact that business always came first. The room was no longer brightly lit with the Phantom of the Opera chandelier. The light was replaced with violet and magenta lights that illuminated walls, columns and various decorations. It was like stepping into a different world which made Clarke feel like she had whiplash. Clarke weaved in and out of the crowd, still searching for any signs of Octavia when a familiar grasp on her shoulder stopped her in her tracks.

“I hope the droning talk of the last generation didn’t scare you off.” Lexa shouted over the booming music with a smirk as Clarke turned around to face her. “Sometimes they get carried away with business that they’re too busy to enjoy themselves.”

“You don’t seem like the type to enjoy yourself either.” Clarke replied, one brow raising in realization. She watched as Lexa’s eyes diverted towards the floor and she wasn’t sure if she chuckled.

“I will admit I don’t allow myself such things, but this is not for me. This is for the hard working people who worked diligently on this project with me. That’s why I let Ms. Blake include this.” The music seemed to muffle every time Lexa spoke.

“Speaking of Blake,” Clarke’s voice on the other hand, competed with the boisterous melodies. “Have you seen Octavia?” It must of not been loud enough, not for the lack of trying, when she saw Lexa’s eyes narrow in confusion. Without a second thought, Clarke leaned closer to Lexa’s ear and almost regretted it when she took in her perfume. She hesitated slightly when Lexa herself leaned in to hear, her soft hair tickling Clarke’s nose. She shook her head slightly, clearing away images that popped up briefly and repeated the question.

Lexa shook her head, her eyes emanating her apology. “I could help look for her, if you like.” In that instance, Clarke realized she didn’t even want to go searching for Octavia. That she was perfectly content standing aside from the glee on the dance floor with Lexa.

“No, that’s fine.” She said shaking her head. “She’s probably busy with the event or hanging out with Lincoln.“ Despite the near darkness of the room, Clarke could see Lexa’s smirk. She can tell that Lexa knew a relationship was brewing between Octavia and the gentleman. Lexa walked around Clarke in the direction of the bar. She didn’t know whether she heard Lexa offering her a drink or that her body language implied the question but Clarke was soon walking behind her.

“What’ll you have?” This time it was Lexa who leaned in, her breath lapping around Clarke’s ear. She ordered a lackluster beverage, to which Lexa followed up with ordering a water. Without missing a beat, Lexa answered Clarke’s unspoken question. “I don’t drink.” They stood there quietly for a moment as everyone around them went on with their conversations, laughing and dancing. Lexa looked out into the crowd, tired green eyes seeming to scan the room and Clarke took advantage of the situation to look at her. This woman was entirely impossible to read. Her face was expressionless, back straight like steel beams, with square poised shoulders. She wondered why nothing seemed too prominent about Lexa but everything about her was other worldly at the same time.

Clarke watched intently as Lexa would bring the glass to her lips, her slender neck working as she swallowed. She told herself to stop staring. That she’s being a complete creep. _You’ve seen her for the majority of your life. So why can’t I look away?_ She opened her mouth to say something but was caught off guard when Lexa turned to her. Lexa’s eyes widened slightly, a brow raising in question.

“I– “ Clarke stuttered. “Do– do you mind if we go somewhere a little less…” She looked up towards the ceiling as if the word she was looking for was there. “Chaotic?” Clarke closed her eyes briefly and tilted her head to the side. Not the word she was looking for, but the pounding in her head was certainly going to be. She opened her eyes and looked up at Lexa. She was surprised to see the uncertain expression on her face. The normally featureless face was twisted in doubt. The cornerstone of her demeanor crumbling before Clarke’s eyes.

Lexa looked down at her glass, her mouth opening and closing. The hesitant gesture left as soon as it came that Clarke was sure that if she had blinked, she would have missed it entirely. Lexa straightened her back, as poised as ever and tilted her head downward in a nod. After taking a sip of her drink, Clarke placed the glass on the bar and allowed Lexa to lead them out and away from the party. She felt Lexa’s hand on her exposed back, her fingers barely touching her skin. That modest touch was enough for Clarke to feel both safe and nervous. The sylphlike woman beside her led them through the crowd with ease and out into the courtyard.

“Maybe this wasn’t the best idea,” Lexa started, “but it was the only one I could think of.” She still had uncertainty in her voice. “We could go back inside, if you like.”

“No. This is fine.” And it was. The air nipped at Clarke’s exposed skin and she reveled in the fact that she was no longer in the congested spectacle in the building. The courtyard they were standing in wasn’t considerably large and was occupied with a few attendees roaming about. It was dimly lit with lights that dangled above on near invisible lines which gave off a warm inviting environment. The yard was decorated with hedges, plants and flowers that would make people forget that they were in a heavily dense city. Smack dab in the middle of the yard was a small gazebo, the main attraction, Clarke deduced. The courtyard was undeniably a lovely place.

Before she could take a step further into the night, a warm blazer draped Clarke’s bare shoulders. She looked at Lexa who seemed unfazed by the frigid air. She opened her mouth to express her concern but was halted with the shaking of Lexa’s head. She didn’t say anything, didn’t express why she relinquished her own warmth for the sake of Clarke’s. That’s when Clarke noticed the complete change of Lexa’s manner. No longer were her shoulders tightly poised. The cold expressing in her tired eyes softened and no longer glared but gazed. Lexa looked visibly relaxed in front of her, with her hands tucked into her pockets. One corner of her lip stretched upward as if she was keeping an amusing secret. Clarke blinked rapidly, not sure if she should excuse herself or find out that secret.

“Thank you for coming.” Lexa broke the silence again catching Clarke off guard.

“Thank you for inviting me.” She wrapped the blazer more tightly around her, the perfume engulfing her. They began walking slowly beside each other, inviting the silence back in. Clarke didn’t mind. She spent years looking at Lexa’s image. That silence between them was natural and comfortable. Clarke no longer questioned why she saw Lexa in her reflection. She decided that what will be, will be and ignorance is bliss. But there was one thing she wanted to know:

“Why Genghis Khan?”

“Hm?”

“Of all of the things someone could collect.” Clarke continued to walk but looked at Lexa. “Why an infamous man like Genghis Khan?”

“You disagree with my choices.” Lexa’s tone was a matter of fact. Not questioning, but stating.

“Everyone’s entitled to their tastes. I’m not here to shame anyone. Just curious why someone like you would want to obtain it.”

Lexa stopped in her tracks, her eyes set on the gazebo in front of them. She blinked slowly and raised her chin as if searching for the correct words. “I was taught at a very young age that sometimes in order to achieve greatness, one must do anything to ensure your place in history. No matter how harsh it may seem.”

“So genocide is the answer?” Clarke’s brows furrowed, trying to understand.

“Did he not unite many people together?” Lexa turned to her, now fully facing Clarke. “Through his strength and power, he ruled over the most ethnically and culturally diverse empires in Eurasia. Sometimes you cannot look at both the pros and the cons of any situation. Only the outcome matters.” Lexa studied the expression Clarke couldn’t hide and stood up straighter. “You don’t like what I say, but history has a tendency to repeat itself. Do you disapprove of what Columbus did? What the British Empire accomplished? What the American government is doing in the Middle East? Everything has a price, Clarke. It is not how much it costs, but if you’re willing to pay the costs that matters.”

“And you merging your company with the United Kingdom is your way of getting your foot in the door? For _greatness?_ ” Clarke didn’t intend for it to sound as harsh as it did and nearly regretted saying anything at all when Lexa stepped closer to her, her jaw working back and forth. She was in her space and Clarke could see conflict brewing in her eyes. They were fixed on her own, searching for something in Clarke, but the intense glare didn’t make her back down. “There must be a better way to achieve your goal that doesn’t result in selling power to the highest bidder.” Clarke could tell that Lexa was struggling to remain calm just by the expression in her eyes. Lexa perched her lips and tilted her head to the side slightly.

“It’s easy to speak about something you don’t understand, Clarke.” She spoke in a low voice making it apparent that she was attempting to hold back her aggravation. Without another word, Lexa turned and walked away from her, signaling she was done with the conversation. Clarke opened her mouth to add more, but came to the conclusion that it wasn’t wise to continue to fan the flame she saw in Lexa’s eyes.

She looked back at the doors of the building, seeing the silhouettes of the people enjoying themselves. _You could leave now_ , Clarke thought, _leave now while you still have a chance_. The echoing steps of Lexa’s heels soon become distant and Clarke turned to see where she had wandered off to. Lexa was standing to the right of the gazebo, her shoulders sinking down. Her back was to Clarke, but she could sense that Lexa was troubled. _Leave her be. You owe her nothing. You already said ‘Thank you.’ Go find Octavia._ Her head protested but her heart refused. Before she even realized, Clarke was standing behind Lexa. She must have noticed her presence because as Clarke approached her, Lexa became visibly rigid.

“I’m sorry.” Clarke said with conviction. “I’ve insulted the host of the party. Where are my manners?” She looked down, chuckling uneasily, attempting to alleviate the tense space between them. She heard Lexa exhale through her nose in a quick _huff_. Clarke looked up and was met with gentle eyes and a soft smile.

Lexa shook her head slowly. “Your opinion is appreciated.”

“Sometimes my opinions can be off-kilter.” Clarke raised one shoulder in a shrug.

“You don’t need to worry about being unorthodox with me.” She breathed in slowly. “It’s a breath of fresh air.”

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Time certainly is an elusive concept. It either passes way too quickly or seems to stand still entirely. For Clarke, it was the mixture of the two. She couldn’t recall how long she’s been sitting in the cool atmosphere with Lexa. The splendor inside the gala has dwindled significantly by the time Indra walked out into the courtyard.

“Ms. Woods.” She called out into the night. She stood several feet away from where they were sitting, hands folded in front of her and an annoyed expression across her face. “Your car is waiting for you.” Lexa didn’t say anything in return. She gave Indra a stern look and a simple nod. Indra disappeared back into the building, but not before she shot a glance at Clarke.

“She doesn’t like me.” Clarke scuffed.

“She doesn’t like anyone.”

“She _loathes_ me.”

Lexa covered her mouth with one hand, trying to conceal her smile and her snickering. The sounds pulled at Clarke’s heart, making it feel light. The feeling was alien to Clarke. She has never felt so at ease with someone who is practically a stranger. Stranger wasn’t the right word to describe Lexa. She was the furthest thing from it. Everything about Lexa was familiar. From the way she walked all the way to how her green eyes had the slightest hint of blue around her cornea. Everything felt right about her, but oh so wrong.

Lexa checked her watch and stood up. “It’s later than I expected.” She let out a slow sigh and looked down at Clarke. “Would you like a ride home?”

Clarke shot up and absentmindedly grabbed Lexa’s wrist to look at the time. “Shit.” She said under her breath. “Octavia’s going to kill me.”

“She’s most likely no longer here. Would you like to go look for her?”

Clarke gave a swift nod and the two women made their way into the building. She removed the blazer and handed it back to Lexa once they were inside. The party was certainly over. Evidence of the affair already had the attention of the cleaning crew and Clarke wasn’t sure if she regretted not fully allowing herself to attend it. The two women walked briskly beside one another as they searched for the woman in question.

Lexa escorted Clarke to check her belongings out after their search came up empty. Clarke dug in to her purse, after slipping on her own coat, and pulled out her phone. Two text notifications from Octavia displayed brightly across her screen.

O- 12:13 am: “Left with Lincoln.”

O- 12:15 am: “Text me when you get home.”

Clarke swore under her breath, making Lexa raise a brow in question “I assume she’s gone?”

“Yeah with tall, dark and handsome.” She jammed her phone back into her purse and released a frustrated sigh before biting her lower lip. “I hate to ask you, but – “

“Say no more.” Lexa raised her hand interrupting Clarke. Relief swept over Clarke as Lexa opened the door for her. She didn’t like taking a taxi in the first place, imagine having to take one alone at this time of night. She knew she was being paranoid, but she gets it from her mother and from Finn. With Lexa though, she felt safe. She tugged at her coat as she walked back into the crisp city air and watched as a tall man wearing a suit rounded a black SUV and opened the back door. Clarke looked behind her at Lexa who simply nodded and urged her forward. For a split moment there, back at the courtyard, Clarke had forgotten all about who Lexa was; forgot how wealthy she might actually be. It was perplexing to her because Lexa couldn’t be any older than she was and then she remembered what she said in her speech: _“Polaris Industries has been in my family…”_ Lexa was born into money. Clarke assumed that’s why she carried herself the way she did. Never slouching, well dressed and a proper way of speaking. She wondered how can such a young woman handle the responsibilities she carries on her shoulders.

She watched as Lexa ignored the man holding the open door and walked around to the other side of the vehicle to let herself in. Clarke glanced over at the man, his lips were perched and his head was lowered in defeat. Closing the door, the man made his way over to the driver’s seat and fastened his seat belt.

“Home, ma’am?” he looked into the rearview mirror at them. Clarke looked over at Lexa, narrowing her eyes. It was a strange thing to ask when they have a stranger in the back seat with them. Unless he’s assuming that she was going home with Lexa, which raised more than one question in Clarke’s mind.

“We’ll be taking Ms. Griffin to her home, Gustus.” Armed with Clarke’s street address, Gustus pulled away from the building and into the virtually quiet streets of the city.

Moments went by quietly in the SUV as she looked out the dark windows. _Too_ quiet and it made Clarke uncomfortable. She played with her hands, which rested on her lap, pulling her fingers and occasionally twisting her ring. The silence was nerve racking and Clarke felt like she was going to burst.

“So you’re engaged?”

Clarke jerked her head to look at Lexa whose eyes were fixed on the ring. It made her look at it, opening her hand to see the silver encircling her ring finger.

“Oh,” She paused. “Yes, I am.”

“What’s his name?”

“Finn.”

Lexa fell quiet. Clarke squinted her eyes to see the woman’s expression through the dark, only getting help from the flashes of the street lights that darted across Lexa’s face. Clarke knew that the woman’s face did not often betray the thoughts that lingered beneath the surface, but she saw it. It was only just a glimpse, but she knew she saw it. Hopelessness. Lexa breathed in deeply, more than likely realizing she let her emotions slip and with a gentle nod, hopelessness turned to nothingness. She became unreadable yet again. Her expression as cold as the night and her eyes has dark as the starless city sky.  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

It was extremely late when she finally got home. The living room was dimly lit by a single lamp that sat on a stand by her sofa. A distant meow followed by the jingling of a collar resonated through the quiet apartment and moments later, Horus emerged from Clarke’s bedroom. He meowed again quietly when he saw his companion, most likely questioning her on why she was so late returning home. An air kiss from her was all he needed and he slowly disappeared back into the bedroom. Clarke let her hair down and removed her heels, extremely grateful to finally be freed from the hellish footwear. Exhaustion held her body and mind captive. She debated whether or not she should go through her nightly routine, but ultimately chose to do so.

After washing up, Clarke fell onto her bed, making Horus jump as a result. She reached over to grab her phone on the nightstand that she had placed there to charge. She slowly thumbed a text to Octavia.

Clarke- 2:07 am: “I’m home. Sorry for leaving you. I hope you had fun ;)”

Putting down her phone, the gleam of the diamond on her finger caught her attention and to no surprise, she didn’t think of the one who gave it to her. Her mind went to that single moment in the back of the SUV. The near missable expression on the woman’s face. How her heart ached to see Lexa reserve herself immediately afterwards. How things were left unspoken between them as they said their goodbyes.

Her hand felt robotic, felt like it was controlled by another entity, as she slowly began twisting the ring. It slipped off of her finger with ease. Clarke examined the band as it glinted  
and shimmered in the dim light. She felt the change in her just like she felt the change of the seasons. Autumn was coming and soon the trees will be bare and exposed. Nature shedding and hiding itself away until it was ready to begin anew. Clarke smiled faintly, placed the ring on the bedside table, turned the light off and was fast asleep moments later.


	4. Remember November

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank everyone who left such kind comments after chapter three. It really means a lot to me that you guys are enjoying this story. I also want to apologize for the delay of this chapter. I'll do my best to update the following chapters in a much shorter time frame. These chapters are only getting longer from here so I guess that's a good thing. This chapter is one of my favorites and I really hope you guys enjoy it as well. Much love. ~Naomi

Who invented the concept of time? Who thought it was important to track the Earth’s position to the sun to tell the time? Clarke began to think about the man made idea of keeping time when she realized almost two months came and went in a flash. The weather is almost at its peak as November was coming to an end.

Has she been running on autopilot since the night of the gala? Was she just going through life to simply survive? To go from point A to point B without considering the possibility of taking a different route? Wake up. Go to work. Go to sleep. Rinse and repeat. She was just floating through, wandering on and on. You know what they say about wanderers…

Two months have passed and Clarke has heard nothing more of the woman named Lexa. She thought that maybe she was just dreaming. That she made up this Lexa persona or maybe she was indeed insane. That maybe the woman in the mirror was a figment of her imagination. A coping mechanism she developed to deal with the death of her father. No. That would be impossible. She saw Lexa way before Jake died. Clarke had to remind herself that she’s real. That Lexa lived in the same world as she did and she was out there. But oh how Clarke missed seeing Lexa’s image in her reflection. She missed seeing the side of her she got to witness that one oddly cold night. With fire in her eyes and the faint smile that crossed her lips. She could have spent forever sitting in that courtyard, sharing silence and stolen glances.

Two months have passed and Clarke was forced to rejoin society when she received an urgent text from Raven.

Rocket Reyes - 3:19 pm: “S.O.S. I’m coming over when you get off.”

A vague message from someone who’s normally more flamboyant. Something was wrong, definitely wrong.

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Raven sat quietly across from her that late afternoon on Clarke’s balcony, her hair tied up in a ponytail and her face twisted in anger. The sun hasn’t fully set and the sky was still a pale blue, but the light was hiding behind the skyline. They were wrapped in blankets with a steaming cup of tea beside them. Even though they were out there for a while, Clarke just sat quietly, waiting for Raven to start the conversation.

“Do you think I’m an idiot Clarke?” Raven spoke in a harsh tone. Clarke raised a brow in question. “For real, am I someone you can just take advantage of?”

“No. What’s going on Rae?”

Raven shot up from her chair, “Those  _putas_  at Arcadia think they can steal my ideas and pass it off as their own and I wouldn't do anything about it? No way man!” She started shaking her head and pacing the small space. “And they have the audacity to make me continue to work on it.”

“On what?”

“The only thing I’ve been working on for over a year, Clarke. Stay with me here.” Raven finally sat down, “So you want to know what I did?” She didn’t wait for an answer, “I worked on that damn thing  _but_  I made a few tiny adjustments to the math behind the project. When they decide to make a prototype, there might be…possibly…maybe…a _tiny_ explosion.”

“Raven!”

“What?” she slouched, picking up her cup of tea. “It’s just a small one. No one will get hurt… _maybe_. I handed in the blueprints with my resignation. Rocket Reyes never goes out without a bang.” She mimicked a gun with her fingers, making a shooting gesture and smirked playfully.

“I really hate that you call yourself Rocket Reyes.” Clarke shook her head, sipping her tea. Raven followed suit and groaned once she tasted the liquid.

“I really hate that you drink this crap,” she set the cup aside. “Drink coffee like a normal human being.”

“Tea is better for you. Who pours milk before the tea anyways?”

“The kind that looks left while everyone else looks right.” Raven wrapped the blanket more tightly around herself and let out a quick sigh. “So…did you hear that Bellamy is back in town?” She lowered her head slightly, eyes fixed on Clarke and waited for her reaction.

“Oh really? I’m assuming he’s staying with Octavia?” Clarke was happy that her Blake siblings were back together, but the news of his return didn’t faze her. She knew why Raven brought him up, her dark curious eyes didn't hide anything from her. Bellamy and Clarke were an item all through high school and everyone thought they’d be together forever. Turns out, forever only lasted until freshmen year of college. It was a fairly mutual breakup: Clarke still had the pain of her father’s death lingering and she wanted to be absolutely focused with her studies. Bellamy took a while to understand, but eventually agreed to give her her space. She still loved him, but merely in a platonic way.

“He’s…actually staying with me. Until he has to go back on tour after the New Year.” Raven was shifting in her chair, an uneasy expression on her face.

“Raven look,” Clarke sat up and leaned towards her friend, “I know you like him and I know he likes you. I knew you liked him even before your accident. I don't know why you’re tip toeing over something that ended before we even met.” She reached over and placed her hand on Raven’s knee. “Go for it girl. He’s a good man and I know he’ll make you very happy. If he doesn’t,” she shrugged, “I’ll punch him in his stupid dimple.” Clarke saw her relax, releasing a sigh she was probably holding in for a while. Raven flashed a sweet smile as a thank you and grabbed her cup again. She leaned back and snickered.

“Stupidly cute dimple.”

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Thanksgiving was a couple of days away and she received a call from her mother the night before making sure she was coming over for the holiday. Clarke prepared for a jog the following morning, making sure she was bundled up enough to traverse the cold city. It became a hobby after her night with Lexa. She realized that the pounding of her feet on the pavement helped clear her head. She stretched thoroughly by the door as Horus watched lazily from his usual perch on the sofa.

She stood erect and winked at him, “Later handsome.” She smiled when he replied with a yawn and then walked out of the door. The cold bit at Clarke’s exposed face, greeting her good morning. She breathed in deeply as she watched cars drive past and pedestrians briskly walk in front of her. The city was fully awake and she was ready to conquer it. The symphony of the city was muffled when she stuck earbuds in and looked from side to side. Her normal route was to her right, but something pulled her attention to the left. She knew that a coffee shop and a bakery line up on that side of the street. She didn't really like the thought of jogging in that direction due to the traffic that the shops attracted. She looked up at the gray/blue sky and shrugged.

“Why not?” She said to herself, turned left and began her run. Keeping a moderate pace, Clarke weaved through the other people she shared the sidewalk with. She passed the usual suspects that lived on or near this street, like the middle aged man walking his white fluffy miniature dog, the elderly couple that lived in her apartment building that would speed walk adorably slow and the preoccupied business woman that had her Bluetooth surgically attached to her ear.

The aroma spewing out from the coffee and bakery danced wonderfully in Clarke’s nostrils as she got closer to the shops. Having never actually been inside the bakery, she made a mental note to stop by after her run. Once she reached the strip of shops that had the fragrance of bread and coffee beans, she saw a black SUV pull up to the curb and her heart leapt out of her chest. She paused in the middle of the sidewalk and watched as the back door opened for Lexa to step out.  She was looking down at her phone beside the car and Clarke didn’t know whether to turn to run away or go up to her. Either way, she wasn’t going anywhere for her feet were frozen to the ground.  Her breath hitched in her throat when Lexa looked up and locked eyes with her. Her brow furrowed briefly before her lips curved upwards in a faint smile. The gesture alone was all Clarke needed to approach her.

“Clarke,” Lexa slid her hand into her coat pocket as she got closer, “good morning.” Her eyes trailed down Clarke’s figure, “Enjoying your run?” The comment made her painfully aware of her appearance. She must have looked like a mess with the silly ponytail and lack of makeup. She probably looked like a gremlin standing next to Lexa who seems to look good no matter what she is wearing. Her gray overcoat wrapped around her slender body, protecting it from the cold. Her fitted dark pants hid inside black boots that stopped just below her knees. She was amazed how Lexa could pull off a messy bun without it looking like the disaster Clarke tends to have happen.

“Uh yeah,” She anxiously tried to fix her hair, “I picked it up recently.”

Lexa nodded, “It’s a good stress reliever.”

“I’m sorry,” Clarke narrowed her eyes, “are you - do you live near here?”

“No.” She shook her head slowly then pointed to the bakery they were standing in front of. “This place has the best cheese Danish I’ve ever had. Have you tried them?”

“I actually haven’t been here before which is wrong since I live a few blocks from here.” Clarke didn't know why she thought sharing that information was important.

“Well, if you’re done with your run would you like to have one? My treat.”

Clarke looked at the storefront then back at Lexa, “Actually… I just started my run. I’m going to have to take you up on that offer another time.” She bit her lip when she saw Lexa’s smile disappear. She titled her head down in a single nod, but there was something in her tired eyes that gave everything away. Clarke watched as she pulled out her wallet and handed her a business card.

“If you decide you'd like a running partner, give me a call sometime.” Though her face expressed nothing, Lexa’s eyes told Clarke that she was disappointed. “Have a good day.” She said quietly and began walking to the bakery. Clarke stood there looking at Lexa’s name on the card. She looked up at the woman as she was opening the door.

“H-hey Lexa?” she called out to her. Lexa stopped in her tracks, the door a quarter of the way open and looked over her shoulder at Clarke. “If…you’re not doing anything for Thanksgiving,” she paused, breathing in deeply, “would you like to join me and my family?” What was she doing? Why did she invite her to such a personal event? It was like her tongue had a mind of its own and she was screaming internally. What has gotten into her? She was like a different person when in the presence of Lexa. Like the very mention of her name brings something unrecognizable out of Clarke. 

She stood there, in the middle of the sidewalk, feeling like she was in the middle of the ocean and she was calling out for help. Stood there holding the card with Lexa’s name, feeling like it was a life saver. Looking at Lexa with wide eyes asking her to join her, like asking her to save her life. She saw Lexa part her lips, saw the remnants of shock flash across her face. Then her eyes softened and the same ghostly smile subtly tugged at the corners of her lips.

“I’d love to.”

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Thanksgiving morning was eerily cold and gloomy as she got ready to leave. She spoke to Lexa the day before and they had agreed to meet up at Clarke’s place so they could drive to Abby’s house together. She had advised her to pack a bag because her mother would more than likely invite them to stay the night. Horus watched from her dresser with curious eyes as Clarke gathered her belongings. A smile stretched across her face as soon as she received a message from Lexa saying she was on her way and she was getting excited.

Clarke looked in the mirror, making sure she didn't look horrible like that morning she ran in to Lexa. She raked her fingers through her shoulder length hair and checked her make up. Her blue eyes narrowed as she looked at herself and she began to wonder why she was making so much of an effort to look good. 

_She's just an acquaintance._  Clarke thought. 

“That I've invited for Thanksgiving dinner.” She said aloud.

_You have a fiancé._  

“What does that have to do with anything?”

_Think about it._

Her eyebrows pushed closer together, not sure what her conscience meant. In a habit, she went to twist the ring on her finger only to touch her bare skin. What was she doing? She was acting like a child and needed to straighten up her act. It wasn't like this was the first time Finn was away and it certainly wasn't going to be the last. Clarke signed up for that, knew how much he loved his job and how much he loved her. So why was she acting differently? The woman in the mirror, that’s why. She was drawn to Lexa. Forgot all sense when the stoic woman no longer lived in her reflection, but existed in reality. 

_That doesn’t matter. You’re promised to Finn. Where’s your loyalty?_

Clarke nodded at herself in the mirror, agreeing with her conscience. She looked over her shoulder to where the diamond laid abandoned on the bed side table and briskly made her way over to retrieve it. Her fingers were mere centimeters away from the jewelry when she heard a knock at the front door, making her freeze in place and the butterflies fluttered in her stomach. She balled her hand into a fist, closed her eyes and breathed in sharply. Clarke abandoned the ring once again and walked out of her room to look through the peep hole. She opened the door and greeted Lexa with a smile.

“Hey. Come on in,” Clarke opened the door wider, “I still need to pack a few things.”

“No worries.” Lexa walked into the apartment, giving that same smile that didn't expose her teeth.

“Make yourself at home.” She walked towards her bedroom, noticing Horus peeking at their guest from the doorframe of the room, “I won’t take long.” She retreats into her room and stuffs the remaining items in her bag. She looked up at the diamond ring glinting maliciously at her. It no longer symbolized the forever she promised to Finn. Hooking her bag on the crook of her arm, she left the shimmering uncertainty on the table and turned to make her way back to the living room.

Clarke paused momentarily when she looked down the hallway into the living room. Lexa was squatting down and scratching behind Horus’ ear with one long slender finger. She chuckled softly and walked towards them.

“Well that’s strange,” she said crossing her arms, looking down at them, “he’s not usually this friendly with strangers.”

“What’s his name?” Lexa didn’t look up, but Clarke saw that she was smiling.

“Horus.”

“Ah…Horus.” She spoke softly as if she only wanted the feline to hear her, “God of the Sky.”

‘Yeah…” Clarke bent down to their level and began petting Horus as well. “When I got him, I didn’t know what to name him. But then he began climbing to get to the highest part in the room and he would just stay there, watching.” She snuck a glance at Lexa, enjoying the delight in the normally expressionless face, “It just so happens that I was reading a Neil Gaiman book about gods and the god Horus was in there.” She scratched under his chin softly and shrugged, “The name just stuck.”

“He’s beautiful.”

_You’re beautiful._

Clarke’s eyes widened at her thought. Her heart skipped a beat when Lexa looked up at her as if she heard her thoughts. It was only then that she became aware of how close they were. Lexa’s eyes were abnormally dark, her pupils like an abyss that swallowed up her earthy iris. They were shifting, looking into Clarke’s own eyes as if searching for something.

Clarke blinked rapidly, tearing herself away from Lexa’s gaze. She stood up and cleared her throat. “We should go now. I told my mother that I’ll help her prepare.” Lexa’s eyes fell down back to Horus and stroked his head lovingly. She stood up and softly smiled.

“Then we shouldn’t keep her waiting.”

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

They arrived at Abby’s house around midday and Clarke pulled into the long drive way with a long sigh. When she examined the home, she noticed that Christmas lights already lit the exterior of the two story building. Her mother was always the one to decorate early and leave them up until the end of January, even if Marcus protested. She wouldn't be surprised if there was a fully decorated tree in the den.

“This is a lovely home.” Clarke looked over when Lexa broke the silence. She was looking out the passenger window, examining the neighborhood. “Did you grow up here?” she turned to Clarke, a faint smile on her face.

Clarke nodded as she turned off the car. “You probably lived in a much nicer place than this.” She said as they got out and wished she could take what she said back. Lexa’s eyes grew sad and she frowned.

“It doesn't matter where you grew up. A house is not a home if there is no love.” Lexa’s words bounced around in Clarke’s mind as they slowly walked towards the front door. It made her wonder of Lexa’s upbringing. If it was good or bad or if she wanted something more than money could ever give her. Though Clarke never had to worry about something as finicky as money, she saw it could never bring pure happiness. That’s what she thought Lexa meant about a home and about love.

Lexa’s steely structure was in place when Clarke rang the doorbell and Marcus answered moments later.

“Hey sweetheart.” He hugged her, a bright smile stretching across his clean shaven face. He turned to Lexa and offered his hand. “You must be Lexa. I’m Marcus. We were surprised when Clarke said she’s bringing a friend over. Delightfully surprised that is.”

“Thank you for having me.” She said as she shook his hand.

“Oh, think nothing of it.” He swiped his hand in a dismissive gesture, “Come on in, it’s freezing out there!” They were ushered in and Marcus gladly took their coats. “Abby,” he called out, “Clarke and her friend are here.” After putting away the coats in a nearby closet, Marcus took Clarke in one arm and kissed her temple. “Can I get you girls anything? Water? Coffee perhaps?”

“Oh, no thank you.” Lexa smiled sweetly.

Clarke turned towards the direction of approaching footsteps and watched as Abby entered the foyer. When Abby saw Lexa, she stopped in her footsteps, a brief confused look flashes across her face which made Clarke’s brow furrow. Abby quickly gathers herself and steps forward with a non-convincing smile lining her face.

“Lexa, I presume.” She shook Lexa’s hand.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Griffin.”

“Oh, call me Abby.” Her eyes darted to Clarke, giving her a look of uncertainty. “Clarke, go wash up. I need help with the desserts.”

“I told you I could help you with that.” said Marcus.

“Marcus, you’re a man of many talents,” Abby put a hand on his shoulder, “but baking isn’t one of them.”

“Nonsense. This old dog can still learn a few things. Besides, the girls just got here. Let them settle in and relax.” He smiled at Abby and looked at Clarke. “Go show Lexa where she’ll be staying. I’ll help your mother.”

Clarke looked over at her mother, who looked over at Lexa and her. She perched her lips and nodded at her husband. Abby didn't need to say anything. Clarke could sense that she wasn't at ease. For what, Clarke didn’t know but she just shrugged it off and began to lead Lexa upstairs. Once on the second floor, she started to show Lexa where she would be sleeping, as well as where the bathroom was located.

“And this is my room.” Clarke said as she opened the door to her old bedroom. They both stepped in and Clarke put her things on the bed. She turned towards the other woman whose eyes were scanning the wall filled with art and photographs.

“Did you draw all of these?” Lexa asked, taking a step closer to the right side of the room, passing her vanity table and bed.

“Yes.” Clarke felt her cheeks getting warm from embarrassment.

“They’re quite good.” She looked back at her smiling, making Clarke’s embarrassment turn into an actual blush. She noticed how a photograph sticking between the wood and the mirror of the vanity table caught Lexa’s attention. Clarke watched as she seemed so at ease to explore her room like she's been here a dozen times. She looked into the mirror at Lexa’s face, having a surreal moment of what used to be. First, it was just Lexa’s image, then her own. Now, Clarke stared at both of their reflections side by side and everything at that moment seemed right.

“Who’s this man?” Lexa’s face was covered in confusion. Clarke knew which photo she was referring to. In between the pictures of her and her friends from their teenage years, was a black and white photo of her and a man with a big beaming smile that lined his face.

“That’s my father…”

Lexa looked at her, noticing the change in Clarke’s voice. Her brows bent closer together as she tilted her head slightly. “Marcus isn’t…?”

“No.” Clarke shook her head and looked at the floor. “He’s my step-father.” Lexa didn’t say anything; she didn’t need an explanation as if she already knew the answer. She was glad that she didn't pry into why Jake was no longer in her life. Clarke must have had her thoughts all over her face, because moments later she felt Lexa’s hand on her arm. She looked up at the woman who gave her the simplest form of comfort and was thankful she wasn’t being left alone with her thoughts. Clarke was used to people’s sympathy, brushing off their pity with ease but the look Lexa gave her was far from pity. Her eyes were sincere with empathy and Clarke just wanted Lexa to hold her.

A strange feeling came over her just then. She felt something pulling at her chest, pulling her towards the woman in front of her. It felt as if her heart was magnetic, seeking the attraction of its counterpart. Her feet did not move, she did not budge, but she believed she was moving closer to Lexa. Like gravity was holding her to the earth, keeping her from flying off. Just as Clarke reached up to touch Lexa’s hand, her mother called out to her, making her jump.

“Hey honey?” Abby’s voice was heard from the foot of the stairs. “Raven’s here, come down.”

Clarke noticed that Lexa’s steely demeanor was once again put in place once she lifted her hand from her arm. The warmth on the spot where her hand was quickly cooled as they exited the room and descended down the staircase. Raven was in the foyer removing her coat, smiling at Marcus and speaking indistinguishably. She turned her attention to Clarke and Lexa as they reached the last step. Raising an eyebrow at the sight of the woman behind Clarke.

“Hey Clarke.” her tone was curious and questioning, her smile didn't vanish though.

“I didn’t know you were coming.” She hugged her friend. “I thought you were going to spend time with Bellamy and Octavia.”

“Well they decided to go on a sibling camping trip and I’m not for that.” She shook her head, “Bugs. Dirt. Bears. No thank you. I need my Wi-Fi.”

Clarke noticed how Raven’s eyes were fixed on the stranger behind her. “This is Lexa.” She stepped aside so that Lexa was in full view of Raven. They extended their hands out and shook.

“Lexa? Woods?” Raven said with intrigue in her voice, “You’re Octavia’s boss aren't you?”

“One and the same.” She smiled warmly, “though she reports directly to an associate of mine.”

“Now that everyone’s here,” Abby rubbed her hands in excitement, “you girls can help me finish the desserts. Marcus tried and hurt himself.” She gave a teasing smile to her husband.

“You were in there for only ten minutes,” Clarke looked at Marcus who was rubbing his reddening finger. “How’d you manage to hurt yourself?”

“I’m a man of many talents, Clarke,” he said with laughter tainting his voice, “but baking isn’t one of them.”

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

After the turkey has been carved and the mashed potatoes were passed around the table, everyone was engaged in their occasional small talk but Abby watched Lexa carefully. Lexa was seated to Clarke’s left and was eating silently.

“So Lexa,” she wiped the corners of her mouth and laced her finger in front of her, “you’re Octavia’s boss? What do you do in the company?”

“I actually own the company.” Lexa lowered her head as if trying to humble herself as much as possible. Everyone’s eyes were fixed on her and Clarke wondered why Lexa felt the need to not make it sound like a big deal.

“You own the company?” Marcus’ brows were raised in surprise, “You couldn’t be a day over thirty.” 

Lexa smiled softly and looked down at her plate briefly before looking him in the eye, a surge of pride kicking out the humility instantly. “Yes, I am young. I actually acquired the company through inheritance. It wasn’t until a few months ago did I accept the role.”

“Inheritance?” Abby’s brow arched, the question manifesting itself physically. “What happened to your parents?”

“My mother died giving birth to me.” Lexa’s tone was a matter of fact, no hints of sadness to it. “My father drank himself to an early grave.” Everyone’s eyes widened and darted amongst one another. The dining room instantly become uncomfortably silent and Clarke thought of something to ease the tension.

“So Raven’s trying to get herself arrested by blowing up her ex-employers’ faces.” She chuckled nervously, taking a big gulp of wine. She sneaked a look at Lexa, whose face dropped its prideful look. She looked as if she wanted to run, like she regretted sharing such private information. Clarke wanted to ease what troubled Lexa’s mind, wanted to show her the same amount of comfort she showed her upstairs. Without thinking about the repercussions, Clarke shifted her leg closer to the woman beside her. Lexa immediately went rigid, her eyes widening only for a moment before relaxing again.

“What do you mean  _ex_ -employers?” Abby looked at Raven who was seated to her left. 

“Really?” Raven darted an angry look to Clarke. “Your daughter said I was going to blow up some faces and the only thing you heard was ‘ex-employers’?” She then turned to Clarke, pointing a clean butter knife at her. “And why did you have to bring that up? You know how your mother gets.”

“What do you mean by that?” Abby smiles half-heartedly. “How do I get?”

“You get all mother hen-like.” Raven hugged herself and mimicked Abby, “Oh my babies! Nothing should ever happen to them!”

Abby playfully shoved Raven, her mouth agape, “I just want the best for you guys! What’s wrong with that?”

“What did you do Raven?” Lexa had an amused smile across her face. “Since Clarke mentioned blowing up people’s faces, I assume that you’re in an interesting field.”

“I invent things. Things that the military could use.” Raven smirked. “Things like better processors for the computer systems you’ll find in fighter jets.”

“Is that so?” Lexa raised her chin. “Are you any good?”

“Good?” Raven scuffed. “I’m the best. Your company is probably using technology I invented. I’m fairly sure Polaris actually does business with Arcadia so more than likely you are using my technology.” She leaned back in her chair, obviously pleased with herself.

“Interesting.” Lexa put an elbow on the table and rested her chin in her palm. “How about I cut out the middle man and go straight to the source? How would you like to work for Polaris? You’ll have free rein with anything you’d like to do.”

Raven slowly sat up straight, her expression shocked. “Are you serious?” When Lexa answered with a nod, she smiled brightly.

“Come by the office Monday morning and we’ll have a proper interview. For formalities.” Lexa sat up straight, a corner of her lip tugging upwards. Clarke couldn’t help but to be amazed by how kind Lexa was being. Granted, the only thing she knew about her was the information Octavia provided. Was she right about Lexa? Is she really just one of those corporations that didn't care about anything but money? If so, then why is it that every time she was with her she’s kind and warm. She’s seen how Lexa reacts to people on her staff, looks at them with cold glares and ignores them. Like she’s above it all. Maybe when it came to business she would wear the mask of duty. Never allowing emotions to get in the way with the task at hand.

“Clarke?” being ripped from her thought, she turned to Abby whose expression was one of concern. “Did you hear what I said?”

“Oh,” Clarke raked her hair back, “no I’m sorry. What were you saying?”

“Where’s your ring?”

She immediately looked down at her ring finger and felt everyone do the same. Mild panic took hold of her body when she realized she forgot to put it back on before she left. What is she going to say? That she’s confused? That she's having doubts? No. That would cause more trouble than she’s willing to endure right now. It’s Thanksgiving. There’s no need to create problem in the family.

“Oh,” she closed her hand into a fist and smiled convincingly, “I just forgot it at home. I take it off when I clean so I must have forgotten to put it back on.” 

_Great. Now I’m lying to my mother._

Clarke watched as Abby’s eyes narrowed. Has she caught her in a lie? Mothers tend to always know when their children are lying.

“You do that sometimes.” Marcus said after taking a sip of his wine. “Sometimes I’ll find her rings by the sink.” He smiled as he took Abby’s hand in his own, stroking her knuckles with his thumb. The gesture was just enough for her mother to lift her eyes off of Clarke. 

_Bullet dodged._  She thought as she let out a quiet sigh.

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Clarke’s eyes fluttered open and she looked up into the darkness. She's been tossing a turning all night and she blamed her wandering mind. She felt Raven stop slightly next to her and wanted to apologize for waking her until she went still and her breathing evened out. Normally whenever Octavia or Raven accompanied her to her mother’s house, with the intention of staying, they'd sleep in the guest room but that of course was already occupied.

She couldn't sleep and instead of fighting with herself, and waking Raven in the process, Clarke decided to get out of bed. Events after dinner flashed in her mind as she tied her hair up and walked out into the hallway. As awkward as it started out, the dinner went quite smoothly. Though it seemed like Marcus and Abby tip toed around the questions they asked Lexa, to avoid another dead family member story, she can tell everyone enjoyed themselves.

Clarke closed the door behind her and started to make her way down the hallway, but stopped in front of the guest room. She bit her bottom lip as she began to raise her hand to knock, but decided against it. How creepy can she get? First she invited a stranger to her mother’s house for dinner and now she was standing in front of said stranger’s door in the middle of the night. She rolled her eyes at herself and descended down the stairs. She couldn't be that creepy since Lexa did agree to come along. She couldn't keep referring to her as a stranger but she couldn't quite use the title of “friend” either. Lexa is just a person she knows. Lexa is  _her_  person.

She navigated the dark house with ease and ended up in the kitchen that was dimly lit by the light above the stove. The tiles were cold against her bare feet as she padded across the kitchen. She began to pour herself a glass of water, thanking her mother for reminding her to buy a filtration faucet for her own sink. She looked through the small window that was above the sink and out into the backyard. The moon and stars were out providing some form of illumination and she began scanning the yard as she gulped down the crisp water from her cup.

The yard was fairly large, large enough to hold a tree with a rickety tree house Jake built for her that they proudly dubbed “The Station”. Abby would always watch Clarke intently through this window, always shouting at her to be careful while up there. She looked out at the large open space of grass and remembered all of the games of soccer she played with the Blake’s and her father. Boys versus girls and Clarke is convinced, to this day, that Bellamy was lying when he said that they let her and Octavia win. She smiled as the memories flooded her thought but it soon disappeared. The memories were wonderful and she’d cherish them forever, but they reminded her of how she missed her father terribly.

Something caught her eye just as she was finishing the last of the water. The slightest movement in the dark made all of Clarke’s senses alert. Someone was out there and she leaned in closer to the window to get a better look. To the left of the window on the small patio, Clarke could almost make out a figure. She narrowed her eyes to see if she could get a better look and saw the small frame of Lexa. She stood there motionless, wrapped in her coat and dark lounge pants protected her legs from the cold. Her hair was down and her head was tilted up towards the sky. Clarke's brows furrowed, wondering why she was standing out in the cold in the middle of the night. Clarke grabbed her own coat from the closet and made her way to the glass sliding door. She paused momentarily, looking out at the dark figure then carefully opened the door to not startle Lexa. But her efforts were to no avail when Clarke saw her turn her head slightly toward her direction.

“I didn’t mean to disturb you.” Clarke said quietly, closing the door behind her. Lexa fully turned to her after hearing her voice and Clarke could almost see the soft smile on her face.

“You didn’t.”

“What are you doing up? Let alone, standing out here in the cold?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

Clarke walked up to Lexa in order to be side by side with her. The night was still. No breeze danced in the air. If it weren't for the crickets, she would have assumed they were stuck in a limbo type state. She clenched her coat more tightly around her, regretting not putting on anything to protect her naked feet.

“I couldn’t sleep.” she said, hugging herself.

Lexa looked out at the large yard. “Neither can I.”

“What are you doing out here anyways?”

Lexa looked up at the starry sky, the moon light cascading down on her face. “I’m admiring the stars.” She smiled, baring her teeth. Clarke was surprised to see the white flash of her expressed delight and absolutely reveled in the sight. “I rarely get to see them. I’m always in the city and I didn’t realize how much I miss seeing them.”

Clarke looked up as well. The stars peppered the black sky beautifully and she remembered now how many times her and her parents would just sit out there with a make shift campfire making s’mores.  She snuck a glance at Lexa, wondering if she ever got the chance to do something like that with her father.

“Can I ask you something?” She perched her lips, not sure if she really wanted to ask the question.

“You can ask me anything you want Clarke.” Lexa didn't look at her, still stargazing.

“At dinner…you spoke of your parents so bluntly. Without emotion. As if they meant nothing to you.”

The smile disappeared from Lexa’s face, her eyes no longer gazed at the stars but glared at them. Clarke was afraid that she over stepped her bounds. She bit her lip, damning her curiosity. Lexa’s body was no longer at ease and Clarke watched as she lowered her head, looking straight ahead and squared her shoulders.

“I cannot grieve for a mother I did not know.” She spoke firmly in a low voice. “Do I regret never having a chance to have a motherly figure in my life? Having a mother there teaching me what it means to be a proper woman? Of course, but I cannot let such an unfortunate fact dictate my life. As for my father,” she breathed in slowly, “I didn't know him. I was mainly in the care of nannies and when I was old enough he sent me to boarding school. When I was twelve, I received the news that he had passed. Apparently, he became a heavy drinker. Waking up still drunk from the night before and going to bed with a bottle in his hand.” Lexa paused and Clarke saw her swallow hard. Now she knew why Lexa didn’t express the proper emotions for her parents. 

“Who took care of you then?” Clarke wanted to understand Lexa. Wanted to know what made her who she is today.

“My uncle became my legal guardian. He took me in, home schooled me, provided me with everything I could possibly need. He’s the only father figure I've known. He took care of me when he could have just left me to rot in boarding school. An orphan in the system.”

“So you did have someone to care for you. You weren't alone.”

“I was only an asset, Clarke.” Lexa turned towards her fully, her eyes violently fierce. “He only did those things because of legal obligations and personal gain.”

“What could he have possibly gained from being your guardian?”

“I am the heiress of a multi-billion-dollar company, Clarke. My father left the company to my uncle until I was of age.”

So that’s what she meant by home and love. Lexa didn't have either of them. Though she was raised in luxury and wealth, she was missing the most important thing a child needs: Love. Clarke now sees why it was empathy and not pity in Lexa’s comfort earlier for losing one parent when Lexa didn't even have a proper family. Lexa was so reserved because she didn't know how to be anything else. She was robbed of her childhood and all Clarke wanted to do was hold her. This woman was far more than anything she could imagine. Layer upon layers and Clarke wanted to peel them all back to see what was really inside, who Lexa really is.

Clarke reached out for her then, without thinking and took her hand in her own. She wanted to say so much to the other woman, but she didn’t know where to start. What should she say anyways that Lexa hasn’t heard before? Lexa grew up with everything and with nothing. Saying sorry wasn't enough. So what can Clarke say to the woman who she's seen for all of her life? Who was standing there in the near darkness of the November night? Whose warm hand cupped her own, the only source that gave warmth to her frozen fingers?

“We have each other now.” The words flowed from Clarke’s mouth unexpectedly. Why would she say something like that? Why would she guarantee her presence in Lexa’s life so carelessly? Without even knowing the future? Clarke’s eyes never diverted from Lexa’s, trying to catch any sign of emotion. Not wanting to blink in fear of missing whatever Lexa had to show. Her eyes were wide, shifting between Clarke’s. They were looking for answers or maybe she was trying to find the lie. She then smiled, closed her eyes and lowered her head.

“We have both lost someone, Clarke.” She said softly, “but we are strong because we did not allow the past to be our present or our future. _We_ have the strength to carry on and still find the will to live.”

It was in that moment, a breeze danced along the leaves of the trees and tickled the back of Clarke’s neck. The sudden change in weather made her conscious of the sudden change within herself. She meant what she said to Lexa. They do have each other now and nothing can tear her away from Lexa Woods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that I shared some of Clarke's past, I hope you guys don't kill me for adding a small Bellarke backstory there. I just want to make it clear that I don't ship them romantically. They do make a great team on the show and their relationship should stay where it's at. Strictly platonic. I do respect people who ship them of course but that is only because I expect them to respect my ship as well. That will be the only moment in the story in which Bellarke is mentioned I promise. I just wanted to add that moment because I wanted Raven to have the conversation with her best friend about dating one of her exs. I thought it was a nice moment between two friends and I hope you guys saw it the way I was trying to envision.


	5. You Were Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Find a heart that will love you at your worst and arms that hold you at your weakest._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're half way through and I just want to thank you guys so much for your support on this story. You have no idea how much it means to me. I love reading all your comments and to know all your questions and also your thoughts. Chapter five is another favorite of mine and I hope you guys enjoy it as well. 
> 
> If anyone's interested, I've written all the chapters so far to the Cinematic Orchestra station on Pandora. Give it a listen :)
> 
> Much love. ~Naomi

Purring vibrated in her ears and a warm heap on her chest awoke her form her much needed rest. She has been primarily bed ridden trying to recover from a nasty cold she acquired after staying up until the sun broke the dark sky with its orange rays. She pried one eye open and looked at the dark mask like pattern of the fur on his face. He stared at her with his icy blue eyes silently demanding food by tapping his white paw gently on her nose. Clarke groaned and covered her eyes with her hand. She eventually got up, making Horus leap off of her chest, and let out a heavy sigh. She doesn’t know how many days has passed since being in that bed. She regretted staying up that Thanksgiving night with no shoes and a mediocre coat. The fact that she was out there with Lexa voided everything else, even if it felt like she was developing bed sores. Her body protested as she swung her legs to the side of the bed and Horus watched intently as she slowly rose to her feet and tilted his head when her phone chimed with a notification. Clarke lazily picked it up and tried to focus on the message on the screen.

Lexa – 10:22 am: I hope you’re feeling better today.

She smiled.

Clarke – 10:23 am: I’m alive. That’s something :)

Lexa – 10:26 am: Good.

It was strange texting Lexa. She’s deliberate with what she has to say and never exceeds more than five messages. Clarke figures she just prefers phone calls or handling things in person. They’ve been texting ever since the morning after Thanksgiving, mainly due to the fact that Lexa was checking up on her. She wasn’t the only one though. Clarke remembers faintly Octavia stopping by to help with Horus and his needs as well as her own. She was also pretty sure she had a conversation with Raven on the phone last night having something to do about stopping by Polaris Industries to check her lab or perhaps she was going on about an exploding unicorn horn. Clarke hated being sick. It messes with her mind too much and taking medication wasn’t an option since it reminded her of the anti-depressant pills she used to take. 

She grabbed the gray throw blanket that hung from the corner of her bed, wrapped it around her and made her way to the kitchen. She wiped sweat off of her brow and sighed with frustration. Another reason she hated being sick was that she didn’t know whether she was freezing or scorching hot. Horus was already on top of the fridge as Clarke entered the small kitchen and he watched her with eager eyes as she picked up his bowl and poured his food. She scratched his tiny soft head when he jumped down once his breakfast was served. She left the bowl on the counter, being far too lazy and tired to be bothered with putting it on the floor. Clarke retreated to the living room and crashed down on to the sofa. She curled up in a ball and wrapped herself more tightly when a chill encircled her body. Hugging her legs close to her torso, her eyelids began to fall. It was times like these where she really wished Finn was home.

_Finn!_

“Shit.” She hissed at herself as she threw the blanket off of her and jumped to her feet. The sudden movement made her head spin, but she ignored the dizzy feeling as she hurried over to her laptop. _How long has it been?_ Clarke typed her credentials to log in to her emails. Two to three _months?_ She saw that she had seven unread emails from Finn in her inbox and she cursed under her breath. How could she have forgotten? She read through the subject titles of each of them and only opened the ones that caught her eye. The first one was dated a few days after the gala: He asked if she enjoyed herself at the party and went on about the carrier and flight training he was doing. The second one was about a week after the first and that email was basically a repeat of the first email: He was questioning why she had not replied. The third was dated in the beginning of November: Finn seemed a little worried that he hadn’t received an email yet. He asked her about her plans for Thanksgiving and expressed his sarcastic enthusiasm about the bad ship food he’ll have to endure. Another was received on Thanksgiving, wishing he was there with her and wondering why she had yet to reply to him. 

Clarke shook her head at herself when she reached the most recent email. Finn was clearly annoyed in his online correspondence. He asked her what was so important that she couldn’t email him back? She had no excuse to give and she didn’t want to lie to him. The simple fact she just forgot to check her emails was a terrible thing and she surely wasn’t going to tell him that. Instead, she began writing her apologies, giving no reason why she’s replying so late. She continued on with stating that the gala was a blast and she mentions the woman who had invited her. She explains how Lexa was a gracious host and that they became fast friends afterwards. She closed out the email with saying that she went to her mother’s for Thanksgiving and had invited Lexa. Clarke apologized again and said her good-byes. 

Her love for Finn is fading. She feels it like she feels the weather preparing for snow. She doesn’t know how that could be when it was practically love at first sight. She met Finn Collins the night of Octavia’s twenty-fourth birthday at a karaoke bar. He was charming, kind and a terrible singer when intoxicated. She thinks that it was the goofy side of him that caught her attention. He was nothing like Bellamy, who was the brooding jock type and at the time it was certainly a breath of fresh air.

So what changed? Why did she feel like saying “yes” to Finn when he went down on one knee was a mistake? Clarke closed the laptop and held her head in her hands, closing her eyes. Nothing felt right: Her email, her bed she shared with Finn, even her own apartment (which was actually Finn’s). Come to think of it, nothing ever felt right with her domesticated life. Has she been oblivious to her subconscious? Was she just settling because her mother was so excited that Finn came into her life and she just wanted to make everyone else happy? Whatever the case was, Clarke realized that nothing was ever in its place. That is, of course, until she met Lexa. She couldn’t deny that she was drawn to the woman. Something about Lexa made sense and that scared Clarke. In a life of uncertainty, she was the one constant. Lexa has always been there in her mirror world and now the physical one. Clarke unknowingly searches for her in every crowd and wishes it was Lexa’s voice on the other end of a call. In a world in which she felt like she was floating away, Lexa was always there to keep her on the ground and that scared her.

____________________________________________________________________________

Snow fell gently outside and Clarke loved watching the splendor through the tall windows of the restoration room. December has come and the season of giving was in full force. Natalia must have been in quite the cheery mood for she let Clarke and her coworkers decorate the large round room with festive lights and even a tree. Clarke thought that the museum must have gotten that donation the hard ass woman was pinning for after all. Soon after decorating the tree, Natalia was back at it again with work assignments and deadlines. Work is work of course, but Clarke was glad to have a change of scenery. She returned to her desk and continued to work on the sculpture she was assigned. It was an odd piece of art, nothing she’s ever seen before. She picked up the softball sized sculpture and examined it. It was covered in reddish/brown rust that claimed the originally bronze metal that it was made out of. It melded in a peculiar pear shape and it appeared as though it was comprised of two people blended together. It had four legs, four arms and a head with two faces. The faces were conjoined at the back of their heads.

Clarke’s brows furrowed when she turned it over and saw the remnants of a seam. She began to work away the grime and rust as carefully as she could to prevent further damage to the piece. Once she was satisfied with the removal, she saw that the seam went all around the object, looking as if it would split the two beings in half at the back.

“What’s that you have there?”

She didn’t notice the figure watching her and turned to look at her coworker.

“Oh, uh…” Clarke turned the sculpture around, looking for an explanation to what it was. “I think it’s a pear alien.” She heard the female chuckle and watched as she walked over to Clarke’s desk. She placed her hands on the edge of the table and narrowed her eyes at the metal piece.

“It looks like it comes apart there at the seam. Are you going to try to take it apart?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Clarke closely examined the line running through the pear alien. “I don’t want to damage it.”

“Something could be inside, maybe something even more valuable than all the other works of art in this room,” the woman who was fresh out of college and Clarke couldn’t remember the name of, crossed her arms and looked over at her with excitement in her eyes. She was right. Something could very well be hidden inside the strange thing. Natalia would have her head if she missed such an important detail. She picked up a chisel like tool and began to carefully pry it open. Minutes went by and there were no signs of the seam budging. She tried almost every angle to see if she could exploit a weakness, but it was to no avail. Clarke bit at her bottom lip, now filled with curiosity and determination. She decided to try at the very top of the head and with just the slightest nudge the sculpture split in half. A small panic rushed through her, having thought she broke the damn thing. The two woman leaned in closer to see if anything was stowed away inside and disappointment covered their faces when they found it to be empty.

“Wait,” the young woman said. “I know what this is. At least I think I know what this is.” Clarke looked at her, her expression telling her to continue. “I took a class on mythology and this reminds me of what we learned about for the Greek culture.” She took the sculpture from the table and held the two pieces together. “It is said that humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Zeus, being the giant asshole that he was, was scared of the power they possessed and split them into two separate people.” Clarke watched as she pulled the piece apart, showing the two beings. “And from then on, humans were forced to spend their lives looking for their other halves. Kind of shitty, right?” She put it back on the table and began to walk away. “At least we were spared to see such monstrosities.”

Clarke looked down at the two halves. The sculpture had no artist to its name, no origin, not even a ball park time period for when it was created. It was as if the art piece always just existed. “Interesting.” She said to herself and continued her work.  
____________________________________________________________________________

She made her way to the other side of the city, the business district, after having received a message from Raven to remind her to meet her at Polaris Industries. Clarke stepped out of the cab on to the icy sidewalk in front of a twisting skyscraper. She didn’t realize she’s always seen the oddly constructed building off into the distance whenever she’d return to the city after visiting her mother. She hid a smile as she walked into the blissfully warm lobby of Polaris. Lexa was always right in front of her and she never knew. The lobby wasn’t anything she expected from a military company. She anticipated that the first impression would be drab and traditionally uniformed with mindless war mongering rhetoric displayed every which way, but instead she was faced with a modern white lobby that had several muted TVs built into the walls. Each TV displayed a different news networks and even the weather channel.

Clarke walked towards the receptionist who greeted her with a kind smile. “Good afternoon.” The receptionist leaned forward, holding her hand in front of her, “how may I assist you?”

“I’m here to see Raven Reyes.”

“Name please?”

“Clarke Griffin.” She watched the woman type her name on the keyboard of her desktop. The woman smiled and handed her a clip with a badge on it that read visitor. 

“Okay Ms. Griffin. The elevators are right behind this wall. Ms. Reyes is located on the tenth floor. The tech wing will be to the left of the elevators. Just follow the signs.”

“Thank you.” She took the badge timidly and made her way towards the elevator. Once it was called and she was inside, Clarke felt immediately anxious. She didn’t understand why Raven wanted her to make the trip clear across town to a company she has no business being in. Maybe it wasn’t the fact that she was in a building that deals in blood money. Maybe it was just the fact that Lexa was here and she instantly felt her presence when she walked into the lobby. She forced herself to breath slowly as the red numbers at the top of the elevator door counted up to ten.

The elevator dinged delightfully just as Clarke was starting to feel claustrophobic. She stepped out into the hallway slowly and looked around curiously. The floor looked completely different from what she saw on the ground floor. The walls and floors were a blueish/gray concrete that gave off a cold fortress feeling. The first thing she saw after stepping out of the lift was a sign saying “Tech Wing” with an arrow pointing left and a sign saying “Practice Range” with an arrow pointing to the right. Clarke found it strange that they’ll just leave a visitor to their own devices, especially on the tenth floor. _And why the hell does a corporate building need a practice range?_ She thought as she turned left to follow the arrow. She passed section after section with cloudy glass walls that looked as though a keycard was needed to enter and Clarke began to wonder what exactly went on on this floor. She turned the corner and saw a group of people with their backs turned towards her and when she saw a glimpse of a smiling Raven, Clarke’s pace slowed. She lingered away from the people talking to her friend and waited patiently when Raven locked eyes with her, raising a quick finger in a gesture of “hold on.” Just as Raven did so, a woman with a neat bun turned toward where she was looking and Clarke saw the expressionless face of Lexa. She saw the familiar ghost smile she trademarked before Lexa turned her attention back towards the group. It was then that Clarke examine the group: Indra Crews stood beside Lexa on her left and a bald man with a long face stood to her right. Lexa turned towards her again moments after and invited her over with a wave of her hand. Clarke was unsure if she was intruding in on an important discussion, but that magnetic feeling in her chest came back. Her feet were moving before she knew it.

“Hello Clarke.” Lexa said with a faint smile. “Keeping warm?” It was then that Clarke noticed how she was still wearing her knitted scarf and beanie and quickly removed them. Lexa then gestured towards the woman beside her, “You remember Indra, correct?”

The woman stared at Clarke with clear annoyance and shook her hand firmly. “Ms. Griffin.” She said coldly, almost hissing at her.

“And this is my uncle, Titus Woods.” Lexa then directed Clarke’s attention to the bald man with a permanent frown. “You did not have the fortune to meet each other at the gala. Titus was away on business.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” He said in a deep voice, but his eyes said otherwise. He shook her hand as firmly as Indra did. He then turned towards Lexa with seemingly dead eyes, “Lexa, we have a conference call with Luna in fifteen minutes.”

“Go on ahead.” She looked at him with the same expression he gave her. “I’ll be there shortly.” Both Indra and Titus looked at Lexa and then at each other. Titus perched his lips and gave a single nod before walking away, Indra following suit.

“Jeez.” Raven said in a half chuckle. “Is everyone here so uptight?”

“Don’t mind them,” Lexa stood up straight, holding her hands in front of her. “I hope you’re satisfied with your accommodations.” 

“Yes, of course!” Raven nearly jumped with joy, only just slightly raising to the balls of her feet. “Thank you so much Ms. Woods. I won’t disappoint you.”

A corner of Lexa’s lip tucked up. “I’m certain you won’t.” She checked her watch and sighed. “I’m sorry, duty calls.” She shook Raven’s hand. “Why don’t you show Clarke your office?” Lexa turned to her then and smiled. “Have a good evening.” Clarke returned the smile and watched Lexa walk away.

Clarke turned to Raven only to be met with narrowing dark eyes. “What?”

“It’s funny that I’ve been here for a week now and not once did I see Lexa smile.” Raven crossed her arms and leaned on her good leg. “But you show up and it’s like she’s a different person.”

“What are you trying to say?”

Raven shrugged and stood up straight. She began to turn around, “You should get a job here. Who knows? Maybe having you around could brighten up the place. Someone should fire the decorator!”

“It looks like a bunker.” Clarke looked around at the gray walls and concrete floor. She watched as Raven unlocked a cloudy glass door with her keycard.

“Because that’s exactly what it is.” The door opened inwards and Raven led her inside. Clarke looked around the large space seeing various work stations with all sorts of tools on them. “Welcome to my office.” Raven said, raising her arms and displaying a bright smile.

“All of this is _yours_?”

“Uh-huh. Lexa put me in charge of the whole tech wing. She even said I could have anyone I want. Can you believe that?”

“You’ve only been here a week and you’re basically your own boss?” Clarke couldn’t believe that it could be so easy to climb the corporate ladder.

“Yeah, something like that. I still have to report to the big honcho herself, but other than that,” Raven jumped up on one of the stations, swinging her feet. “I have free reign to do whatever I want.”

“That’s a lot of trust to put into a new employee.”

“I guess being a friend of a friend of Lexa Woods has its advantages.” Raven gave Clarke a strange, but knowing look. “But I want to believe I’m just that damn good.” 

A beep indicating that the door has been unlocked echoed in the large space and the two women looked over to see who was intruding.

“Oh, Clarke.” Octavia’s brows raised in surprise and smiled as she closed the door behind her. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s good to see you too, O.” Clarke raised an eyebrow and hugged her. Octavia’s eyes were wide and she looked as though she was going to burst with excitement and she shifted in anticipation as she looked at Clarke and Raven. 

“Well, are you going to say something or do you really just need to pee?” Raven smirked.

Octavia rolled her eyes and inhaled sharply. “I’ve just received the best news.” She paused, making Clarke and Raven look at her with wide eyed anticipation. “I’m going to be working with Luna!” When they didn’t show any sign of excitement, Octavia sighed and rolled her eyes again. “You guys! I’m going to London to work in all international affairs with Luna Waters. I got a promotion! No more being seen as just an expendable employee. No more mediocre assignments!”

“What made them give you such a great promotion?” Raven’s brows furrowed, “I mean, I’m happy for you and all, believe me.”

“I don’t really know. Indra just told me before her meeting. I basically sprinted here to tell Raven.”

Clarke saw Raven turn her head to look at her in her peripheral. She glanced at the woman still sitting on the work station and saw that her expression was curious. Clarke shifted her eyes and perched her lips. 

“Congratulations O,” even though Clarke was genuinely happy for her friend, she forced a smile. “We should celebrate.” Everything seemed bizarre and oddly normal at the same time. Like this was meant to happen. Like everything was falling into place. She didn’t know how to feel about her friends working for Lexa. Didn’t know what it meant that they landed their dream jobs. Was all of this Lexa’s doing? If so, then why is she making an effort to ensure her friend’s happiness? “My place? Before Christmas?”

“I’m game.” Raven jumped off of the table and put her hands into her pockets. “We’ll make it a girls’ night.”

“Sounds good to me.” Octavia couldn’t hide her smile.

“I’m going to invite Lexa.” Clarke didn’t register what she said until she noticed the looks her friends were giving her. Their expressions were identical: Eyebrows bent together, eyes questioning and their lips twisted in a half frown. “Well…she is my friend and I think it’ll be nice to have her over.” She watched as her friends looked at each other, silently communicating their thoughts. After a short silence, they both shrugged and accepted Clarke’s decision.  
____________________________________________________________________________

A thick blanket of snow covered the city as Clarke sat by the window with her old camera in hand. She had stumbled upon it that winter morning as she was cleaning up before the celebration that night. She was on a frenzy, taking pictures of anything and everything, turning her apartment into an impromptu photoshoot. Her frenzy ended by the window, where the wonderland outside caught her attention. The city was at its most enchanting in the winter. Most people complained about the sludge snow plows created to make the streets safe to drive and how traffic was at its worst because of it. Clarke loved it though. Loved how the white blanket covered up the torturing color of gray the city had and how the flakes drifted elegantly across her window.

She sat there in her soft sweat pants with a hot cup of tea for what only seemed to be a few minutes, but again, time got away from her. She checked her watch when a knock at the front door tore her away from the spectacle outside. Her face scrunched up for it was still too early for her friends to arrive, but nonetheless, she wasn’t the type to not answer the knocking at the door. She looked through the peep hole and smiled when she saw chestnut hair, a warm scarf wrapped around the slender neck and an unfamiliar expression across Lexa’s face. She was nervous. Clarke opened the door and, as if it was never there, all signs of nervousness disappeared when a smile crossed the visitor’s face.

“Hey,” Clarke said happily. “You’re early.” She gestured for Lexa to come in.

“I’m sorry,” her voice was unusually shaky. “I wanted to get here before your friends did.” When she walked in, it was then that Clarke notices Lexa was carrying items in both hands. In her right was a bag with a bottle of what appeared to be wine (probably just for her and her friends). In the left was a medium sized box wrapped in a matte silver paper with a red ribbon tied around it. Clarke looked up at Lexa and noticed how her green eyes were wide with what looked like uncertainty and fear. Lexa looked down at the items in her hands and seemed to look like she was struggling to get words out.

“Merry Christmas Clarke.” She slowly handed the box to Clarke. “I wasn’t sure if I was going to see you for the actual day. You don’t have to open it now.”

“You didn’t have to…” Clarke said quietly, feeling strange and wonderful at the same time.

“I know.” Lexa looked down at Horus who was weaving in and out between her legs, purring. “I wanted to.”

“I-I’m sorry,” Clarke bit her lower lip. “I didn’t get you anything.”

Lexa raised her open hand slightly and smiled, “There’s no need. The invitation is enough.” She then handed the bag with the bottle to Clarke, “This is for you and your friends.”

“I’m pretty sure they’ll be having something a little harder than wine.” Clarke chuckled and started to turn towards the kitchen. “Get comfortable while I put this in the fridge and dress decently.”

“You’re fine just the way you are, Clarke.” She heard Lexa’s voice echo from the living room when she was in the kitchen.

She scuffed, “I look like a trash bag. You don’t have to lie.”

“I will never lie to you Clarke.” That statement made her stop in her tracks. Clarke knew that. She knew that Lexa would never lie to her. She knew that she was different from anyone she has ever met before. It was strange for her to automatically trust her. She placed the bottle in the fridge and stood silently in the middle of the small kitchen, staring at the silver wrapped box in her hand. Everything seemed so normal about this. Having Lexa here for the holiday and talking about mundane subjects like appearances. 

“Is everything alright?” Clarke looked to her left and saw Lexa standing in the open archway, a worried expression across her face. “I shouldn’t have gotten you a gift, huh?”

“No, no.” Clarke shook her head and held the gift close to her chest. “I was just thinking…” She slowly walked towards Lexa, “Why does it seem like we’ve known each other longer than we actually have?”

Lexa tilted her head, curiously looking at her as Clarke stepped closer to her. She worked her jaw back and forth, her tired eyes shifted between Clarke’s. “Maybe we knew each other in a different life,” she said softly as though she didn’t want anyone else to hear. “Could be why we became fast friends.”

No. That doesn’t seem right. Aside from the fact that Clarke has seen Lexa her entire life, she’s clearly drawn to her and she could tell Lexa was feeling the same way. She knew it by the way Lexa acted with other people. She was distant with them. Closed herself off to anyone who tried to get close. Now Clarke sees how Lexa is letting down her guard, little by little, every time they were together. She understood Lexa more, but Clarke wanted more. More of what she had to offer and she wasn’t sure if she should want something like that.

They stood their silently, staring at each other. They were shorter than an arm’s length away as if they were challenging one another to speak first, to move from their statue like poses. Just then, Lexa’s eyes flickered down to Clarke’s lips and back up to her eyes. Clarke has won the battle, but the beating of her heart said otherwise. It thudded violently in her chest as she saw Lexa admit defeat by breathing in slowly. Panic surged through her when Lexa stepped closed to her, invading her space and reached up to brush a stray lock of hair away from her face. Her finger tips burned where they touched and Clarke didn’t know whether she enjoyed the burns or wanted to run away from the danger. Her eyes never faltered from Lexa’s and noticed how they expressed so much: fear, uncertainty, curiosity, admiration… _lust_. Her breath hitched in her throat when Lexa’s eyes once again dropped to her lips. It was frightening to Clarke, but in a very, _very_ good way.

_Meow._

Clarke jumped back out of Lexa’s grasp and looked down at Horus who watched them curiously at their feet. She cleared her throat and didn’t look back up at the other woman. 

“I-I’m going to freshen up before the others get here.” She said quietly and walked past Lexa. “Please make yourself at home…” Clarke walked hastily to her room and locked the door behind her. She desperately tried to calm her breathing as she leaned against the door. Once her heart settled into a normal pace and her breathing slowed, Clarke walked into the bathroom to turn on the shower. She removed her clothes and placed her hands against the sink. Closing her eyes, Clarke sighed when she felt the steam from the shower fill the bathroom. She looked up at the fogging mirror and wiped away the condensation, making droplets of watch trickle down the mirror.

“What are you doing…?” She said quietly, almost pleading with herself. She looked into her own blue eyes, silently questioning herself. A flash of green eyes made Clarke jump and blink hard. It was over in an instant, but Clarke saw it. Saw _her_. Lexa appeared only for a split second, but she saw that the chestnut haired woman was smiling.  
____________________________________________________________________________

Music filled the apartment with glee as the four women gathered around the small coffee table and partook in gorging on pizza. Raven and Octavia raced their way to the bottom of the wine bottle Lexa brought and Clarke stared at them, trying to give them subtle hints to slow down on the alcohol consumption when they brought out the hard liquor. The two celebrating women sat crisscrossed on the hardwood floors while she and Lexa sat on the sofa. Clarke was used to this behavior, but she was infused with worry for how Lexa felt about the display. She looked over at the normally stoic woman and was surprised to see her totally at ease. She sat with one leg tucked under the other, softly stroked the length of Horus’ body who was laying in her lap and had a delightful smile across her face. Clarke didn’t realize until now that she liked seeing Lexa like this, shoulders relaxed and the mask of duty properly stowed away. 

“Maybe you guys should slow down.” Clarke looked down at her friends who just knocked back their third shot. “Your boss _is_ here after all.” 

“Oh, no.” Lexa leaned forward a bit, raising her hand. “Don’t let me spoil your fun. This is a joyous occasion for you two and tonight I am not your CEO. Tonight I’m just Lexa.” The two women looked at her with wide eyes, then at each other. They smiled at each other and Octavia began to pour them another drink. 

“Well, since you said that,” Raven leaned back and removed her prosthetic leg. “That’s better,” she sighed as she rubbed her nub. “It was starting to hurt.”

 _Oh my god!_ Clarke covered her mouth, her eyes widening. _Did she just…?_ She looked over to Lexa who seemed unfazed. 

“How did you lose your leg?” Lexa looked at Raven with intrigue in her eyes. “If you don’t mind me asking.”

“I thought it would be fun to take on a shark,” Raven said with a drunken smile, still rubbing her nub. “Turns out, they’re just big teddy bears.”

Octavia let out a gleeful sound. “ _Teddy bears?_ ” She nudged her friend. “Oh, if they’re just big ol’ teddy bears, why not take on another one?”

“Hell no! I like my body the way it is,” the room soon filled with chuckling and Clarke felt warm inside when she heard Lexa’s soft laughter.

“So,” Lexa spoke after the giggles died down. “A shark attack. How did you manage to survive such an experience?”

“Well if it wasn’t for Bellamy, O’s brother, I’m pretty sure it would have been a lot worse. He was the one who quote, un-quote took on the shark. He saved my life.” Raven smiled sweetly, but her eyes grew distant. More than likely remembering the event.

“Don’t forget about Clarke’s fiancé,” Octavia said. “Finn helped Bellamy pull you out.” Clarke held her breath after hearing Octavia’s words. She saw Lexa raise her head and lean back against the sofa. She was no longer relaxed and her eyes turned cold.

“Then I shall thank them both for saving what looks to be a valuable employee and blossoming friendship.” Lexa said with a very convincing smile, but when Lexa stole a glance at Clarke, she knew that something lingered beneath the surface. Raven and Octavia continued to drink their livers out and Lexa continued to engage in conversation, but Clarke felt like she was just an observer. She watched them speak and laugh inaudibly as if she stood outside and looked into the window of this world. Most importantly, Clarke watched Lexa carefully, watched the way she had stopped petting Horus, how she kept her arms folded gently against her stomach and how her smile disguised all but what those tired eyes told. Lexa must have felt eyes on her because she turned her head to look at Clarke for a split moment. As their eyes were locked on each other, everything around them seemed to fade away. The music dulled, Raven and Octavia disappeared into thin air and it was only them on that sofa.

“Oh man,” Octavia slurred her words and Clarke looked over to her dark haired friend who was looking out the window. “It’s really coming down now. It looks like a blizzard out there.” 

“Are you going to be alright driving home?” Clarke directed her question to Lexa.

“I didn’t drive here,” she replied, getting up from the sofa to see the situation outside.

“Well, is your driver coming to get you?”

“I gave him the week off.”

“Why are you asking so many questions Clarke?” Raven said laying down on the hard floor. “We’re all staying here. That’s the point of a girls’ night. You like sleep overs, right Lexa?” Lexa was still by the window when she looked over her shoulder at the woman sprawled out on the floor and gave a small smile. 

“Speaking of sleep.” Octavia walked over to Clarke, her back slightly hunched over. “Pull out the bed Clarke. I want to lie down.”

“No way O!” Raven shot up. “You better not go to sleep. That’s a party foul.”

“I just wanna…just wanna rest my eyes,” she said once Clarke helped her open up the pull out mattress hidden underneath the sofa. She laid down and immediately fell asleep.

“Asshole.” Raven jumped up on her good leg and hobbled over to the unconscious woman. She tried to shake her awake, but must have tired herself out, for when Clarke left to retrieve blankets and pillows, Raven was fast asleep next to Octavia. Lexa walked over to help Clarke place the blankets around them and chuckled softly.

“They can’t hold their liquor, can they?”

“No,” Clarke smiled. “But they certainly do like the stuff.” After tucking her friends into bed, the two women stood up straight, allowing the familiar silence engulf them. Clarke’s eyes darted around her living room as she opened and closed her hands nervously.

“I should leave.” Lexa said quietly.

“You could stay…” Clarke looked over to Lexa who didn’t even move when she mentioned leaving. She looked around the living room and then finally back at Clarke. “You could stay in my bed. I could sleep on the floor.”

“I can’t do that to you in your own home.”

“Well, I can’t let you leave with the snow coming down like that. Trust me, the cabs on this side of town aren’t that reliable.” Clarke smiled trying to get Lexa to see it her way. 

“Then I’ll sleep on the floor,”

“Lexa.” she protested. 

“Clarke?” Lexa smiled, clearly amused with the back and forth she’s having.

“I’m trying to be a good host.”

“I’m trying to be a gracious guest.”

They stared at each other for a moment. Both smirking, both realizing neither one of them is backing down. Lexa narrowed her eyes, her smirk grew bigger and blew out an amused sigh.

“So, are we just going to stand here all night?”

“Not unless you go to sleep in my bed,” Clarke mimicked her face.

“Not going to happen.”

“Well then, here we stand.”

“Oh my God, just go to sleep already!” Octavia snarled from under the pillow she held against her face. They looked down at the woman and when they saw that she had fallen asleep again, they chuckled softly.

“This is ridiculous.” Clarke rubbed her forehead, “We’ll just share the bed.” She turned around and walked towards her bedroom without getting any confirmation from Lexa. She didn’t know why she was making it a big deal. She shared her bed with her friends all of the time. So why was she acting differently with Lexa at this point? Lexa was definitely a friend. No more being strangers, just acquaintances or just a person. Lexa was now a friend and it shouldn’t be that hard to lay next to her. Clarke stopped in her tracks. The thought of sleeping next to Lexa gave her butterflies. No. Lexa wasn’t just a friend to her. She didn’t know what she was, but a friend Lexa was not. She turned around to look at the woman standing in the middle of the living room. he looked lost, not sure if she should follow Clarke to her bedroom. “You could shower if you like. I’ll give you some extra clothes if you decide to.” Clarke watched as Lexa balled her hand into a fist over and over again as she looked towards the front door. Her expression was the same one Clarke saw earlier when Lexa arrived at her apartment. This side of her was so strange to witness. Clarke is used to seeing Lexa calm and collected. Cold and silent. But the person standing there was an anomaly and she would be lying if she said she didn’t like seeing that side of her.

Clarke watched as Lexa faced her again, relax her tense fists and give a single nod. She silently gestured her to follow as she walked into her bedroom. She heard the jingling of Horus’ collar behind them as Clarke turned on the light of the bedroom and searched for extra clothing in her drawers. Pulling open the first drawer, she clenched her jaw at the sight of Finn’s belongings.

_Think about what you’re doing. What you’re doing to him._

Clarke closed her eyes and shook her head. She grabbed one of her t-shirts and looked at Lexa who was standing by the door, her face unreadable. “Would you like shorts or some lounge pants?”

“Shorts.” Lexa said quietly and thanked her when Clarke handed her the extra clothes. 

“The bathroom is there.” Clarke pointed to the door that was ajar. “There’s towels in the closet in there. If you need anything else, just let me know.” She watched as Lexa disappeared into the bathroom and close the door behind her. She let go of a breath she didn’t know she was holding in. Clarke went back into the living room, hearing the soft breathing of her friends as she turned off the living room light and slowly walked through the darkness towards the beam of light that penetrated the shadows. With the muffled sound of rushing water filling the room, Clarke decided to change into her sleepwear, telling herself that she’ll just shower in the morning. Horus was already at his perch on the headboard when she climbed into bed and wrapped the thick covers around her.

Clarke laid on her left side, grasping the pillow under her as she stared at the closed bathroom door. An eerie image configured in her mind as she laid there. She remembered the morning Finn left and how the anticipation slowly grew as she looked at that door. She felt sad then and feels guilty now. For now, she feels the anticipation for another, anxiety and excitement brewing together in the pit of her stomach. 

Her eyelids were heavy and she tried her best to stay awake, but realized she had fallen asleep when she felt the bed dip behind her. She quickly turned and faced the intruder and her heart skipped and stomach clenched when she remembered that it was Lexa. 

“I’m sorry.” Lexa’s voice was barely a whisper and she slowly lowered herself onto the mattress. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Clarke shifted herself so she could face her. “No, it’s fine. I didn’t even realize that I fell asleep.” Silence was like a mutual friend for they welcomed it between them so comfortably. Several minutes went by as the silence and darkness blended together. Clarke thought Lexa was asleep. She laid on her back and stared at the dark nothingness of the night and closed her eyes.

“Goodnight Clarke.”

Her eyes flew open and she turned her head to the direction the voice came from. The tone of Lexa’s voice was different from what she is used to. It didn’t have a trace of the authority or harshness she used for others. It was gentle, soft and feminine. That voice filled her up, made her chest feel tight and airy at the same time. Clarke wanted to hear that voice for as long as she could. Why does this feel so wrong? Why does this feel so right?

“Goodnight Lexa.”  
____________________________________________________________________________

The numbers on her digital clock burned her eyes as she stared it down, watching how slow time is when you actually pay attention to it. Clarke has not slept for hours, afraid that if she does all of this would reveal itself to be a cruel dream. She wasn’t willing to take that risk. She flipped her body so that she was laying on her right side and squinted her eyes to make out the figure sleeping next to her. For a moment, Clarke wasn’t sure if Lexa was even there. She didn’t hear any breathing, hadn’t felt her move all night and she even contemplated that Lexa might actually be one of the living dead. She dared herself and reached out into the darkness in the direction of where Lexa should be laying. Her hand slowly rubbed against the fabric of the bedsheets as she stretched her arm further and further. The tips of her fingers pushed against soft hair and she quickly snapped her hand back. She bit her lower lip and cursed herself when she felt Lexa move. 

“Clarke?” her voice was low.

“I’m sorry,” she said nervously. “Go back to sleep.”

“I wasn’t sleeping.”

“Is something wrong?” Clarke’s eyes tried to see Lexa in the darkness of her room, but failed.

“I don’t sleep much” her voice was laced with sadness. Clarke turned over to reach for the lamp on her bedside table and turned it on. The abrupt illumination strained her eyes as she blinked rapidly to adjust to the brightness. She turned back to Lexa who was covering her eyes from the light and smiled.

“Sorry.” She said with a trace of laughter. “I like to see the person I’m talking to.” She watched as Lexa lowered her hand and looked at her with those tired green eyes. They laid there silently, stealing glances at one another, provoking the other to smile. “Thank you for coming,” Clarke finally spoke.

“Thank you for inviting me.” Lexa blinked slowly, the corners of her mouth pulling upwards.

“I hope my friends didn’t make you uncomfortable.” Clarke tucked her hand underneath her chin. Lexa let out a small chuckle, making Clarke’s heart flutter.

“You have lovely friends,” the smile Lexa gave was sweet and her eyes were sincere. “They’re good women.”

“Is that why you promoted Octavia and gave Raven a great position at your company?”

“Well…” she paused. “They’re very talented and I’m always willing to give people a chance.”

Clarke’s brows furrowed. “Octavia’s only been with your company for a few years. What made you give her such a big promotion?”

Lexa closed her eyes and her smile dropped. She breathed in sharply after seconds ticked away and looked Clarke dead in her eyes. “I know how much your friends mean to you. The way you diligently searched for Octavia at the gala. How you showed concern for Raven at Thanksgiving. I admire that trait in you. I thought it might make you happy to see your friends succeed.”

Clarke looked at her, stunned by the words that echoes against the walls. She searched those haunted eyes to find the lie that wasn’t there. Why would you want to make her happy? Granted she _is_ happy that her friends are doing what they love, but to be faced with the fact that Lexa actively pursued this for _her_ was another matter entirely. She wanted to ask her what she meant by what she said, but wasn’t quite sure if she wanted to even know. Or maybe, just perhaps, she already knew. Maybe she has always known. She’s noticed how Lexa looks at her. Noticed how soft and relaxed she gets in her presence. Noticed all the little things that hide just beneath the surface and Clarke found herself, once again, wanting to dig it out of her. Clarke felt herself shifting closer to Lexa and she didn’t even bother to stop it. She accepted the lure she felt when she was with her. No longer was she willing to fight the inevitable. Her body will always betray her. Her mind always will protest, but nothing will stop the pull she’ll always feel.

“If you want,” Clarke spoke quietly, as though she was telling a secret, “I can take you home in the morning.”

Lexa smiled, “That’s kind of you, but I’ll have another driver retrieve me.” Clarke raised an eyebrow and smirked.

“Don’t you drive? I don’t think I’ve seen you behind the wheel.”

“No…” Lexa’s voice trailed off and her eyes diverted from Clarke’s gaze. “I don’t drive.”

“So you _don’t_ drink and you _don’t_ drive.” Clarke raised herself onto one elbow and rested her head in her palm. “Do you even have a license?”

“I do know how to drive Clarke. I just choose not to.”

“I see,” she nodded. “Why drive yourself when you could just pay someone to chauffeur you around? I get it. I’d do the same thing. Traffic in this city is cra-“

“No, you don’t get it.” Lexa raised her voice, making Clarke’s eyes widen. “This is not about money Clarke. Nothing is as simple as money.” Now this was unexpected. Lexa is such a collected woman, but something that Clarke said touched a nerve with the now rigid woman. Something she said brought sadness and pain in those forest eyes and Clarke knew this is what she wanted: To dig beneath the surface.

“What is it about then, Lexa?”

Lexa didn’t look at her. She gripped the pillow underneath her head until her knuckles turned white. Clarke saw that her jaw was clenched tightly, her nostrils flared angrily and she laid back down. She placed a gentle hand on Lexa’s shoulder. 

“Hey,” she cooed. “Hey, what’s wrong? Did I say something wrong?”

Lexa closed her eyes and released a slow sigh. “I’ve inherited more than just a business from my father,” her voice was once again a whisper. “Turns out I’m my father’s daughter and even though I’ve never met him, I’ve acquired his thirst. I didn’t know how to control myself, nor did I stop once I’d had too much to drink.” She paused for what seemed like an eternity. Lexa’s eyes shifted as if she was looking for the words or perhaps the courage to go forward. “My actions ended up costing the life of someone I loved…”

Clarke’s digging hit something hard. She wanted to know more about Lexa, wanted to know what was buried there, but she didn’t expect to find a grave. She kept her hand on Lexa’s should and slowly started to caress her. She didn’t’ know if she was going to elaborate on what she meant and Clarke didn’t want to lift the casket in the grave she found. So instead, she laid there quietly watching Lexa with concerned eyes. Giving her what little comfort she could without over stepping her bounds. If Lexa wanted to explain, then she will. Clarke would not go down that route. Sometimes just being there is enough.

“We were coming home from a party Polaris was hosting.” Lexa’s voice was haunted. “I was drunk and I was driving us back to the city. Despite her best efforts, Costia couldn’t stop me from taking the keys and instead of staying at the party, she came with me. We were fighting the whole way. She begged me to pull over and let her drive. All I did was yell at her. She pleaded and pleaded, but I wouldn’t listen. I took my eyes off of the road at a time where I shouldn’t have. The road curved and I drove right off it. The car flipped and hit a tree.” Lexa bit her lip and closed her eyes, a tear glistened from the glow of the lamp behind Clarke as it trailed down Lexa’s face. “I walked away with a broken arm and a concussion. Costia did not.” Her face twisted in grief and she quickly covered her face with both hands. She sobbed quietly, her hands muffled the words that left her mouth. 

Clarke pulled her in then, without a thought about boundaries. She held her close, tucking Lexa’s head underneath her chin and started to softly stroke her head. Her heart ached for the woman she held and she had this overwhelming feeling to protect her. She didn’t want anything to harm Lexa and she’d fight tooth and nail in order to keep her from it.

“My uncle’s lawyers prevented me from going to jail. I was only sentenced to rehab, house arrest, and community service.” Lexa finally managed to speak through her sobs, though it was still broken. “I should of went to prison. I should have rotted away for killing her.”

Clarke didn’t say anything. Couldn’t say anything. Lexa has experienced tragedy after tragedy. She didn’t know how she was able to stand on two feet. What could she possibly say to her after learning about the death of her parents and lover? So Clarke resorted to silence, holding on to the weeping woman, allowing her to let out everything she kept bottled up for God knows how long. She felt slender arms wrap around her mid-section and heard the sobs dissipate. She continued to sooth Lexa by stroking her back and hair until she felt her breathing even out. Clarke leaned back slightly and looked down at the woman. She saw Lexa had actually fallen asleep. Clarke pulled her in again and allowed the tears she’d been holding back to fall. She was heartbroken for Lexa, couldn’t believe all that she’s been through. No wonder she is the way she is, death loomed around Lexa since birth. Dare she say cursed by it. Clarke held her close, daring God himself to try to take her away.  
____________________________________________________________________________

The tickling sensation on her nose ripped her away from her restless slumber. She cracked an eye open and saw that a soft tail banged against her nose rhythmically. She groaned and moved Horus’ tail away from her face and he responded with an eager meow. Clarke breathed in deeply and stretched, feeling her joints pop and muscles relax. Her eyes widened when she recalled the events of last night and jerked her head to the side only to find that the bed was empty. She reached out and found that the bed was cold.

_Did last night happen? Was it all a dream?_

She sat up and stared at her reflection in the mirror that faced her bed. She rolled her blue eyes at the tangled mess of her blonde hair. She threw the covers off of her and briskly walked to the living room to see if Octavia and Raven were still passed out on the pullout mattress. She was convinced that last night did indeed happen. That Lexa was really in her bed and she could still feel her in her arms. When she looked around her apartment, the chestnut haired woman was nowhere to be found. She let out a slow breath and allowed the feeling of emptiness fill her chest.

_Was she never here? Am I officially going crazy?_

She sat on the arm rest of the sofa which her friends rested on and looked at the closed blinds of her windows. Horus’ jingling collar filled her ears and she felt his soft fur against her ankles as he rubbed himself against her. Even in the company of her feline companion and her sleeping friends, Clarke felt alone. Her heart was heavy and missing someone’s presence. This apartment that she made a home of with Finn was no more than four walls and a roof. In fact, she realized on that bleak winter morning, that this place was never a home. She has settled with her job, with her life and with her fiancé. It became a weight on her heart that was slowly getting heavier each passing year and she has not noticed the crushing pain until she woke up alone that gray dawn.

The inception of the front door drew her out of her thoughts and demanded her attention. Her heart skipped a beat when the wrapped up slender figure of Lexa emerged from behind the door. She carried a cup holder containing four cups of coffee in one hand and a sky blue paper bag with printed snowflakes on them in the other. Lexa gave a sweet smile when she closed the door behind her as quietly as possible as she locked eyes with Clarke.

“Good morning Clarke.” She said in a hushed tone, not wanting to wake up the sleeping women. “I was wondering if you’d like to take me up on that offer I made to you about the Danish?” She smirked as she lifted up the paper bag. Clarke stood up, walked over to the woman and with a smile, took the tray of coffee from her hand.

“I’d love to.” She walked over to the wall opposite of the front door and sat on the cold floor, leaning her back against it. She smiled when Lexa followed suit after unwrapping her scarf and removing her overcoat. Some people think silence is awkward, but Clarke knew the silence resonated louder between them. In their silence, they communicated with the thoughts their eyes exposed and the words their smiles spoke. She enjoyed the tranquility of it, loved how the space between them did not need to be filled with words.

“These are really good.” Clarke quietly exclaimed, holding up the final bite of her Danish.

“I told you so.” Lexa smiled proudly.

“And the coffees not bad, though I prefer tea.”

“Is that so?” Lexa’s brow arched. “I’ll remember that next time.”

“I didn’t mean that in a bad way,” Clarke said after reading Lexa’s expression. “Thank you. Really.”

“I should be the one thanking you,” she looked at Clarke with unusually dark eyes and a sad smile. “For last night.”

“I know it must have been hard for you to relive that moment….and share it with me.” Clarke took Lexa’s hand in her own and slowly rubbed her thumb on the back of her hand. “If you need anything, anything at all…I’m here for you.” She watched as Lexa’s lips parted, more than likely shocked at her words. Her eyes shifted between her own and then dropped to her lips. Lexa cupped Clarke’s hand with the other and watched her carefully as she slowly leaned forward. Clarke’s eyes slightly widened, but she didn’t move. Didn’t protest as she looked down at Lexa’s full lips, as the gap between them slowly closed. Lexa tilted her head and just when the voice in Clarke’s head protested to stop this, she felt soft lips against her cheek.

“Thank you…” Lexa said, her breath lapping against her cheek as she slowly leaned back. The kiss burned her cheek with a sensation Clarke has never felt before. It wasn’t what she expected and it certainly wasn’t’ enough for her. She licked her lips and before she could command her body to move, a loud groan erupted from the sofa.

“Ugh, my head.” It was Octavia’s groggy voice that halted Clarke’s movement and made her move away from Lexa. “I’m never mixing wine and Vodka again.”

“Shhhhh…” Raven hushed her friend harshly and slammed the pillow against her head. “Someone tell the sun to turn itself off.” Clarke stood up quickly and didn’t look at Lexa. 

“I’m...I’m going to take a shower.” She retreated to her room, once again feeling what she felt the day before when Lexa arrived.

 _What was that?_ She thought as she looked around her room. _Was I…Was I going to…_ She stood there quietly for a moment, thinking about her actions. She heard Lexa’s voice then, offering Octavia and Raven their cups of coffee and Danish before saying goodbye. Once she heard the door open and close, she closed her eyes and released a shaky breath. Clarke opened her eyes slowly and looked directly at a box wrapped in matte silver paper and a red ribbon. She walked over to it, not remembering if she had put it there herself and held it in her hands. There was such care in the wrapping of this gift that it almost made her feel guilty as she slowly pulled the ribbon and opened up the wrapping paper. She let out a quiet gasp as her eyes teared up unexpectedly when she opened the box saw a vintage looking camera. It was at that moment that everything fell into place. Some people are scared of the fall, but sometimes falling feels a lot like flying.


	6. I Was Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were red and I was blue. When we met, we made a beautiful purple hue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay on this chapter. It turned out to be longer than anticipated but hopefully you'll understand why it took so long. This is my favorite chapter out of the whole story and maybe it'll be yours too. 
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoy.
> 
> ~Naomi

Christmas was nothing but a blur to her. It had come and gone before Clarke even knew what happened. She tried to remember the events of that day but only remembering bits and pieces. All that she could remember were the faces she saw: Abby, Marcus, Octavia and her boyfriend Lincoln, Raven and Bellamy. Everyone was there except the one that she wanted there. The only person she really wanted to spend it with was the person she was actively avoiding.

Her feelings were undeniable now. She knew exactly why everything was so strange, yet so natural with Lexa. She brought out something in Clarke that made her feel alive every time she was around her. She took her thoughts captive, evaded her emotions and rewired her code. That’s exactly the reason why Clarke needed to get away from her. She’s been ignoring texts and phone calls since the morning they sat on her living room floor. It’s been almost a week since that moment and she assumes that Lexa has gotten the message. She felt horrible for doing this, but she has a fiancé who she’ll be marrying in three months’ time. Did it even matter? She didn’t think of Finn as her fiancé anymore. He was more like a weight she held onto as she dove into the ocean and wondered why she was sinking so quickly; wondered why she was drowning. She needed to decide to either hold on to the weight or to let it go and grab the life saver to float to the surface.

Lexa was different from all of the other people in her life. She was as cold as steel. More calculated and calm than an ocean after a storm, but Clarke wasn’t fooled. There was a storm brewing inside of Lexa. One that was raw, wild, messy and Clarke wanted to get caught up in that storm. She has known the image of Lexa her entire life, but knowing the real Lexa was intoxicating. The way she moved, as if she was gliding instead of walking. How her lips would tug upwards subsequently tugging at Clarke’s heart. Lexa was like the pieces of art that came through the museum: Tarnished and ugly, but after giving it time and attention the real beauty emerged, allowing all its splendor to be shown. In a world with ugliness coinciding with beauty, Lexa was just that: The world.

Clarke’s forehead creased at the thought of what she meant when thinking about how Lexa was “The world.” Did she only mean that the world has its share of ugliness, but if you manage to see past it there’d be beauty? Or did she mean that Lexa was in fact _her_ world? No. She shouldn’t be thinking about Lexa that way. It’d be silly to think that someone could make such an impact on anyone’s life like that. Stuff like that didn’t happen in the world. Right? So why does she actively check her phone to see if Lexa has tried to contact her? She was avoiding her, that part was true, but it didn’t sway Clarke from wanting her to try.

She sat at her work station staring at her phone more intently than at the work in front of her. She sighed and shook her head at herself in frustration when she checked her phone for the hundredth time. This is what she wanted after all, right? Lexa to stop reaching out to her so she could go back to her old life, pre-Lexa? New Years was only a few days away and Clarke put her head in her hands to think about her New Year’s Resolution: First, she’s going to take up photography. Second, she’s going to buy that damn water filtration system for her sink. Finally, she’s going to forget everything about the woman named Lexa Woods.

“Ms. Griffin?” She raised her head and looked up to see a man in a dark uniform holding a bouquet of white lilies. When she just stared at him, giving no response, he spoke again. “Are you Clarke Griffin?”

“Oh, yes.” She blinked out of her daze. “How can I help you?” 

“Delivery,” he sat the vase down on the table and handed her a tablet to sign. Clarke looked at the flowers confused as she quickly scribbled her signature on the pad and handed it back to the man. She sat back in her chair, her mouth slightly agape, her brows pushing together as she took in the sight of the elegant flowers. Her eyes trailed over each pedal until they laid upon a small rectangular card. She reached and plucked it from the stick holding it. She examined the cursive handwriting.

_I’m sorry._

Her heart tightened. There was no name to indicate who sent it, but Clarke knew better. She stared at the card, allowing the guilt to seep into her skin and merge with her bones. Lexa sent her these. She sent them and she was sorry. She had no reason to be apologizing for Clarke’s selfishness and she felt the shame sink into her heart. Clarke was in the wrong here. She’s the one who, after hearing Lexa’s traumatic past, ignored her and abandoned the one person who needed a friend more than ever. She was a horrible person and Lexa was the one that was apologizing.

Clarke looked at the flowers and gently stroked a pedal between her thumb and forefinger. Lilies were her favorite and wondered how Lexa could possibly have known that small fact. Leaning back in her chair again, Clarke held the card in her right hand as she picked up her phone with her left. She played with the card as she thumbed out a message slowly.

Clarke – 11:42 am: They’re beautiful. Thank you. I’m sorry.

She sat there silently as she waited for a response. Minutes ticked by and just as Clarke was about to give up and put her phone away, it vibrated in her hand.

Lexa – 11:50 am: Don’t be.

She didn’t realize how tense she was until a weight lifted off of her chest when she finally contacted her. She sighed in relief and looked at the flowers once again. She propped her elbow on the table, rested her head in her palm and smiled. The lilies were beautiful and she wondered if Lexa knew what the flowers meant. Clarke’s smile began to disappear when she thought about it and she felt her heart beat faster. 

_I dare you to love me_ , she thought and knew that she might possibly take her up on that dare.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

Gun shots muffled against the oversized headphones as she aimed down the barrel of the hand gun to take her shot. The recoil jerked her back a bit, but she was getting used to the feeling of firing a gun. She looked down range and frowned when she saw the bullet hole to the left of the silhouette’s head.

“You shouldn’t try to shoot the head.” Octavia shouted from behind her. “It’s too small of a target for a beginner. Take body shots.” She came up behind her and helped her aim. “Aim for center mass and you’re bound to hit something.”

“Don’t be too hard on her O,” a deep voice came from the other side of her and Clarke looked over her right shoulder to see Bellamy peeking from behind the barrier that separated them. “When is she ever going to need to shoot a gun?”

“Yeah, it’s not like the zombie apocalypse is upon us and learning how to shoot is a required skill.” Raven said as she appeared from behind Bellamy.

“It doesn’t hurt to learn,” Octavia scuffed making her brother and Raven smirk. They were all out at the gun range to release any built-up stress. Octavia and Bellamy thought it would be a great idea to shoot things while Raven and Clarke just wanted a few glasses of wine. That was how the Blake’s were though: forceful and handled everything slightly aggressively. They were all trying to spend as much time as possible together before the Blake siblings went overseas. Clarke doesn’t mind shooting off a couple of rounds though. It was the only time she actually felt in control ever since meeting Lexa. Her body didn’t betray her there, didn’t move at will like it had a mind of its own. Her mind was more at ease with calculating the trajectory of the bullet than thinking of the green-eyed woman. She controlled when the trigger would be pulled and she felt alive when the gun goes off. The feeling of the sudden jerk in her arm rippling through her entire body.

The group went to a restaurant a couple of blocks down from the shooting range after they had their fill of gun powder and critiquing one another. The restaurant was lively even though it was the middle of the week and they were seated at a booth after waiting a short while. Clarke and Octavia took one side, while Bellamy and Raven took sat across from them. She smiled when she saw how her two friends were acting towards each other. It was more than obvious to them that they were finally together with Bellamy slinging an arm over Raven when she leaned against him, even though they’d never admit it.

“Hey, so are you guys going to the party?” Raven’s eyes widened with excitement. 

“Yeah, of course.” Octavia sipped at her drink once their server brought them to the table. “Are you bringing Bell?”

“Are you kidding?” Raven looked at Bellamy and nudged, “I think I could find a better date than this guy.”

“Oh har-har.” Bellamy smirked. “Yeah, why don’t you bring that guy you just hired? What’s his name again? Willis? Wilks?”

“Oh god no!” Raven rolled her eyes and her expression was that of annoyance. “Wick. The man’s annoying. He’s smart sometimes, but mainly annoying. You’ll do Bellboy.” Clarke seemed out of the loop with the conversation her friends were having.

“Wait, what party are you guys talking about?” She leaned forward, resting her chin in her hand.

“You of all people should know.” Octavia’s tone was slightly annoyed and it confused Clarke. “Lexa’s New Year’s party. She sent out the invitations a couple of days ago.”

“Oh.” Clarke sat up straight at the mention of Lexa. “I haven’t checked my mail lately.”

“Yeah. You’ve been doing that a lot lately.” Raven looked at her seriously. The atmosphere between the friends immediately shifted and Clarke watched how their eyes avoided her own.

“What’s going on?” She looked at each of them in bewilderment. “What are you talking about Rae?”

“Finn emailed us,” Octavia said when Raven remained silent. “He told us that he’s worried about you. That you haven’t been responding to his emails.”

“I have.” That wasn’t a lie. Clarke has been replying to him, it was just a matter of when.

“He said he’s only received two emails in the four months he’s been away.” Octavia sat back and crossed her arms. Clarke was puzzled with her actions knowing that Octavia never really liked Finn. She only really tolerated him for Clarke’s sake.

“Is everything okay between you two?” Raven leaned forward, her expression sincere with concern. When it came to Raven, she was ecstatic when Finn proposed. Aside from Clarke and Octavia, he was another one of her best friends. They trained together in basic, miraculously got assigned to the same carrier and when Raven became the mechanic for Finn’s jet, it was no wonder they became best friends.

“Yeah. Of course,” that was a lie. How was she going to tell her friends that she didn’t want to marry Finn anymore? To tell them that she was playing pretend like she was doing now? That she might even love another?

“Are you sure? You stopped with the wedding planning. You haven’t even spoken about Finn in a while.” Raven reached out and took Clarke’s hand in her own. “You can talk to us.”

“It’s Lexa.” Octavia interjected, giving Clarke a knowing look. “Isn’t it?” Clarke stared right back at Octavia, trying to understand what she meant; to understand what exactly does she know. After a few seconds of silence, Octavia pressed her lips together, nodded slowly and turned her head to face her brother who sat across from her. Bellamy clearly didn’t understand what was happening by the look on his face and the way his eyes shifted between the women. 

Raven shook her head after reading Octavia’s expression. “Whatever the case is, you need to talk to Finn. Things will only get worse if you prolong it.”

Her friends knew. They knew what it meant having Lexa in her life. They didn’t need to explain how they knew or what they even knew to Clarke. The fact that they know anything at all made her stomach turn. They were right though. Clarke needed to talk to Finn, but him being away made the situation more difficult. She didn’t want to send him a damaging message while he’s out there risking his life, but she couldn’t very well keep up this act of leading him on. Finn loves her, she knows this and she needs to at least have the decency to tell him the truth.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

The following morning wasn’t forgiving to Clarke’s emotions or the raging headache from her hangover. She regretted her decision to down drink after drink with her friends after eating. Each cup of alcohol represented something different in her life: Finn, her friends, her engagement, her life and Lexa. She drank them down with forceful glee and ignored the burning of her throat as her thoughts slithered down and made her stomach feel cozy. She doesn’t even remember how she got home last night and she thought that maybe having a “Bottoms-Up” mentality wasn’t such a good idea when she had work in the morning.

She informed Natalia that she wasn’t going to be making it in today after crawling out of her bed to look for her phone. Each step she took was like stepping on needles that jolted up from her feet all the way to her head and it was excruciating. Each little murmur from Horus was like a siren. The muffled honks and sounds of the city seemed like atomic bombs exploding in her delicate ears. The little light that dimly lit her apartment in a gray hue was for too much for Clarke’s sensitive eyes, that she reluctantly walked around her apartment with sunglasses on. 

She made sure that Horus’ needs were well taken care of before she retreated to her bathroom to rid the odor of cigarettes and sweat that consumed her hair. She left the door open and the lights off as she waited patiently for the water to heat up. She didn’t bother to even look at herself in the mirror, didn’t need the confirmation that she looked like a complete and utter mess. Didn’t want to feel that sinking feeling of the absence of Lexa’s image. She sat there quietly in the dark bathroom, demanding that her thoughts don’t turn dark as well. She sighed blissfully as she sat down on the shower floor and felt the near searing water running down her head and back. Clarke held her knees close to her chest and rested her chin on one of them as she tried to remember last night. It was Bellamy who steered the conversation away from Clarke and Finn, suggesting that the group should let loose. He probably was the one that made sure everyone got home safe because she couldn’t recall him having a single drink. She was thankful that he was there to alleviate the tense air around her and her friends. He stopped the night from becoming a complete interrogation of Clarke’s life.

She hugged herself tightly and wished the nauseous feeling developing in her throat would ease, wished that her head would finally throw in the towel…wished that Lexa was there for her at that very moment. She longed for those tired eyes to tell her all the secrets of her soul. Wanted to see that faint smile Lexa reserved just for her. Wanted to always see that happiness manifesting across her beautiful face. Clarke felt her shoulders relax and her headache dull to a light thudding. The thought of Lexa felt like a drug and she was quickly becoming addicted to the medication. It wasn’t until then that she realized she wanted Lexa around, needed her around in order for her to feel sane, to feel whole and safe. 

Clarke quickly washed up, wrapped a towel around her and searched through her contact list in her phone. She pressed it against her ear and waited patiently on her bed as the ringing reverberated loudly in her left ear. With each ring her heart jumped and raced faster. The anticipation of hearing Lexa’s voice to come through the other end was nerve racking and she began to think that she wouldn't answer. She looked over her shoulder to look at the time and thought that maybe she was in a meeting. Clarke perched her lips and just as she moved the phone away from her ear, a faint voice came through the receiver. 

“H-hello?” Clarke jammed the cell phone against her ear.

“Hello Clarke.”

“Hey Lexa,” the sound of her voice made Clarke smile. “I’m not bothering you, am I?”

“No, of course not.” She could tell by Lexa’s voice that she was smiling. “How are you?”

“I’ve been better.” Clarke touched her forehead where she still felt the pounding. “I-I was wondering if you’d like to meet up later? Whenever you’re free?”

“We could meet up now. If that’s okay with you?”

Her eye brows raised in surprise, “Are you sure? You’re not busy with work?”

“I’m never too busy for…” Lexa’s voice tailed off and there was a slight pause before she began again, “for my friends. Where would you like to meet?”

“There’s a park a few blocks from the coffee shop you like to go to. Do you want to meet me there in about an hour or so?”

“I’ll see you then.”

Clarke couldn’t remove the smile off of her face after her phone call with Lexa. She hurried to get ready, making sure that no hair was out of place, that her make-up covered up the evidence of a long sleepless night. After wrapping herself in a thick coat, knitted scarf and beanie, Clarke checked the time and saw that it was still early to leave for the park. She decided to take the camera Lexa gave her as an early Christmas gift and take some shots of the snow covered park as she waited for Lexa. She turned toward Horus who was still sleeping, apparently unfazed by the fact that she was leaving and walked over to him. She cupped his furry head in both hands and kissed him gently in which he replied by rubbing his head against hers. 

Her heart beat increased with each step she took when she left her apartment. The sounds of the city still irritated her ears and even though the sun was blocked out by the gray sky, Clarke still wore her sunglasses to protect her eyes. She brushed past the man and his fluffy white dog, past the old speed walking couple on the snow soaked pavement, inhaling the smells from the coffee shop as she made a bee line towards the park. Steam rose from the grates on the sidewalk as she looked both ways before crossing the narrow street and it made her wonder what exactly was down there to be warmer than the surface. She finally reached the snowy landscape of the park and tried to control her racing pulse. She walked slowly on the shoveled pathway, observing the other people who walked around enjoying the winter wonderland. They all looked so happy and she wanted to know the secret to their happiness. She took her new camera out of her bag and started to play around with it. Even though the camera looked like it time traveled here from the 1970s, it was very modern with a display screen and seven different shooting modes. After messing around with the settings, Clarke set out on a journey to photograph anything and everything that caught her eye.

From a snow covered lamp post, to a couple holding hands walking down a path, Clarke lost her self behind the lens of the camera. She had forgotten how much she loved just taking pictures of anything she found to be unique. She remembered what her father told her when he gave her her first camera: _Every picture you take has a story behind it. It’s up to you to tell that story_. She didn’t really quite know what he meant by that as she took a photo of an acorn in the snow, but she went with it.

In her story telling adventure, Clarke came across the main attraction of the metropolitan park: The lake. All year round the city held all sorts of activities there. In the spring time there was paddle-boating and in the summer they allowed fishing. In the autumn people would enjoy the cooler weather and the changing of the leaves while having picnics. Now in the dead of winter, the lake would freeze over completely and it was prime ice skating time. Clarke leaned against a tree and smiled as she watched people glide effortlessly on the icy surface. There were couples, families and the hand full of people who showed off their skills. She casually pointed her camera and began writing their stories.

“There you are,” a cheery voice came from her right and she looked over at the woman who approached her. She was wearing a deep red overcoat, a dark scarf which her long wild hair cascaded over and dark pants. Clarke pushed herself off of the tree as Lexa approached with a white smile and two take away cups in her hands. “I’ve been looking all over for you. I sent you a message asking where you were.”

“I’m sorry,” Clarke dug into her bag and pulled out her phone to see that Lexa did indeed try to reach out to her. “I just got carried away with the camera.”

“So you like it?” Lexa’s eyes sparkled with delight as she handed Clarke a cup.

“I love it,” she looked down at the warm cup and read the handwritten word saying tea. “I don’t know how to thank you.”

Lexa’s lips tugged upwards in another smile and she shook her head. “I’m just glad you like it.” She paused and slightly tilted her head. “Too bright out here for you?” Clarke’s brows bent closer together in reaction to her words until she realized she was still wearing sunglasses. 

“Oh!” She giggled, reaching up to pinch the corner of the frames. “I have a slight hangover.” She took a sip of her tea and watched as Lexa’s expression changed slightly.

“Long night?”

“The longest.” She sighed as she removed her sunglasses, squinting a little until her eyes adjusted to the light, and took another sip. “Would you like to sit down somewhere?” When Lexa gave a silent nod. She led them up the hill that over looked the lake and to one of the many black benches lining a trail. They sat quietly as they drank their hot beverages and Clarke couldn’t help but notice that it wasn’t the tea that was making her feel warm. Lexa’s presence was all she needed to protect her from the winter winds. She looked over to the woman and noticed her concerned expression. Without thinking, Clarke placed a hand on Lexa’s knee and leaned in slightly.

“Hey…” She paused when Lexa locked eyes with her, “I’m sorry for not speaking to you for a while.”

Lexa closed her eyes, gave a small smile and shook her head slowly. “You don’t need to apologize. I understand why you did it.”

Clarke shook her head. “No. You shared something personal with me and I avoided you afterwards. I’ve been a terrible friend to you.” She watched as Lexa’s eyes became gentle and sincere. She reached out and placed her hand over Clarke’s.

“It doesn’t matter now.” She said with a sweet smile. “We’re here now. Don’t let it bother you anymore.” Clarke’s eyes dropped down to their hands resting on Lexa’s leg. Her hand was warm and soft against her own. She allowed that warm feeling fill her chest.

“It won’t happen again.” Clarke looked at Lexa, “I promise.” She leaned in closer to Lexa and lightly kissed her cheek. She slowly sat back, carefully watching Lexa’s face as her cheeks became rosy. Their faces were just mere inches apart and they looked at each other with yearning, their eyes shifting between one another. Clarke took note on how many times Lexa’s eyes dropped to her lips and she allowed herself the same liberty. She bit her lip softly as she looked at her lush pink lips and began to wonder how long it had been since those lips had touched another’s. The thought of Lexa kissing someone sent a pang through her heart. She didn’t want to imagine it, didn’t want to fathom the idea that Lexa would have someone else in her life. 

_You need to talk to Finn._

Raven’s words bounced around in her head and Clarke breathed in deeply, taking in Lexa’s perfume unexpectedly. She was right. She needed to talk to Finn before anything got out of hand. What she was doing wasn’t fair for anyone and if she continues down this path, it’ll destroy them. She leaned back against the bench and slid her hand away from Lexa. Clarke gulped down her cooling tea and observed as Lexa’s eyes dropped. Her expression was dejected. 

“Thank you for the flowers.” She smiled. “How did you know that lilies were my favorite?”

Lexa's mouth twisted in a shy grin. “I might have asked Raven for that information.” She looked down at her hands. “I hope that's okay.”

“Oh no. I was just surprised. That's all.” She was indeed surprised. She wondered how Raven acted when her CEO asked her what her best friend’s favorite flower was. Clarke also thought about the night before; how Raven didn't mention anything to her and how she knew more that Clarke anticipated. It was something she'll have to speak to Raven about later.

“When do you need to go back to work?” Clarke said as she swallowed the last of her tea, not allowing the silence to evolve between them.

“I took the day off,” Lexa said quietly nursing her own cup, looking down at the lake.

“Can you do that?” She tilted her head slightly.

Lexa looked over at her with an amused smirk, “I’m the boss, Clarke. I can do whatever I want.” Clarke chuckled at the statement, but did not ignore the electricity that shot through her. Lexa’s remark was so brazen and authoritative that it made Clarke conscious of the tingling between her thighs. Her eyes widened moderately and she stood up. 

“Are you done with your coffee?” She stuttered, completely flustered with her body’s reaction. Lexa looked over Clarke, scanning her body language briefly before giving another amused smirk. She handed her the cup and as Clarke turned to dispose of the cup, she noticed how the gray skies began to open up. Once she threw them away in the bin, Clarke reached up to place her sunglasses back on the bridge of her nose, but when she turned around to walk back to the bench, she stopped in her tracks at the sight of Lexa. She sat with her legs crossed and her hands folded in her lap. She looked straight ahead, her eyes fairly narrow and her lips were pressed together. Sun rays broke through the dull skies and skinny beams of light spilled through the trees behind her and onto her hair making it glow in an almost golden hue. The wind blew gently against the back of her head, making those wild locks flow delicately. Clarke was struck by how beautiful Lexa looked and she wanted to save this moment. She raised her camera, focused the frame and took the shot.

“Beautiful…” she whispered to herself mesmerized by the sight. As she was about to take another, Lexa turned and looked at her. Instead of a weirded out look Clarke expected to receive, Lexa just brushed her hair out of her face and smiled. She felt her face get red and she smiled back as she raised the camera once again to get that candid shot. Lexa stood up and walked over to Clarke, hands in her coat pockets and a smile still on her face.

“Let’s go get something to eat,” she said. Clarke put the camera away in her bag and realized that she no longer felt the sickness of the hangover she had earlier that morning. She checked her watch and saw that it was ten past one. Time was at it again. She looked back up at Lexa’s smiling face and nodded. 

“Lead the way.” Like she’s been doing for years, Clarke linked her arm with Lexa as they walked out of the park with smiles on their faces and butterflies in her stomach.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“So, what did you do for Christmas?” Clarke placed her folded arms on the table and leaned in closer to the woman sitting across from her.

“I went to London for a couple of days.” Clarke noticed that Lexa’s posture was relaxed. She was leaned back against her chair, her smile subtle but sweet, and her shoulders were no longer poised and stiff. Clarke loved seeing her like this, like she wasn’t the head of a big corporation where duty regulates her well-being. They sat by a large window in a small café just a few blocks from the park. It was fairly busy with guests enjoying their brunch or customers waiting in line to pick up their order. The café had a high ceiling, dark hardwood floors and was primarily lit by its tall, floor to ceiling windows. Clarke questioned herself as to why she’s never been here like she’s never been to the coffee shop. It was like she was in her own bubble when she moved in with Finn a year ago. She was too busy with planning her future that she wasn’t living.

“London?” She raised one brow, “why there?”

“I had some business to take care of.”

“When did you get back?”

“Yesterday actually.” Lexa reached for her glass of water and took a sip, her eyes fixed on Clarke’s. “Since we are on the subject of work,” she leaned back in her chair again, “why art restoration? I’ve always wondered why you don’t paint and sell your own art. Or become a photographer. I could tell you have a passion for it and you’re very good.”

Clarke looked at the window and observed the world outside. No one has really asked her why she chose to restore old art rather than make new ones. It was hard to answer such an easy question; it was like someone asking her why did she choose to sign her name in black ink instead of blue.

“I guess it satisfies me when I bring back a piece of art’s beauty. Some people discard something that has rotted away, not thinking twice about the potential it could have.” She wasn’t lying. She did like her job but now, more than ever, she felt like she was stuck. She looked back at Lexa, leaned back in her chair and shrugged. “Plus I don’t think that my drawings or the photos I take are worth anyone’s time, let alone their money.” She watched as Lexa’s smile disappeared and her eyes dropped to her hands in her lap. She tilted her body forward slightly then looked Clarke in the eye, her expression serious.

“I agree that what you do is beautiful. Restoring art and revealing the beauty within is a wonderful thing.” She paused and took a deep breath. “I just wish that you’d see _your_ potential and the beauty _you_ have to offer the world.” She leaned back again, “you have a lot of talent Clarke. I’d hate to see that go to waste.”

Clarke stared at Lexa, not really sure where that came from. Her words echoed those of her father’s and it pained her to think that she wasn’t following Jake’s last wishes.

 _Follow your heart kiddo_ She heard his voice as clear as day. _Don’t conform to this world._

“You shouldn’t _just_ be satisfied with what you do,” Lexa said after their food was finally served. “Or who you’re with.” Her voice trailed off and she looked as if those final words weren’t meant to leave her lips. She cleared her throat as she sat up straight and placed a napkin in her lap. “What I mean is you should love what you do.”

“Do you?” Clarke looked at her curiously. Lexa stared back, her mouth slightly agape. She could see all the emotions going through those green eyes and knew she asked the right question.

“I do what is expected of me.” Lexa said in a low and stern voice and her lips moved as if to prevent it from saying anything further.

“That’s not what I asked.” Clarke stared back, giving the same tone, “do you love what you do?” Lexa looked around the café as if to make sure no one was listening to their conversation. She then proceeded to pick up a fork, stab a piece of fruit from her plate and place it in her mouth. “I’ll take that as a no.” Clarke said as she watched Lexa’s jaw work. She began to dig into her own food, greeting the silence between them, when she heard Lexa clear her throat.

“I wanted to be a veterinarian.”

Clarke shot a glance up at Lexa whose attention was now occupied by the people walking outside. She wasn’t sure if she had said anything or she just heard a voice in her head until she saw Lexa slowly shake her head.

“Well, why don't you become one?” Clarke watched her closely. “I mean it’s not like you’re too old.” Lexa scoffed and focused her attention on her food, continuing to shake her head. Clarke frowned at her, “What?” 

“You speak of things as if they were that simple.” Lexa had an amused smirk across her face. “I can’t just leave the company my family built from the ground up. I have responsibilities Clarke. I have people who depend on me, who look to me for leadership. I can’t just leave to take care of sick animals.” She ate another piece of fruit and swallowed hard, “it’s not that simple.”

Clarke looked down at her plate. She didn’t mean to offend her. That was the last thing she wanted to do, but it made her wonder why Lexa was so defensive of a job she didn’t even like. She was intimidated to even ask further questions for she didn’t want to upset her any further, but she was hard headed and always followed her emotions.

“You lecture me for not doing what I love when you can’t even say that you don’t.” She abandoned her food and looked at Lexa’s expressionless face. “You tell me to show the world what I have to offer, but you can’t fathom the idea of doing so with your _own_ life.” She reached over and took Lexa’s free hand in her own, sliding her thumb across her knuckles, “You want me to be my best self, well I want the same for you.”

Lexa looked up at her with big eyes and parted lips. Clarke saw her visibly relax at her touch and was thankful that she didn’t push her away. Her sad eyes grew gentle and the corner of her lips tugged upwards. She didn’t need to say anything to Clarke for she could see it all in Lexa’s eyes. Admiration, appreciation, gratitude and something else. Something deeper, something unrecognizable in those tired emerald eyes. It was then that Clarke knew that they had both accepted the dare.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

The sky was a dark grey as the sun said goodnight to the city and the air became frosty. She walked along side Lexa quietly on the sidewalk, armed looped together, enjoying each other’s company. A smile stretched across her face when she thought about how they were kicked out of the café because they were closing. Though they may have some differences, it was easy to talk to Lexa. Clarke was even surprised that Lexa made a joke at her expense. Saying that when she saw her earlier that day, she thought that she might possibly be a vampire from one of the new TV shows. What made Clarke laugh was imagining Lexa actually sitting down and watching shows made for teenagers.

“It’s a guilty pleasure,” Lexa said with a smirk. “I’m not apologizing for it.”

“I’m not here to shame you for what you like.” Clarke couldn’t hold in her giggles and Lexa nudged her playfully. Their laughter dissipated like the vapor that escaped their mouths and their walk was once again silent. Clarke couldn’t recall the last time she felt this free and comfortable with anyone before. Getting to know the sweet, kind and caring side of Lexa has been such a joy for her on many levels; knowing that she doesn’t really show anyone this side of her. The side that’s not stand-offish and guarded. Her walls were down when she was with Clarke and she loved seeing the many layers that made Lexa _Lexa._

They walked down the sidewalk towards Clarke’s apartment building as the weather and sun went down significantly. She shivered and held onto Lexa’s arm more tightly, trying to preserve her warmth as much as possible, but her fingers felt like they were on the verge of becoming frost bitten. Lexa’s hands were already safely tucked away in her overcoat and Clarke confidently slid her freezing hand in the woman’s pocket. She felt Lexa stiffen momentarily and she looked up at her to examine her expression. When she saw that nothing had changed in that chiseled face, Clarke took it a step forward and laced her fingers with Lexa’s. 

“Is this okay?” Clarke said quietly when Lexa looked at her curiously. When she gave her a timid smile and nod, Clarke softly squeezed Lexa’s hand and cuddled closer to her. She couldn’t hold back her smile. Her heart wouldn’t slow down and she welcomed the feeling of safety and happiness that sunk deep into her skin. Her hand was so warm and soft. The feeling of Lexa’s thumb caressing her knuckles vibrated through her and that feeling she had in the park emerged once again. She held her breath when Lexa squeezed her hand right back. It was a simple gesture, but it spoke volumes to Clarke. It told her that Lexa was indeed real and perhaps Lexa was trying to make sure Clarke was real; that what was happening that early evening was reality. When they finally reached her apartment building, they let go of each other’s hands reluctantly and faced one another. 

“Thank you for spending the day with me.” Clarke smiled up at Lexa, “I know you probably had better things to do.”

“Not exactly,” Lexa shrugged. “You saved me from a day of mundane meetings, so thank _you_ for that.” They looked at each other with anticipation in their eyes and Clarke bit her tongue to ease the uncontrollable feeling that was brewing deep inside her.

“Do you want to come up?” She motioned to the entrance of the apartment building and watched carefully as Lexa followed the direction of her gesture. Lexa looked down and took a deep breath. 

“I think I’m going to go home now.” She looked nervous and unsure about her decision. “Thank you though for a wonderful day.” Lexa leaned in and kissed Clarke’s cheek softly. “Have a good night Clarke.” The kiss burned her cheek and burned a hole into her heart. That craving she’s unknowingly been ignoring rose up in her chest with such ferocity that it threatened to end her existence. She closed her fists over and over again. As Lexa turns to leave, Clarke stops her with a hand on her wrist. 

_Don’t do it._ She thought as Lexa slowly turned around to face her again. 

_This will destroy you._

The street lights illuminated their faces and the light penetrated Lexa’s iris making it look hauntingly pale green. Her eyes were wide as they shifted between Clarke’s and down to her lips. 

_If you do this, there’s no going back._

She stepped into Lexa’s space and carefully observed her expression to see if there was any rejection, any resistance, but found none. She held onto Lexa’s wrist with her right hand and with her other she gently placed it on her cheek. The woman’s lips part as if she was getting ready to protest, but Clarke closed the gap between them before she could utter a single syllable. 

The kiss was slow, uncertain and timid, but Clarke felt everything in her body come alive. It was as if her soul itself was hibernating in a never-ending winter and it wasn’t until their lips met that the sun finally peaked out to destroy the barren wasteland. She feels Lexa slowly break free from her grasp on her wrist and places her hands on Clarke’s waist, returning the kiss. Lexa trembled under Clarke’s finger tips, making her aware of her own quaking body, but she didn’t feel the nip in the air any longer. Her body was waking up to Lexa’s soft lips, to her touch as if saying “you finally found me.” They slowly parted, still clinging on to each other and Clarke kept her eyes closed as she sighed slowly. 

“Come up.” She heard herself whisper the words, not asking her but telling her. She felt Lexa nod against her head and she opened her eyes to look at the woman she held. Lexa still had her eyes closed and her hands on her waist. Clarke smiled as she softly stroked her cheeks with her thumbs and pressed her lips softly against Lexa’s before breaking free from her hold. She took the woman’s hand and lead them inside the apartment building, noting that she was still shaking. She called for the elevator and stood silently next to Lexa, not allowing herself to look away from those high cheek bones and sharp jaw. She saw that she was tense, her jaw working relentlessly and laced her fingers once again with Lexa’s, brushing her lips softly against her knuckles. Lexa breathed in deeply and looked over at Clarke. Her eyes were glossy and silently asked her questions that she didn’t know the answer to. Instead, Clarke just nodded as the elevator dinged, the doors slid open and they both stepped in. They stood on opposite sides of the elevator, watching each other silently as the dings erupted in the metal box. Clarke leaned back against the wall, looking into Lexa’s abnormally dark eyes and watched as she slowly walked closer to her. She looked at her dangerously, which made her spine tingle in excitement and placed her hand on Clarke’s neck. Lexa leaned in slowly and hesitated, those green eyes looking into her own with wild intensity. A nod from Clarke was all she needed before she filled in the space between them and kissed her. 

Clarke grabbed at Lexa’s coat, pulling her in fully, and tilted her head to make the kiss that much deeper. There was nothing soft and uniform about that kiss. It was hard, wild and messy. It was nothing like the one they shared just outside. It was hurried and desperate as they pulled at each other’s clothes, not wanting to leave any breathing room between them. When Clarke felt the tip of Lexa’s tongue teasing her lips, she opened her mouth, inviting her in with her own. Lexa grabbed at her hips, pulling her closer to her own as she took her invitation hungrily. A low moan emerged from Clarke’s throat as their tongues danced and teased each other in her mouth. She grabbed a fist full of brown hair, not wanting to let Lexa go. 

The elevator dinged moments later and it made both of them jump. They stood there, gasping for air, staring at each other. They smiled and giggled quietly when the elevator door began to close on them and Lexa quickly prevented it from doing so. Hand in hand, Clarke lead Lexa down the hallway and to her apartment door. Her brows bent closer together when she opened the door and saw that her lights were on. She knew that she didn’t turn on the lights this morning due to her hangover, so she couldn’t have forgotten to turn them off. She noticed that Horus was resting on the sofa instead of his usual spot in her bedroom whenever she’d go out and her heart immediately dropped when realization kicked in. 

“Clarke?” A man’s voice chimed from her bedroom and sheer panic shot through her like a bullet. Her eyes widened when the man behind the voice emerged from the bedroom and smiled at her. 

“Finn…” Clarke’ said breathless, commanding her lungs to take in air and her heart to slow down. She looked over her shoulder at Lexa who stood in the doorway motionless, her expression blank, but her eyes were a dangerous color of green fire. She looked back at Finn and noticed him eyeing the woman behind her with moderately narrow eyes. “What are you doing home?” 

“I was worried about you.” He walked over to her and rubbed her arms in a loving gesture. “You weren’t responding to my emails like before, O and Raven were saying that you were acting differently. So, I put in for an emergency leave and was on the next helo out.” He looked over at Lexa and gave her an unusual smile. “Who’s your friend?” 

“Oh,” Clarke blinked rapidly and side stepped out of Finn’s grasp. “Th-this is Lexa. The one I told you about, remember? The gala? 

“Right,” he didn’t look away from Lexa and held out his hand to greet her. “Finn Collins. I’m Clarke’s fiancé.” 

“Lexa Woods.” She took his hand and shook it once, her tone cold and low. 

Finn’s brows raised briefly and he chuckled slightly, “strong grip.” 

Clarke could hear the beating of her heart in her ears as the three of them stood there silently glancing at one another. She tried not to look at Lexa, tried not to see how much her body language had changed towards her and the man standing beside her. This moment was surreal to her as she had an out of body experience. She saw herself looking deathly pale and affright standing next to the tall man with boyish dark hair and the woman whose eyes threatened to set everything ablaze. She saw the silent plea in her own eyes as she dared to look at Lexa and wasn’t quite sure what she was trying to tell her. Was she telling her that she was sorry? That she didn’t’ mean to drag her into this awkward situation? That she messed up and that she’s in the most frightening situation ever in her life? She felt herself reach out to her or rather she felt her being doing so. Clarke was reaching for the woman, emotionally reaching and was met with the steel walls of Lexa’s structure. 

“Well,” Lexa raised her chin, “I don’t want to take up any more of your time.” She gave a convincing smirk. “It was a pleasure to finally meet you Finn.” She shook his hand again and looked over at Clarke. “Have a good night.” She then turned and walked away without another word. Clarke was frozen in place, staring unblinking at the spot where Lexa stood as Finn walked over to close the door. 

“She’s intense,” he huffed when he turned to face her. “How are you friends with her? She’s not really the type of person you usually hang out with.” 

“She’s just like that with people she doesn’t know.” 

“I don’t think I would _want_ to get to know her.” Finn scoffed, “you saw the way she looked at me?” All Clarke could do was shake her head and walk over to Horus on the sofa. He softly meowed at her presence when she sat down beside him and quietly began to scratch his soft head. Finn was saying something to her, but it was too muffled to make anything out. The only thing she could think about was those lush lips that she could still feel on her own; her hand on her neck that marked her on a deeper scale. The way she was willing to give up everything: mentally, emotionally, and physically just moments before she opened the door. Clarke sat there looking into the icy eyes of Horus and knew that what happened and what will happen next would determine the rest of her life, but one thing kept repeating over and over in her head: 

_You fucked up._

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

The sound of the shower running wakes her from her heavy sleep and she feels a strange sense of déjà vu wrap around her. Clarke laid on her back and felt that her thighs were uncomfortably sore. When she removed her heavy covers she saw that she was bare from the waist down. She couldn’t recall what happened last night after Lexa left, but that familiar pounding in her head gave her all the answers. She forced her achy body to get out of the bed, put on her underwear and answer her dry mouth with much needed hydration. Her steps were slow and deliberate, trying not to move that much to prevent more irritation in and between her thighs. She heard Horus’ collar behind her as she reached the kitchen and saw a once full bottle of vodka more than half way gone. Clarke leaned against the counter with her elbow and rested her forehead in her palm. She cursed herself for doing what she did: drink until everything was numb. She guessed that Finn did the same and one thing led to another, which ended up with her standing in the kitchen in her underwear. Clarke jumped when she felt arms wrap around her and she turned to be faced with a smirk. 

“Good morning princess,” Finn said with a toothy grin and he bent down to kiss her. She kept her eyes open, feeling the guilt rise up within her, the guilt that she’s let someone other than Lexa kiss her. “We certainly had fun last night.” He looked down at her, keeping her close to him. “I sure did miss you.” He let her go then and walked further into the kitchen to prepare coffee. “Do you want a cup?” 

“You know that I don’t like coffee.” 

“Oh yeah,” he paused and looked up at the ceiling. “That’s right.” Her brows bent together. She’s told him over and over again. She would think that he’d retain such a small detail like whether she drinks coffee or tea. She poured herself a glass of water, downed it in two big gulps and retreated into the bathroom. She looked at herself as she squeezed toothpastes onto her toothbrush. Her hair was a disaster and her blue eyes were blood shot. She certainly didn’t look or feel beautiful that morning. She brushed slowly, thinking about how stupid she was for letting herself be numb and vulnerable with alcohol to sleep with Finn. She felt sick to let it happen and she felt like she was betraying the woman she desperately wished to see back in her reflection instead of herself. She needed to talk to her, to set everything straight. Most of all, she needed to talk to Finn. It wasn’t right what she was doing to him, leading him on thinking that he’d still marry her. She needed to tell him that the wedding was off, that she didn’t love him like he loved her and that she was sorry. She didn’t know how to tell him that her feelings for him weren’t as strong as her feeling for another. Truth was that she didn’t know how to tell Lexa either. She knew that she was upset with her, that she probably wouldn’t want to even see her, but Clarke needed her to know. 

“Hey baby?” She heard Finn call from the living room and she nearly cringed. Moments later, he was standing in the doorway holding an envelope. “A courier just dropped this off. Looks like I’ve been invited to a New Year’s party. A Ms. _Lexa Woods_ sent this.” She hated the way he said her name. 

“She invited you?” Clarke stared at the card in his hand. 

“Yeah,” he said with a smug smile that she used to think was cute. “Looks like I’ve made an impression. Did you get one?” She nodded and looked back at herself in the mirror. “Where’s your ring?” Her eyes widened at his words and she looked at her bare finger. She looked over at him and saw that his dark eyes were narrow. His expression was something between curiosity and suspicion. 

_Tell him._

“I take it off when I go to sleep.” 

_Stop lying and tell him!_

“Since when?” he questioned. 

“Since it kept falling off of my finger,” she said as he looked her up and down. 

He leaned against the doorframe sporting a wicked grin. “I knew there was something different about your body last night.” He walked into the bathroom fully and wrapped his arms around her midsection and kissed her neck, his lips felt like a knife. “We could get it resized. In the meantime, why don’t you just keep it on.” 

She cleaned her mouth and broke free from his arms to walk over to where her ring laid abandoned on the night stand. She looked at it for a moment before picking it up and sliding it on her finger. Well, she wasn’t lying. The ring was loose on her finger. She guessed all of that running she did was the culprit. The cold circle stung her finger and made it feel like an anchor. She looked over at Finn who was still in the bathroom combing back his short dark hair. 

"Are you going to the party?” 

Finn shrugged, “Why not? Free drinks and food, right?” He looked at her, “I know you want to go. She’s your friend after all." 

“Yeah,” she said quietly still looking at the jewelry that tainted her hand. She needed to go and see Lexa. To see if those tired green eyes held hope or resentment. She stood there thinking of what to say when she realized that she needed to come up with it quick since New Year’s Eve was the following day. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Night had fallen on New Year’s Eve and they agreed to drive to Lexa’s party to avoid a big cab fare. The address on the invitation took them clear across town, past the business district, until they were driving alongside the river the city was established on. Clarke sat quietly in the passenger seat looking out the window at the tall skyscrapers that housed the wealthy, feeling her heart race faster as they got closer to their destination. Lexa occupied her thoughts the whole day as she practiced what she’d say to her over and over again in her head, but nothing could prepare her for the anxiety that made a home in her. 

“Can you believe this?” Finn’s voice pulled her from her thoughts and she looked at what he was referring to. They sat in traffic that seemed to be caused by the unloading of passengers in front of a large condo building. She saw various valets assisting people out of their vehicles and driving away. “Your friend must be a big shot to have this whole block closed off just for a party.” 

Clarke subtly rolled her eyes at him. Of course, he’d just see what’s on the outside, not even bothering to look underneath the surface. It took her four years to realize that he got under her skin with the way he viewed the world and blamed his blinding charm. She decided that she’d talk to him after the party. It wasn’t right to delay the inevitable. 

The valet opened Clarke’s door when they finally reached the front of the building and she began to second guess her decision to wear a dress when she stepped out of the car. The invitation did call for a semi-formal dress code and she wanted to opt out of wearing the black dress, but Finn persisted against it. She thought that maybe the fitted fabric would keep her body heat in, but the second she stood out on the curb waiting for Finn to finish with the valet was a test of her resilience to the subzero temperatures. She tried her best not to push him away when he started to rub her arms in order to create friction to keep her warm. The gesture made her feel guiltier. He loved her, that much was true and she held a secret from him like a loaded gun; aimed and ready to fire into his heart. 

Thankfully the parlor of the ultra-luxurious building was pumping out much needed heat when they followed instructions to the elevator. Everything about this building oozed the presence of Lexa. From the organized employees helping the quests to the white marble tiled floor she walked on. She felt her in this place and it was scary, yet exhilarating. When they stepped into the elevator with a number of other guests, Clarke couldn’t help but think about what happened two days ago in her apartment building. Her heart thudded heavily as she thought about Lexa’s body against hers. How her tongue played with Clarke’s, resulting in the unexpected moan that emerged from her throat. She thought about those slender fingers on her neck, how she wanted them to explore her body and conquer it. Clarke breathed in deeply when a tingling sensation rose up between her thighs. She gripped at her clutch, trying to control her thoughts from going to inappropriate places and was relieved when the elevator chimed. 

The doors slid open into a massive room that was already occupied with guests and music overlaid the murmurs of conversation. Clarke was not at ease when she felt Finn’s hand on the small of her back as they walked down the small steps that lead further into the room. The walls were primarily made up of floor to ceiling windows and tall white walls separating the glass panels every so often. The ceiling was high and white, while the floor was lined with beautiful dark hardwood that were buffed to the point where Clarke could see herself. She looked around, fascinated to be in Lexa’s living space and saw a white lounge chair in front of a roaring fireplace in one of the limited walls. To her left was an oddly placed thick wall, which looked like it was meant to separate rooms in the open concept design. In front of it was a bar that glowed with blue neon. The sight made her curious as to why someone who doesn’t drink has one in their home. Servers, wearing all black, weaved through the crowd with trays of beverages and Finn was quick to snatch two glasses, handing one to Clarke. She watched as he took one of the snacks and gobbled it down. She wished he had better table manners. She had to practically dress him because his idea of semi-formal was some plain t-shirt and slacks. She refused to leave the apartment until he wore a button up and nice dress shoes with his slacks. 

Taking a respectable gulp of her champagne, Clarke continued to let her eyes explore the almost surreal penthouse. Through the crowd of people, she could see a glossy black grand piano next to one large window ahead of her and she wondered if it was just for decoration. It wasn’t until she saw black stairs that went along the oddly placed wall that Clarke noticed there was a second floor. 

“Finn!” A familiar voice rose above the volume of the other guests and Clarke looked over to see Raven with her arms extended. She saw the entourage of her friends following her ecstatic friend. “What the hell are you doing here?” She said after hugging him, shock and excitement still on her face. Raven gave a quick glance to Clarke before turning her attention back to Finn. “You’re supposed to be keeping the country safe Flyboy.” 

“I could ask the same thing about Blake here,” Finn said as Bellamy walked up behind Raven and playfully punched his shoulder. When he saw Bellamy wrap his arm around Raven’s waist Finn’s dark eyes lit up and his jaw dropped. “Don’t tell me you two are a thing?” They confirmed with a smile. “Well it’s about damn time!” 

“Hey Collins.” Octavia hugged him half-heartedly and stood beside the tall frame of Lincoln. “It’s good to see you. When did you get back?” 

“A couple of days ago.” 

Octavia looked at Clarke, mild surprise in her eyes. “That must have surprised the hell out of Clarke.” Raven and Octavia’s gaze was too much for Clarke to handle and she had to divert her eyes while taking another sip from her glass. She felt Finn’s arm around her as he pulled her in closer to him. 

“Yeah,” he smiled down at her. “You should have seen the look on her face,” he downed his drink and placed it on a passing server’s tray. “That’s actually how I met our host.” 

“Really?” Raven’s voice trailed off and Octavia’s brows raised slightly as she raised her glass to her lips, sipping at her champagne. An uncomfortable silence loomed over the group and Clarke felt as though everyone’s eyes were on her. Like she had “I have a secret” tattooed in bold letters on her forehead. She looked around her and saw that, in fact, no one was paying attention to her as she began to sweat bullets. The room began to spin around her, seeing her friend’s faces morph and distort in to things only nightmares were made of. Their voices were deep and horrifically undistinguishable against her ear drums and she could feel herself rocking back and forth. Her friends didn’t know anything, but the way they looked at her was as if Lexa was still clinging onto her while Finn was doing the same. 

Just as she felt she couldn’t take air into her lungs, a clear and distinct ringing broke her out of her trance, bringing her back to Earth and reality. The surrounding conversations hushed and Clarke observed how everyone turned to see where the interrupting clinging sound came from. She followed everyone’s eyes to the woman who was half way up the black staircase, to be in full view of the guests, and Clarke’s breath hitched in her throat. Lexa stood there with a glass and spoon in hand, with a seemingly amused smirk across her face. The sight of her made Clarke’s heart stop and all of her anxiety seem to vanish. She was used to seeing her in feminine business attire, but Lexa stood there with the posture of royalty wearing a black dress that stopped just slightly above her knees with her dark mane swept to the side. 

“Good evening everyone,” Lexa spoke thunderously. “Thank you all for accompanying me in ringing in the New Year. We have had a tough yet fruitful year and I wanted to bring everyone together to celebrate. Together we will step into a new chapter in our personal lives, as well as our professional ones. I want to personally thank Luna Waters, who was kind enough to make the trip across the pond, for helping me ensure the future.” Clarke watched as Lexa’s eyes landed on the exotic face of the woman she was speaking of. Luna smiled brightly as she raised her glass slightly to Lexa. “Now, let us toast.” She raised her glass, making everyone follow suit. “To new endeavors, new adventures and the willingness to make mistakes.” This time Lexa’s eyes were locked on hers, as if she always knew where Clarke was standing. She paused momentarily, then tilted her head down, her intense eyes never leaving hers. “And to make them again until you get it right. To old and new friends alike, best wishes to you and your families.” Lexa raised her glass above her head indicating that the toast was over and cheers of “here, here” erupted as the guests raised their glasses and sipped the bubbly drink. 

The party around her resumed with the music chiming in and the conversations echoing around the room, but Clarke didn’t take her eyes off of Lexa. They stood there, on opposite sides of the brunette’s home, gazing at each other. Everyone around them moved in a blur, a haze that took no humanly form. She watched as Lexa walked down the stairs to mingle with her guests, seeing the way she flaunted a fake smile. She observed how she shook hands and kissed cheeks in that European fashion. She desperately wanted to break free from her group just to be closer to her. 

“Clarke.” She took a deep breath in and turned her attention back to her circle of friends. She noticed that they all were staring at her. She raised her eyebrows in question as she took the final sip of champagne in her mouth, not really sure who had called her. Octavia looked over her shoulder in the direction of Lexa and back to her. “I was just telling Finn about me being offered the position in London and that I would be leaving in a few days. I wanted to let you guys know that I’ll still be able to make it to the wedding, so don’t worry about that.” 

“Good, good.” Clarke turned her head away, trying to find Lexa but ultimately lost track of her. “That’s good.” 

“Do you even know what I said?” 

“Hmm?” She looked back at Octavia, unknowingly biting her lower lip. Raven’s eyes narrowed and Octavia took Clarke’s hand, leading her away from the group. 

"We’ll be right back,” Octavia said with a convincing smile and Raven was hot on their heels. She led them through the crowd, actively avoiding where Lexa was at and stopped when they were on the other side of the oddly placed wall, near one of the enormous windows. Clarke looked around the new environment, disoriented with the sudden movement. She saw that the wall split the penthouse in half, that this side looked more like a home. The far side was an open concept kitchen where the servers came with empty food trays and left when they were filled. Just in front of it was an elegant and modern glass dining room table and white cushioned chairs with a black frame surrounded it. Against the dividing wall was a mounted television and a black sectional sofa was placed on top of a light rug in front of it. Next to the sofa against that wall was that same Genghis Khan sword that brought Lexa to her. Behind her was actually the only solid wall (since it was the wall where the elevator was located) and a room where people walked in and out of. Clarke assumed it was the guest bathroom. She looked out the window and down at the twinkling city lights as Octavia and Raven confronted her. 

“What the hell is going on with you?” Octavia started off, folding her arms across her chest. 

“Easy O.” Raven placed a hand on the obviously heated woman. 

“No! She hasn’t been acting like herself and you know it. She stopping planning the wedding, had her ring off for months and it’s all because of Lexa.” Octavia paused. She closed her eyes and took in a sharp breath. “Look. I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but at least have the decency not to do it in front of Finn.” With that she walked away, leaving Clarke wide eyed and Raven perching her lips. 

“Octavia has a point.” Raven looked at her with concern in her dark eyes. “Finn took emergency leave to be with you. You have changed Clarke. God, it looked like you wanted to run away when he touched you.” She took her hand in her own, “You’re my best friend Clarke, but so is he. You know that I’ll support anything that you do, but you need to talk to him. If you’re having second thoughts, having any doubts at all, you need to tell him. If this is all because of Lexa…” Clarke stared into her friend’s eyes, searching for any clue as to what Raven was thinking. Searching for rejection, but found none. “I think I get it. I’ve gotten to know Lexa quite well over the last few days _and_ I might have helped her with something that I shouldn’t have…” 

“The flowers.” 

“Yes, the flowers…” her voice trailed off. “But please talk to Finn before things get messy.” She looped her arm in Clarke’s. “C’mon. Let’s get back to the others. 

“Actually,” Clarke stood her ground. “I just need a minute.” She looked at Raven, hoping that she understood that she didn’t need to explain herself. Relief washed over her when her friend smiled thoughtfully, hugged her and walked away. She shook her head at herself as she turned around to look down at the city. She recognized the change within herself, but didn’t realize that it was being shown externally. She knew that Octavia could be brash at times, but the way she looked at her and spoke to her was extremely telling. Was her affection towards Lexa that noticeable? Was it as clear as day and so pronounced that her friends had to speak to her twice about it? Has Finn noticed? Of course he has. He wouldn’t have come back home if he didn’t know something was wrong. She couldn’t forget the way he looked at them when they stood in the doorway that night when he surprised her. Clarke was pretty certain that he noticed how distant she’d been with him since his return home. 

_Oh God._ She thought as she covered her face with her hand, shaking her head again. _You’ve made a mess of things._

She let out a heavy sigh and decided to rejoin the group before they came looking for her. Stepping over to the other side of the penthouse, Clarke stood beside the wall and looked through the crowd to find her friends. When she finally spotted them she watched their faces; how they smiled, how their heads tilted back when they laughed and felt the cold feeling of loneliness swell inside her. She couldn’t remember the last time she shared that with them and wished things could go back to normal; back to how things were before that fateful day in September. She took a step towards them, but froze when she caught a glimpse of the host through a small opening of the other guests. Lexa was sitting in one of the arm chairs placed throughout the space, with her legs crossed and seemed to be enjoying the conversation she was having with Luna who sat beside her. She was aware of her heart as it thudded hard in her chest, questioning why she’d get that reaction every time she set eyes on this woman. Clarke wanted to go to her then, needed to go to her but she looked back at her friends and felt herself being torn in half. She wanted to make things right by Lexa, but she also needed to stay away from her, at least until she spoke with Finn. Her eyes bounced back and forth between Finn and Lexa, seeing how the path between them formed a fork in the road. To her right, where Finn stood, was the path where her mind pleaded for her to go. Lexa was seated to her left where her heart wanted her to go. She stood there, knowing that all the events that happened in the past few months led up to this point, to this decision she had to make. Head versus heart. The battle every human had to endure and Clarke was no different. 

Her feet moved, her eyes locked on her destination. _There was no going back now._ She took one sure step after another, weaving through the people effortless like a leaf blowing in the wind. _This is it._ She stopped in front of her decision and held her breath when she got their attention. 

“Hello Clarke.” Lexa smiled at her, but her eyes were marked with sadness. 

“Lexa,” she said softly. 

“Are you enjoying yourself?” When Clarke replied with just a nod, Lexa held out her hand towards the woman next to her. “You remember Luna?” 

Luna extended her hand out to Clarke and smiled sweetly. “You’re looking as gorgeous as ever.” 

“Thank you.” Clarke was in a daze with the sight of Lexa, not really registering the presence of Luna. “Can I…speak with you?” She looked at the green-eyed woman, “In private?” She watched as the smile on Lexa’s face vanished. She looked at Luna and at the people around them. Her body language showed signs of uncertainty and Clarke thought she might just refuse her. Seconds later Lexa stood up and excused herself. She led the way up the stairs. She was conscious of how this might look to the others, but she deemed it unimportant. Her main focus was the person in front of her and what she had rehearsed before attending the party. The journey seemed to go on forever and each step was like quick sand, but Clarke didn’t let it stop her. She was filled with determination and purpose that she wasn’t going to let anything deter her. 

She bit her lip when they finally reached the second floor and Lexa continued to walk down a short hallway leading to tall double doors. She opened one and allowed Clarke to walk in first. The room was dimly lit by single standing lamp in the corner of the room and considerably smaller than the rest of Lexa’s home. The room was still the same concept as the bottom floor, except the far wall was not made up of windows and was actually a dark wood paneled wall. The floors were carpeted instead of the glossy hard wood floors below them. It wasn’t until she saw the gray sheets on the bed that she realized she was standing in Lexa’s bedroom. Clarke heard a click behind her and watched Lexa walk past her to stand in front of the window. She held her hands behind her back, the same posture she’d have with her employees and Clarke noticed markings going down her spine. She must have been too focused on what she was going to say that she didn’t see the tattoo. 

They stood there silently, but this time it wasn’t familiar and the air was thick and tense. Clarke repeatedly closed her hand into a fist trying to ground herself, trying to muster up the courage to break the silence. 

“Well?” Lexa’s tone wasn’t its usual softness she would have with her and it made her heart drop. “Why did you need to speak with me?” 

“Are you drinking again?” Her voice was shaky. 

“No.” she answered plainly. “It was sparkling juice.” 

Clarke nodded slowly, “You have a lovely home. Thank you for inviting me and Finn.” 

“You pulled me aside to compliment me on my home and thank me for inviting you and your fiancé?” Lexa continued to look out the window, keeping her back towards her. 

“No.” It was in that moment everything that she rehearsed was wiped clean from her memory. Clarke shifted from foot to foot, having no idea how to explain to her what she was feeling. She stared at Lexa and just decided to say whatever her heart had to say. “I wanted to say that what happened that night –“ 

“Was a mistake,” Lexa interrupted. 

“No.” She walked over to Lexa, “No, it wasn’t.” Clarke paused and watched as those squared shoulders relaxed slightly. “I don’t know how to explain this feeling I’ve had, but ever since the day we met, something inside of me woke up. I feel like everything I’ve done in my life was decided for me, not _by_ me.” When Lexa turned her head to look at her, Clarke took her hand in her own. Lexa’s eyes were big and questioning, but she could tell that her walls were up by the way she was clenching her jaw. “I’m done following other people’s rules. Done with doing what people want me to do. _Being_ what people want me to be. I’ve been wondering why everything was connected to you, why every road leads to you. It wasn’t until you stepped into my life and out of my imagination that everything seemed to fall into place. I feel like we were meant to meet someday, somehow or some way. So no, it wasn’t a mistake. It felt right. It always feels right whenever I am with you.” 

Lexa’s eyes turned cold at that moment and shouting from downstairs indicated that it was almost midnight. Clarke couldn’t understand why she was looking at her the way she was. Did she say something wrong? Did she over step her bounds? Lexa turned fully towards her and lowered her head, her eyes still glaring at her. The city lights gleamed in her iris making them look terrifyingly beautiful. 

“ _Feels right?_ ” She said in a low tone which sent a shiver down Clarke’s spine. “Does it _feel_ right being up here, alone, with me while you wear that ring and your fiancé is downstairs?” She slowly broke away from Clarke’s grasp. “None of this feels right Clarke. It _was_ a mistake.” 

_Ten!_ The shouting was in unison and Clarke stared at Lexa, screaming internally. 

“I don’t know what you expected me to say.” Lexa stared her down, “You stand there saying all these things when you know damn well you’re still going home with him.” Clarke could see Lexa’s chin shake and how her eyes became glassy. She was pushing her away and she couldn’t say anything. 

_Five!_

Clarke looked down, feeling her tears roll down her face. 

_Four!_

“I’m sorry Clarke.” Lexa’s voice croaked, soaked with the emotion she tried to hold back. 

_Three!_

“But whatever fantasy you built up in your mind between us is nothing more than just that.” 

_Two!_

Clarke couldn’t stop herself from feeling the crushing blow of the rejection Lexa gave her. This is not what she expected. She didn’t even know what she expected Lexa to say, but she felt that everything came together was tearing apart right in front of her. 

_One! Happy New Year!_

A thunderous sound erupted below as well as outside. Clarke looked up at Lexa and saw the hue of purple wash over her face as the fireworks outside burst in the air. It illuminated the emotions the near darkness tried to hide on her face and just before Clarke caught a glimpse underneath the surface. This time it wasn’t hopelessness or even anger. She looked into her eyes as blues and reds streaked across the black sky and onto her. She saw only one thing: brokenness. 

“Happy New Year Clarke.” Lexa stood up straight, gathering herself. “Best wishes to you.” 

____________________________________________________________________________ 

She opened the door to her apartment, trying to stabilize herself while helping a sloppy Finn in his drunken confusion. They stumbled in and through the living room while he mumbled and planted wet kisses on her cheek. It was well past midnight and she was thankful that she didn’t participate in the heavy drinking like he did, though she really needed to feel numb. She sat him on the bed and began removing his shoes and slacks. Clarke didn’t want to feel anything at that moment, but the thought of Lexa wouldn’t allow her to do otherwise. She didn’t want her and that thought made her sick, made her aware of the hole Lexa left in her. Was she right? Was the kiss they shared a mistake? She sighed heavily as she helped Finn out of his shirt and laid him down to sleep. There was no way she was going to be able to speak to him that night or even in the morning since he’d more than likely be suffering from a hangover. Instead she just tucked him in and when his breathing evened out, the best it could, she walked into the bathroom and close the door behind her. No longer did her life feel like it was coming together. Lexa’s words were subtle and deliberate and it was clear to Clarke that there was no future for them. She shed her dress off, only being in her bra and underwear, and stared at herself in the mirror. Her blue eyes looked dead and lifeless. Her body, at this point, was an empty vessel, a shell of her former self. 

_Was she right?_ Clarke thought as she turned on the shower. _Was everything just a fantasy?_ She twisted the heavy ring on her finger and thought about the events leading up to her wanting to smash her fist into the mirror. _Was everything a mistake? Was everything built up in my head?_ She closed her eyes and remembered how Lexa would look at her. Like she held the secrets of the universe in her ocean eyes. Remembered how when they touched, it sent shock waves through her body, resurrecting what had died in her. How she held her so delicately yet so strong, as if not wanting to break her but also holding the pieces together. How those tired, violent eyes that peered through the near darkness at her fought against what words formed in her mouth. 

No. This wasn’t a fantasy. This wasn’t a mistake. Clarke knew that fate had a funny way of bringing people together and how, on another plane of existence, will do anything to keep them apart. She always believed in two forces that fought one another and she felt like her soul was the battlefield. Every road leads to Lexa because of the force that wanted them together and Finn was the roadblock, the force that wanted them apart. That negative force was winning and Clarke didn’t like losing. 

She turned off the shower and hurried out of the bathroom to dress herself, pulling a sweater over her head and slipping into jeans. Clarke stomped into some boots and was out the door faster than she could rationalize her actions, leaving her ring and fiancé behind. Sometimes, people get so scared of change and going after what they want that they stay in their comfort zone. Sometimes people pass straight through terror and come out the other side unscathed. Those people trade in their fear for recklessness and Clarke thought that life needs a little chaos in order for there to be peace. She was being reckless, but she wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of what she wanted. Not anymore. She was diving head first into oblivion, hoping she’d make it to the other side, not knowing if she’d even come out of it. She doesn’t remember how or when she got into a taxi, but she found herself marching across white marble floors and was stopped by a receptionist in the front lobby of Lexa’s home. 

“Ma’am,” the man behind the counter looked extremely tired and annoyed, “do you live here?” 

“No.” She replied coldly. “I’m here to visit Lexa Woods. I was here earlier.” 

“Is Ms. Woods expecting you?” 

“No.” 

“Then I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” No, she can’t leave. She made it this far and she wasn’t going to go back now. 

“Can you just phone her to let her know I’m here?” 

“Do you have any idea what time it is?” He looked at her like she was insane. 

“Please.” She didn’t want to beg, but if it had to come to it then so be it. The man’s face scanned her own and he sighed. She watched as he brought a phone to his ear and waited. Clarke could almost hear the muffled ring and her heart felt like it was going to implode. Seconds ticked by with no answer and just when defeat was rising within her, she saw the receptionist’s eyes widen slightly. 

“Yes Ms. Woods,” he cleared his throat. “I’m sorry to be calling you at this time, but you have a visitor.” He waited for a reply, then looked at Clarke, “A Ms…” 

“Clarke Griffin.” 

“A Ms. Griffin,” he nodded as if Lexa could see him and followed up with, “Mhm. Okay, I will do so.” He hung up and sighed again. Clarke was ready to be sent away, ready to be rejected again. “Okay Ms. Griffin, if you’ll just head over to the elevators, I’ll send you right up.” 

Clarke was relieved yet confused as to what he meant, but followed his directions anyway. She called the elevator and when she was going to press the button for the penthouse, there was no such thing. Instead, the elevator doors closed and she felt it move. She shook her head, not wanting to trouble herself with unimportant details and needed to remember what she was there for. She struggled to catch her breath as anxiety rose up again with each ding of the floor the elevator passed and she concluded that it was just another sign that negative force was present. But her heart raced with excitement and it calmed her to know that fate was on her side. 

The elevator dinged a final time and Clarke stepped out when the doors opened. She walked slowly down the small steps and into the now empty, quiet space. Only being lit by the city lights and a small light at the top of the stairs. Her eyes landed on the silhouette sitting there at the top and her feet moved automatically, almost as if being guided straight to the shadowy figure. 

“What are you doing here Clarke?” Lexa’s voice echoed through the large open space, still sitting. Clarke couldn’t see her face, but she could feel those green embers searing through her. She didn’t stop walking towards her, even though Lexa’s tone sounded threatening. She grabbed the railing and slowly climbed up the stairs. 

“I don’t know,” she said quietly, her eyes trained on the dark figure above. 

“Well, what do you want?” 

“I want you.” Clarke was half way up the stairs when she noticed how rigid Lexa’s body went. Her once slumped shoulders squared up, her spine straightened and her breathing pattern changed. She remained seated when Clarke reached her and when she looked at her, she could see the conflict in her eyes. Lexa looked so vulnerable, yet so guarded. Her eyes were frightened but frightening as they glared into Clarke’s and that very distant, yet familiar feeling of fight or flight filled her. She scares the hell out of Clarke and calms her soul at the same time. Maybe that’s how it was always going to be with Lexa – a total contradiction that somehow balances out. It wasn’t Lexa that really scared her, it was the thought of the almost. _Almost_ lovers. _Almost_ together. _Almost_ , but never. Clarke was scared of _losing_ her. So she’d fight for as long as it takes; until there’s nothing left and even then she’d still fight. 

“Finn…?” It was barely a whisper and it made Clarke sit down beside her. She placed a careful hand on Lexa’s knee, stroked it lightly with her thumb and looked into her eyes. 

"Means nothing to me.” Clarke held Lexa’s hand, trying to establish that much needed physical connection. “It took a while to understand my feelings for you and how much you actually meant to me. I know you’re pushing me away because you don’t want to get hurt like you’ve been hurting all your life, but I made a promise to you that night in November and I intend to keep it.” She searched Lexa’s face, trying to find any sort of emotion to indicate that she was understanding her, but found nothing. Tears stung her eyes and she allowed them to fall. “Lexa…I want _you_ …every day, in every way. There’s a place in my heart that no one can fill but you. I don’t know exactly when it happened, maybe it was just always there, but all I know is that it was so easy falling for you. I know you have done the same for me. I know that there’s a place for me in your heart and that you care for me as much as I care for you. I can see it. I see it in the way you look at me. I saw it in all the little subtle things that you do. You’re pushing me away, but I’m not going anywhere.” 

Lexa remained silent and it was killing her. Was there no way to break through the fortress around her heart? Has she completely shut her out? Did her confession fall on deaf ears? Clarke looked down as quiet sobs escaped her. She could feel that negative force begin to tear a seam between them; to have them walk the Earth alone in search of the right person. It couldn’t be that way. Lexa _is_ her person, the _right_ person. When she was about to lose all hope, Clarke felt Lexa’s fingers under her chin and lifted her head up gently. She saw the tears swelling up in her now gentle eyes. Her lips were slightly parted and her chest heaved slowly. Clarke could see everything Lexa was feeling: fear, sorrow, doubt, relief, desire and infatuation. She then felt Lexa’s hands softly cup her face and her heart skipped when she leaned in, kissing her tenderly. Clarke felt herself tremble under her fingertips and she grabbed her wrists to find stability. Lexa kissed her like her lips were air and she couldn’t breathe. She didn’t need to say anything back to Clarke, she didn’t tell her those things to hear them back. She told her so that she could know and knew by how Lexa kissed her that she indeed felt the same way. 

“Do you know what you do to me?” Lexa whispered when they parted, resting her forehead against Clarke’s. She feels Lexa’s thumbs slowly cross her cheek bones over and over again, wiping away the tears that continued to fall. Clarke sighed at the touch, reveling in the comfort and the feeling of safety she gave her. She couldn’t hold back the small sobs that refused to cease and Lexa cooed her quietly, brushing back the mess of her hair, away from her face and planted a soft kiss on her closed eyelids. She heard a faint sniffle come from the woman that held her and her eyes shot open. The dim light above them spilled onto her face, making the streams that flowed down her cheeks shine tragically beautiful. Here she was trying to keep Clarke together, to keep her seams from tearing, all the while she sat there just as broken as Clarke. Lexa was trying to be strong for the both of them and she wanted to tell her that it was okay that she didn’t need to hold everything in anymore. She opened her mouth to say something but instead Clarke shook her head and kissed her lush lips. The kiss was more than just that; it was her way of telling Lexa that everything was going to be okay. It was to let her know that she was there and willing to hold her up when she didn’t have the strength. That in her world of losing the people that she held dear, Clarke would be her constant just like she was for her. 

She felt Lexa shift her body more fully towards her, leaning more into her as she wrapped her arms around her neck. Clarke embraced her, enveloping her firmly in her arms, tilting her head and making their kiss deeper. She let out a quiet tear soaked whimper as she welcomed Lexa’s curiously shy tongue into her mouth. The action shakes through every inch of her, bringing everything to life. Clarke gripped at Lexa’s shirt, wanting to eliminate the remaining space between them. She wanted nothing to separate them anymore and slid her hands down the woman’s slender back, playing with the hem of her shirt. When her timid fingers touched the soft skin beneath the material, Lexa breathed in sharply. Clarke broke free from her lips and softly pecked a trail from the woman’s wet cheeks, tasting the tears that lined her face, to her prominent jaw. The motions of her hand became more daring as she inched her way up Lexa’s shirt, feeling the heat radiating off of her skin and onto her palm. She quaked against her exploring hand and when she stopped just below the swell of her breast, not wanting to impose, Lexa reached under the shirt, grabbed Clarke’s hand and placed it against her. The normally collected woman turned her head and kiss her hard, hungrily. Her hand remained on Clarke’s, holding it secure, giving her the permission she silently asked for. Her breast filled her hand perfectly as she noticed it was bare in her palm. When Lexa loosened her grip, Clarke took the opportunity and softly cupped her mound. She slowly glided her thumb over her nipple, making it go stiff and making Lexa breathe in deeply. Clarke kissed down her face and brushed her lips on Lexa’s neck. 

“Breathe,” her voice was thick with ecstasy. Clarke teased the pebble of Lexa’s breast between her thumb and forefinger, smiling against the nape of her neck when she released her breath in a quiet moan. She felt Lexa lean her head towards hers and placed a shaking hand on her shoulder. 

“Come to bed with me.” It was barely a whisper but Clarke felt the words vibrate through her body. Her stomach coiled tightly as she listened to Lexa’s breathing, begging her heart to slow before it pounded out of her chest. Her hand slid out from under her shirt as she moved away from Lexa to look at her. Her lips were plump from Clarke’s kisses, her cheeks were rosy, her eyes were dark and innocent. “It’s late,” her voice was groggy and she blinked slowly. “Come to bed with me,” she repeated. She watched as Lexa stood and took her hand when she offered it to her. She assisted Clarke up and pulled her along down the short hallway, towards the open door of her bedroom. 

The lamp in the corner was the only source of light when she entered the room for the windowed wall was completely covered with curtains. Lexa stopped half way into the room and turned around to face her. She casually pulled Clarke’s sweater over her head as though she’d been doing it forever. Her stomach clenched when she realized that she didn’t put a shirt on when she had left the apartment and stood before her in her bra. She saw how Lexa’s lips parted slightly at the unexpected sight. She reached out and traced Clarke’s collar bone with feather light fingertips before stepping closer to place a ghost of a kiss there. The sensation ran through her and stopped between her legs as Lexa’s scent was making her feel intoxicated. She pecked at Clarke’s jaw and neck. She felt her soft hands run down the length of her body. Her touch was delicate and barely there. Her fingers traced her frame timidly and it sent shock waves through her. Lexa stood erect, gazed at her with unusually dark eyes that were filled with desire and with a calculated motion she pulled her own shirt up and over her head. Clarke looked down at her exposed flesh. Already full aware that Lexa was bare under her shirt, but she couldn’t control how the way her breath hitched at the sight of her. Lexa’s eyes never left her own as she took Clarke’s hand and slowly started walking backwards towards the bed. Her steps felt heavy, felt as if the carpet beneath her feet was crumpling and she was struggling to keep from stumbling. It was Lexa’s hold on her hand and her thousand-yard stare that stabilized and urged her. 

Clarke watched as Lexa sat down on the edge of the bed when the back of her knees touched the frame. She searched her dilated eyes, looking for whatever intention the quiet woman had, but found nothing malicious. She looked down at Lexa’s naked vulnerability and didn’t want her to be alone in that state. With unwavering eyes, she reached behind her and unhooked the last thing that separated them as equals, letting it slip off her shoulders, down her arms and onto the floor. Her breathing matched Lexa’s deep intakes as they looked at each other in the dimly lit silence, not wanting to blink incase none of this was real. The air around them was electric and tense. She bit the inside of her lip when she saw Lexa reach out and place a light hand on the space between her breasts. Her hand burned against her skin as she lazily let it slide down her stomach and around to her back. With a gentle tug, Lexa brought Clarke in between her open legs and softly left a whisper of a kiss on her hip bone. Her fingers played along the hem of her jeans and looked up at Clarke. 

“Can I take this off?” She could tell by the way her voice shook that she knew that Lexa was nervous. The words made her equally as nervous and when she reached up, running her fingers through that wild dark hair, she could feel both of their nerves ease and relax. Closing her eyes Clarke nodded slowly, reveling the touch of Lexa’s lips on her stomach as she felt the button on her jeans pop open. The sound on the zipper deafened her ears as she felt her jeans tug off her hips and pulled down to her knees. She opened her eyes to see Lexa’s gaze fixed on the space in between her legs and felt her face, her womanhood heating up. She moved back to bend down, kick off her shoes and step out of her jeans. Lexa watched her carefully, leaning back on her hands as Clarke removed the articles of clothing; her eyes taking their time to examine and survey her body. Clarke swallowed hard wondering why she was feeling as if this was her first time with anyone, man or woman. She could feel those green embers burn through her skin and she couldn’t take the heat rising in her anymore. She stepped back into Lexa’s open legs and bent down, grabbing a fist full of her hair, engaging in a heated kiss. It was desperate, messy and so hard that it made Lexa fall onto her back. Hushed moans broke free from Clarke’s throat when she felt their bare chests press against each other. Lexa’s hand ran wild on her back, gripping and softly scratching, leaving love marks she didn’t know she needed. Clarke could almost feel the woman’s heart beat in their untamed passion and she swears to anyone above that it kept pace with her own. She trailed down the length of Lexa’s neck with wet, hot kisses and stopped at the swells of her breasts. She allowed her fingers to dance across one nipple, enjoying the softness before taking the taut feature into her mouth. Lexa jerked slightly beneath her as she let out a heavy sigh and tangles one hand in Clarke’s hair. Her hips pushed up against her stomach and the heat coming from her made Clarke dizzy. She moved to her other waiting pebble, wanting to give it the same attention as she rocked with the brunette. Lexa’s desperate moans filled the room and the sound invaded Clarke’s being, making a home in between her thighs. She hungrily kissed down Lexa’s slender stomach, not wanting to leave anything untouched by her lips and stopped just above the trimming on her pants. 

“I want you,” Clarke whispered against Lexa’s abdomen. Her fingertips dipped under the fabric and when Lexa lifted her lower half off the bed, she pulled the pants right down her long legs. Clarke looked down at her breathlessly. “ _God_ ,” she uttered, “you’re beautiful.” Her hands ran up the length of Lexa’s legs as she lowered herself over her quivering body. She presses soft, open-mouthed kisses on her inner thigh and smirked when the woman responded with another breathy moan. She slowly worked her way in closer until she reached her most sensitive parts and stopped to look up at Lexa. Her head was back and her naked chest heaved beautifully in the low light. She reached up to cup one mound as she lowered her head to place the smallest peck on her underwear where her lips were. 

“Clarke…” Lexa huffed. 

“Hmm?” Clarke didn’t look up when she felt her shift. 

“Wait…” 

She finally lifted her head to see Lexa’s expression. She wanted this as well, but something in those longing eyes told her it wasn’t the right time. Clarke nodded, knowing all too well why this wasn’t completely perfect and sighed deeply. 

“I know,” Clarke said quietly as she moved onto the bed. She laid silently for a moment before saying, “Lay with me.” 

Lexa leaned over to her and kissed her shoulder and Clarke watched as she got up to turn off the lamp and darkness flooded the room. She shifted until she freed the sheets under her and moments later, she felt the bed dip in front of her. Clarke reached out into the darkness until her fingers met with flesh and she scooted into Lexa’s waiting arms. She tucked her head in the crook of the woman’s neck and smiled lazily when Lexa began playing with her hair. They tangled their legs together, not allowing any more space to come between them. Clarke couldn’t believe how much Lexa’s arms felt like home. How their bodies molded and blended together perfectly. She never felt such peace in her soul with anyone, never had anyone put her at ease the way Lexa did. She thought about how people always said that there’s someone out there for them. Someone who knows how to calm her storms and make her rage against what is expected of her. " 

Clarke kissed Lexa’s jaw, silently thanking her for feeling her from the bindings that kept her prisoner in her own body. Silently thanking her for finding her that day in the museum. She got lost in her, but it was the kind of lost that’s exactly the same as being found. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was certainly a jam packed chapter if I do say so myself. This chapter was a difficult one to write because of all the emotions flying all over the place. I was honestly feeling what Clarke was feeling during the New Year's Eve conversation with Lexa. It took me so long because I wanted everything to feel right, to feel genuine and I hope it came across as such. Plus, there's references to a song and movie that I love so let me know if you found them!


	7. We All Fall Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here guys! I'm so sorry for the HUGE delay. I know I said it was going to be posted after Thanksgiving but things have gotten in the way and the update was pushed back. But now its here and a holiday gift from me to you!
> 
> As always, I hope you guys enjoy.
> 
> "The truth is rarely pure and never simple." -Oscar Wilde

What if people meet the right person, but at the wrong time? Did the two forces make a deal to ensure that two people meet but only in the most inconvenient way? Clarke laid there somberly holding a sleeping Lexa close to her as she watched the light creeping in from a crack in the curtain change from a pale blue to a brilliant white. Sorrow took shape within her as she looked down at the tranquil image of the woman whose head was resting on her chest, knowing that she’ll have to leave her. Lexa made it almost impossible to move out from under her with her arm wrapped around Clarke’s mid-section and how absolutely enchanting she looked in her slumber. She relished the way the beam of light bounced off her shoulder, making her skin looked as if it glowed; savoring how warm and soft she felt in her arms.

Clarke closed her eyes and let out a sigh. She had to get back to her- no, _Finn’s_ apartment knowing he was probably already awake and wondering where she was. Guilt ached in her heart when she heard Lexa’s words echo in her mind. After the intimate night they shared, she was, indeed, _still_ going back to him. But she needed to talk to him, needed to end one chapter before reading on to the next. She slowly removed Lexa’s arm from around her, paused when she stirred and hummed in sleepy protest, but ultimately freed herself from her embrace. She sat on the edge of the bed and watched how Lexa’s face twisted in a pout as she grabbed the pillow Clarke used to cuddle it. She smiled at how unbelievably adorable she looked and couldn't resist the urge to lean in to kiss her on her forehead. She nearly kicked herself when Lexa’s eyes fluttered open and was given a knowing look.

“Good morning.” Clarke said quietly, trying to put on a convincing smile. It failed the moment she saw that Lexa’s face didn't change.

“You’re going back.” It wasn’t a question. Lexa’s voice was groggy but her sleep soaked eyes stared at her with woe. Clarke couldn't lie to her but didn't want the words to leave her lips. So instead, she looked down and lightly tapped the back of Lexa’s hand. She couldn't look at her, didn't want to see the hurt in her face. She wishes she could just crawl right back into bed with her, allow their bodies to twist together in bliss until time didn't exist and the world crumbled around them.

“I understand.” Lexa’s voice was soft and Clarke looked at her to see the understanding was truly in her eyes. Clarke took Lexa’s hand, raised it to her lips and kissed her open palm before cupping it against her cheek.

“I’m sorry.”

Lexa gave a sad smile, slowly shook her head and Clarke could feel her thumb softly caressing her cheekbone. 

“Don’t be.” Lexa whispered. “Do you want me to call for Gustus to take you home?”

The word _home_ seemed alien to her. Home wasn't that place anymore. It has never been home to her when she thought about it. That apartment was more like a halfway house more than anything. It prepared her for what she really wanted, where _home_ really was. Home looked at her with green intent; was the hand on her cheek and the name on her lips.

“Lexa,” she paused, feeling how her heart skipped a beat at the mention of her name, “you don't have to. I could take a cab.”

“Nonsense.” Lexa propped herself on one elbow, “I want to.”

Home had a smile just for her and arms that kept her safe. It stared at her her whole life and it was only until now that she realized that home wasn’t four walls and a roof.

“I’ll come back.” Clarke’s eyes darted between Lexa’s, trying to silently tell her that it was the truth. Lexa leaned in and kissed the corner of her lips.

“I know.”

Home wasn’t a building, a street address or even the city she lived in. Home was the peck on her face and whose heart beat matched her own. No, home was never a destination. She is a woman and her name is Lexa.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Her stomach tightened as the door clicked open and she hesitated to walk in. Her hand trembled as she held the door knob, contemplating on entering the apartment. She didn't know how she’d react to seeing Finn or what she’d even say to him. Where would she even begin? Should she start with the fact that a few days after he left to go over seas she had met someone? Someone that took her by complete surprise and turned her world upside down, but right side up at the same time? Or should she mention the fact that she's seen this person in her reflection her whole life? No. Scratch that. She doesn't want to break his heart let alone make him think that she’s crazy. What ever the case, she needed to clear the air and start the new year right.

Clarke shook her head and drew in a shaky breath before finally twisting the knob and stepping in the apartment. Meowing emerged from the sofa and she saw Horus’ little head pop up and she could practically see the relief in his icy blue eyes. He hopped down and scurried over to where she stood, weaving in and out between her legs.

“Hey baby.” She said as she crouched down and stroked the length of the feline. Other than the eager meows coming from Horus and the jingling of his collar, Clarke noticed that the apartment was still, quiet even. She called out to Finn, her voice bouncing off the cold walls and back at her. She stood up and walked over to the bedroom when she received no response. She saw that Finn still laid there recovering from the long night. 

With perched lips and slumped shoulders, Clarke decided to pick up where she had left off before blindly rushing to Lexa’s place. She kicked off her boots, pulled her sweater up and over her head. The sight of her back made her smile. Faint pink lines ran up and down her back and images of Lexa under her flooded her thoughts. She unhooked her bra and stepped into the shower as the rememberable taste of Lexa’s skin made her mouth water. She stepped under the hot water that rained down and raked her hair back, still feeling the grip Lexa had as Clarke kissed down her body. Her imagination had gotten away from her for soon she felt that all too familiar tingling rise up. Instead of trying to drown them out, she let them flow, dreaming of what could of happened if Lexa hadn’t stopped her. She would of taken her, left her mark on her body with her tongue and she would gladly let Lexa do the same to her. She was so ready to shed her old skin and inhabit the new one that only had Lexa’s touch. Clarke allowed her hand to wander down in between her legs, wanting to feel how sensitive she was by her thoughts. Just as her fingers slipped through her lips, the bathroom door opened abruptly and Finn’s voice made her jump.

“Ah.” he sighed as he positioned in front of the toilet and began to relieve himself, “What a night, huh babe?”

Clarke blinked away the image of Lexa at Finn’s sudden exposure and hurried to shampoo her hair.

“H-how are you feeling?” She said as she lathered the shampoo.

“Not great, but not too bad.” The sound of his urine splashing into the bowl made her mildly disgusted. Clarke closed her eyes and tilted her head back to wash out her hair and hopefully muffle out the sound. Instead, she heard the toilet flush and the shower door opened moments later. She opened her eyes when she felt a hand slide up from her hips to her waist and looked up at Finn’s sleepy expression.

“Good morning.” He said with a grin and leaned in to kiss her. Clarke promptly turned her head so that his lips met with her cheek. He leaned back and when he gave her a suspicious look, she tried to pull it off with a sly smile.

“You haven’t brushed your teeth yet, Flyboy.” She tried to sound convincing. She rinsed out the rest of the shampoo in her hair and stepped to the side so that Finn could begin washing himself. She made sure her back was out of his line of sight for she didn’t know how she would explain the barely there marks Lexa had left. Clarke made quick work with the conditioner and body wash. When they rotated again, she tried to not make it look like she wanted out of the confined space with the naked man.

“What happened to your back?” Finn said as she got out of the shower and wrapped herself in a towel. She cursed herself and his twenty-twenty vision. Clarke looked over her shoulder at him and said the first thing that popped into her head.

“Things got a little rough last night.”

“I had clothes on when I woke up.”

“Boxers have a hole in the front for a reason, Finn.” She gave him the best seductive face she could. “Easy access.”

Finn shrugged. “Seems like a hassle.”

“Nothing seems like a hassle when you’re drunk and horny.” She guessed that he accepted that answer when she saw him shrug again and went back to washing out his short hair.

_You’re a liar._

She grabbed her tooth brush and squeezed paste on the bristles. She hated herself. Hated that she was lying to everyone and hated who she saw in the mirror.

_He knows something is wrong._

She didn’t recognize the person that stared back at her while she brushed her teeth. Her blue eyes were distant and vacant. Her face lined with tension. Who was she? Who was this person that took hold and used her body as a vessel? Her brows bent closer together when she realized her emotions differed earlier that morning. With Lexa, she felt more like herself than she has ever felt before. With Lexa, she didn't question who she was and didn't feel uncomfortable in her own skin like she did with Finn. In that moment, everything clicked. The person in her reflection was the person she was with him. It was that layer of skin she so desperately wanted to do away with because that person was a fraud. She closed her eyes thinking of the warmth of Lexa’s body and how full her heart was every time their lips met. With her, she is exactly who she wanted to be and Lexa was the person she wanted to me with.

Clarke washed her face free from suds and looked over at Finn who had just finished showering. He was truly a wonderful man and he wasn't the reason for her infidelity, but she was going down a road he could no longer follow.

“Hey Finn?” When he looked at her while towel drying her hair, her mouth became dry and panic surged through her. “D-do you want me to make you some coffee?”

“Sure. Thanks babe.”

Clarke gave a half-hearted smile before walking out of the steamy bathroom. She gritted her teeth behind closed lips as she dressed herself, mentally going through the swear book. She didn’t understand why she was avoiding the inevitable. Lexa was waiting for her and Clarke knew if she doesn't speak with Finn today, she'd lose the one thing that frees her. She chewed on her inner cheek as she walked into the kitchen to prepare Finn's cup of coffee and her own cup of tea. The sound of Horus’ jingling filled the quiet apartment as he jumped onto the counter and up onto the fridge. 

With the tea kettle on the stove, coffee streaming down into its own container, and Horus’ food and water bowl replenished, Clarke leaned back against the counter. She crossed her arms and stood in the kitchen like a statue, getting lost in her thoughts. She felt like an alien in the place she once called home. Maybe more like a tick that quickly needed to be plucked out. The atmosphere in the apartment made her skin crawl and that feeling of not belonging hung over her head like a pendulum. She looked up at Horus, who watched her carefully, peering into her almost as if he could see the turmoil inside. 

Without missing a beat, her feline friend leaped off the refrigerator onto the floor and sat at her feet. Clarke’s brow arched upwards as she bent down and scooped him up into her arms. She nuzzled him as he purred in her embrace, feeling the comfort she needed. She always believed that people could form strong emotional connections with their pets and she knew that the bond was there with Horus. Holding him there, close to her chest, gave her the air of clarity she looked for in an otherwise suffocating situation. She must have been in a daze for moments later, Finn walked into the kitchen and removed the screeching kettle from the red hot stove top.

“Don't you hear that?” He said, his tone clearly annoyed. 

“Oh, no.” Clarke blinked, “I spaced out.”

“The whole damn block could hear this shit.” He walked past her and grunted when Horus growled at him. “When we get married, we're getting rid of the cat.”

Clarke glared at him, her face twisting in anger. She let Horus jump onto the floor and turn towards Finn. 

“You know how much Horus means to me. I'm not getting rid of him and I'm not going to m-.” The phone called out from the living room and Finn smirked. 

“Relax, princess,” he sipped at his coffee walking past her towards the ringing, “I was only joking.” Before she could utter another syllable, Finn disappeared to answer the persistent ringing. 

Clarke blinked hard, letting out a huff as she began preparing her tea. She didn’t know what had come over her. His statement about Horus sent her over the edge which confused her because she's normally more level headed. Her sudden spark of anger made her meditate in what really triggered that emotion. It wasn't the fact that he joked about evicting her cat. No, it was just him. His very presence got under her skin like a ringworm, making her feel irritated and itchy. She wondered why was she oblivious to her body's reaction to her infectious atmosphere or how the words that fell out of his mouth were venomous. They were no longer the honey she stuck to or got a sugar high from. Instead of enjoying the sweets with childlike innocence, eating to her heart’s content, she become foolish and stood in the kitchen with a mouth full of cavities. 

“Hello?” She heard Finn's voice echo from the living room. “Oh, hey Abby. Happy New Year.”

Clarke walked out of the small kitchen and leaned against the wall, cup of tea steaming in one hand. She watched as his brow bent closer together in confusion. 

“She didn't tell you I was back in town?” He looked up at her, his dark eyes scanning her own. The look he gave her sent a chill down her spine and the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end. When he turned his back towards her, she let out a shaky breath. That was the first time he gave her that look and something in those eyes she once adored terrified her. 

_He knows._

Her eyes widened when he takes back his short hair, turns around and practically stomped towards her.

“Your mother wants to talk to you.” He said plainly, handing her the phone. When he turned back and crashed into the sofa, Clarke retreated into the bedroom. 

“Hey mom.” She said as she sat in the edge of the bed. 

“Hey sweetie,” Abby's tone was curious, “why didn't you tell me that Finn was back?”

“He came back a few days ago. It surprised me as well.”

“Oh, well why don't you two come over? We need to do some major catching up with the wedding plans.”

“Oh,” Clarke stumbled on her words, “I don't know. Finn isn't feeling that well. He had a little too much fun last night.”

“Well I already asked him.” Clarke could almost see her mother's expression from her suspicious tone, ”He said it was fine by him.’

Did Clarke space out again and didn't hear Finn's confirmation? Did the unexpected fear with that one look he gave her send her retreating to her mind? She looked behind her at the clock resting on the nightstand and read that it was nearing noon. She sighed and looked straight ahead at herself in the vanity mirror. 

“Okay. We’ll be there around three.”

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The fire crackled as it consumed the wood, feeding on it for its much needed energy. She stared at how it danced and kicked her for her lack of a back bone. Her absentmindedness has caused her to be sitting in her mother's living room with Finn's hand on her knee as Abby and Marcus spoke inaudibly. The white enthusiastic smiles blinded her tired eyes and all she wanted to do was leap into the fireplace. The feeling of her flesh burning would be less painful than the lie that lingered on her tongue. Less painful than sitting here acting as if everything was business as usual. 

Clarke's eyes cut between the mime gestures of her mother and the inferno beside her. Watching her show Finn what little details they already had planned was like viewing a silent movie. Abby's mouth opened and closed as she spoke with him, but Clarke heard nothing. Their images were distorted as she stared at them, watching how one moment her mother's face slowly morphed into the face she really wanted to see. Soon Abby’s dirty blonde hair became a rich chestnut and her brown eyes turned green. Lexa replaced the image of her mother and Clarke let her mind wander to the early hours of that day. She could still feel that woman laying comfortably beside her; how her skin was so soft, Clarke could have sworn Lexa was made of silk. How her kisses were magic and her touch shot lightning through her veins. The way she made her name sound like a prayer in that darkness, both pleading and praising. 

“Clarke?”

She blinked out the green-eyed woman to see her mother looking at her with raised eyebrows.

“Is everything okay?” Her voice had a trace of laughter. Clarke cleared her throat and sat up straight, giving her mother a convincing smile. She caught a glimpse of Marcus looking at her - analyzing was the better word. Clarke looked down at the hand on her knee, biting the inside of her cheek again because she knows the look he gave her. It was the look he had when he found something out, something that Clarke tried to hide from him when he was her therapist. It was always useless to try to hide anything from him. So when she saw how he leaned back and crossed his legs, Clarke knew it was game over. 

“Yes. I’m fine.” Clarke lied and nearly winced when she saw Marcus cross him arms.

“Okay well,” Abby pushed a bridal catalog towards her, “we still need to pick out your dress and have it made as soon as possible if you want it to be ready for your big day.”

Clarke took the book and pretended to look at the different dress designs printed on each page. She grits her teeth when she feels Finn move closer to her, wrapping his arms lazily behind her, and looking at the pages with her. Him being this close felt unnatural to her. His breathing lapping into her was like a toxic cloud. His devilishly sly thumb finding its way under her clothing, cutting away at her bare skin. She shouldn't allow him to be this close and wasn’t going to allow him the pleasantries of her body anymore. She had made a promise and she was intending to keep it. 

“I'm sorry.” She whispered. Her eyes didn't leave the white frills of the dresses she thought she was going to wear one day. When she heard the questioning sounds of Finn and Abby she looked up at her mother, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill. “I'm sorry,” she repeated louder. “I can't do this.” She turned her head and looked at Finn's confused expression. “I can't marry you.” 

There it was. That loaded gun she held against her finally fired bullets in the form of words. She saw when they blasted into his chest, tearing holes into his heart. His eyes widened at the sudden impact and he pulled away from her, looking at her in disbelief. She took her shot and now Clarke had to watch him bleed out. 

“W-what?” Abby broke the silence, her eyes were razor sharp as she stared at her daughter.

Clarke's vision became blurry as tears built up, but her eyes never left Finn's. His disbelief quickly vanished and he flared at her as his jaw began working furiously. She knew he was angry, he had every right to be. He flew across that vast ocean because he was worried about her and how did she repay him? Drinks unintentional sex and resentment after the fact. He was angry with her and she was preparing herself for whatever backlash he was undoubtedly going to unleash on her. 

“Why?” He said in a low, oddly calm voice which was unnerving. Clarke shook her head, the tears finally falling, allowing her to see the mess she had made. Her mouth opened and closed as she was trying to search for the words, wanting to lessen the damage her heart needed to say. 

“Clarke, honey.” Her mother shifted a bit towards her. “You're just having doubts. It happens a lot. There's no need to call off the whole wedding.”

“No Abby.” Marcus said, still watching Clarke closely. “It's not one of those times.” Clarke looked over at her stepfather whose eyes were soft and filled with understanding. Having him there, someone who understood her on an intellectual level, gave her the strength she needed to handle this situation. 

Abby looked between them, still obviously not grasping what was going on.

“What are you talking about Marcus?” She threw her hands in the air. “Months ago, she was sitting right there with Raven and Octavia happily going over wedding plans. What could of possibly changed since then?”

“Lexa.” Finn uttered her name, almost snarling. 

Clarke looked at him, her eyes shifting between his. She knew that he knew. It was never a doubt in her mind, but hearing him admit her knowledge was painful nonetheless. She bit her lower lip and nodded. He finally looked away from her and she could practically see the anger steam off of him. He moved his jaw from left to right, opening and closing his fist repeatedly as if he was trying to get his emotions under control. He nodded at first, looking down at the coffee table that separated him from Abby and Marcus. Soon, the slow nod quickened in pace and in one abrupt motion, Finn stood and kicked the table making everyone jump from the unexpected action. He walked away as glasses filled with water or coffee crashed to the floor, spilling their contents everywhere. Clarke closed her eyes tightly at the sound of Finn's footsteps marching away and tried to keep her heart in her chest.

“I'll go talk to him.” Marcus followed after the irate man. Clarke opened her eyes and she watched as Marcus disappeared further into the house. From the corner of her eye, she could see Abby's head turn to look at her. She didn't dare to meet her mother's gaze, knowing that she'd see the disapproval and disappointment. Abby walked away with a huff and returned moments later with small hand towels. She moved the coffee table away and began to sponge up the water and coffee. Clarke sighed quietly before getting on her hands and knees to help with the spills.

The silent treatment her mother gave her could give Clarke gray hairs with all the stress she was feeling. The last time Abby was like this was after Jake died. Clarke remembered lashing out and disappearing for hours with Bellamy. When he finally convinced her to go back home, her mother didn't speak to her for a day. She was upset with her daughter for leaving her alone in a time where they needed to be together. She hated herself for leaving her mother and she hated herself for bringing her dirty laundry into her home. 

“Mom…” she said quietly, looking at her with big pleading eyes. “Please…say something.”

Abby's frown lined her face, making her appear to be older than she really is. She remained silent though, ignoring her child's plea as she continued to clean up the liquids. 

“Mom.” Clarke spoke with urgency, choking on the little sobs that cracked her voice. “I need you to say something!”

“Lexa.” Abby said in a cool tone, still preoccupied with the rug. “I knew she was trouble the moment I saw her.” 

Clarke sat back in her heels, looking at Abby in confusion.

“What are you talking about?”

Abby shook her head. “You're going to let an infatuation for someone you just met ruin everything you built with Finn?”

“You say that like this is easy for me.” Clarke gripped the towel in her hand. “You have no idea how hard this is for me. How hard I tried to deny my feelings for her. But I couldn't.” She forced a half-hearted chuckle out from between her sobs. “I can't explain it mom, but when I'm with her…it's like I can breathe again. Like all this time I was holding my breath, getting blue in the face and she opened up my lungs before I suffocated. She brings something out in me that makes me want to be my best self. Not for her. Not for anyone. But for me.”

“Do you hear yourself?” Abby looked at Clarke, lips perched into a frown. “Why are you saying these things when Finn is in the other room with a broken heart. Do you have no sympathy?” She stood up and looked down at her daughter. “Is this because she has money? That you saw how the other side lives and decided that's what you want?”

Clarke glared up at Abby, feeling the heat of anger rise up to her face.

“How can you say that to me?”

“Well, it is the only logical explanation for you to end a perfectly healthy relationship. You've been with Finn for how many years now? Three? And you're going to give that up for a woman you've only known for a few months?”

“I can't believe this.” Clarke stood up and looked her mother in the eyes. “You know money never mattered to me and to say that I'm leaving Finn because of it is a real testament. It tells me that you don't know your own daughter.”

“I just want what's best for you, Clarke.” Abby rounded the table and took Clarke's hands in her own. “I think you need to sleep on this. You're not thinking rationally.”

“You don't want what's best for me. You're _judging_ me. Don't judge my choices if you don't understand my reasons.” Clarke broke away from her mother's grasp and walked past her towards the back door. The afternoon chill sunk deep into her bones as she stepped out onto the patio and sat in the spot Lexa stood Thanksgiving night. She tried to not let her anger she felt towards her mother's words make its way into her heart, but the sadness of Abby's reaction wasn't forgiving. 

Clarke hugged her shoulders as she looked out into the yard that had patches of snow spotting the frozen ground. She rolled her eyes at herself for almost repeating her actions back in November by forgetting to put her shoes on, but she didn't want to go back inside just to be bombarded with more judgment from her mother. She heard the door open and close behind her but didn’t bother to see who intruded in on her alone time. When she felt a heavy blanket drape over her shoulders, Clarke looked up at the aging face of Marcus.

“Thank you.” She said quietly as she wrapped the blanket tightly around her. Marcus sat down beside her and sighed, the white vapors of her breath raising up into the gray sky. They sat there quietly on the wooden steps leading down to the large yard, but Clarke didn’t mind his presence. Him being there, silently giving her comfort, calmed her raging soul and she breathed in deeply. 

“Finn left.” Marcus broke his silence and slid his hands into his big coat. “I can take you home whenever you're ready.”

Clarke didn’t blame Finn for leaving. It was probably for the best that they didn't ride back to the city together. It would have made for a painfully awkward trip. She didn't know what he was going to say to him, let alone do, since his outburst was so unexpected. For as long as she has known him, Finn was never the type to lash out in anger. He was always goofy and never too serious. But when she thought about how he's been acting since returning home, Clarke had noticed things that she hadn’t seen before. Like his forgetful nature or his lack of etiquette. It was like a veil had been lifted from her eyes after meeting Lexa and now she was seeing things for what they really were. The thought of going back to the city and being under the same roof as him made her shudder.

“I can't go back there.” She said plainly, staring with unblinking eyes into infinity. “I have no where to go.”

“You could stay here.” Marcus offered. “I'm sure your mother would want that.”

Clarke scoffed. “I doubt it.” She pressed her lips together and shook her head when her eyes began to sting with tears. “You should have seen the way she looked at me, Marcus. Like I'm someone she couldn't recognize. Like I'm crazy.” She looked at him then, tears slowly making their way down her redden cheeks. “I just don't understand why she's acting like this. I'm her daughter. Isn't she supposed to support me and my decisions?”

“This news just took her by surprise.” He placed a hand on her back and attempted to soothe her. “I'm sure if you give her time, she'll come around.”

“Do you think I'm insane? For wanting to be with someone else?” She searched his eyes, trying to find the answer before it formed in his mouth. Marcus looked past her briefly before shrugging.

“I don't think so.” He shook his head slowly. “Love is not like all the other emotions. There are many layers when it comes down to it. People can say they love something or someone one way, making them certain that they will indeed continue to feel that way. But people are capable of changing. May it be voluntary or not and circumstances can change the way they feel about something. With you, I feel like you're finally figuring out what you want and what you want doesn't have enough room for Finn to fit in.”

“I feel like an asshole.” Clarke wiped away the tears that threatened to freeze on her face. “I feel terrible for doing this to him. I _do_ love him but it's not the same anymore. The love I have for him isn't the same anymore.” She buried her face in her hands. 

“I know sweetie.” Marcus shifted closer to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, bringing her in. “And that's perfectly normal. You're doing the right thing for him but more importantly, for yourself. Imagine how you'd feel if you went through with the wedding and married someone who doesn't make you happy anymore?” He leaned over and placed a small peck against her head. “You're doing the right thing.”

She has always known that Marcus cares for her like she's his own daughter. She might as well be since he has no children of his own. His actions that late afternoon made her really appreciate him. He never wants to take the place in her heart where her father resides. She loved him just that same. He had stepped in, taking two broken women and put them back together. If she didn't have her mother's support, at least she had his.

“Let’s go inside.” Marcus rubbed her shoulder enthusiastically. “It's freezing out here.”

“I'll be in in a minute.” She smiled at the friction and looked up at him as he rose to his feet.

“I'll go talk to your mother.” He smiled down at her and reentered the home.

Clarke watched as her breath clouded in front of her face and vanished into the winter sky. Her thoughts found her mother and she began wondering how she could reestablish their relationship. Maybe Marcus was right. Maybe if she gave Abby some space and let her come to terms with how things are going to be, they can go back to normal. As for now, all she was worried about was finding a place to stay. She knew that Octavia's things were already packed and on their way to London, so she wasn't an option. She could stay with Raven, but with Bellamy on his last days of his vacation, she wanted to give them space. She could just stay at a hotel until she finds a pet friendly apartment, but that'd just burn a hole into her bank account. Given her situation, it was her only option. 

She retrieved her phone from her back pocket and began searching for available rooms back in the city. Her fingers and mind betrayed her for she soon found herself searching through her contact list and started to call Lexa. The ringing vibrated in her ears and when the soft voice replaced it, Clarke couldn't help but feel relaxed.

“Hey.” Clarke smiled at Lexa's hello. 

“Is everything okay?” She could picture the worry in Lexa's face in her tone. Clarke knew she didn't need to tell her that it was finally over with Finn. The fact that Lexa would just know things made it easier for Clarke, but made her nervous at the same time.

“As good as it's going to get.” Clarke sighed. “I'm at my moms house at the moment.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“No.” The corner of her lips tugged upwards in a small simper. “Marcus is going to take me back to the city and I'm going to stay in a hotel until I find a place.”

“There's no need for that.” Clarke heard rustling in the background. “You can…stay with me.”

Her brows raised at the bold statement. She couldn't possibly stay at Lexa's place and fit every stereotype society would hold against them. Though she knew it must have been hard for Lexa to even entertain the idea of letting Clarke into her home. 

“I can't do that.” Clarke was trying to convince herself. “This situation is already…complicated.”

“Clarke.” Lexa didn't say anything else. Didn't need to say anything else. The moment in which she said her name, soft yet authoritative, was Lexa's way of saying: _Let me do this for you._ Clarke understands how she might feel, for if she was in Lexa's shoes, she would make the same offer. She wanted to be with Lexa and break society's rules and someone's heart in order to do so. Lexa was all in and Clarke needed to ante up.

“Okay.” She said quietly, feeling how her heart started to beat faster. “I should be back in town in a few hours.”

“I'll see you soon.”

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Her nerves screamed and rioted as they existed the expressway and weaved through the city streets. Clarke stared blankly out the passenger window as light music filled the car and the glow of the city stung her unblinking eyes. Turn after turn, she felt like she wanted to jump out of her body, escape the responsibility of finishing what she had started back at her mother's house. But she needed to go back. Go back to retrieve some of her things to hold her over until Finn leaves to finish his service over seas and Horus, of course. The feeling of excitement and freedom overplayed her frightened being for she was finally going to live life to _her_ standards. No longer was she a passenger in her own life, a spectator in her own world. Clarke held firmly to the wheel of her universe and wasn’t going to look back. 

Marcus pulled in towards the curb and idled in front of Finn's apartment building. She looked up at the tall structure, which gave off a menacing aura to her now.

“Do you want me to come up?” Marcus spoke when Clarke didn't exit the vehicle after a while. “Make sure everything's okay?”

Clarke swallowed hard and looked back at him.

“No. I'm sure he's cooled down by now.” She assured him and leaned over to hug him warmly. “Thank you, Marcus. I don't know what I would have done if you weren't there today.”

“I just want you to be happy, Clarke.” He returned the hug. He watched as she stepped out of the car and rolled down the window after she had closed it behind her. “Send me a message when you've settled in.” Clarke gave him a soft smile and followed the red brake lights of his car down the street until it was out of sight. 

Clarke slowly turned on her heels to face the building again. She looked at the front door, remembering the kiss she shared with Lexa. The image of them appeared before her like phantoms, making her smile and it encouraged her to walk into the building. Standing in the elevator was like watching a movie of how Lexa crossed the small space and pressed her lips against Clarke's. How they clinged onto one another, desperate and hungry. She opened the door to Finn's apartment, expecting to be confronted with retaliation, but found it to be dark and quiet. She was greeted by Horus’ meows as her footsteps filled the absence of sound. There was an eerie atmosphere in that place and she felt uneasy when she reached the bedroom. She took a deep breath in as she began gathering up items and clothes, placing them in a bag and she visualized the night she held Lexa in her arms. 

As Clarke finished packing and made sure Horus was comfortable in his crate, she walked into the living room only to see the front door open. Finn stumbled in, his dark eyes half covered by his droopy lids, and grinned lazily at her. 

“Good evening, princess.” He slurred and attempted to bow but teetered forwards. His feet pounded heavily on the hardwood as he tried to regain his balance. “What brings you to my humble abode?”

Clarke’s nose crinkled at the odor of alcohol and cigarettes coming from him. She sighed as she set her luggage down. 

“I needed to grab some things.”

“Ah, yes.” His body swayed as if he was being blown by the wind. “You're leaving me.”

“We can talk about this when you're sober.”

“No.” Finn's voice became harsh. “I want to talk about this now.”

“Finn.” She tried to not show that she was nervous by his body language. “I'll be happy to discuss this with you when you can think clearly. Otherwise,” Clarke bent down to collect her things, “I'm leaving.” She looked up when she heard footsteps stomp toward her and saw Finn's fury across his face. She shot up and raised her hands in defense as he grabbed her arms unbearably tight. Groaning at the pain, Clarke heard Horus hissing in his small crate as she looked up at his fiery glare. 

“Let go of me Finn.” She tried to remain calm, speaking to him in a cool, even tone to prevent him from being angered even more.

“How could you do this to me?” He said through gritted teeth. His breath reeked of something vile and Clarke fought off the urge to gag. “After everything I've given you? You're just going to leave?” His grip on her arms got tighter, making her wince. “No, you're not leaving. You belong to _me_!”

“I belong to _no one_ , Finn.” She hissed. “Now get your hands off of me!”

Clarke attempted to break free from his grasp by pushing forcefully against his chest. She began twisting her body from side to side to loosen his grip. She could feel his nails digging into her through her sweater and she was sure she heard the material ripping due to her thrashing. Clarke figured that her actions angered the intoxicated man enough to the point where he pushed her back and onto the floor in one quick, forceful motion. She placed her hands behind her to try to break her fall but ultimately landed hard on her back. She quickly scrambled to sit up and looked up at him with wide, terrified eyes.

He looked down at her, his short dark hair dangling in front of his eyes. His face was unrecognizable to her, twisted in anger and lack of sobriety. This was the first time she felt the paralyzing affects of fear. He towered over her, a dark statue she had once loved, breathing heavily from his adrenaline. His knuckles were white due to his clenched fists and Clarke tried to prepare for another possible attack. It seemed like days had past sitting on that floor watching the stranger above her, waiting to see if he'd lower his guard or continue his assault. She felt a wave of relief as the former became apparent. Finn's eyes widened and a horrified look formed across his face. With his mouth agape and the tension on his fists relaxing, he fell to his knees in front of her. 

“Oh, God.” His voice shook from the sobs that threatened to take over. “I'm so sorry, Clarke. I-I didn't…” he reached out towards her making her flinch. Finn quickly retracted his arm and moved away from her. “I don't…I don't know what came over me.” He lowered his head and he slumped forward. She heard him quietly weep before struggling on his next words. “I don't want to lose you.”

Clarke slowly rose to her feet, not letting her eyes wander from the broken man. The phone in her back pocket dinged delightfully and she reluctantly pulled it out from under her. The screen had a hairline crack running down diagonally in the middle of it; evidence of the hard fall she took. A message from Lexa flashed on the screen that said she was waiting for her downstairs. She grabbed her bag full of her belongings and picked up Horus’ crate. She said nothing as she walked past the man she thought she knew and opened the front door. Clarke looked back at Finn, who was still bent over, his shoulder twitching from his silent cries. 

“Goodbye Finn.” She said softly before walking out into the hallway and closing the door behind her. Clarke briskly made her way to the elevator and slammed the button over and over again as if it made any difference. Terror still clutched onto her, thinking that Finn would try to prevent her from leaving again. She stared at the white numbers above the silver doors of her escape as they slowly counted up to her floor, only making her that more anxious. Her heart raced when it finally arrived and she hurried in to occupy the empty lift.

Once the doors slid closed, Clarke leaned against the back wall and let out a heavy sigh. Tears stung her eyes when she tried to make sense of what just happened to her. How Finn struck fear into her heart with his unexpected violence. She tried to not think about the side he showed her and wanted to believe that he was still that goofy man she met that night at karaoke. Whose boyish charm initially made her fall for him many years ago still existed. She tried to convince herself that it was the alcohol that fueled his anger and that he was more rational without it. But the way he looked at her, with eyes like black holes, sent a dark chill down her spine. Maybe this is who he really is and she was now able to see it. She shook her head at herself, mad for being so foolish. All the signs were right in front of her: the way he introduced himself to Lexa by saying Clarke’s fiancé. A subtle way to say I claim her. Or how he lashed out at her mother's house when she broke the news to him. She shouldn't have trusted his sly smirks and venomous words for even salt looks like sugar.

The elevator dinged when it finally reached the ground floor. Clarke wiped away the streaks from her face and calmly walked out. As she approached the entrance of the apartment building, she could see a black sedan parked out front. Clarke breathed in deeply before pacing out into the night. Then the car door opened as she drew near the vehicle and Lexa stepped out, worry written on her face.

“Are you okay?” She cupped Clarke's face with both hands, her eyes searching for answers. Clarke sighed at her touch, not realizing it was what she needed.

“I am now.” She tried to smile. Clarke almost didn't notice Gustus until he came up beside them and took her bags. “Be careful with that one.” She pointed to Horus. She watched as the big man put the majority of her items in the trunk and took the crate with him into the car. When her eyes met with Lexa’s, she saw that her smile didn't convince the woman at all. Lexa's eyes trailed down the length of her body and stopped at the torn material on her sleeves.

“What happened.” She wasn't asking. Her green eyes grew tense when they finally look back at Clarke's. All she could do was shake her heard, not wanting to recount the event. “Did he hurt you?”

“I don't want to talk about it right now.” Clarke walked past Lexa to get into the car and looked back at the rigid frame of the woman. Her back was towards her and Clarke could see Lexa opening and closing her hand into a tight fist. “Lexa…” her voice trailed in the cold night. She waited until she turned around to face her. “Let’s go home.” She felt the butterflies spur up in her stomach at the mention of home. She wasn’t planning on using that word. It just slipped out and it felt right. It was as if her subconscious already planted the idea that home is where ever Lexa is. She watched as Lexa breathed in deeply, her jaw clenching, and entering the car after Clarke.

They swayed back and forth in the backseat as the car drove over the bumps in the road. It was quiet between them and Clarke could practically see fumes coming off of Lexa's poised shoulders. She looked over at her, saw how those tired eyes burned through everything it looked upon. Clarke reached over and took her hand in her own and leaned in to kiss Lexa's overworked jaw. She watched as those blazing eyes dulled to quiet embers and her shoulders slumped. Lexa turned her head to look at Clarke with determination yet saddened eyes.

“No one will ever hurt you again.” She said quietly. “You're safe with me.” She sealed her promise to Clarke by planting a soft kiss on her forehead.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Her hand squeaked against the foggy mirror as she wiped away the condensation until she saw her image. She sighed as she looked at the bags under her eyes and how her face looked as if it had aged ten years over night. The last month has taken a toll on her emotionally, mentally, and her bones felt old and brittle. She looked at the vessel in the mirror as she brushed away the tangles in her sun-kissed hair. With each stroke, she felt her body relax, breathing in deeply as she weaved out the literal and metaphorical knots. She brushed out Finn's drunken rage, her mother's disapproval, and that mysterious force that tried to keep her from what she really wanted. _Who_ she really wanted. 

Clarke walked out of the humid bathroom, a towel firmly wrapped around her, when she was done with her nightly routine and stood in the dimly lit room she woke up in that morning. She couldn't help but smile at the sight of Lexa, who sat with her legs crossed on her bed with a pair of glasses donning her face. She was slightly hunched over and her eyes were fixed on the laptop in front of her as she slowly rubbed a sleeping Horus in her lap. Seeing her there, in her big t-shirt and typing away on the keyboard, felt so normal. It was casual and felt like they've been doing this for years. 

Clarke padded across the room towards Lexa and smiled when she looked up at her. All the focus Lexa had on the laptop was now on her and Clarke watched as she leaned back against the head board as she made her slow approach. Lexa's arms were crossed when Clarke finally reached the bed and a curious smirk carved her face. Clarke smiled as she closed the laptop, set it aside and urged Horus off of Lexa's lap. She could feel the woman’s green gaze all over her body and she locked eyes with her as she reached over and slowly removed Lexa's glasses. 

“These are cute.” Clarke whispered as she placed them on the bedside table.

“What are you doing?” Lexa matched her tone, her curious smirk now amused. Clarke shrugged playfully as she climbed onto Lexa's lap, straddling her, and subsequently exposing her lower half. 

“What I want.” She smiled when Lexa's brows raised in interest and bent down, kissing her softly. The feeling of Lexa's lips against hers made everything outside that room melt away. The worries of tomorrow were silenced in her mind and all that held importance was the woman beneath her. The feeling of Lexa's soft hands curiously sliding up her thighs liberated her. How they purposefully teased past and away from her womanhood and up the length of Clarke's torso. With a slow and calculated motion, Lexa's determined hands loosened the towel off of Clarke and tossed it aside. 

The sudden chill that came over Clarke's nudity sent a rush of excitement through her. Everything was going too slow for her, too slow for the dash in her veins. She grabbed Lexa's face in blind ecstasy and engaged in a messy kiss. Her tongue desperately slid back and forth with Lexa's as she rocked against the woman's body. She let out wet moans at the feeling of the fabric of Lexa's shirt rubbing against her sex. Clarke felt the woman under her shift into a seating position and when Lexa grabbed her arms, she flinched at the unexpected pain that shot through her. Lexa broke free from her lips and looked at her with wide, worried eyes. Clarke followed Lexa's fingers as they traced the bruises that were forming. Her heart dropped when she saw Lexa's eyes turn hard and she tilted the woman's head up so she could look her in the eyes.

“It's okay.” Clarke whispered. “I'm okay.”

Lexa frowned. 

“Are you sure…” she paused and looked down at their bodies, “that _this_ is okay?”

“Lexa…” she kissed the corner of Lexa's frown. “I want you to take me…” Clarke moved back and saw that now those tired eyes were fixed with lust. Clarke smiled into the kiss Lexa gave her, feeling every emotion surging through the chestnut haired woman. Feeling how Lexa's hands stroked her back like she was a painter and Clarke was the canvas. How Lexa's lips hesitated to separate from Clarke's, as if she'd suffocate if they were to detach. How she quickly made work of the clothing that bound her, kept her away from the warmth of Clarke's embrace.

They rocked together on the New Years night, moaning into each other’s mouths as they finally merged into one being. Knuckle deep in one another as they took in the flavor of the other’s skin, listening and understanding the wants in their sounds of passion. Clarke never had such an attentive lover like Lexa. It was like she was tuned into her every want and executed every one of them without a word being spoken. Clarke finally knew what it meant to actually belong to someone. Not as their possession or a trophy but as an extension of ones self. She belonged to Lexa. Was now as much as a part of her like her slender arms, her long legs, or her own beating heart. Clarke pictured herself laying there as Lexa's hands ran up her body, as she took Clarke into her mouth. She rocked her body with the motions of Lexa's tongue, seeing how her hand fisted the woman's dark locks to hold her there as she felt her climax rising. How her mouth opened, letting out erupting moans and how her body quivered after finding her release. She has never seen herself so delightfully satisfied or felt the electric kisses left in Lexa's wake as she travelled up Clarke's body. She tasted herself on the woman's lips as Lexa pitched her slit against Clarke's thigh.

Lexa was hers. Clarke knew by the way she clinched onto her, searching for her own liberation, allowing herself to be taken. When she met her tipping point in exclamation, falling limp on top of her, Clarke knew that Lexa belonged to her. Their lungs heaved euphoric sighs and Clarke trailed light fingers up and down Lexa's damp back. Lexa's head found its place at the nape of her neck and as their legs entangled each other and their bodies settled, Clarke's mind was fixed on one thing: Lexa in her reflection. She doesn't know why that subject burned in her head right after being intimate with her and every attempt to shake away the thought was flawed. She tried to make sense again on why she saw Lexa's image all her life and why after they met, Clarke saw herself.

She replayed the passionate moment she just had, remembering Lexa's every touch, her kisses, and adored how connected they were. _Too_ connected. As if they were truly one being. She looked down at their bodies, seeing how they molded together perfectly. _Too_ perfectly. Her brows bent closer together when that oddly shaped sculpture about the Greeks mythology on how people were split in two entered her thoughts. She was frustrated at herself because why would she think of these things when all she wanted was to be in the moment with Lexa. 

Why were these two thoughts so profound at the most inconvenient time? Maybe her mind was trying to tell her something, trying to finally piece together what it meant to have Lexa in her life. Why from the moment they met, they always gravitated towards each other. How empty and alone Clarke felt when she wasn’t in the presence of Lexa. How she just gave up everything she had to be with her. People always said there's a person out there for everyone and it was pure luck if they found each other. Clarke didn't think it was luck that brought them together. Their strange happenstance felt more, in fact, like fate. That maybe her reflection was telling her something rather than showing. That maybe it was telling her that Lexa appeared in her reflection because they were one being bound infinitely together. Only until fate played its part, did Clarke finally see her true self.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well now! I hope that was worth the wait. This chapter means a lot to me believe it or not. Chapter seven starts to show how ugly life can be but also how everything comes full circle. Again, I'm sorry it took so long to update. I really hope you guys like this chapter as much as the previous chapters. I can't wait for your feedback.
> 
> I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a Happy New Year. Be safe in the final days of this year and, most importantly, have fun! Look. Don't Touch will be updated next year. I'm aiming for January-February. 
> 
> Much love,  
> Naomi


	8. Cherophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy really belated Valentine's Day! Haha I hope everyone had a good day whether you spent it with a special someone or not. I just wanted to say that there shouldn't be a designated day to show someone that you care, that we should show love and admiration to people every day. Also, it is important to practice self love. I strongly believe that we should love ourselves before anyone else because at the end of the day, the only person who has your back is you. 
> 
> I do apologize for the delay on this chapter but I did meet my deadline so that good! There isn't much I could say about this chapter other than I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> ~Naomi

“Does it feel weird being back here?” Raven huffed as she set down a box of Clarke's belongings. 

“Sort of.” Clarke sat on the floor in the middle of Finn's living room. He was back over seas and she was packing up the rest of her belongings with the help of her friend. “Not to be dramatic, but I kind of feel like I had Stockholm syndrome and I'm returning to the scene of the crime.”

“Damn Grif,” Raven snorted, “I didn't think it was _that_ bad with Finn.” She looked down into the box with Clarke's clothing. “I mean he didn't even rip up your clothes.”

“Rae…”

“Maybe something _is_ wrong with him.”

“Raven.”

“I would have been like-“ Raven took a shirt from the box, threw her head back and pretended to tear it apart, “ _AAAH!_ ”

“Raven! You're not helping!”

The apartment reverberated the dark-haired woman's laughter and Clarke chewed on her inner cheek, trying to remind herself that she was only joking. She forced the muscles in her face not to portray what she felt inside as she listened to the laughter die down to a quiet chuckle. Clarke breathed in deeply, feeling her nerves relax as her lungs expanded and released it slowly out her nostrils.

“It wasn't all that bad with him.” Clarke paused, remembering the last encounter she had with Finn. She closed her eyes and tried to repress the resenting feelings she had towards him in her stupor. “I just realized that sharing a life with him wasn't what I wanted.” She watched Raven’s reaction carefully, trying to see if her words triggered any retaliation. When Raven answered with a small shrug, Clarke pressed her lips together. “Have you heard from him lately?” 

“The last time I spoke to him was the day his furlough was up.”

“How's he doing?” She was genuinely curious.

“Well,” Raven heaved, “what can you expect from a man who just lost the love of his life?”

Clarke lowered her heard from the stab of guilt piercing through her. She knew it was a foolish question and who better than Finn's best friend to push in the knife deeper? Raven, in all her happy-go-lucky nature, was still capable of giving her the uncensored truth of the situation. No matter how much Clarke would like to not look truth in the face, it had to be done.

“Look,” Raven scooted across the floor and nudged Clarke with her shoulder, “this is an impossible situation that I'm in. You two are my best friends and it sucks to know that you guys didn't work out, but I get it. People change. I mean, when I think about when I first met Bellamy, I thought he was this overbearing jarhead that needed to get off his high horse. Now look. He's going to be moving in with me once he's down with his tour.” Raven took Clarke's hand and laced their fingers. “I guess what I'm trying to say is that you've changed. For the better. Ever since you've ended things with Finn, I see how happy you are now. That silly little twinkle in your eye is back and you're smiling again. I love you both and I'll continue to do so, but I think you guys breaking up was for the best. Finn's a tough bastard so don't worry about him.” Raven released her hand and wrapped her arm around Clarke's shoulder, pulling her in. Clarke's head found its place on her friend's shoulder and she could feel the guilt slowly pull out of her. 

“Thanks Raven.” She said quietly. “I don't know what I'd do without you.”

“Yeah well,” Raven rubbed Clarke's arm before letting go and shifting back over to the box she brought out, “let's stop with all this emotional stuff and get back to work.” She looked down at the box then around the apartment. “So where are you taking all your stuff?”

“I'm going to put most of it in storage.” Clarke said as she wrapped up boxes. “Just until I find a place of my own.”

“Trouble in paradise already?” Raven ported a cheeky smirk. “Domestic bliss not what you expected?”

“No, no. It's not like that.” She paused and stared into oblivion. She welcomed the warm feeling that spread across her chest as she thought about the last month. “Everything has been…perfect.”

“If it’s so perfect,” Raven scoffed, “then why are you still looking for a place?” Her face lit up indicating that something clever popped in her head. “I mean that's what you guys do right? U-haul and all.”

Clarke stared at her in dismay, unsure if she should laugh at the remark or throw the ring of packing tape at the woman holding back her laughter. She shook her head and with a smile on her face, Clarke continues to tape up boxes. 

“Sometimes I don't know whether my best friend is an oversized child or an actual adult.”

“Easy. A child. Who wants to adult nowadays?”

_____________________________________

 

She sipped on her tea in the early hours of the February morning as she scrolled through apartment listings on her laptop. She sat quietly at the kitchen bar listening to Horus’ rustling as he ate his breakfast beside her and sighed as she watched the clock on the screen inch closer to when she had to get ready for work. She knew she should probably spend this time eating her own breakfast, but she's been loitering in Lexa's home for almost two months now and she didn't want to over stay her welcome. Clarke knows that Lexa didn't mind her staying and she'd be lying if she said she didn't enjoy waking up next to Lexa every morning. She had learned a lot since staying at the penthouse. Like how Lexa owned the entire building, how she had the elevator custom made with a security measure (that's why there was no button for the penthouse and it was controlled by the main desk), and how Gustus was not only her driver but her personal body guard. Clarke didn't understand why someone needed so much protection, but she didn't question it. Even though she enjoys the feeling of being safe, the fact of the matter was that she didn’t want to depend on anyone any longer. All her life Clarke depended on everyone for something: her parents for safety, Marcus for counsel, her friends for validation and Finn for “love”. She'll be damned if she uses Lexa for shelter.

Her eyes narrowed at her own thoughts. Shelter. Lexa sheltered her, physically and emotionally. In her stubbornness to become independent, Clarke never realized that she certainly depended on Lexa for all of the above. Lexa provided safety to her after her altercation with Finn. Gave her counsel when her mother would call and refuse to accept her daughter’s decision. She supplied validation when she questioned herself.

_And love…_ she thought, _well it’s far too early to determine that._

Then why did her feelings oppose her inner thoughts? She didn't want to call it love, but she couldn't deny the complete feeling she has when she's with Lexa. The word “love” didn't fit right when trying to describe what she felt. When she thinks about the time she's been living with Lexa, Clarke figured that she hasn't really loved anyone if this is how people are supposed to feel with their significant other. She thinks about how her heart swells when she laughs or how every time she looks at Lexa, she was in awe. The way Lexa moved or the subtle expressions she portrayed when she talked about something she enjoys. She could watch her for hours. Lexa was special and in Clarke's world filled with art, nothing could compare to her. _She_ was art. 

“What are you thinking about?” Clarke jumped at the voice that broke the silence and looked to her right to see Lexa emerging from her peripheral. She donned that familiar smirk Clarke had become accustomed to. She watched as Lexa poured herself a cup of coffee and wondered how someone could make something so mundane look so graceful. Clarke blinked rapidly when Lexa leaned against the counter in front of her and raised a brow in curiosity.

“Oh, um…” she looked down at the laptop only to see her reflection on the now black screen. Clarke bit her lip knowing that she no longer had an excuse to give the woman. She breathed in slowly and smiled at her. “You.” Lexa took a sip of her coffee in an attempt to cover her bashful smile, but Clarke could see how her confession took root in her. 

“Have you thought about what I said?” Lexa said after clearing her throat and regaining her composure.

“About living with you or about the job offer?” Clarke closed the laptop and leaned forward, crossing her arms on the bar top.

“Both.”

“I don't know Lexa.” Clarke sighed and shook her head. She looked past her and out the large window next to the kitchen. “I don't want to bother you with me always being here. As for the job…” she looked back at Lexa's waiting eyes, “I’m not sure I'm cut out to be a photographer.” 

She watched as those green eyes dropped down to the cup of coffee which she played with in her hand. Lexa abandoned the cup, rounded the counter, and turned Clarke in her swivel chair so that she stood in between her legs. Clarke was use to her doing this. It was her way of letting her have some authority even though Lexa was still in control of the situation.

“I wish you would stop doubting yourself.” Lexa said quietly as she played with one of Clarke's loose blonde locks. “I've seen your photos. I’ve even watched you paint the skyline from the terrace. You are brilliantly creative and I know you enjoy what you do at the museum, but I want you to grow as an artist _and_ as an individual.” Lexa smiled down at her but her eyes remained serious. “As for staying here,” she took Clarke's hand and brushed her lips on her knuckles softly, “you don't bother me. You give me something to look forward to when I get home.” 

Leaving a kiss on her hand, Lexa stepped away from Clarke and made her way towards the door. Before she turned the corner of the oddly placed wall, Lexa peeked back over to her and smiled. 

“At least promise me you'll call Anya’s studio. See what she has to say.”

“Okay. I will.” She smiled back and watched as Lexa disappeared. “Have a good day!” She shouted as she heard her footsteps on the hardwood floor become more distant. 

“You too!” Lexa's distant voice echoed joyously through the home and Clarke couldn't remove the smile from her face. Lexa was happy. She could tell by the tone of her voice or in the little bounce in her step and knowing that made Clarke happy as well.

She hopped off the stool and made her way upstairs to get ready for work, but her thoughts ran circles around Lexa. She was amazed at how gentle she was even though Clarke knew had been brutally broken by her past. Yet she still had the courage to start something new with Clarke. To throw every caution sign away and to take a chance on the mess that is Clarke. She knew that Lexa didn't see her as such. She could tell by the way those eyes looked at her that Lexa adored her. She was starting to believe that real endearment doesn't meet anyone at their best. That it'd meet people at their absolute worst and in their mess.

_____________________________________

 

_Two…three…five?_ Clarke counted quietly to herself in the upstairs bathroom, feeling more aware of her rapidly increasing heartbeat. She had just come back from her meeting with Anya and she sat on the rim of the tub counting and recounting. _How long has it been?_ Her forehead creased and she gripped the edge of the tub until her knuckles turned white. _I'm…I'm late._

Clarke looked up and stared at herself in the mirror, wishing she could see anyone but herself. Her blue eyes glared back at her and her lips were pressed together tightly. She wasn’t sure if she was angry, terrified, or both but the next few moments flashed across her gradually blurring sight. She wasn't losing consciousness, it was tunnel vision. Clarke had a mission. She saw herself hail a cab, purchase an ominous pink box, take the ascending elevator to the pent house, and relieve herself on the foreboding white stick. 

She found herself back on the rim of the bathtub glaring between the stick on the counter and herself. She wondered how she got here. How, before realizing that her cycle was overdue, she was riding on the high of being given an opportunity to become a professional photographer. Now, she sat there as reality was setting in and her utopian state was quickly disappearing. She couldn't control her nerves, couldn’t control her shaking leg as the seconds ticked by until the menacing stick told her the truth. She gripped at her thigh, bit at her nails and slowly stood up when she decided enough time had passed. Her steps were slow and heavy as she inched towards the bathroom counter, feeling how her heart was overloading with apprehension. She hovered over where the stick rested on the counter and looked at herself before daring to look at the results. Her mouth was slightly agape and she could visibly see herself shaking. Clarke closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, opening and closing her hands to control her nerves. When she felt like she had some sense of control, she lowered her head and forced herself to peek.

Clarke felt like the floor had dropped out from under her and she was falling. Helpless. Hopeless. Her knees nearly buckled from under her and she grabbed onto the bathroom counter to steady herself. She looked at the pink lines on the little screen in dismay, trying to convince herself that these tests weren't accurate. She wanted to take another, but something inside of her told her that this is reality. _This_ is the truth. That terror came in all forms, especially two skinny pink lines. 

_Pregnant._

She picked up the test and held it between her forefinger and thumb as she slowly backed away; sitting on the cold tile floor. With her back against the white tub, Clarke runs her fingers through her hair getting caught by knots that tugged at her scalp. The pain kept her tethered to that world and didn't allow her to seek any solace as she stared at the stick. How could she have been so reckless? How could she have let this happen? When she thought that everything was finally coming together, finally looking up, life deals its hand and Clarke loses. After all, the house always wins. 

Clarke heard the distant echo of the elevator dinging and a new wave of panic rushed through her. Lexa was home early which was unusual for her and Clarke scrambled to her feet. What is she going to say to her? How is Lexa going to react to the fact that she's expecting? Their relationship was new and coming off the trails of Clarke's baggage and she wasn't too entirely sure how Lexa would take the news. Maybe she doesn't have to tell her. Maybe she should just - _no._ Clarke couldn't allow her thoughts go down the road of not telling Lexa and getting rid of it. She needs to tell her. Clarke discarded the test, slowed her breathing and made her way downstairs in search of the woman. 

“Hey, Lexa?” She called out as she reached the first floor. She heard Lexa's voice from the terrace and frowned when she noticed that her tone was anything but collected. Clarke reached the double doors that led out to the open landscape and saw Lexa pacing in the late afternoon light.

“We have to get in front of this.” Lexa said in a harsh tone. “If word gets out that Polaris is-“ when she turned to continue her uneasy pace, she realized that Clarke was standing at the door. “Clarke.” She said in a softer tone. She moved her phone away from her ear. “Can you give me a minute?” 

Clarke pressed her lips together briefly before nodding and closed the door behind her. She walked slowly to the other side of the wall, slumped down onto the sectional couch, and turned on the tv. It was tuned into it's default news channel Lexa watches regularly and Clarke's gaze was on the anchors, but her focus was elsewhere. She has never seen Lexa so troubled before. Clarke debated whether she should even bring up her situation to Lexa or just wait until whatever it was troubling her to smooth over.

The low voice of the male journalist pulled Clarke out of her thoughts when the word “Polaris” was uttered. She reached for the remote and raised the volume to a more audible amount.

“The mega weapons company is said to lead continued research of the advancement of nuclear technology in the United States. This comes as a surprise since Polaris’ new CEO, Lexa Woods, made it public knowledge that she intends to move the company in a different direction; moving it away from being America’s biggest weapons manufacturer to becoming a source of new technology that'll benefit not only American lives, but the lives of people around the world. It is said that Titus Woods, COO of Polaris Industries, will spearhead the project, stating that ‘this is a new era for Polaris –‘”

“Clarke.”

She looked over to her right and saw Lexa standing a few feet away from her. Her green gaze surveyed the television screen and there was a flash of anger before her attention was on Clarke.

“Did you have something on your mind?”

Clarke stared at her momentarily before looking back at the tv. She watched how the journalist’s mouth moved without sound and began to wonder if she really heard what was said. She wasn’t going to pry into matters that didn't concern her and she never really vocalized her disapproval of what Lexa's company did, but something about it rubbed her the wrong way. 

“What is he talking about?” Clarke looked back at Lexa who shoved her hands into the pockets of her slacks.

“Can we talk about something else?”

“Your company is going to develop nuclear weapons?” She shifted her body so that she was fully turned towards Lexa. “Like the government needs anymore.”

“Clarke…” she sighed and looked down at the ground. 

“And you told people that you were going to change the company? To create something better for society. How can you go back on your word?” Clarke knew why they never talked about Polaris’ dealings. Lexa knows how progressive Clarke thinks and therefore, out of respect, never brought work home with her.

“It wasn't my decision.” Lexa's expression was conflicted. Both sadness and frustration marked her face and Clarke could tell that she was telling the truth.

“Then how could you let that happen?”

“My motion was denied. The board deemed it as ‘unprofitable’.”

“The board?” Clarke was confused and felt her face twist to express such emotion. “What do you mean? Isn't it _your_ company? Don't you control what happens there?”

“It’s not that simple.” Lexa stood there like a statue. Her face was hard and stoic but her gaze remained soft. Clarke huffed and shook her head.

“’It’s not that simple’.” Clarke mimicked condescendingly. “When is _anything_ simple with you?” She glared at the woman. The sudden anger that stirred inside of her confused Clarke, but she didn't do anything to cease the strong emotion. She watched Lexa carefully, seeing her as a potential foe, expecting whatever back lash the woman was forming behind her lips. 

“Is something wrong, Clarke?” Lexa tilted her head slightly, her voice practically cooing. “I feel like your anger is misdirected.”

Clarke blinked at that statement, feeling that she was indeed taking her emotion out on the one person who wasn't at fault. She turned away from Lexa, trying to subside the feeling of frustration and worry that brew together. Lexa has been so warm and kind. For her to stand there and just take the brunt of Clarke's attack was a testimony on how Lexa will always be there for her. But how can she tell her about what was really the cause of her sudden outburst? How can Clarke tell the person she cares so deeply about that she's with child?

“Clarke?”

Her emotions must have been written all over her face for Lexa's tone was concerned and Clarke heard her footsteps approach her. A warm hand was placed on the spot above her knee and Lexa's thumb timidly stroked her thigh. Clarke tried to pull a smile out, appreciating the comfort the small act provided and how adorable she found Lexa to be about still not knowing whether its okay to show physical affection.

“What's wrong?” Lexa lowered her head so she could see Clarke's face. Her heart raced. Her stomach tingled with a brooding force. Clarke couldn't look Lexa in the eye, refused to see the softness in those green embers turn cold with resentment. But the truth will leave her lips and hang in the orange glow of the late afternoon. Clarke took a sharp breath through her nose and released it slowly through her mouth.

“I'm–“ her voice cracked, feeling as if she was choking on the words. Clarke swallowed the dread hard before continuing. “I'm pregnant….” It was a whisper. The two words shook through her teeth as tears stung her eyes. Admitting the truth pained her and she shook her head at the fact that just some months ago, she would have been ecstatic by the news.

Clarke focused on Lexa's hand, observed how her thumb froze from its soothing motions. She saw Lexa turn her face towards the television from her peripheral and dared herself to see what damage those two words caused. Lexa's face was hard, her jaw was set due to her clenching her teeth behind closed lips. Her body went rigid with tension, but her hand remained on Clarke's thigh. The warmth of her hand now scorching her to the bone.

“Are you sure?” Lexa said quietly, her tone stuck between curiosity and displeasure. She turned her head again and searched Clarke's eyes, the green of her iris’ were intense. “Are you _absolutely_ certain?”

Clarke felt the blaze behind Lexa's eyes, but also felt something that was unfamiliar coming from her. Anticipation? Condemnation? Whatever those eyes wanted to show, Clarke did recognize that well known feeling of fight or flight. She thought that feeling inside of her died the moment she started staying with Lexa. Thought that everything was beginning to be, in her opinion, perfect. But nothing is perfect. Nothing in this world is defined as perfection. Not when it came to Clarke's life. 

“It's early,” Clarke tried to hold back her treacherous tears, “I’m late. I – I took a test and – and I know how they're not a hundred percent accurate but…but – “ She couldn't hold back her sobs. The world felt like it was spinning and at any moment, Clarke would be thrown into the emptiness of space. The thought didn't frighten her though. She wanted to be rid of this world and its earthly consequences. Wanted to crawl into the smallest hole she could find and stay there. She hears Raven’s joking words mimic in her head: _who wants to adult nowadays?_

Clarke now understands the meaning behind those words. Who would want to lead a life the way she has? Working at a dead-end job. Tip-toeing around what she says to her mother in order to prevent another fight. Leaving her boyfriend of three years, that she was planning to marry, for a woman she barely knows. Finally, discovering she's pregnant with said ex-boyfriend’s child. The cherry on top. No. Nothing is perfect. Nothing is _simple._

Clarke could feel her pieces falling apart as fast as the ornate sun hid beneath the skyline and the blackness of the starless sky taking its place. Her hot tears eroded her cheekbones. She could feel Lexa's eyes burning holes into her head, feel how the air around them grew more tense with each passing second. She could feel how the silence between them wasn't welcomed and endangered their budding relationship. Clarke couldn't take the absence of words a second longer. She wanted to get away, get some air before she suffocated in the rigid atmosphere. Clarke shot up from the couch and, without even thinking, made for the elevator. She could hear Lexa calling out to her but the slamming of her finger on the button to call the elevator muted what the woman said.

Her ears were pounding as the elevator doors finally opened. She blinked away the tears that blurred her vision as she rushed into the box and ordered it to the lobby. Clarke faces the back wall, holding tightly onto the railing. Resting her forehead on the cold wall, she closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. 

“Breathe, Clarke.” She told herself. “Breathe.”

Soon she felt her heart ease and the air in her lungs didn't feel like needles every time she inhaled. Clarke turned around, fully leaning her body against the elevator’s wall and stared at the digital number above the door count down. 

_10_

Her reflection was hazy in the silver doors but she could see how calm her exterior looked despite the storm the reeked havoc in her heart and soul.

_7_

She doesn't know why she ran from the one person she could find peace in. Watching the numbers tick away made her remember what happened on New Years Eve.

_5_

Cheerful shouts echoed in her mind as she recalled the emotionless eyes of Lexa in the dim light. How she wasn't willing to go any further with Clarke upon Finn's return.

_3_

Maybe that's why she ran. Clarke didn't want to have to go through the agonizing feeling of losing Lexa again. She couldn't take how disapproving and curious those emeralds looked. How that sharp prominent jaw was tight, holding back criticizing remarks.

_Lobby_

The doors slid open and Clarke stepped out slowly. She couldn't be certain if Lexa was going to scold her but she didn't want to take the chance. All she knew was that she wanted to get away, be alone and collect her thoughts before facing Lexa again. Clarke made it out of the entrance of the building and was greeted by the cool February evening. The weather was forgiving, to her relief. The harsh winter was quickly retreating as spring was just around the corner, ready to stretch its legs. She looked down the street, seeing a few pedestrians casually commuting and decided to join them in numbers.

She kept her head down and hands in her pockets as she slowly trudged the sidewalk. She had no destination in mind, just one purpose: alone time. The cool breeze from the nearby river whipped against her face as the tall buildings became scarce and Clarke soon found herself walking parallel to the murky water. She walked slowly by the railing, watching how the small ripples timidly danced along the stone walls that contained it. The city lights gleamed and twinkled as the sun took a bow and the soft orange glow was kicked out by the black curtain of night. The salt in the air somehow relaxed her nerves and her mind as Clarke took in a deep breath, feeling an ease wash over her. She couldn't recall how long she had been walking for, but thanked her feet for leading her to this spot in the city. Living in the middle of a bustling metropolis has its benefits but nothing compared to the sight of the wide river that led straight to the ocean.

Clarke leaned against the railing, looking across the river at the other side of the massive city; looking at everything but seeing nothing. _So, this is it._ She thought about the past few months and how everything fought with and against her. How her head and heart felt as if they were at war within her again. But with war didn't come destruction, with war came creation. A chance to start anew, to create something beautiful. She looked down at her stomach and placed her hand over her navel.

“This is my life.” She said quietly to herself. “A beautiful struggle.”

_____________________________________

 

She didn’t know what time it was when she finally returned to the penthouse- to her _home_. It came to no surprise when she saw that the lights were still on for Lexa, and herself, became accustomed to not sleeping alone. Clarke sighed, feeling guilt ridden that she left in such a manner and not sitting down and talk through her situation. Could anyone blame her though? Clarke's life has been flipped upside down with the news of being pregnant and she needed to get away for a moment. She knew that Lexa would be itching to have a conversation on the matter, but she was entirely too tired to deal with what could come out of it.

Clarke didn't seek out Lexa like she normally would but, instead, made her way towards the stairs with a hot bath in mind. She didn't make it halfway up the stairs before Lexa called out to her from the other side of the wall.

“Clarke.”

She turned around to see Lexa walking into view. Her expression was unreadable as she approached the foot of the stairs.

“Lexa…” Clarke said her name with a sigh. “I don't want to talk right now. I just want a bath and to go to sleep.”

“I was actually just wondering if you would like me to make you some tea.” Lexa gave her a sincere smile.

Clarke stared at her for a moment. She was thrown off guard by Lexa’s non-confrontational demeanor that she just stood there with, most likely, a dumb expression. She wasn't sure if she had even told Lexa the news about her maternity by how she was going about it as if nothing happened; as if she didn't run away and came back home at, probably, an ungodly hour. She blinked, hesitating on her next words.

“Y-yes.” She finally managed to say. “I'd love some right now.” Which wasn't a lie. She watched how Lexa’s smile expanded before she turned on the balls of her feet and retreated to the kitchen. Clarke's head was cocked to the side as she tried to make sense of Lexa's calm behavior. Any other person would have chased her down after revealing such a life changing event and running from having to deal with speaking about it. Any other person would go insane with worry if their partner came home in the middle of the night without so much as a phone call. Any other person would be demanding an audience no matter how late it was because it would be foolish to leave things unsaid. But Lexa wasn't like anyone else.

When most people would react, she'd simply observe. When most people would speak, Lexa would listen. Now, when most people would reprimand her on her behavior, Lexa was making her tea. Lexa wasn't like anyone she had ever met before and maybe that's exactly why she was with her. When life threw everything at Clarke, including the kitchen sink, Lexa was the one helping her clean up the mess.

Clarke continued up the stairs feeling just a bit better than when she came home, but the fetus growing inside of her overshadowed what little relief Lexa provided. She ascended slowly, feeling heavier than moments before. The thought of getting rid of the baby became more prominent with each step she took and she cursed herself for allowing these thoughts to manifest. She shook her head, visibly ridding such horrible images as she reached the top and walked into the bedroom.

A brown spot on the dark sheets of the bed caught Clarke's attention, making her steer away from her route to the bathroom. Her brows bent in curiosity as she approached the bed and recognized the fluffy material of a small teddy bear. The bear was such an oddity, creating a color splash against the dark bed and being obviously out of place. She tried to remember if this bear had always been there, but nearly laughed at herself for Lexa wasn't the type to gain possession of such things. Taking the bear in hand, Clarke examined the toy like it was an alien device. She relished the feeling of its soft fur against her finger tips and smiled at the memory of her own childhood bear. 

The teddy bear was cute in design having big dark marbleized eyes, a hard-plastic black nose and rosy pink paws. Clarke noticed “Press Me” written within a red heart on its left paw and promptly did as instructed. An instrumental tone of a nursery rhyme filled her ears and her heart began to flutter. This bear was certainly a new addition to the room, just like Clarke was expecting a new addition in her life. She spun around when she heard someone clear their throat and saw Lexa leaning against the doorframe, hot cup of tea in hand and a soft smile across her face.

“Lexa…” her name trailed off of Clarke's lips. She watched as Lexa looked down at the cup in her hand and pushed herself off and away from the door.

“You left in such a hurry,” she said as she walked over to Clarke, the smile never leaving her face, “you didn't give me the chance to speak my mind.”

Clarke couldn't stop looking at the woman stepping closer to her, even when she couldn't see her through unsure tears. Lexa's body was so close to hers that Clarke could feel the heat of her skin radiating off of the slender woman, making her aware of how cold she actually was. The bear shook in her hand with anticipation of Lexa's next words. The beating of her heart and the butterflies in her stomach threatened her sanity.

“To be honest,” Lexa's voice was calm as she set down the steaming cup of tea on the bedside table, “there are no words great enough to depict my thoughts and feelings on what you told me.”

Clarke's eyes followed Lexa's fingers as they feathered across her hand and played with the bear’s tiny ears. 

“I know what I said after you told me wasn't as considerate as I would have liked, but I was caught off guard. As anyone would be. I know you're angry and maybe disheartened by your now fragile state, but know that I'm not.”

“Lexa.” Clarke felt the tears roll down her face. Her voice was shaky, but not with fear. She watched as Lexa shook her head slowly, a now timid smile marking her face.

“Just listen…” Lexa's voice was so soft that if they weren't centimeters apart, Clarke would have missed it. “What ever happened in your past will stay there. I will not judge you. Ever.”

She turned fully towards Clarke and closed the minimal gap between them. Her slender fingers traced Clarke's features so softly and slowly that she wasn't really sure that Lexa was even touching her.

“All I care about is the here, the now, and what will be. What ever decisions you make with your life and your body, I'll support you. I'll be here every step of the way. For as long as you'll have me.”

Clarke couldn't believe what she was being told. She couldn't believe how kind and gentle Lexa really was. Any other person would leave. Any other person would not be so benevolent and forgiving. How did she ever go along with what Octavia had said about Lexa and thought that she was heartless and cold? When day after day, Lexa shows that she's a better person than Clarke will ever be; than _any other_ person will be. Lexa has her faults but Clarke couldn't see them anymore or rather just saw them as another part of her, like her dark hair or her glinting green eyes.

She looked down at the small brown bear in her hand and realized it was more than just a child's toy. It was yet another promise Lexa has made her. Another sign of affection she became accustomed to showing. It was a symbol of their new relationship: small and soft, but the promise of the future. If there were any doubts left in her about keeping the baby, they were all silenced by the child’s song that rang in the large room previously.

When she looked back up at Lexa, Clarke felt that unfamiliar feeling she had earlier when she told Lexa the news. She could feel it when she looked into those eyes, feel it in the phantom touches against her skin. It was so unfamiliar to her because she has never experienced the emotion coming off of the woman in front of her. _Love_. Real and unconditional.

“I-“ Clarke's breath hitched in her throat. She didn't know what to say. Couldn't express the thoughts and feelings coursing through her. The only things she could muster up was that single syllable.

She reached out to Lexa, pulling her in by the waist with her free hand. Tears continued to stream down her face as their lips touched, feeling everything all at once. Gratitude. Appreciation. Comfort. _Love_. She couldn't control the sobs that made their way out of her throat. Couldn't control the way her arms wrapped around Lexa, holding her so closely and tightly against her. When they separated, Clarke buried her face in Lexa's neck, no longer trying to control the tears that burned and blinded her. She tried to speak, to say anything that'd express the weightlessness that took over her body. The words came out a jumbled mess of sobs and inaudible mumbles. Lexa hushed her attempts and began to sooth her by stroking her hair. She didn't need any confirmation from Clarke, didn't need her to put what she feels into words. Clarke knew the kiss they shared told Lexa everything.

Clarke's sobs soon died and silence enveloped them. The heaviness of her body evaporated and the news of her pregnancy no longer loomed over her like a curse. Yet, Clarke still held on to Lexa, still feeding off the comforts and security she provided. Another strange and unfamiliar feeling came over her just then. The feeling told her to not let go of Lexa, to hold on tight. It was as if she'd never have her back in her arms if they separated now. Clarke began to think that no happy moment would last and the negative force would always win.

_____________________________________

 

“What?!” Octavia and Raven shouted in unison. Clarke looked at the screen of her laptop, watching as the expression of her friends’ face mirrored each other.

“Are you serious?” Octavia’s camera feed showed Clarke that night had fallen over on her side of the world. Her face changed from shocked and surprised to unconvinced and mildly annoyed.

“Yes.” Clarke said after swallowing down her frustration towards her. “I went to the doctor and they said I'm about eight weeks along.”

“Have you told Finn? Abby?” Raven seemed more excited than concerned.

“No.” Clarke said quietly. “The only people who knows are you guys and Lexa.” She paused, dreading the eventual conversation with her mother. “I don't know what I'm going to say to either of them.”

“Well,” Octavia's eyes narrowed slightly, “how did Lexa take the news?”

“Surprisingly well.” Clarke buffed out a sigh of relief. “She's been really supportive about everything.”

Octavia grunted.

“Who knew.”

Clarke couldn't understand why Octavia was hostile towards Lexa. Many would think that after receiving a high position in their career, directly from the CEO no less, that they'd express some form of affinity for said person. She understood that her friend held a strange dislike for society and was certain that if they didn't grow up together, Octavia would have disliked Clarke just the same. When Clarke opened her mouth to retaliate against her negatively, Raven quickly interjected.

“So, what you're saying is,” her dark brown eyes were beaming with exhilaration, “I'm going to be an auntie? _We're_ going to be aunties?”

When Clarke happily confirmed, she frowned at Octavia's scoff.

“What's going on with you O? You seem more on edge than usual.” She watched as Octavia pressed her lips together and brushed her fingers through her long black hair.

“I'm sorry Clarke.” She said with a sigh. “There's just a lot of things going on with work and with Lincoln.”

“I could only imagine how you feel being alone in a country with no friends or family.” Raven’s excitement died down.

“England isn't that bad. Yeah, it’s a little disorienting to not have you guys around, but Luna has been really helpful getting me settled.”

“So, what's going on?” Clarke didn't want the conversation to sway in a different direction. She saw how Octavia hesitated before replying.

“Well Lincoln and I haven't been on the best of terms since I came out here.” Octavia looked as if she was lost and defeated; traits that were abnormal for the young woman. “We're not used to being apart for this long. Hopefully we'll get to see each other soon.”

Clarke fully understands how Octavia feels. When things became serious with Finn, it seemed unbearable to be away from him when he was deployed. There was little to no advice to give her, thinking that bringing up her ex-fiancé would further agitate Octavia. Instead, she remained silent, listened to the concern in her voice, hoping that Octavia could feel her empathy.

“You said you're basically getting along with Luna,” Clarke changed the subject, “so how can work be a factor?”

“There's some talk about a power struggle back in Polaris.” Octavia was whispering as if she was worried that someone would over hear.

“A power struggle?” Clarke said in confusion. “Between who?”

“Who else? Lexa and her uncle.” Octavia seemed surprised. “Ever since Lexa took over, her and Titus have been at odds. Mainly for the direction Lexa wants to take the company. There's word that even the board wants to vote her out. She hasn't told you?”

“No.” Clarke's brows furrowed. “We don't talk about her work.”

“It’s like walking on eggshells over here.” Raven finally spoke. “Titus wants me to be the lead engineer on his new project. Which is awkward for me since I report directly to Lexa. But you know, he's like second in command. If they do vote her out and if I don't follow orders now, I could lose this job.” Raven’s features twisted in concern briefly before snapping back into excitement. “Anyways, we should start planning a baby shower!”

“Isn't it a bit too early for that?” Octavia seemed to be preoccupied by whatever was on her phone. Clarke observed as her friend's brows bent together and after a short pause, she continued. “Hey, sorry guys. I have to go. I'll talk to you as soon as I can. Love you, bye.” Her camera feed immediately shut off and a message saying _This user is offline_ appeared in its place.

“Well damn,” Raven scoffed, “something must be up. I have to get back to work before they have another reason to sack me. Call your mom, Griff. Talk to you later.”

Clarke closed her laptop and stared at the ember dancing in the fire place. She sat quietly and wondered why she couldn't feel the warmth against her skin. So many factors plagued her mind and emotions that she couldn’t pin point the root of what was troubling her. Was it Octavia's attitude, Lexa's career at stake, or the fact that she needed to pick up the phone and call her mother? The only thing Clarke cares about, in great measure, was Lexa. They've both been home more lately since finding out she was pregnant. Clarke has resigned from her job at the museum to finally pursue photography and Lexa has given the excuse to be readily available should Clarke need any assistance. But she knew better. She knew that Lexa didn't want to be in the office. She didn't want to have any unnecessary confrontation between her uncle or any of the board members. It was strange to see such inaction from the normally authoritative woman and it made Clarke feel helpless to see doubt stain Lexa's eyes.

She looked up towards the black staircase that led up to their bedroom where Lexa made herself busy with work. Normally, she wouldn't disturb her during working hours, but Clarke decided that maybe it was time for them to talk about work. Leaving Horus by the fire, she made her way up the stairs, thinking about what she'd say to Lexa. When she entered the room, she saw Lexa relentlessly typing away at her laptop. Her glasses were halfway down the bridge of her nose, hair up in that impossibly perfect messy bun, and piles of papers were scattered across the bed. Clarke softly knocked on the doorframe and when Lexa looked up with a smile, she walked towards her.

“Do you have a minute?” Clarke stood at the foot of the bed, fidgeting with her finger. “To talk?”

The smile didn't leave Lexa's face.

“Of course,” She began to gather up the piles of paper and motioned for Clarke to sit next to her on the bed. “Is everything alright?”

“I was going to ask the same of you.” Clarke said as she rounded the bed and sat next to Lexa. She watched as her smile dropped and her eyes hardened slightly.

“What do you mean?”

“Polaris.”

Clarke almost regretted uttering that word when she saw Lexa's jaw set in place. By saying that word, she admitted that she knew more than Lexa wanted her to know. She remained resilient when the woman's eyes became icy.

“I know we don't talk about your work, at my request, but after that day I told you I'm pregnant, you've been on edge." Clarke took Lexa's hand in her own. “I didn't see it then but I see it now. Whatever is happening in Polaris, you can talk about it with me. You're always willing to listen to me and my problems so what kind of person would I be if I don't do the same?”

Lexa looked down at their hands for a moment before sighing. She removed her glasses and pushed away her laptop. Silence filled the room and Clarke could feel how the air around them became thick with tension. There was conflict in Lexa, like she was battling with her emotions. Clarke knows how strong Lexa wanted to appear, how she wanted to seem like nothing affected her, but she knows that even the strong walls of Jericho eventually broke. A person could only take so much before their strength is beaten down.

“In the months since I've taken the role of CEO, it hasn't been easy.” Lexa said after what seemed to be hours sitting in silence. “I was suppose to take hold of the company when I turned twenty-five, per my father’s will, but I refused. I told my uncle that I wasn't ready and that I needed more time. The truth is…I didn't want to continue my father’s legacy.”

Clarke carefully watched Lexa's face and all the emotions in her eyes. There laid pain and resentment, but also a hint of pride. She knew Lexa was a proud woman, having more power and respect than any one she ever knew but she was also contradictorily humble. She never let it get to her head, never thought that she was better than any one else. Clarke was glad that she was here with her in these moments for God only knows how many nights Lexa would crumble from the weight of her life.

“My family has profited off destruction and the death of many people.”

Lexa shook her head briefly before continuing.

“I was unfortunate and _fortunate_ enough to not know the man my father was. If I was groomed to be just like him. To be ruthlessly aiming for higher profit and acclaim for Polaris Industries. Everything I did, everything I've learned was to be the future of the biggest privatized military company in America and, one day, the world. I loved learning about Polaris. Loved that it had the newest and best technology. Loved the fact that Titus was feared and respected and to know that I too would have that. Then I met Costia…” Lexa's voice trailed off. Her normally tired eyes looked haunted and Clarke could see the past flashing before Lexa.

“It was a month before my twenty-second birthday and I learned more about myself and what I actually wanted. She helped me learn that I didn't want to continue this life of blood money and that if I wanted to see the world change, it'd have to start with me.” Lexa managed to melt out a sad chuckle. “I know that one person can't change the world, but it didn't hurt to try. My goals changed in the years that followed. Instead of being the protégé of my uncle, I aspired to learn how to use our resources to better society. Plotting in secret to change Polaris all the while appearing to be business as usual. Then she died…and my dreams with her.”

Lexa's eyes became glassy. Her cheeks, along with the tip of her nose redden from the sudden heat that rose in her face. Clarke shifted closer to her and positioned herself so that she sat behind Lexa, cradling the emotional woman. Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa to support her physically and emotionally. She wanted to say something, anything to let her know that she wasn't and won't ever be alone. But she couldn't. This was her time to listen. There was no need for a reply.

“That's why I told Titus and the board that I wasn't ready.” Lexa regained control of herself. “My uncle didn't mind of course. He’d do anything to have some sort of power to his name. Then came the day where I didn't care about anything anymore and decided to take my birth right, but under no guile to alter how Polaris operated. I was becoming my father's daughter and I felt no remorse in taking money from corpses. And what better way to show my upcoming dominance than to acquire the sword of a ruthless conqueror?”

Lexa peeked over her shoulder to look at Clarke. “It's funny how falling into ocean eyes can bring you back to the surface.” She smiled shyly. She looked down and played with Clarke's hands softly.

“I found myself again and from the moment I took control, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. Instead of building bombs and firearms, I wanted to build solar panels and windmills for energy. I was to bring the luxuries we have here to countries that have none. I wanted to help people not bury them in rubble and death and with Luna's help, my dream was to become reality. That's also why I hired Raven, why Octavia is with Luna. They were all a part of the bigger picture, all held to secrecy until everything was ready to be presented to the board.  
Little did I know, Titus had a plan of his own. Securing Polaris in a deal counterproductive than my own. The rest you know.”

“Can you just…” Clarke shrugged, “fire him?”

“Titus has a better standing with stockholders and the board than I do. He’s practically untouchable.”

Clarke was left dumbfounded at Lexa's confession. She didn't think she had that much of an impact in Lexa's life and the fact that her world was filled with betrayal. No wonder Lexa looked stressed and exhausted when she came home from work; why she decided to work from home. She was fighting a war against her uncle and her company: a war she could not win. Lexa fought a war within herself to do what was expected of her and what she wanted to do. Every single day she was fighting a war in her head and Clarke knew nothing about it. Lexa's smiles lied and hid the truth underneath. She was kind and always attentive to Clarke that she never noticed how the way those green eyes became shadowy. Lexa has been brutally broken but still had the courage to be gentle to Clarke and she deserves a love deeper than the ocean itself. She was so used to seeing Lexa being strong that she forgot that she was a young woman battling her own demons.

Clarke remained silent. There was nothing she could say to fill the space that was more beautiful than silence. So, she just sat there and held together the broken pieces of Lexa. She remembered the first time they were like this: late at night and speaking of death and regret. It was strange how life has a way to make things come full circle and how death was never too far from Lexa. 

_____________________________________

 

Clarke only blamed herself for the ringing in her ear after finally calling her mother. Abby was both parts ecstatic and furious at her for her delicate stage and for telling her so late. Clarke couldn't very well tell Abby that she dreaded the idea of telling her after what happened between them. Her feelings were completely justified when Abby started lecturing her about going back to Finn.

_How could you expect Lexa to help you take care of a baby that's not hers?_ Clarke could still hear her mother's voice in her head. _You need to go back to Finn. It’s the only right thing to do._

Of course, she'll say that. If Abby knew how Finn threw her to the ground in his drunken rage, Clarke knew her mother would be offering different advice. But the divide between mother and daughter left Clarke in a precipice state. On one hand, she was finally being who she wanted to be, doing what she absolutely loves and is genuinely happy with Lexa. On the other hand, Clarke felt completely isolated from her mother. They were always so close and, at times, relied on each other for support. To know that there's a wedge in their relationship devastated her. Clarke couldn't understand why Abby was so steadfast on not supporting her own daughter. She couldn't count on both hands the number of times she screwed up and her mother was still by her side through them all. Was being with Lexa, changing careers, and pregnant with someone else's child so unfathomable? 

_Think about it._

She did. Clarke thought about the last three months leading up to where she is now: Standing in her bedroom, staring down at the river and city below her. She made drastic changes in her life since the new year had started and to someone on the outside looking in to her life would say she was going through a quarter life crisis. Leaving someone she was going to marry for another, leaving her comfortable and stable job for an unpredictable one, and now ten weeks pregnant. Was this her idea of having the life she wanted? The life she controlled with no outside dictation? Clarke couldn't help but think that maybe her mother was right. The freedom she demanded came with a hefty price and she wasn't so sure that she wanted to pay it.

The sound of the elevator reaching the floor echoed quietly and Clarke bit her bottom lip. She didn't know why these sudden thoughts of insecurity and doubt filled her head. They weighed down on her and made her feel like she, indeed, was not in control after all. The footsteps on the metal staircase resonates into the bedroom and Clarke didn't bother to greet Lexa when she walked into the room.

“Hey.” Lexa had become accustomed to speaking informally around her. She could feel those eyes on her when she didn't respond. “Clarke,” her tone was now concerned, “is everything alright?”

Clarke chewed on the inside of her cheek for a moment before answering.

“I just called my mom.” She still had her back to Lexa. “I finally told her.”

“I'm guessing it wasn't a good conversation.”

Clarke felt steady arms wrap around her and she could see Lexa's faint reflection from the glass window. She could see that the features were calm and Clarke loved the feeling of her being close. All the previous feelings of doubt escaped her the moment Lexa held her. It was exactly what she needed: to feel safe, loved, and secure. She didn't want to imagine going through this without her.

“Well, she's excited to be a grandmother.” Clarke managed a smile. “The excitement stops there though.”

Lexa pulled her in closer, nuzzling her neck for a moment before resting her chin on Clarke's shoulder to look out the window with her.

“She doesn't like me.” Lexa said plainly. There was a small silence before she spoke again. “Looks like I'm going to have to do something about that.” She said with a displaced glee which made Clarke's brows furrow. Lexa planted a quick peck against her cheek before stepping away from Clarke.

She turned to Lexa then, seeing a sly smirk on her face as she began removing her work clothes (she was back in the office with Clarke's encouragement). Folding her arms over her chest, Clarke watched as Lexa sat on the edge of the bed, seeming to be amused with herself. It was strangely relaxing to see her no longer be at her wits end like she was some weeks ago, battling her own thoughts. Clarke was always in awe with Lexa when she remained silent and her eyes observed everything and nothing simultaneously. She could never figure out if she was day dreaming or carrying the weight of the world.

“What do you mean you'll ‘have to do something about that’?” When Lexa only replied with her silent smirk, Clarke walked over to her and stood in front of Lexa as she removed her shoes. “Lexa, you're not going to do something…crazy are you?”

“What’s your definition of crazy?”

“Send a hitman to remove my mom from the picture.” She replied jokingly. The laughter that erupted from Lexa filled her heart.

“Don't be silly, Clarke.” Lexa's smile was big and blindingly white. Soft chuckles still slowly rolled out of her as she unbuttoned her shirt. “I was thinking about planning a trip up north for the summer. I have a summer home by a lake just an hour from your mother's home and I was thinking that you, me, Abby, and Marcus could spend a weekend there.”

Clarke stared down at the half naked woman, trying to figure out her motive for inviting her parents for a getaway.

“Why would you do that?”

Lexa's smile started to fade away, but it still lingered faintly on her pink lips. She looked up at Clarke then, her eyes were heavy with sentiment.

“I know how much you miss having your mother there when you need her. I would be lying if I said I wasn't the cause of the discourse between you two. If she doesn't see what I see, she can't see how happy you are now, how much you've grown in such a short time. I believe that once she sees it firsthand then maybe things can change.”

Why is it that every time Lexa decides to open up, she continues to amaze Clarke? She sees the sincerity in Lexa's eyes and how much she truly cares for her. Lexa was trying to make things better for her, to make her happy. She was a fool to think that things probably won't work with Lexa and the baby. It was clear that Lexa was willing to do anything to make sure she was content and Clarke resented herself.

“Thank you.” Clarke said quietly, looking down at her hands. Lexa stood up and placed a slender finger under Clarke's chin to lift her head up. Her heart fluttered when Lexa's lips met hers. She never could get used to the feeling of soft lips against her own. Every time they embraced, it felt like the first time.

_You're going to destroy her._

Clarke pulled away from Lexa, her eyes widening at the sudden thought.

“What is it?” Lexa's head was cocked slightly.

Clarke stared at her and didn't understand why everything felt like it was slipping through her fingers. She couldn't grasp why she felt like she wasn't allowed one moment of solace with Lexa. With every validation she provided Clarke, no matter how wonderful, it placed more doubt and guilt in her heart. Was she being selfish expecting Lexa to take the heavy load of providing for a child? To be okay with everything Clarke laid at her feet? Lexa has already done too much for someone who didn't deserve such kindness and Clarke began to wonder what exactly she had to offer. For the months that they've been living together, Lexa had to endure Clarke's insecurity, her drama with her mother, the relentless shedding of Horus, and mood swings. She denied the possibility that this will end happily. After all, happy endings are only for fairytales.

“Clarke?” 

She blinked out of her daze and saw worry in Lexa's eyes.

_Look. You're a burden. You're more trouble than you're worth._

“I'm…” Clarke cleared her throat, “I'm fine.” She lied. “I was just thinking about my next doctor’s appointment.”

Lexa's eyes scanned her own and before they dropped to look down at her stomach, Clarke could see that knowing look of being caught in a lie.

“When's your next visit?” Lexa didn't look back up. She was unreadable as she allowed her thumb to caress Clarke's belly. Her stomach clenched at Lexa's soft touch, but knew all too well that those eyes were hard as emeralds.

“In about two weeks.”

Lexa nodded, adding nothing more. She stepped away from Clarke then and headed towards the bathroom. Clarke watched as she removed her bra, exposing that unique tattoo down the middle of her back and let down her long dark hair. Usually Clarke would enjoy watching Lexa undress. This seemed different. _Lexa_ seemed different.

Lexa looked over her shoulder, her eyes were dark with peculiar intent.

“Care to join me?”

There was a need in Lexa's voice that Clarke recognized. It was the same need that was buried deep under her negative conscience that deafened the positive whisper. There was a need to reconnect. So many things had happened since the year had started that they didn't notice that something had driven a wedge between what they wanted: to just to be together. Lexa wanted to go back to that foundation, so how could Clarke deny her of that?

Clarke tried to smile genuinely but felt the sadness seeping through the gesture. She nodded slightly and made her way over to Lexa who stood like a statue when she turned fully towards her. No words were exchanged when she took Clarke's hand and lead her into the bathroom. Clarke was left standing there as Lexa prepared the shower, her feet unbearably cold on the tiled floor. She began to remove her clothing but was stopped when Lexa silently stepped into her space and allowed herself to remove her clothing for her. Nothing was richer but everything was deliberate. Lexa's eyes became soft but focused on her clothing, letting her silence and subtle touches against Clarke's skin speak for her. 

The air soon became thick with steam and she stood bare in front of Lexa for the first time since she found out she was pregnant. It wasn't Lexa's fault that they hadn't been intimate. It was the gully that Clarke allowed to form a barrier between them. The ever-growing evidence of her mistake. The way Lexa's hands ran over her body, how they were slow to explore its change, made that barrier slowly chip away. Clarke was starting to feel like her old self in Lexa's hands and relished the way her lips met with her collar bone. Her actions felt almost methodical, the way her kisses left Clarke wanting more. How her touch burned and soothed Clarke's delicate skin, pumping ecstasy into her veins.

In her daze, she didn't realize she was led into the shower and was now under the relaxing hot water. It seemed as if Lexa's hands never left her body, never wavered from what she wanted to do. She kept their bodies close as the steady stream rained down on them, as if she knew something Clarke did not. She watched Lexa with lazy eyes as she started to bathe her. With a soapy sponge in hand, Lexa lathered Clarke's physique. She paid each limb the same amount of attention and Clarke understood what intimacy really meant. With each sudsy stroke, Lexa was submitting herself to Clarke. Humbling her being to her needs. Cementing the foundation of what wasn’t being said through white, soapy patterns on her frame: _I give myself to you._ Intimacy wasn’t confined to sex, Clarke realized, it was so much more than that. It was more about giving one’s self away to the other. More about connecting on an emotional level than a physical one. The simple act of washing one’s lover is more about benefiting the one they’re bathing instead of themselves. Clarke was blind to this knowledge and silently thanked Lexa for teaching her, yet again, what it means to love.

_____________________________________

 

When she thought it couldn't get any worse, the ultrasound revealed something she didn't anticipate. What had she done to deserve what life was throwing at her? Was she a terrible person in the past and life decided it was okay to unleash its wrath on her now? Clarke tried to focus on the road, but she gripped the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles turned white. Lexa sat quietly in the passenger seat, mindlessly tapping away at her phone as they made their trip up north. It was finally summer and Clarke wished for the cruel cold nights of winter again. Being in ninety-degree weather at twenty weeks pregnant seemed like a battle. The ultrasound results had haunted her every day since her ten-week appointment and the doctor’s mocking voice echoed in her head.

_Congratulations, Ms. Griffin! You're having twins!_

Clarke demanded a recount as if the doctor could possibly have been wrong. _Twins_. Of course, it had to be twins because being pregnant with just one child wasn't enough. It didn't help the fact when she told Raven, she followed it up with Finn having “super sperm”. She tried to avoid any mention of him, knowing that he was back from deployment and Clarke had yet to tell him she was expecting.

Lexa, on the other hand, never ceases to show the capacity of her heart. When she found out that Clarke was expecting one more, Lexa went out and gave Clarke another teddy bear which was almost identical to the first. Instead of the light brown fur and dark eyes, the second was white and its eyes were distinctly blue. Even though she tried to hide it, there was a warmth pouring out of Lexa's heart and Clarke found herself drowning in it. She has never heard her say “I love you”. Maybe because it was still too early to say it or maybe it was because she didn't need to. People say “I love you” in many different ways. It’s there when she says “good night” and when she brings Clarke her cup of tea. It’s in the words, “have you taken any new photos today?” Or how she holds her close at night. No, Clarke has never heard Lexa tell her “I love you”, but she says it in everything she does.

Clarke peeked over at the woman periodically as the roads went from three lanes to two and finally it was one winding road. She enjoyed seeing Lexa casually sitting there with her elbow resting on a propped up leg, combing her fingers through her wild locks as she navigated Clarke off the road and onto a dirt path. She caught Lexa looking at her as the tall green trees opened up to reveal a long gravel driveway, a smirk elegantly chiseled onto her face. Curiosity formed as she looked back to the driveway, wondering what had Lexa so amused. It wasn't long until the gravel formed a culdesac and her eyes widened at the structure just beyond it.

It wasn’t a cabin and it wasn't a regular home found in suburbs, it was a mix between the two. Built mainly out of tall windows, dark wood, and gray stone. Clarke parked the car and gawked up at the two-story lake house. To her left, through the slim tree trunks, she could make out the shimmering ripples of the lake. She looked over at Lexa who still smiled at her.

“This is _yours_?”

Lexa nodded.

“Do you like it?”

Clarke looked back at the home, wondering how could something look as if it had come out of a story book.

“It's amazing,” she sighed delightfully. “Do you come here every summer?”

“No.” Lexa turned away from Clarke to look up at the building. “I haven't been up here for quite some time. I finally found an excuse to come back here.” She looked at Clarke, giving her a smile. “Come on. You'll love it inside.”

As they exited the vehicle, the sound of an approaching car grabbed their attention. Clarke recognized Marcus’ car and her heart dropped. This was the first time seeing her mother in about four months and she didn't know how to act. Her discomfort must have been visible for she felt a gentle hand on the small of her back and turned her head to face Lexa. She didn't say anything but her eyes were comforting and her smile was soft and reassuring. The small gesture was quick but it resonated with Clarke and having Lexa by her side made her reunion with her mother bearable. 

“Clarke!” Her mother practically screeched when she stepped out of the car. Clarke noticed how Lexa shifted away from her slightly when Abby came up to them. “Oh, look at you!” She said when they hugged. “You look absolutely stunning. You're glowing!” Clarke tried to keep her “glowing” composure when her mother's face grew obviously stern when she turned to greet Lexa. 

“Lexa,” she said with forced content, “it’s lovely to see you again.”

Lexa's steel backbone was set as she shook Abby's hand.

“And I, you.” Clarke was surprised that Lexa managed a sincere smile.

“Ah, Clarke.” Marcus walked up casually and hugged her. “Thank you for inviting us, Lexa.”  
Unlike Abby, his smile was genuine and his tone was grateful.

“No, thank you for coming.” Lexa shook his hand as well. “Please, come inside. Do you need help with any of your belongings?”

“Oh, no that's alright.” Marcus smiled gingerly.

“Well then,” Lexa nodded slightly, “if you'll follow me I'll show you to your room.”

With Abby's arm looped in hers, Clarke watched as Lexa didn't bother with their own luggage and made for the front door. She didn't know what her mother was playing at by acting like no time had passed since they saw each other. As if the last few months weren't filled with short arguments on the phone. What ever the case, Clarke wanted to soak up this connection with Abby.

When Lexa opened the door, she stepped to the side so that everyone could enter. The outside did nothing to express the sheer size of the lake house. Clarke’s eyes rose to the high angled ceilings and down to the warm color of the wood floors she walked on. She nearly had to contain her girlish gasps upon looking out the tall windows to her left which displayed a patio and then eerily clear water of the lake just yards away. The walls were an off-white color and somehow made this place feel homey. Just right of the windows looking out to the lake were a set of stairs that wrapped around behind a fire place made of the same stones as the house. To her right was a large open kitchen with steel appliances and above it she could see the balcony of the second floor.

Clarke looked at Lexa, who seemed to enjoy watching her and her parents take in the sight, with a slight smirk on face. Without saying a word, Lexa led them up the stairs and onto the second floor. Just like their home in the city, the second floor had beige carpeting. Lexa directed them to the right down a short hallway and opened a door to a sizable room.

“Abby, Marcus,” Lexa allowed them to step into the room, “this is your room. You have your own bathroom right there to the left for more privacy. Settle in and make yourselves at home.” She smiled at them, ignoring Abby's unamused expression.

“Thank you, Lexa.” Marcus wrapped an arm around Abby's shoulder and returned the smile. Abby's demeanor seemed to have softened at his touch and Clarke was surprised to see a smile spread across her mother's face.

“It’s my pleasure. If you'll excuse us.” Lexa placed a bold hand on Clarke's shoulder, ushering her out of the room. She could feel her mother's glare burning into her as they turned and walked down the hallway.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” she said in a low voice in order to avoid her words bouncing off the walls. She looked at Lexa who still had a smile.

“Relax Clarke.” She was calm which made Clarke envious of the feeling. “We're here for four days. There's no need to waste a vacation by worrying. Enjoy yourself. Everything will be okay.”

She wasn’t able to understand how Lexa was so at ease with her mother blatantly showing her disinterest towards her. Any other person would be stumbling over their words upon receiving the glare of the mother of their significant other. Lexa, on the other hand, glided through the second floor towards another bedroom without a care in the world. Her expression was unaffected by the stares and cold tone of Abby that Clarke began to realize that Lexa was used to facing adversity. She stands her ground with corporations, with the people she works with, even with her own uncle. Lexa was used to dealing with a difficult situation. So, what made a disgruntled mother any different?

When Lexa opened the door to the room that they'd be sharing, Clarke immediately walked over to the large window that over looked the vast lake. Tall green trees from across the body of water filled her eyes and she could almost feel the cool water lapping her skin.

“It's so beautiful here.” Her voice was breathy, still in awe of the landscape. “I don’t think I'll be able to ever leave.” She smiled when Lexa came up behind her. Clarke leaned back against her, resting her head on Lexa's shoulder as her arms wrapped around her.

“We can come up here when ever you'd like.” Her voice hummed in Clarke's ear. “I'm going to get our things. You should rest.” Soft lips pressed against her cheek and Clarke missed the warmth that left her when Lexa exited the room.

She knows she should rest after driving for hours but, how could she? This place looked as if it jumped out of a Bob Ross painting. She hadn’t seen this much green in her life or seen a lake so breathtakingly tranquil. Clarke could spend the rest of her life here. Trade in the hard asphalt roads, the gray city skies, and the horrible traffic for all of this.

Finally tearing herself away from the window, Clarke removed her shoes and decided to explore the home. The second floor was bigger than it looked: holding two additional bedrooms and what seemed to be a red room of sorts. She actively avoided the room in which Abby and Marcus were in when she heard their muffled voices going back and forth. Instead on intruding on a conversation she didn't want to be apart of, she descended down the stairs keeping her eyes on the glistening lake. Smiling at the quaint landscape, Clarke turned her attention towards the gray stones of the fireplace. Her brows bent in curiosity upon seeing photographs on the mantle and stepped closer to look at them better.

There were just three frames decorating the fireplace. Clarke wondered why they were here and not back in the city with Lexa. Two of the photos had a single woman with long dark hair and light eyes. She smiled at Clarke beautifully, creating dimples in her cheeks and a familiarity in Clarke's heart. In the last photo, the woman was accompanied by a man whose face was stern, but kind all at once. It was a very candid photo, the type that Clarke loves to capture. They were caught in the moment, smiling in each other arms. Both completely in love.

“My mother.”

Clarke jumped at Lexa's voice and turned to face her standing at the front door. Lexa smiled and walked over, setting down the luggage she was carrying at her feet. Clarke watched as she picked up one of the frames, trying to read the woman's expression. Lexa scanned the photo with lazy eyes, as if she had looked at it over and over again.

“You look a lot like her.” Clarke tried to smile. 

“So I'm told.” Lexa sighed placing the frame back in its place.

Clarke cupped Lexa's face, urging her to look at her and away from the photos. She was unreadable which made Clarke desperate to know what was going on in Lexa's head. Usually it was easy to know what she was feeling, it had become somewhat of a talent for Clarke, but sometimes Lexa shut off and shut everyone out. This was no different. They have never really talked in depth about Lexa's family, but something told Clarke it was off limits. Lexa must have seen the worry in her eyes for her lips tugged into a smile.

“A topic for another day.” She leaned in and kissed Clarke's forehead. “Now rest. I'll cook dinner tonight.”

_____________________________________

 

Mornings have become her favorite time of day. How quiet the air would sing; the glow of the sun was pure and untouched by the day’s madness. How Lexa wrapped around her in their nudity, carefree in shared vulnerability. Things were simple there in between the sheets of soft security and warm comfort. Nothing could touch them there. Here, they were the queens of this domain. Here, they were infinite. They were blind to the ugliness and responsibilities of the world even though it was only for a few short moments. 

Clarke loved waking up next to Lexa, feeling her body move against her back with steady breathing. Relishing how, even though she was awake, Lexa rebelled against starting the day. How her light fingertips danced across her growing stomach, reassuring Clarke that all was well. She was amazed at how Lexa had remained unchanged in her affection towards Clarke. Her body was changing and her behavior seemed like it was on a spinning wheel landing on a different emotion every day. Yet, Lexa stood steadfast. She made an impossible situation possible, allowing Clarke to come to terms with her pregnancy and to actually be excited to be a mother. 

_Mother._

Clarke was going to be a mother. Though she was initially terrified about finding out that she was with child, then finding out she was carrying two. Clarke could already feel the maternal instinct to protect her babies. Everyone told her that she'd be a good mother one day. One that was kind and loving, and she no longer had any doubts about that. There would be moments where she'd feel unprepared to care for twins, when that negative feeling would visit her again; it's voice whispering doubts, planting its seeds in the back of her head. When those seeds began to sprout into weeds, Lexa would quickly pluck them out. Her words would remove the deceiving flowers from the root and plant lilies in their place. She helped Clarke feel ready to be a mother and maybe, at the same time, prepared herself to be one as well.

Clarke smiled when Lexa wrapped an arm around her torso, squeezing her slightly. She sighed peacefully in her arms and hummed delightfully when Lexa nuzzled and kissed the back of her neck.

“Good morning,” Lexa whispered in her ear. “We have to get up.”

“We could just stay here.” Clarke protested. “Become one with the bed. Develop bed sores. Lose the use of our legs.” Lexa chuckled softly making Clarke turn in the bed to face her. She got lost in Lexa's sleepy eyes and admired the small smile she gave her.

“As much as I would love to stay in bed with you,” Lexa moved a stray blonde strand away from Clarke's face, trailing her finger softly across her forehead, “I have to get ready to face your mother again.”

Clarke’s eyes dropped, remembering last night’s events. Abby didn't hide her disapproval of her daughter’s choice of a partner. She talked down to Lexa, spoke to the both of them passive aggressively, and nearly was red in the face with anger. Lexa remained collected though. Her small smile was deviously warm and Clarke could see determination in her eyes. Lexa had a goal: to win Abby over. To open her eyes to her daughter’s happiness and desperate plea of support. Clarke didn't know how she'd be able to spend the next coming days with her mother being this hostile but she knew Lexa would make it worth her while.

“I'm sorry for last night.” Clarke whispered. “I know you're trying.”

The corners of Lexa's lips twitched into a half smile. Her eyes were the most comforting color in the morning. How the sun would shine through it, exposing the slightest hint of blue. Clarke first realized sometime ago, on one of the many mornings they shared, that Lexa's eyes weren't perfectly green. That when the sun hits it just right, specks of brilliant blue would emerge, the same color as Clarke's. She had accepted that she may never know what it meant to see Lexa in her reflection, but seeing the blue splashing against green revealed that Clarke was a part of Lexa's life as much as Lexa was a part of hers.

“I just want you to be happy.” Lexa's hands feathered down to Clarke's stomach. “You and your children.” She leaned in and kissed Clarke's forehead before sitting up and getting out of bed.

Clarke shifted and watched Lexa walk into the conjoined bathroom, allowing her eyes the liberty to take in her bare body. She was happy. If not just by the fact that Lexa still found her desirable with her body swelling, but by the silent promise in her eyes of starting a life together. Clarke pulled Lexa's pillow close to her chest, burying her face into the soft fabric. She absorbed the warmth still radiating off of it and sighed contently from Lexa's lingering scent. She watched Lexa prepare her shower, smiling at the innocent gesture of one slender finger beaconing Clarke to join. Seeing the future has never been as clear as it is now. Never did she imagine herself to be so sure of what she wanted as she sat up in bed and joined Lexa. There was no doubt that this is the happiest she's ever been. So why did she feel like everything was about to fall apart? That in that morning, where she joyfully kissed the woman that was in the mirror as the shower rained down over them, destruction loomed around them.

_____________________________________

 

“Oh, I forgot to ask,” Abby wiped her mouth with a cloth napkin, “who's taking care of Horus while you're gone?”

“Raven.” Clarke cleared her throat. “They have a love/hate relationship. Mainly that Raven loves him and he just hates everyone.”

Quiet chuckles filled the space around them as they had their brunch. The four of them were seated around a round table outside on the patio and Clarke loved how the summer sun didn't beat down in them. A cool breeze danced in the leaves above them and through her hair making Clarke feel wonderfully at home in the nature. She was surprised to see her mother calm and restrained with her words and looks in the late morning. She figured Marcus had something to do with her now friendly demeanor. She looked over at Lexa who sipped at her orange juice with a phantom smile on her lips. Peeking over her shoulder, Clarke watched as the breeze created soft ripples in the lake and it called to her.

“Do you think we can go for a swim today?” She looked back at Lexa who gave her an approving smile.

“Of course.” Lexa took Clarke's hand then looked across the table at Abby and Marcus. “I was actually planning to have all of us spend the day outside. There's a trail we could hike and then afterwards, we could go swimming. If that's okay with you two?”

Clarke watched as Abby's brows furrowed slightly. When she opened her mouth to more than likely reject the offer, Marcus shot a big toothy smile at Lexa.

“That sounds wonderful.” He said with enthusiasm. Abby looked at Marcus with a moderately stern expression before tightly pressing her lips together and releasing her breath through her nose.

“Sounds lovely,” Abby agreed reluctantly. Clarke would have chortled at the expense of her mother's uncomfortable state but instead, she prepared herself for what was to come.

“Excellent.” Lexa rose from her chair and began collecting the dishes. “Go ahead and get ready. I'll clean up.”

“I'll help you.” Marcus quickly stoop up, grabbing Abby's plate along with his own and followed Lexa inside.

It wasn't long until the peaceful air around them grew tense and Clarke wished she had offered to help Lexa first. She looked away from her mother's gaze, trying to regain the tranquility back by looking at the near clear lake, but she still felt Abby's burning eyes. She sighed and crossed her arms, physically defending herself from the verbal words that were going to be thrown her way.

“What's on your mind, mom?” Clarke didn't try to ease the annoyed tone from her voice.

“You look happy.”

Clarke looked back at Abby to read her expression. Abby's half hearted smiled did nothing to prevent what those eyes told her.

“I am.” She sat up straight, matching the stare that Abby gave her. “Lexa makes me happy.”

“Is _Lexa_ happy?”

Clarke narrowed her eyes.

“What are you trying to get at?”

“With you. With the baby.” She sat back in her chair, closely watching Clarke. “Is she happy?”

“Why don't you ask her, mom?” Clarke scoffed. “Instead of attacking her for breathing. She's the one keeping me sane through all of this.” She paused, seriously contemplating the consequences of her next word. “Babies.”

“Babies?”

“I'm having twins.”

She watched as her mother's eyes widened and drop down to her stomach. The news must have taken the air out of her lungs for she sat forward placing a hand on her chest. Abby's jaw dropped slightly and Clarke rolled her eyes at how dramatic her mother was acting.

“God damnit Clarke.” Abby finally managed to say. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“So you could just lecture me like I'm eighteen again? Tell me that everything that I'm doing is wrong and selfish? I spared you the trouble.”

“You need to go back to Finn.” Her mother said, almost pleading.

“I'm not going to have this conversation with you again.” Clarke shot up from her chair and stormed inside.

“Clarke.” She could hear her mother call out to her as she unintentionally slammed the door. Clarke dodged glances from Marcus and Lexa as she tried not to stomp up the stairs and into her room. Her heart was pounding so loudly in her ears that she didn't even hear her mother following her. She sat on the bed and put her head in her hands when she saw Abby enter the room.

“Mom. Don't.” She warned.

Abby closed the door behind her before speaking.

“Don't what?” She turned towards her daughter, her eyes wide with concern. “Don't try to talk some sense into you? _Don’t_ try to make you see that you're acting like a child? Clarke,” Abby tries to make her voice softer, “you can't expect someone you barely know to help you raise a child. Let alone two!”

“So you want me to go back to a relationship that I wasn't happy in?” She glared up at her mother and fought back tears. “If you only knew what he did the night I left him.”

“I know what he did…” Abby sighed slowly and looked down at her feet. “He told me. We still keep in contact and baby…he's so sorry.”

“Sorry?” Clarke repeated in dismay. “He could have hurt me, mom. You didn't see the hate I saw in his eyes.”

“All I'm saying is to give him a second chance. I told him that your pregnant and he's willing to make things work.”

“Mom,” Clarke nearly shouted, “do you hear yourself? You're asking me to go back to the man who attacked me.” She stared at Abby, allowing tears to blur her vision and burn her eyes. “Dad wouldn't have wanted me to.” 

“Well your father isn't here anymore.” She paused, clearly taken aback by her own words. She blinked away whatever thoughts swam in her head and cleared her throat.  
“Sweetie,” she took Clarke's hand in her own, “you need to go back to Finn.”

“No.”

“What are you trying to prove by staying with Lexa?”

“Nothing. I'm happy with her.”

“You can't expect to have a normal life with her.”

“Is it normal to be with a man who'll turn into Mr. Hyde whenever he drinks?”

“He said he'll get some help with his anger issues.”

“No. I'm staying with Lexa.”

“You don't even know her!”

“I _love_ her!”

Clarke was as shocked as Abby was hearing those words as they left her lips. She didn't expect to ever say it, but the pounding in her chest and the jolt of electricity running through her confirmed that it was true. She _loves_ Lexa. Something inside of her tells her that she has always loved her. From seeing her everyday in her reflection, to having her every day in her bed. Clarke once again tried to deny herself. Deny the fact that she has loved Lexa before knowing her. Loved her more than anything or anyone she has ever loved. She loved her before she even knew what love actually was. Clarke has always loved Lexa and she knows she always will.

“Well, if you really love her,” Abby let go of Clarke’s hand, “you'll do the right thing and leave her. You can't expect her to carry the weight of caring for you and _two_ babies.” Without another word, she turned and walked out of the room, leaving Clarke alone with wild emotions.

_She's right, you know._

Clarke shook her head.

You're being selfish. If you don't leave her now, she'll leave you and that'll hurt a lot more the longer you keep this up.

“No.” She said quietly to herself. She buried her face in her hands again and hated the way her tears seeped through her fingers. Was her mother right all along? Was she being selfish? Lexa already has too much to carry with her company on the verge of mutiny, expecting her to become some form of a parent would be too much to presume. Clarke was finally faced with the choice she was running away from for months: leave or stay.

“Clarke?” 

She looked up to see Lexa standing by the door. When Clarke's bottom lip trembled from the rising sob in her throat, Lexa quickly crossed the room and sat beside her. She didn't say anything to her, didn't need to. Instead, Lexa held Clarke and allowed her to weep into her shoulder. Clarke loved that, but she wasn't sure if she could continue to think that everything was going to be okay. Her mother was right. She has to let her go. No matter how much it hurts now, the pain will go away even though it'll leave a scar.

_____________________________________

 

The drive back was quiet and felt longer than the drive up to the lake house. Clarke decided that she wanted to leave earlier than expected because she felt trapped in the middle of nowhere with her judgmental mother. Lexa happily obliged her and even allowed Abby and Marcus to stay the full four days that had originally been planned. _I have plenty of opportunities to win over your mother._ Lexa's voice echoed in her head viciously. Clarke remained quiet on the drive back to the city and was glad that Lexa did the same. 

Her heart grew heavier with each step she took once they finally arrived home. The atmosphere was different as Clarke walked through the penthouse and she knew Lexa could feel it too. This place once felt like a sanctuary, where she could love and freely be herself. Now, as she ascended the black metal stairs, Clarke felt completely different about her home. It was heavy with guilt and the foreboding nature of the starless sky gave the home a dark ambience. 

The sight of the two small toy bears on the bed stopped her in her tracks and she felt the heat rise in her face as tears began to fill her eyes. Clarke felt her twitching bottom lip and busied herself with opening drawers to empty them of her belongings. Her quiet sniffles seemed to explode in the noiseless room but it did nothing to deafen the moments she had in that space. Memories replayed before her eyes like a movie as she tried to quickly pack her things. Laughter reverberated on the walls, love making rumbled through the bed, whispers of one’s hopes and dreams boomed against her ribcage and it paralyzed her. Soon she found herself sitting on the edge of the bed, watching her tears fall on the white bear she held in her hands.

“Clarke…”

She didn't look up when she heard Lexa's soft voice. Her eyes stung from lack of blinking and the continuous stream of tears. She could feel Lexa approach her but she did nothing to acknowledge her presence. The seconds of silence that went by felt like hours and when she couldn't take the uncomfortable muted space, she looked up at Lexa. Those green eyes were tense and hard as they focused on the luggage on the bed. Her jaw worked subtly and slowly to and fro as her hands were clenched into fists. 

“You're leaving.” Her voice was no longer soft in her statement. 

Clarke didn't know what to say, couldn't say anything to make the situation any less hard. She remembered the night she left Finn and wondered if Lexa hid the same form of anger. Clarke watched her carefully trying to see if she does indeed need to defend herself from whatever backlash Lexa will unleash. When her face relaxed and her hands opened, Clarke let out a breath slowly and remembered that Lexa was nothing like Finn.

“Where will you go?” Lexa sighed, the harshness of her tone was gone. Clarke didn't have an answer. She didn’t really think this through, but she knew that she wasn't going to accept anymore help from Lexa.

“Can we talk about this?”

“No.” Clarke finally managed to say.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“No…”

Lexa looked at her then and what Clarke saw was enough to break her heart. That same look she saw after the gala last year faced her again. Lexa's face dropped into perpetual hopelessness and her body was slightly slumped in defeat. Clarke clenched her teeth and blinked back another wave of tears. She couldn't very well leave her without some form of explanation to why she was leaving. Clarke took a deep breath in and tried to form the correct words.

“You've done so much for me…” she hated the way her voice cracked from relentless sobs. “You've taken all my mess and didn't ask for anything in return. I've been selfish. I keep taking and taking and all I'm giving you is my problems.” She paused, her body shook from the rising emotions wanting to be released. “I can't do that to you anymore.”

“Clarke,” Lexa kneeled in front of her, placing a hand on Clarke's knee, “you give me so much more than you know.”

Feeling as if her heart has jumped into her throat, Clarke swallowed hard and tried to regain her composure.

“I can't expect you to take care of me and my babies. I can't let my selfishness dictate this any longer.” She could feel how her own heart was breaking. “I have to go. This in my mess and _I_ have to take care of it.”

Her heart squeezed painfully when she saw tears build up in Lexa's eyes. She gets it. Lexa finally understands that there's no talking Clarke out of it. She knows there's no way to keep whatever they have together. She gets it and Clarke could die from the pain she felt beyond her heart, beyond her very being. She felt the pain in her soul. She felt as if she was losing herself as she was saying goodbye to Lexa and began feeling empty in her anonymity.

Lexa looked away from her then, removing her hand from Clarke's knee. Her face was reddening, but no tears had yet to be shed. The unfriendly silence emerged between them and the ticking of Clarke's watch rung unpleasantly in her ears. When Lexa stood up, she stepped away from Clarke and allowed her back to become like steel. Her wall was in full force and her face looked as if it never smiled. But Clarke could see the trembling of Lexa's hand and knew she was trying to contain the broken pieces from spilling everywhere.

“I'm sorry…” Clarke's voice trailed off, hoping that Lexa knew how sincere her apology was. She stood up and gathered whatever clothing she had packed. She looked at Lexa, who seemed to refuse to look back at her, and took note of her silence. A part of her wanted to reach out for the silently broken woman, wanted to drop everything and run into those arms that kept her safe and warm. She couldn't allow herself to go back now. She broke her heart and she'll put nothing but fear and doubt in Lexa if she takes it all back.

She headed towards the bedroom door and looked back at Lexa. The normally strong woman was leaning against the back wall, holding her arms close to her, still looking away from Clarke's direction. Clarke bit her lip, preventing herself from saying anything that wouldn’t help her. She never knew how someone's silence could speak volumes. Never knew that sometimes silence could be the loudest scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...that happened. 
> 
> I didn't expect this chapter to be as long as it is but in the end, I think its worth it's length. I really wanted to portray Clexa's relationship as normal as possible despite the plot. I wanted to show that they'll argue but most importantly I wanted to show how much they care for each other. I find it difficult sometimes to express Lexa's feelings since this story is one sided but hopefully I did it justice. 
> 
> I await what you guys think and take away from this chapter. I know this one is a little... problematic but again, nothing in life is simple. 
> 
> "I believe that suffering is part of the narrative, and that nothing good gets built when everything's easy. I believe that loss and emptiness and confusion often give way to new fullness and wisdom." -Shauna Niequist


	9. Eccedentesiast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven." - John Milton, _Paradise Lost_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those who have decided to stick around, to see how it ends, thank you. I'll try not to disappoint you.
> 
> There are two songs I've associated with this chapter. Both are from Ed Sheeran's new album: "Happier" and "Save Myself".
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoy
> 
> ~Naomi

Her eyes slowly opened and instead of the cool white ceiling she was used to seeing, her blue eyes stared up at an industrial styled one. Dawn has barely broken and she thinks she'll never get used to having a full night's rest. Her back ached from sleeping on her back and was slow to turn on her side to obtain some sort of comfortability. She sighed as her head sank into the pillow and her eyes scanned the bear tarnished metal wall. If Clarke didn't know any better, she would think that she was being held hostage instead of waking up in Raven’s bedroom.

She lifted her head off the pillow to look at Horus, whose insistent meowing demanded her attention. She blinked away the heaviness in her eyelids and began to sit up to answer her feline’s call of hunger. She heard sounds of protest behind her and looked over to see the mess of dark hair covering half of Raven’s pout. 

“What are you doing?” Raven’s voice was one of drowsy reluctance. Clarke watched as Raven twisted in bed to reach for her phone, squint her tired eyes at the bright screen and groaned upon realizing what time it was. “You're killing me.” She folded one arm over her eyes. She sighed slowly before continuing, “what are you craving now?”

“Nothing.” Clarke said quietly. “Horus just needs food or something. Go back to sleep.” She could tell that her words didn't fall on deaf ears for as soon as they left her lips, Raven turned onto her side and was fast asleep within seconds. 

Clarke scooted to the very edge of the bed and grabbed onto the nightstand for balance. She never knew how hard it was to stand on her own until having a belly two sizes too big for her frame. Nonetheless, she stood up with a small grunt and proceeded out the large sliding door into the warehouse like flat. The jingling of Horus’ collar followed closely behind as she padded across Raven’s apartment and to the kitchen. The food crashed loudly in the open space as they hit the bottom of the empty bowl and the sound nearly rattled her teeth. She stroked the length of Horus’ body after struggling to bend over and set the bowl down on the floor. She was contemplating her choices when she fought with her body to stand erect. After finally persevering, Clarke let out a sigh and with a hand placed in the crook of her back for support, she began brewing coffee.

She missed the clean taste of tea, but ever since she started staying with Raven, the drink makes her nauseous and the powerful craving of coffee beans took its place. Clarke watched as the black liquid dripped down before turning into a steady dark stream. She listened to the low growls the coffee maker produced as her thoughts liberated themselves.

It's been almost two months since she'd spoken to Lexa and the thought of her was just as painful now as it was then. The last image of her burned in her memory like a brand of guilt and shame. She tried to remember her smile or the color of her eyes, but the only thing that would manifest was the image of Lexa holding onto herself, of wanting to break in front of the woman who broke her. Those colorless eyes glassy from unshed emotions, stubborn to show any weakness, any indication that she wasn't as strong as she made out to be. But Clarke knew better. She knew her words were like knives cutting deep into Lexa, leaving her alone in pieces.

It was like the time she spent with Lexa wasn't reality, wasn't of this world. As if the memories she had of her were actually dreams and when she finally awoke from them, every detail became a blur. The longer she stayed awake, the more the dream disappeared, no matter how hard she tried to remember. Now Clarke is left in a world in which Lexa does not exist and that, in and of itself, was a nightmare.

Although, there will be times where her mind would torment her. It'll flood her psyche with that of a soft smile and gentle eyes. _Green_ eyes. Clarke would remember how those irises would spark a flame inside of her. She'd remember how much she misses Lexa's words, how her voice would make everything sound as if they were wrapped in velvet. How her laughter made Clarke's heart flutter or how her kiss would make her knees weak. She didn't know whether or not she wanted to remember the time she spent with Lexa. Remembering everything was equally as painful as not being able to remember anything at all.

Missing her came in waves. Sometimes it was like the gentle caress it leaves on the shore, but other times it was as if there was a storm off the coast and the waters become hazardous. But God, does she miss her. She misses the way Lexa would curl up in her arms like a child seeking comfort from the sounds of thunder. She misses the way Lexa would look at her like she was looking at a beautiful sunrise. She misses the way Lexa kissed her: innocently at first, then so hungry and deep leaving Clarke without control. Clarke misses her and she hates herself for not staying, for not trying to be good enough for her. Yes, missing her came in waves and in that morning, she was drowning.

“Hey you.”

Clarke jumped out of her skin and stared at Raven trudging towards her. Time had gotten away from her again for the soft blue glow of the rising sun was now a hot white glare coming through the windows. 

“You look like how I feel.” Raven’s groggy voice echoed through the flat. 

“Yeah?” Clarke poured herself a cup of coffee and stirred in sugar. “And how's that?”

“Like shit.”

Clarke chuckled awkwardly at the comment. 

“Aren't you supposed to say nice things about expecting mothers?” Clarke sipped at her drink gingerly.

“You look like _hot_ shit.” Raven sat on the stool by the bar that was meant to divide the kitchen from the rest of the industrial home. Clarke leaned back against the counter, quietly and reluctantly enjoying her coffee as she watched Raven struggle to keep her eyes open.

“You were thinking about her again, huh?” Raven held Clarke's gaze with lazy eyes.

Clarke couldn't hide from the knowing look her friend gave her as she felt disgustingly exposed. She looked around the place in search of anything to keep her attention away from investigating eyes.

“Why don't you just call her?”

“I can't.” Clarke whispered. The image of Lexa in her dark room slithered into her mind. “What I did to her…there's nothing I could say to make it better.”

“She doesn't look like what I expect someone who just went through a break up would look like.” Raven got up from the stool and rounded the bar. 

“What do you mean by that?” She watched as Raven popped in two pieces of bread into the toaster. 

She shrugged.

“I don't know, I mean,” she sighed, propping one hand on the counter and the other on her hip, “she's still stone-faced and business as usual. Maybe Lexa didn't take it that hard.”

When the toast jumped out of the toaster, Clarke felt it in her stomach. Her body froze at the unexpected movement, not sure if it was her mind playing tricks on her. She placed a hand over her navel, waiting patiently to confirm her suspicions.

“All I'm saying is that maybe you need to talk to Lexa. Clear the air.” Raven spread jam across her toast and promptly took a big bite.

There it is again. A small kick pressed against her hand before disappearing. Clarke's heart began to race and she couldn't hide her smile. Her babies moved for the first time and she never felt more like a mother than she did in that moment. Clarke set her mug down and cradled her swollen belly, feeling love swell in her heart. She has heard their heartbeat, seen how her stomach stretched to fit the two, but nothing compared to feeling them move inside her. Clarke couldn't believe she dreaded being pregnant when she felt so much love already for her unborn.

“You okay?” Raven drew her out of her daze. “You have this dumb look on your face.”

“I just felt them move.” Clarke looked up at her friend, still smiling.

“No way.” She abandoned her toast and rushed over to her. “Let me feel.”

Raven’s hands replace Clarke's and stood motionless in hopes of feeling the signs of life herself. Clarke watched as her friend's expression went from excited and curious to a childish disappointed pout.

“I don't feel anything.” She said dishearteningly as she walked away and resumed devouring her toast.

“Maybe they just don't like you.” Clarke teased.

“Bullshit,” Raven snorted, mouth full of strawberry jam and bread crust, “everyone likes me.”

Clarke smiled at Raven, but couldn't help but feel guilty for the way she was pretending to be okay. Her smile slowly disappeared as Raven’s voice became muffled. She felt the unprovoked desolation deep within her bones, wrapping itself around her like another layer of skin. She wasn't okay. She hasn't been okay since leaving Lexa but when she really thinks about it, she's never really been _okay_.

Her life has become painful and messed up. Becoming complicated at the worst times and now she has no idea where to go or what to do from here. Since staying with Raven, there has been times where she just let herself get lost, dropping into a vast abyss. An abyss so dark and vacant that she forgets who she is. She is faceless, nameless and without form. Memories haunt her in that vacuum, phantoms of what she desired picked and prodded at her skin and screeched like harpies.

The worst part is that what hurts the most isn't the present. What drives the knife deeper into her is what happened before in comparison to what was happening now. How the vibrant colors she once associated with those eyes she longed to look into highlighted the dullness of her life. But she cannot let the ghouls and apparitions of what could've been continue to beleaguer her mind. She no longer had herself to think about. No matter how hard it'll be, Clarke will not let the demons that tormented her touch the only light that shined in her darkness.

___________________________________________

“I'm back bitches.” The cool tone of Octavia's voice danced across the room when Raven answered the knocking at her door. Clarke's eye twitched slightly at the joyous shriek that erupted from Raven as she stood by idly as her two dark haired friends bounced into each others arms.

“You're early!” Raven could barely contain her exhilaration. “I thought you weren't going to be here for at least a couple more days.”

“Yeah well,” Octavia shrugged, “Luna decided she wanted to get away from the English summer weather. So, I'm not complaining.” She looked over at Clarke, a toothy smile spread across her face and her bright eyes widened. “Jesus Clarke,” she chuckled teasingly, “you're huge!”

Clarke rolled her eyes and smiled as she hugged her dearly missed friend.

“I swear, you guys are the worst friends ever.”

“How long are you staying?” Raven said after failing to hold back her snickers.

“Not sure yet.” Octavia shrugged. “Luna has been summoned by the boss lady. Apparently, something big is going down.”

The very mention of Lexa made Clarke's heart race, no matter how subtle it was and she couldn’t ignore the shifting in her belly. She has come to the irrational conclusion that when ever Lexa was brought up or even when she thought about her, her twins would react to the change of their mother's heartbeat. It was a foolish assumption, but in her world of seeing someone else in her reflection, Clarke didn't rule anything out.

“Oh, I'm sorry.” Octavia said after reading Clarke's expression. “Am I not suppose to mention –“

“It’s fine.” Clarke waved it off. “I'm fine,” she lied.

Silence fell amongst the friends as the young evening night cast the orange glow of the sun out. Clarke could tell by the expressions on her friends’ faces that her lie didn't go unnoticed.

“So, where are you staying?” Raven finally broke the silence.

“In one of Lexa's condos. All expenses paid.” The group of them walked towards the worn leather couch as Octavia let out a small huff when she sat down. “It’s really a shame about you two. She was really starting to grow on me.”

“Shut up O.” Raven gave her a scolding look. After Octavia gave a small shrug and a bewildered look, Raven rolled her eyes and sighed. “Why don't you stay the night? Just like old times? We could have pizza and drink cheap wine. Well…Clarke will just have juice.”

Clarke found it particularly refreshing to have her friends poking fun at her and her pregnancy. To hear their choked-up laughter and their subsequent knee slapping brought her back to happier times. But the fiend in her mind quickly killed the jovial lilies that wanted to sprout.

_You can't be happy. You don't deserve to be happy._

Its menacing voice repeated itself and deafened the outside world. She closed her eyes to try to silence it but ultimately made it louder.

_You have your friends and your family to hold you up, but who does she have? Who will she lean on now?_

Clarke clenched her fists so tightly, she felt like she was going to break the skin. She tried not to think about how small Lexa looked that night, how fragile she had become. Clarke destroyed her, left her in pieces and no one was there to help her pick them up. If she was right about one thing, it was that she truly was a selfish human being.

_Clarke._

Her eyes fluttered open, staring off into the abyss that wanted to swallow her whole. The voice that called her name she knew all too well.

_Clarke._

She closed her eyes again, cursing at the voice for playing tricks on her. Her stomach stirred uneasily and she slowly passed her hand over it, trying to soothe the twins. The mimic relentlessly called out to her, beckoning her further into the dark pit and she wanted to scream but felt as if her vocal chords were ripped out. Again and again it calls to her and she is helpless to resist it's hypnosis.

“Clarke!”

Her eyes shot open and she was met with the concerned stares of her friends. Octavia's hand was firmly gripping at her thigh indicating that she might have tried to shake Clarke out of her trance.

“Clarke, are you okay?” Octavia's voice shook with worry. “You're pale.”

“I'm…” Clarke’s voice trailed, “I need water.”

“I'll get you some.” Raven was almost half way off the couch before Clarke stopped her.

“No.” She took a deep breath in. “No, I'll get it.”

She didn't allow them to talk her out of it or help her up as she braced herself and did her awkward dance to stand up. She could feel their eyes on her as she crossed the flat. Nothing compared to the feeling of the malicious fingers clawing at the back of her mind.

Before she could reach the kitchen to drown out the negative pull in her, three heavy knocks stopped Clarke in her place. She looked back at her friends who returned the same curious look she gave them then waddled over to see who the unexpected visitor was.

“If it’s that crazy lady from 2B,” Raven shouted out, “tell her I'm not here.”

Clarke shook her head and with a smile, she opened the door blindly. She immediately regretted that decision and internally groaned when she saw short dark hair and a solemn look of the person she wanted to see the least.

“Finn.” She didn't try to hide her disdain. She watched as his dark eyes scanned over her and when he smiled his boyish grin, she crossed her arms.

“Hey Clarke,” he said in breathy admiration, “it's good to see you.” He paused, looking her over again. “How have you been?”

“What are you doing here Finn?”

She waited impatiently as his eyes shifted.

“Well I…” Finn fumbled over his words and he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “I was wondering if you would like to have dinner with me sometime?”

“No.” Clarke said without hesitation and began to shut the door in his face. When Finn stopped it abruptly, she let out a frustrated sigh and felt the heat of anger rise in her face.

“Lunch then.” He insisted

“Let go of the door.”

“How about coffee?” He was practically begging.

She heard footsteps behind her and looked over her shoulder to see Raven and Octavia.

“Finn?” Raven’s brows bent. “What are you doing here? I told you not to come.”

In the back of her head, Clarke knew it was Raven who disclosed her location to Finn and believed that she warned him not to show up. She looked back at him and saw small desperation in his eyes.

“You should leave.” Octavia's jaw was set and her eyes were deadly.

“It’s okay guys.” Clarke waved them off. She needed to prove that she could handle herself in a trying situation without outside assistance. She ushered Finn to move away from the door and closed it behind her when she stepped out into the hallway with him. “You have one minute.” 

“I just want to talk.” He kept his distance, more than likely sensing the friction between them. “Grab a cup of coffee with me? Let's say…tomorrow?”

“You're not going to leave unless I agree to meet with you, right?” When he shoved his hands into his pockets and shook his head, Clarke sighed. “Fine. We'll have coffee and that's it.”

“Thank you.” His smile was so big it looked as if the corners of his mouth would rip into a Glasgow smile. “What time is good for you?”

“Whenever I wake up.” She said plainly and without another word, walked back into the apartment, leaving Finn in the hallway.

She walked slowly, looking down at the worn floor boards as her mind raced. Finn's arrival caught her off guard and his persistence was familiar. It was initially the trait that drew her to him but it was strange to see him in such a state. After what they both did to each other, Clarke was curious as to why Finn desperately wanted an audience with her, let alone her reluctant response to even grant him the opportunity. Her mother stated that he was sorry and wanted to work things out. When she looked into his eyes, Clarke saw that there was truth in what Abby said. By no means was she considering to go back to him, the love she had once held for him was no longer there, but she _is_ carrying his children. What kind of a person would she be if she didn't at least give him a second chance?

“Hey Clarke?” Raven stopped her in her tracks. “I'm sorry. I did tell him that you were staying with me. I didn't think he had the _cojones_ to actually show up.”

“It's okay Rae.” Clarke said with a sigh. “I'm just going to lay down for a bit.”

“We'll wait.” Octavia was back on the couch, her legs crossed and her brow was arched. “Why was he here? What did he want?”

“He wants to talk.” She shrugged. “I'm meeting him for coffee tomorrow.”

She watched as Raven crossed her arms and share a look with Octavia. The way they looked at each other was as if they had a telepathic link that Clarke wasn’t privy to. She knew when Octavia leaned forward and locked her fingers together that she was going to get an ear full.

“Do you think that's a good idea?” Octavia's voice was low and stern.

“I don't have any more _good_ ideas.” Clarke responded. She perched her lips and bit at the inside of her cheek. “I'm going to lay down.” She wanted to retreat before another word was said. 

She knew her friends had more to say, but Clarke was too emotionally and mentally drained to cater to their eager questions. There were too many things to take into consideration: planning her baby shower (one of the reasons why Octavia was back in town), Finn's unexpected visit, and the absence of the one who once made everything okay. Without Lexa, Clarke could see how much her world was not what it seemed. With her, everything was vibrant, bright, and alive and removing her out of the equation has made everything bleak. But she'll walk this barren wasteland alone in hopes that Lexa will one day find her own light. No, Clarke wasn't okay and she thinks she never will be.

_________________________________________

She couldn't understand why life was so cruel to her. She knows she's not a perfect person and doesn't try to appear as such, but when Finn wanted to meet in the café Lexa took her to last year, Clarke knew life had a vendetta against her. She tried not to be as hostile towards him like the night before, but sitting across from Finn and watching him drink his bitter black coffee made her skin crawl. He smiled and joked as if no time had passed between them and Clarke knew that the people around them would just see an expecting couple enjoying that late morning together. But they were on the outside looking in. They didn't see that her small smile hid animosity towards the man. They couldn't see the bruises that long faded off the skin but lay prominently underneath the surface. They won't see the sleeping monster behind the smile and charming good looks.

She blinked away her aggressive thoughts and sipped at ice cold water, enjoying how the chill slithered down her throat and cooled her from the muggy summer heat. She couldn't keep her same mentality that Finn was the same person she last saw. After all, people are always changing, always adapting, and she did not know who the man in front of her had become.

“How far along are you now?” Finn asked.

“About seven months.” 

Clarke stared at him as he laughed softly, as if something she said was funny to him.

“Twins, huh? Geez…” his eyes widened slightly. “What are the odds?”

“This isn't a joke Finn.”

“I know, I know. I'm sorry.” He leaned forward, resting his forearms on the table and fumbled with his thumbs. “I still can't believe that you're pregnant. We never really talked about having kids so when Abby told me, I didn't know what to think. But I knew I wanted to be there for you.” He paused. “For them.”

“I don't know about that.” She looked down at his hands, remembering New Years.

“What…” his eyes narrowed, “what do you mean?”

“I mean,” she drew a deep breath in and took her time to look him in the eye, “I'm not sure if I want you to be a part of their lives just yet.”

“But I want to be.”

“We can't always get what we want.”

“I'm their _father_.” He raised his voice slightly.

Clarke watched him carefully, seeing as he looked around the café to see if he caught anyone's unwanted attention. She didn't ignore how an uneasy feeling came over her when she saw the same anger flash in his dark eyes. She tried hard not to show any sign that he made her uncomfortable and controlled her breathing before staring him down.

“You gave up that right the moment you put your hands on me.” Her voice was low and held something so dark, Clarke frightened herself. “I'm here in good faith and I believe that people can change. But what you're showing me here is that you're still that little boy who'll whine and throw a temper tantrum when he doesn't get his way. How can I expect someone like that to be a father to my children?”

“Clarke,” Finn sighed and shook his hand, “look I'm sorry. It’s just…when I heard about you and that woman not working out, I thought that maybe there was a chance for us again.”

“You thought wrong.”

“Well hear me out.” He shifted in his seat and Clarke could sense eagerness as well as nervousness coming off of him. “I'm seeking help for my…anger problems and I promise I won't drink again. I'm going to change Clarke, for you. I was thinking that maybe you could move back in.”

Clarke chuckled in disbelief. “That's out of the question.”

“Can you think about it first before answering so quickly? I can see that you're a little,” he looked her over, “on edge. Just think about it.”

Clarke clenched her jaw. He was being sincere and despite him raising his voice slightly, Finn's been completely tolerable. He's handling the cards he's been dealt with the same as her and they were in the same boat whether she liked it or not.

“Fine.” She said reluctantly. After he gave her the same annoying smile, Clarke looked away. “Don't get your hopes up.”

She scanned the faces of the other patrons consuming their bagels and pretending that their little lives were perfect. Their genuine smiles made her feel disgusted that she couldn't be as happy as them. To know she once filled their ranks, dancing in the proverbial fields of joy without a care or fear of the future. Now she's sitting in a chair that creaked every time she moved, feeling everything and nothing all at once.

Her eyes cut to the entrance of the café when the bell on the door jingled with the arrival of a new customer. With wide eyes and a rapidly increasing heartbeat, Clarke watched as a woman with long chestnut hair crossed the café to the smiling faces of the workers at the check out counter. With a spine of steel and dominant sharp jaw, the woman commanded the attention of the quaint establishment, but Clarke was the only one staring. Watching the woman brought all the repressed memories to the surface and Clarke sat defenseless as they blinded her vision. Every smile, every kiss, every touch left blisters on her skin, reminding her of what she had and what she lost. Words that were spoken in their most private spaces scarred her flesh and grew like tumors within her. She never thought that she'd ever see her again, but of all of the days, Lexa silently entered her life again.

Clarke couldn't take her eyes off of the woman who waited patiently for what ever she had ordered, sunglasses still donned her quintessential face as she persistently tapped away at her phone. She looked a touch gaunt in her frame and her slender fingers seemed to be bonier than nourished. Clarke's brow furrowed at the contradiction of Raven’s depiction of Lexa's state. Then again, she knew the map of Lexa's body better than anyone else and to see the fluctuation, no matter how minor, worried her.

Clarke wanted to bolt out of her chair and run to her. The feeling of being homesick weighed down onto her chest and seeing Lexa just mere meters away was like seeing the glow of the lighthouse after being stuck in her dark, treacherous sea. She wanted to tell her that she was sorry and idiotic for leaving the way she did. She wanted all of it back; all the sweet kisses, the silly arguments, and the bad jokes. All of it. But she couldn't. She dug the grave for the person she was when she was with Lexa. Buried it so deep, she was afraid she would never find it again. The person she was trying to be was gone and the time for mourning had passed.

A flow of dark, lush hair distracted Clarke as another woman approached Lexa. She recognized the exotic features of Luna and when she flashed those pearly whites to Lexa, she remembered how her smile could steal anyone's heart. What she didn't recognize was how friendly Luna was with the broody woman. Clarke kept an inquisitive eye on how Luna freely looped her arm with Lexa's, drawing her attention away from the small screen in her hand. When Lexa returned the smile, Clarke felt a foreign sting in her heart. That smile. She knows that smile. Knows the feeling she got whenever Lexa would smile whole heartedly. _Are they…?_ She thought. _No…there's no way._

_Look at them._

Clarke looked away, wanting to see something, anything else. She looked at Finn who seemed to be as oblivious as always when it came to her as he rambled on about something she didn't care for.

_Look. At. Them._

She did and she couldn't look away. She was like a deer caught in the headlights of an approaching car, clueless to realize that death was coming. Clarke watched as they turned to leave, witnesses how Lexa nearly threw her head back and laughed at whatever Luna had said, arms still linked together.

Two. Just two months had passed and Lexa had already moved on. Clarke was surprised but didn't blame her. After what she put her through, Lexa deserved to find happiness, even if it was with her. But it didn't make the pain she felt in her heart any less worse. Clarke was so sure about the feelings Lexa had for her even though she never told her, or so she thought. Maybe Clarke exaggerated it all. Maybe Lexa never had the same feelings Clarke had for her.

_She's finally happy now. She never loved you. You were a burden all along._

Clarke believes that now more than ever. It was time to move on, close that chapter and read on to the next. After all, if Lexa could do it then so could she.

_________________________________________

“I don't understand why you don't want to know the gender of your babies.” Abby said as she prepared finger food. “How are we supposed to know what toys or clothes to get to them?”

“Toys and clothes are genderless mom.” Clarke sighed but didn't look up from the list of things she needed to get done. “Whether I'm having two boys, two girls, or one of each, it doesn't matter. Babies don't know the difference between a fire truck or a doll. They just want to play.”

Clarke sat by the bar of Raven’s apartment in the early morning and hated that she waited until the last minute to set up her baby shower. She was the only one to blame, for her mother, along with Raven, wanted to start the planning once she took up residence in this warehouse-like building.

“You're just like your father.” 

Clarke wasn't sure if Abby was genuinely pleased with that fact or somewhat disappointed.

“Always open minded. Thinking about how things are bigger than they actually are.”

Clarke looked up and tried to read her mother's expression. 

“I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult to me and my dad.” She replied plainly, going back to the task at hand. From the corner of her eyes, she could see Abby stop what she was doing and look at her.

“Don't start.” Abby warned.

“Trust me,” Clarke raised her eyebrows, “that's the last thing I want to do today.”

“Agreed.” Her mother sighed. “Well did you at least think of names?” When her daughter didn't answer, Abby huffed. “You've changed.”

“God, I hope so.”

Before Abby could say anything further, the front door swung open. Raven and Marcus walked in holding boxes in various sizes.

“Hey Clarke,” Raven shouted as she limped towards her, “I know you're trying to be mysterious about the buns in your oven, but next time,” there was a thud as she placed the boxes she was carrying on the counter, “help a girl out. I was like a chicken with it’s head cut off looking for what to get to decorate this place.” 

“She's exaggerating.” Marcus smiled, setting down his own set of boxes. “I think we did fine.”

“I'm sorry.” Clarke couldn't help but smile at her friend's helpless demeanor. “What color did you go with?”

“Yellow.” Raven answered nonchalantly.

“Yellow?” Abby and Clarke looked at her strangely, waiting to receive an explanation.

Raven shrugged off the stares. “Yellow makes me happy.”

No one questioned the upbeat woman any further. Instead, they silently smiled and Clarke ignored the gnawing feeling of tension between her and Abby. She abandoned the list to see what items Marcus and Raven decided on. She tuned out the chatter of her mother and stepfather to avoid getting anymore irritated than she already was. When up tempo music erupted through the flat, Clarke looked over to see Raven sauntering over towards her. She let out a small chuckle when her friend took her by the hand and began dancing with her.

Clarke enjoying the little moments of peace she was allowed to have. Enjoyed it as much as possible before reality settled in, making the bright hues drip away and turn into drab palettes. Everyone around her was feeling the effects of Clarke's broken relationship and she could see how they actively tried to dig her out of the hole she finds herself in. She appreciated every single one of them but loathed the fact that she couldn't help herself. She fears that all she'll be able to do is ask for assistance.

“So, have you decided who's coming this afternoon?”

Clarke looked over her shoulder and shrugged at her mother.

“I just want to keep it small.” She didn't stop dancing with Raven. “Everyone that's here plus Octavia and her boyfriend.”

“What about Finn?”

“What about him?”

“Don't you think he should be here?” Abby's words were more condemning than questioning.

Clarke stopped in place and stared at Raven who did the same. Her friend looked at her warily, her eyes telling her that maybe it’s not a good idea. Clarke sighed before turning to meet her mother's gaze.

“Maybe I don't want him to come.” She glared at Abby.

“Well, he _is_ the father.” she returned the stare, “He should be here.”

“That's my decision to make. Not yours.”

“Clarke, you need to stop thinking about the past and look at what you're facing now.” Clarke watched as Marcus leaned over and whispered into her mother's ear. Abby sucked her teeth at whatever he had said to her and continued. “You're in your final trimester. You're living with your best friend when you could just go back to living with Finn. Speaking of which, you're treating him like he's the guilty party when you were the one who decided to fool around with that woman.”

“Her name is Lexa.” Clarke balled her hand into a fist. “And I thought we agreed to not get into it today. But you just _love_ criticizing me, don't you?”

“I'm not criticizing you, sweetie,” Abby walked over to her and took her hand into her own. “I just want you to think about what's best for you and your twins.”

“What's best for me right now is for you to keep your comments to yourself.” Clarke broke from her mother's grasp and brushed past Raven to retreat into the bedroom.

Tears burned her eyes as she laid down on the bed, grabbing her pillow and holding it close to her chest. Clarke didn’t understand what her mother wanted from her. Abby wanted her to leave Lexa, she did. She wants her to give Finn a second chance and though it won’t be in the romantic sense her mother is expecting, she was considering it. Everything she does is never good enough for people she cares about. Never a good enough daughter. Never a good enough friend or a good enough girlfriend. Hot tears spilled from underneath her closed eyelids as the sickening feeling of not being a good enough mother silenced all the other emotions that made her heart scream.

All the “what if’s” charged into her mind: _What if I’m not a good mother? What if they don’t love me? What if I can’t provide for them? What if? What if? What if…?_

Her eyes shot open when she heard two soft knocks clang against the big metal sliding door of Raven’s bedroom. Clarke sat up and breathed a relieved sigh when she saw the gentle expression on Marcus’ face peeking in.

“Hey.” He said in his soft fatherly way and shyly entered the room. “Are you okay?”

_Are you okay?_

Those words slammed against her like a wrecking ball. Those words collided with the walls she had built around her so she could appear as if she was indeed _okay_. It cracked her foundation, revealing the cold dark abyss that devoured her little by little. She couldn’t hide from it any longer. She ignored the negative whisper that told her to keep her mouth shut and ran towards the dim light that was threatened by the encroaching blackness.

“No…” she whispered in a shaky breath. Her chin trembled violently as the tears flooded her vision and sobs took over all vocal functions. Through her blurry sight, she could see Marcus crouch down in front of her.

“What's wrong?”

She chuckled pathetically at the question, not humored by the words but by not being able to pick a singular issue.

“Everything.” Clarke finally answered through the snivels. “Do you know how it feels to be unhinged? To be flailing about? I just wanted everyone to be happy, but I can't do that and I'm tired. I'm tired and I'm not okay.” She looked down at her hands that shook and tried to control the spasms. “I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try…it’s never enough. And this feeling I get…this feeling that I'm worthless. That I don't deserve anything, that I don't deserve to be happy. It keeps coming and drowning everything out. It keeps pulling and pulling at me. Pulling me further into a place I don't want to go and I keep pushing and pushing. I push it away, push it down inside and I'm scared. I'm scared that one day, I won't be strong enough to push anymore. I'm scared that it'll affect my children…I want to be enough for them. I want to be okay for them but I'm not _okay_.”

Clarke hid her face with shaking hands like she was trying to hide from the world. She thought herself pathetic, crying on the morning of her baby shower, still in her pajamas, and speaking incoherently to her stepfather. But what better person than a therapist that treated her prior to this episode? Who better than the man who helped her mentally through her father's untimely death?

_Lexa._

The sudden image of rich chestnut hair and green eyes stopped her whimpers. She remembered how that disgusting dark feeling became more and more remote while in her presence. How the woman reinforced Clarke's heart with her own arms that kept her secure. She couldn't see it then, couldn’t see all the positive moments through her periodic mood swings. Lexa kept her centered, kept her present and Clarke let all of that go. All because the bad screamed louder than the good.

“Maybe I don't deserve to be okay.” She moved her hands away from her face and stared into nothing. “To be happy. Not after what I've done to Lexa.”

“Everyone deserves to be happy Clarke.” Marcus finally broke his silence and took her hand into his. “And it's okay to _not_ be okay. You feel like you deserve to be unhappy because of the bad circumstances you've been in. But that's not the case. Being unhappy comes from bad thoughts. Maybe you've been overthinking. Thinking about all the things that went wrong and what you could have done to prevent them. Instead, try thinking about what to do next. What can you do to move on from here? I don't know what happened between you and Lexa, but what I do know is that we become what we think about. If you think that you're worthless, then you'll become so. Shut down those bad thoughts as soon as they appear. Don't entertain them because they'll kill who you are inside.”

She stared at him then, tears no longer trailed down her face. His words sunk into her but she couldn't be sure if they took root. Everything is easier said than done, but what good is it to waste the wise words of a wise man? Her father may be gone but she was thankful to have Marcus in her life. Though it didn't fill the gaping hole Lexa left in her heart and the constant guilt that loomed around it. She felt Marcus’ eyes studying her and she knew that all he could see was an empty vessel.

“I know some days can be hard to handle. That its not easy to just wish away the feelings you get sometimes. We all have bad days but without them, we can never appreciate the good ones.” He smiled gently up at her. “And sweetie, there are so many good days ahead of you.” She followed his eyes which dropped down to her stomach. “You're going to be a fantastic mother Clarke. I have no doubt about it.” He stood up and began walking towards the door. “Come out and join us when ever you're feeling up to it.”

“Marcus wait.” Clarke called out to him before he left the room and slowly got to her feet. She almost crashed into Marcus as she walked over to hug him tightly. “Thank you,” was all she could say to him.

_________________________________________

Night had fallen and the party was well over and done with. The baby shower, to Clarke's surprise, was tolerable and actually quite fun despite her mother's not so subtle disappointment. Clarke didn't care, she was having too much fun watching Lincoln and Raven duke it out in every single game they played. Which resulted in Lincoln having a prosthetic leg thrown at him when he won.

Abby and Marcus were the last to leave when all the sunny yellow decorations and food were picked up and Clarke couldn't feel anymore relaxed. She laid her head on Raven’s lap as they convened on the worn leather couch. Clarke did debate whether or not to invite Finn, but went along with her first notion to not extend an invitation. She didn't know then if that invitation was secretly held for someone who'd never show. She had foolishly hoped that someway, somehow, Lexa would knock on that door and join them in their festivities. Clarke knew that it would have never happened, but it didn't hurt to daydream.

“Man,” Raven huffed, “I'm beat.”

“You're beat because you nearly _beat_ a man with you leg.” Clarke chuckled softly.

“Someone needed to teach him not to go toe-to-toe with a competitive woman.”

“I think Lincoln already has his hands full with Octavia.” Clarke pictured the couple and how in love they are. How Octavia looked at Lincoln like he was the hero of her story and how he smiled at her like she makes the sun rise every morning. Yes, they have some troubles. No, they're not perfect. But in the end, they come back to each other.

Clarke's small smile disappeared when the ache of missing Lexa took over her body. Imaginary scenarios filled her mind of what could have been a day; a day with Lexa by her side. She imagined how that smile turned a hard face gentle and how cold eyes melted away whenever they looked at each other. Clarke could picture how accepting her mother could have been; welcoming Lexa with open arms and making her feel at home. This small group of friends would have been the family Lexa never had. She even imagined her father being there, with his big toothy grin and gleaming blue eyes she inherited from him. She knows that Jake would wrap one brawny arm around Lexa's shoulders and, dare she think, call her daughter. In a perfect world. A perfect day. A perfect life…

“You're thinking about her,” Raven’s voice tore her from her second daydream, “aren’t you?”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Yeah. You get this certain look. Like you're lost yet found. You become a walking contradiction.”

Clarke remained silent for a moment, contemplating on whether or not she should speak on this hazardous subject. They already spoke briefly about her some days ago and she knew that Raven would continue to prod until Clarke engaged her in conversation.

“I miss her, Rae.” She said softly. “Sometimes it comes all at once or not at all. And when it comes,” she paused, feeling her face get hot from the raising sorrow, “I'm overwhelmed.” 

A tear fell from the corner of her eye just as she felt Raven’s fingers through her hair. The gentle strokes and small tugs comforted and urged her to continue.

“Some days are easy, where I don't think about her. Days where I can live my life as if she never existed. As if I never experienced what it's like to be with someone who made you question if magic was real or imaginary. But those days come less and less. Days where I feel everything and nothing take it’s place. There's this emptiness I feel beyond who I am. _What_ I am. I feel like when I left her, I left a part of me behind. A part I'll never get back.”

“You loved her.” Raven didn't ask. When Clarke gave a single nod, she breathed in deeply. “I don't understand why you left her.”

“I took advantage of her.” Clarke replied. “She doesn't deserve that. She deserves someone better than me. Someone like Luna.”

“Luna?” Raven stopped playing with Clarke's hair, nearly shouting the name. “What does she have to do with this?”

“I saw her the other day. I saw Lexa.” Clarke wiped away the tears that fell. “She didn't see me but I saw her…with Luna.” Her voice became low, hardly distinctive. “And she looked happy.”

The smile on Lexa's face was burned into her retinas. She wasn't the cause of the smile anymore and she hates feeling the stab of jealousy.

“Maybe you're just reading too much into it.”

“I'm happy for her.” Clarke couldn't distinguish if she was telling the truth or a lie.

“Bullshit.” When Clarke tilted her head up, she saw the unconvinced raised eyebrow on Raven’s serious expression. “I don't believe for one second that you're happy that Lexa moved on. Which I don't think she did. I think there's more to it than what you saw. I've seen the way she looked at you. How she subtly mentions you. You said that Lexa made you question if magic was real or not. I believe that for her, it was. For her, _you_ were magic. You let your overthinking get in the way of what I could only describe as ‘happily ever after’. I mean, come on Clarke. She took you in, got you your dream job, and stayed when you found out you were pregnant. When someone like her comes around, you can't just throw them away. Hell,” she snorted, “if I was gay, I might have fought you for her.”

Clarke managed a smile but it quickly disappeared. She wishes she could just stop thinking about Lexa, wishes she could imagine anything else. Or maybe Raven was right. Maybe what she saw in the café wasn't what it seemed. Clarke was so convinced that Lexa wanted nothing to do with her that she formed another reality within her. A reality in which Lexa knew nothing about Clarke's existence and was happy with someone else. She didn't realize how far down the abyss she was to notice that she saw things that weren't there; misconstrued things to fit her newly formed narrative.

“I think you're right Raven.”

“Of course I am. Now what I think you should do next is go to Lexa, talk it out and see where you guys stand. But most importantly,” Raven began playing with Clarke's hair again, “she needs to know that you love her.”

She doesn't know why, but the sudden thought of telling Lexa that she loves her scared Clarke more than anything. More than seeing a woman jump out of her reflection and be made into flesh. More than leaving a simple life she spent years picturing for said woman who stole her heart. More than finding that her life will never be easy after discovering she was pregnant. Clarke was scared but exhilaration took its place for she knew she loved Lexa with a love that was more than love. She doesn't know how or when she'll tell her those weighted words, or what will actually come of it. All she knew was that when those words leave her lips, nothing Clarke says after will be anymore important.

_________________________________________

Life might have been more forgiving than Clarke originally thought. She assumed when she arrived at Lexa's residence and was turned away that she'd never get an audience. But upon contacting the CEO’s assistant to request a meeting, she was surprised how quickly the appointment was made. Clarke couldn't make heads or tails on why she was rejected at Lexa's building but so easily accepted at her place of business. She didn't want to mull over the meeting place any further for she was already on her way up to the twisting skyscraper of Polaris and she didn't want to waste time thinking about things she couldn't control.

What was more important was what she was going to say to Lexa, if she could say anything at all. Clarke wondered if she'd be able to even speak coherently once in front of her or will she just break down and beg for forgiveness; snot running down her nose like a child and all. No, she couldn't let herself lose what control she had. Clarke set the meeting and Lexa will be at the mercy of what she wanted to discuss.

Clarke stared at the digital screen on the top right corner of the elevator as it steadily counted up to the top floor. Her heart pounded painfully in her chest with each increasing number and nothing she did could manage it. She felt sick, nauseous more than anything, once the silver doors finally opened. When she took her first step out of the elevator, Clarke was sure she was going to vomit. She stood there, in the middle of the open room doing breathing exercises to regain what she could. She shut out the voice that told her to turn back, that what she was doing was futile, and looked around to see the curious and worried faces of the people around her. 

At first glance, she could see that this floor was designed differently than the floor Raven worked on. With dark carpeting and white modern molding that matched the lobby, Clarke wondered if each floor was modeled differently or was the executive office and the first floor just for appearances. She waddled awkwardly towards the receptionist behind a matte glass desk that had a look between bewilderment and fascination, trying not to look anymore deranged.

“Are you okay?” The young woman said in genuine concern. “Do you need anything?”

Her efforts to look sane had gone in vain but she still managed a smile to hide her true nervousness. 

“No, I'm fine. Thank you.” She swears she's becoming a liar. “My name is Clarke Griffin. I'm here to see Lexa Woods.”

“Ms. Griffin?”

Clarke turned to the voice that called her and saw an older woman holding a binder and had a gentle but unimpressed look.

“I'm Ms. Woods’ assistant. If you'll please follow me.” Without any confirmation, the woman began walking away from Clarke. 

She tried to quickly catch up to the assistant, looking more awkward than she did before. Clarke had a strange feeling that she indeed was not in control of this appointment. Feeling more and more like she was summoned to the gallows, voluntarily walking into her own execution. The assistant glided through the floor, passing various people in tailored suits and tight skirts, immediately feeling out of place. She forgot how pretentious these people were, brown nosing who ever they needed to be a part of the next big project to bring destruction to another war-torn country. 

“Right through here Ms. Griffin.” The assistant sounded slightly annoyed and Clarke was convinced no one who worked in Polaris Industries found her appealing.

The assistant had guided her to the very back of the floor to tall matte glass walls, one of which hand long silver handles. Clarke could make out a few shadowy figures through the cloudy material and wondered if she was early for her meeting. She observed how the older woman stared at her expectingly, standing by what looks like a door, grasping at a sliver handle. 

Clarke stepped into the large office warily when the assistant opened the door and caught the attention of the two people closest to her. Indra glared at her briefly before taking in her very pregnant frame and Clarke could see her eyes soften. Titus looked over his shoulder and quickly disregarded her presence. She looked past them and saw a woman casually sitting on one corner of a long white desk, her attention was to the last person she saw. Her breath hitched in her throat upon looking at the woman who stood by the tall windows, her back towards everyone, and hands neatly folded behind her back.

“Thank you, Lexa.” Titus said after clearing his throat. “For finally seeing things my way.”

Lexa didn't respond, didn't even turn to acknowledge him. Her attention was on whatever was outside that window. The woman sitting on the desk looked over her shoulder and did a double take when she saw Clarke. She stared back at Luna whose face was momentarily serious before that beaming smile stretched across her lips. Clarke hates how much the smile made Luna even more beautiful than she already was but tried to return the smile. She felt as if she was an animal, bearing her teeth, ready to pounce at anyone rather than returning a simple gesture and she cleared her throat at her own instincts.

Lexa turned towards her then, half her body twisting in response to the unknown sound. She gazed at Clarke with cold, unfeeling eyes and her jaw clenched before she fully turned. Lexa did appear to be skinner than the last time Clarke saw her. Her dark grey blouse fell loosely around her frame and it seemed as if her eyes were sunken in.

“Clarke.” Lexa greeted her plainly and it was music to Clarke's ears. “Everyone,” she looked around the room but lingered on Luna, “you remember Ms. Griffin, correct?”

Titus and Indra shot glances at Clarke again before silently nodding. Luna, who still had the same smile, stood up then walked over to her.

“Of course.” Luna said with glee. “Wow. Look at you. Motherhood is very becoming of you.”

Clarke didn't feel very pretty with a stomach too big for her body, swollen feet, and an achy back. She quickly glanced over at Lexa who seemed to take the liberty to look Clarke over. She looked back at Luna and smiled.

“Thank you, Luna.” Clarke gave her a half smile and looked down. She felt a gentle hand on her shoulder making her look back up in reaction. The smile had vanished from Luna's exotic features and her dark eyes were earnest.

“ _Halte durch_.” She said under her breath, but Clarke was still able to hear it.

“If everyone could excuse us.” Lexa took a seat at her desk, paying no heed to the three executives as they lowered their heads and walked out.

Clarke stood silently in the middle of the room, still confused as to what Luna said to her. She swallowed hard as she dared herself to look over at Lexa. She seemed unbothered by the silence of the room, busying herself with the stacks of paper on her desk. 

“Can I get you anything?” Lexa's voice sounded thunderous after the prolonged silence and it made Clarke jump.

“No.” She answered softly. “Thank you.”

“Well then,” Lexa peaked up at her before looking back down at the papers, “please have a seat.”

Clarke slowly made her way to one of the leather chairs in front of the desk and ungracefully lowered herself down and sank into it.

“Its good to see you.” Clarke surprised herself with the bold statement. It was a slip of the tongue, but she meant it all the same. She swallowed again and continued her boldness. “How have you been?”

“Can we cut the small talk?” Lexa looked up at her, her eyes were like knives. “What are you doing here Clarke? What do you want?”

She reminisced about the night Lexa had asked her the same question and how much she wanted to go back to that time. It was so much simpler than this. She remained silent, observing how Lexa stared at her like she was of no importance. How she over worked her jaw by repeatedly clenching her teeth together. Clarke understands now. Why she couldn't see Lexa at her home but rather at her office. There was no intimacy here. It was just business.

“I wanted to talk to you. Needed…actually.” Clarke bit her bottom lip before she mustered up the courage to speak again. “I needed to tell you how sorry I am about how I left that night. I should have stayed and talked things out with you. But I ran because that's the only thing I know how to do. I hurt you. I know I did but believe me when I say that I did it because I –”

“Stop.” Lexa raised her hand and leaned back in her chair. “I don't want to hear any of the excuses you've prepared. You came here to seek forgiveness and I'll tell you now that I have none to give.”

Clarke stared at Lexa with wide eyes and her mouth half opened. She wasn't looking at the woman who would melt in her hands when they embraced. She didn't see the Lexa who reserved a smile just for her, who relaxed and become soft, gentle and so feminine. No, the woman before her was not the woman she had fallen in love with. The woman before her was a corporate machine who sneered at her with unusually dark, emotionless dead eyes. Lexa was cold, a shadowy doppelgänger of the person she was once before. Clarke couldn't go on with what she originally planned on doing. She couldn't confess her feelings properly to this carbon copy. She wasn't Lexa, so there was no need to tell the machine that she loved it.

“I agreed to meet with you out of common courtesy.” Lexa folded her arms, still staring deadly into Clarke's eyes. “To put things past us and move on with our lives.”

“I think you've already done that.” Clarke looked down at her hands, seeking refuge from Lexa's glare.

“What do you mean?”

“I saw you the other day.” Clarke looked up and paused, swallowing down that disgusting emotion of jealousy. “With Luna.”

She witnessed the brief puzzled expression Lexa let slip before it turned stony. Clarke felt as if this room was a giant hour glass, slowly ticking away at the time she has left with Lexa. With each grain of sand that cascaded to the bottom, her grip on Lexa weakened as she slowly sank down with it.

“I didn't really come here to ask you to forgive me.” Clarke broke the unfriendly silence. “I wanted to tell you something. I wanted to tell you that despite everything I've done to you… I –”

“Enough Clarke.” Lexa stood up in one sharp motion. “For months I gladly stood around and listened to you talk about your problems. And for months, I did everything I could to fix them. I'll be damned if I have to stand here for a second longer and listen to you again. I've had enough.”

There was fire in her eyes which threatened to consume Clarke. She had never seen this side of Lexa, but then again, she never gave Lexa a reason to do so until now. Lexa's rage confirmed one thing: she didn't love Clarke. She wasn't sure if she ever did in fact. That maybe, she made it all up in her head. Maybe Lexa pitied her more than loved her. All Clarke could do now was sit there and be scolded like a child.

“I was scared as hell to want you but nothing could have prepared me for what the privilege of being yours would do.” Lexa planted her hands on her desk, finding her foundation on the physical barrier between them. “Everyone has their darkness Clarke and there was a time where I would have burned this city down just to show you the light. But you ended up burning me.”

The fire in Lexa's eyes turned to a form of ferociousness. Showing an animalistic nature. Clarke didn't know the possessed woman had been designed for one thing: survival. She could see the fight in Lexa's eyes to control her anger, to remain composed and proper. She learned from Lexa's confession that she indeed cared for Clarke in some capacity. That Lexa was now the one walking away from the very person whom she'd do anything for. Lexa was trying to survive this war of head and heart and Clarke wasn't sure which one would come out victorious.

“I wish you luck for your future endeavors.” It looks like head won this battle as Lexa's tone became cool and uniformed. Those green eyes became dull and void of any emotion. “And may your children grow up healthy and loved.” She put her hands behind her back and lifted her chin, appearing to be royal and above it all. “This meeting is over. You can leave now.”

Clarke didn't know what had happened. Everything felt too slow but swift simultaneously. Her purpose was to finally tell Lexa her affections but once she entered the room, she could feel the noose steadily loop over her head. She felt it as it gradually tightened around her vulnerable neck with every word that passed through Lexa's lips. Without warning, the floor was pulled out from under her and she was left dangling, gasping for air as the only witness watched. Her executioner would just stare emotionless as her body stopped twitching and released her last breath. Hope died in her just then. Not the hope that Lexa will take her back but the hope that one day they could work out their differences and start anew. But Lexa dismissed her and any desire to even give hope a chance and Clarke had to deal with it.

She rose to her feet slowly and turned towards the door. Clarke stopped herself before grabbing the silver handle and pivoted to look at Lexa. The woman was once again at the window, entertaining her eyes with what was so important out in the city. Her shoulders poised and strong, her back hard as steel but Clarke knew Lexa was on the edge of crumbling.

“It might have been in pieces, but I gave you the best of me.” Clarke's voice shook with conviction. When Lexa refused the turn around, she took a deep breath in to strengthen her. “I know you deserve someone better than that but I swear no one wants to love you more than I do.”

There it was. The reason for this meeting. It might not have been the way Clarke had intended to say it but now Lexa knows. 

“I'm not a perfect person. There are many things I wish I didn't do and I'm learning how to deal with the decisions I've made. But believe me when I say I never meant to do those things to you. I just wanted you to know that I found a reason to change who I used to be. To start over…and that reason is you.”

Clarke slipped out of the office before Lexa could respond and briskly walked to the elevator, avoiding any eye contact with the employees. She didn't want them to see how red her face was, how hot tears marked her cheeks. Losing Lexa hurts, but as Clarke smashed the button to call the elevator she wondered: does wanting her hurt more? Wanting what they had, wanting the life they planned back? Maybe the hardest part of losing someone isn't having to say goodbye but rather learning to live without them.

Lexa might have been Clarke's reason to change, but this unforgiving side of her was Clarke's doing. Lexa was good at heart and Clarke feared the day when that heart would give up on her. Lexa's skies didn't become gray out of nowhere. Her sunshine didn’t allow the darkness to take over for no reason. A heart does not turn cold unless it’s been treated with coldness for a while and Clarke hates that she was the reason. That she was the final straw, the one that broke Lexa's strong structure. 

Clarke stepped out of the peculiar building into the hot humid city air. She squinted her eyes from the bright sun as she hailed a cab. She could feel her core melting from the burning light and cradled her stomach as if she needed to protect her unborn from being scorched. Clarke ignored the stare of the driver as she gracelessly entered the backseat of the car and timidly supplied her destination. She took one last look at the building, silently saying her goodbyes as the dingy taxi pulled away from the curb. Pulling out her cell phone from her bag, Clarke stared at the screen long and hard before punching in the commands to send a text message. She looked out the window, watching the dull blurs of business people dart in and out of her sight. She felt nothing then. No sadness. No hope. She was numb to it all and Clarke was perfectly okay with that. The phone in her lap vibrated moments later and Clarke blinked slowly at the new message displayed on the screen.

Finn- 1:42 pm: “I'll see you soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway


	10. The Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter to "Bloodsport" by Raleigh Ritchie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here and what a journey had it been. I just want to say thank you for giving this little fic a chance and sticking with it through the end. I put a great deal into this final chapter and tried to make it the best that I can for you all. Hopefully each of you has taken something away from this story. If you haven't, then you missed the lesson. 
> 
> I'm actually really nervous about the finale but here goes nothing. Pleas enjoy.
> 
> ~Naomi

Her eyes slowly opened to see the golden glow of the morning sun cascading through a crack in the curtains. She blinked lazily, breathing in deeply as she stretched out of her slumber. Clarke laid in her bed for a moment, listening to the distant song the birds gifted to the young day. When she felt a stir behind her, Clarke turned in the bed and buried her face in wild dark hair. The woman she held shifted closer to her and Clarke smiled when she heard Lexa heave a satisfied sigh.

“We slept in.” Clarke's voice was heavy with sleep. She kissed Lexa's neck before continuing. “We have to get up.”

As she attempted to shift away from the woman, Lexa pulled on Clarke's wrist softly.

“Just a few more minutes.” Lexa protested.  
Clarke laid back down and molded against Lexa's form perfectly.

“I have to make breakfast for-”

Lexa hushed her gently and Clarke happily obliged her stubborn partner. Lexa was warm. Her body softly moving against her own with every breath she took. They laid there contently as the quiet of the morning enveloped them. They were untouchable. Soon, the pitter-patter of approaching feet filled Clarke's ears and she smiled against Lexa's shoulders when the door swung open.

“Mommy! Mommy!” The shriek of children's voices broke the sound barrier of their protective silence.  
As Lexa took the pillow from under her and placed it over her head, Clarke looked over to see two small children running into the room. She pulled the covers over her and Lexa's head as they jumped onto the bed.

“Wake up, wake up, wake up!” The two shouted in unison, their high-pitched voices jubilated through the room.

The two bounced at their feet and they continued their chant and Clarke heard a quiet chuckle from Lexa. She looked over just when Lexa removed the pillow off of her face. She shifted the best she could in the turbulent bed to face Clarke and smiled softly.

“There goes the peace and quiet.” Lexa said jokingly.  
Clarke lost herself in the green shade of Lexa's eyes and for a moment, she could swear that time stood still. She admired her seemingly flawless face. Felt her heart swell as the lush pink lips turned from a barely there smirk to a radiant smile. Lexa still made her swoon even after all these years and Clarke couldn't recall a time in which she was happier.

“C’mon.” Lexa took her hand and squeezed it slightly. 

“Let's go feed our minions.” She leaned in and just before their lips met, Clarke's eyes shot open.

The room was dark and the pitter-patter she heard were the droplets of rain that pounded against her window. The golden glow of her fantasy was replaced by a dark ominous pallor. Despite it being in the dead of summer, Clarke couldn’t feel the heat as reality set into her like a cold, damp blanket. Lexa wasn't there in bed with her. She was still very much pregnant and alone in her apartment.

Ever since she started living alone, the same dream haunted her nights. Some variables would change though: the two children would either be a pair of boys, a pair of girls, or one of each. The glowing atmosphere would range from its brilliant golden hue to the cool white tone of a snowy day. But one thing remained the same, the only constant was the sweet smile of Lexa. A fist formed in her heart knowing that that dream will never be more than a nightmare. Will it always torment her slumber, she did not know? One thing she knew for certain was that if it was the only way Clarke would be able to see Lexa, then she would rather never wake up.

She slowly sat up in bed and stared momentarily at the closed blinds on the window. She listened to how the rain beat against it and forgot how much she missed its sound. How the thunder creates a symphony in her ribcage and how the streaks of lightning dances across her eyes. It has been raining for a couple of days now and while everyone worried about a possible flood, Clarke relished how it made her feel. She wasn't happy – no, but she wasn't feeling the crippling effects of depression either. She has just been…okay. Enough to know that this is what life has dealt her and to accept what happened a few weeks ago. She was just _okay_ or at least trying to be.

Awkwardly getting out of bed, Clarke waddled out of the bedroom and into the living room. Despite the rumbling of the delayed thunder, the apartment was eerily quiet. She couldn't remember the last time she was truly alone. Clarke was always with someone and at that moment, a strange feeling wrapped around her. An uncomfortable emotion that, for the first time, made her feel as if she had no one. No one to rely on, to fall to in her time of need. Soon, a sickening realization took its place and shook her to her core. This must have been what Lexa felt like that night. Unlike Clarke, who had friends and family to help her, Lexa had no one. No parental guidance. No one she could call a friend. Clarke was all she had and she didn’t blame Lexa for hating her.

It's been almost a month since that meeting with Lexa and about a week since taking up residence in her new apartment. Clarke tried to remember what had happened once inside the matte glass gallows but her memory failed her. She suspects that she unknowingly repressed the event to avoid any further emotional distress. The only thing she was able to recall was meeting up with Finn later that day. Remembered how his brown eyes were; expectant and delighted to see her. How they soon turned into mild disappointment when he didn't get the answer he thought he was getting. Nonetheless, Finn gladly helped Clarke find an apartment, insisting that she get one close by to his just in case she needed assistance. Clarke begrudgingly went along with his request, knowing well enough that he wouldn't shut up about it. Although she felt alone on that dark morning and looking over at the scattered boxes of her belongings, Clarke knew she needed to learn how to be independent. And being in the final stages of her pregnancy, deciding to live alone was one hell of a learning curve.

Lost in thought, Clarke found herself standing in front of the bathroom mirror. With hands clenched on the edges of the sink, she stared at herself. Her hair was a mess, still tossed from sleep. The dark circles under her eyes made the blue color of her irises seem more prominent. The smile she once had was replaced by a permanent frown. She glared at herself and tried to will away her image to see another.

“Come back,” she said in a low tone. “Please.”

Clarke stood there, begging for the return of the cold iridescent eyes that would melt for her. The rich chestnut color of waves that flowed elegantly over poised shoulders. She would do anything to have that image back for she despised her own. Had she known, she would rather not have met Lexa just to have her comforting reflection back.

_Look at you._

The same sickening feeling she thought was distant slowly crept up on her. She could feel its icy fingers scratch at the back of her mind. The bathroom lights seem to dim with its omnipresence making Clarke attempt to blink away the hallucination. She looked away, remembering what Marcus told her about entertaining bad thoughts.

_You were once beautiful._

The voice was calm in its menacing way. It made Clarke's brows push closer together. The voice wasn't one she had been accustomed to hearing. It once sounded like a snarling whisper, seizing all other sounds but this time it sounded feminine. 

_You were once sane._

Clarke looked up and peered into the mirror. Her reflection stared back at her. Her normally rich blue eyes were dark and her lips curled into a vicious and humorous smirk. The image wasn't her own but that of the negative force that lived inside her mind.

“ _Look at you_.” She saw the reflection speak for the first time. A cold shiver went down her spine when she heard it speak with her own voice. “ _You’re pathetic_.”

“Shut up…” she couldn't keep eye contact with it – with herself.

“ _You’re worthless_.” It continued. “ _No wonder Lexa doesn't want you. You're damaged_.”

“Shut up.” Clarke repeated in a defeated whisper.

“ _If only you weren't crazy_ ,” it chuckled, 

“ _You two would have been perfect. A match made in heaven._ ”

“Shut up.” She said with more conviction. Finally mustering up the will to meet its gaze.

“ _Now look at what you did_.” Its voice echoed, slowly turning back into its sinister tone. “ _You destroy everything you touch_.” Clarke watched as her image trailed its hands down, stopping at her pregnant belly. “ _Even your children_.”

Rage filled her then as Clarke observed how the reflection rubbed it stomach lazily. Its threatening grin grew wider as it knows it has touched a nerve. Clarke balled up her hand into a fist as she filled with blinding anger. This ominous figure terrorized her thoughts but she won't allow it to touch her children. 

“Shut up!” She yelled and with one quick motion, Clarke pulled back her first and hurled it at the mirror.

The mirror cracked in a beautifully dangerous pattern around her fist. Clarke stepped back after releasing a yelp of pain. She held her bleeding hand close to her chest as it twitched with a stinging sensation. Looking down at it, she saw the crimson trail drop onto her clothing and she quickly moved back over to the sink. Turning the knob, she placed her hand under the running water and began cursing at herself. As the water cleared away the blood around her knuckles, Clarke heard a distant jingling approach with a rushed rhythm. She looked down at the mask pattern on Horus’ face and sighed.

“I know buddy.” She gave him a halfhearted smile. “I was doing so good.”

She winced as she began to pull out small glass fragments from her flesh. After cleaning the wounds as best she could, Clarke wrapped a small towel around her hand and sat on the toilet. She cradled it and quietly watched as it still twitched with lingering pain. She smiled at Horus when he looked at her with curiosity and called him over to her. He trotted over towards her and when he was close enough, Clarke scooped him up with her good hand. She nuzzled him and silently listened to his purring, feeling him vibrate against her chest.

Sitting there, Clarke thought about the days in which she didn't question her sanity. When did her fragile mental state start to form? Has it always been there or did she experience some critical moment in her life that opened the flood gates of mental deterioration? When did her life go from picking wedding colors to punching mirrors? Clarke sat here in her vacuum, scratching behind Horus’ ear. The pain in her hand subsided into a dull throbbing and she came to one conclusion. It all started when Lexa Woods walked into her life. 

____________________________________________

 

“What happened to your mirror?”

Clarke heard her mother's voice echo from her bathroom. The sound of approaching footsteps soon replaced the words and she looked up to see the concerned in Abby's face.

“I thought I saw a spider.” Clarke was amused by her lie.

“So you decided to punch it?” Abby didn't seem to enjoy her daughter’s sense of humor.

“It was a _big_ spider.”

Clarke darted her eyes away from the stern look her mother gave her, biting down on her teeth to avoid from chuckling. Abby walked over to her with a sigh and sat down next to Clarke on the bed.

“Marcus wanted me to tell you that he's sorry he couldn't make it.” 

Heaving out a sigh, Clarke was relieved that her mother didn’t push the mirror subject any further. She nodded slowly, accepting the terms of not having her defense system against her mother. _Learning curve_ , she thought and breathed in deeply. 

“How's Finn?”

The relief left her and she was starting to regret asking Abby to come over. But she needed to close the gap between them. Needed to have her mother back so, for now, Clarke will just grin and bear it.

“Have you spoken to him recently?” Abby continued. 

“We text here and there.” Clarke paused, gritting her teeth behind closed lips. “He stops by once in a while to check up on me.”

“So everything is good between you two?”

“We're…” her eyes lifted up towards the ceiling and picked her words carefully. “We're okay.”

“Good” Abby nodded. “But I don't see why you didn't move back in with him in the first place.”  
Clarke didn't want to start another pointless argument so she let silence cover her uncomfortably. 

Rain pounded on the window aggressively and she wished she could enjoy the taste of tea again so she could really take in this good weather. The storm itself was an anomaly. Not really a hurricane but not a typical thunder storm either. The city wasn't prone to the summer storms and the liberal politicians were calling it “an effect of climate change”. Clarke didn't mind the weather though. She felt as if the rain was washing out all the bad and soon the good would fill its place.

“So how's work?” Abby’s voice interrupted Clarke's peace. “Are you still working at that studio?”

Clarke nodded.

“Anya has been nice enough to let me work from home. At the moment I'm just editing what other photographers capture.” She looked down at her stomach, feeling her babies move. “At least until I deliver.”

“Really?” Abby looked intrigued. “So you haven't took any more photos since you started there?”

Clarke was surprised at her mother’s sudden interest in her career. It was refreshing to talk about something other than her love life. She pondered on the subject. Clarke hadn't been behind the lens of a camera since Anya hired her. Mainly for the fact that she was hazing Clarke to do the dirty work like she does with all new employees. Her heart pounded in her chest when she finally remembered the last photo she took. The photo that initially got her the job. With a snowy backdrop and the intervention of golden sun rays, a woman in red was the main focus. Her hair blew gently in front of her and her eyes were focused ahead. It was the look in the woman’s eyes that Anya loved. She said that the woman looked as if she was torn between something. Something that she wants and something that she has to do. Upon asking what was the title of the photo, Clarke could only think of one thing: Look. Don't Touch.

The memory of the photo, the remnant of a better time made her walls crumble. Tears came suddenly, hot and raw. Her body shook as the sobs were uncontrollable. Clarke has not felt this sorrow ever since the passing of her father. She had never shed more than a couple of tears for a lost relationship. Just that simple memory, that moment in time which is immortalized in a picture, finally broke her. All the emotions she buried and tried to forget dug themselves out of their grave.

“Clarke?” her mother said frantically. “Sweetie, what happened? What’s wrong?” Clarke felt Abby’s hands cup her face.

“Damn fucking hormones.” She said with a weak smile, trying to ease the dramatic tension. She looked up at her mother and with a known look, Abby broke her remaining defenses.

She fell into Abby’s arms, sobbing into her chest. Steady hands clasped around her for support. The long missed motherly touch seeped through as she felt her mother stroke her head. She couldn't remember the last time they were like this. Forgotten was the feeling of having her mother there. They stayed there for a moment as Clarke's sobbing turned into soft whimpers by Abby's quiet coos. 

“What's wrong, baby?” Abby whispered. “Why are you crying?”

Clarke contemplated on whether this special moment of reconnection was a false pretense or not. She bit her lip softly then wiped away the tears that marked her face.

“I can't do this anymore.” Her words were barely audible but she knew it found purchase against her mother's ear. “I can't keep pretending as if I'm okay with where my life ended up. I'm not okay not having you there when I need you.” Her chin trembled as the next thought developed in her mind. “I'm not okay with you pushing Finn on me and I'm not okay with not having Lexa in my life.”

She waited for a response, for any sign of retaliation she expected from her mother. But there was silence. No sign of discourse. Not even a murmur. Slow strokes continued through and down her hair. Clarke felt the love of a mother fill the void that was once there. The swelling of her heart sparked something inside of her, making her feel as if she could confide in Abby once again. She shifted off of the bed, blinking away the sting of her emotional episode from her eyes and drew in a deep breath.

“I've seen her, mom…” her voice trailed, not wanting to believe she's confessing her most kept secret. “Lexa. I've seen her my entire life. Every time I looked at myself, I saw her. When I met her, I felt as though the ground opened up and I began falling. Falling fast and hard. Falling into her. That's why it was so easy to leave everything behind for her. She was a stranger but everything about her was so familiar. Every touch, every smile. Everything about her I've known my whole life. I would say that I'm not crazy but at this point in my life, I don't know if I am or not. But believe me when I say that every time I looked in the mirror, Lexa was there. I don't know why or how…but she was there.”

Rain pounded relentlessly against the window as Abby's hand continued to brush Clarke's hair. She wasn't sure if she has said anything at all, wondered if she was just thinking about her affliction rather than vocalizing it. Time ticked by and it made her already anxiety riddled body that much more anxious. Clarke opened her mouth to start her proclamation again but was interrupted.

“I know.”

Clarke's brows bent in confusion. Sitting up straight, away from Abby's embrace, she stared at her mother. The way Abby looked at her gave no indication that she was lying. The browns of her eyes were gentle, softening at the realization of her own confession. Clarke looked hard at her, silently urging her mother to explain her statement.

“I've known for a while that you've seen someone else in your reflection.” Abby's voice shook with every word. 

“You have always been talented. Drawing creatures and characters from who knows where. As you grew up, those drawing would change…except for one. A girl with dark hair and striking eyes.”

Abby paused for a moment. Her eyes shifted between Clarke's like she was trying to read her. She looked as if she was trying to gauge whether or not her daughter was grasping onto what she was saying. 

“At first I thought it was an imaginary friend, but you drew her constantly. Well into your high school years. Your father told me not to worry about it, to not over analyze your creative side.” She reached up to the band looped around her necklace. “Then Jake got sick…and he told me something I thought I'd never believe.”

“What did he tell you?” Clarke felt a single tear roll down her cheek at the mention of her father's fate.

“When it was clear to us that he didn't have that much time,” Abby drew in a shaky breath, trying to control her composure, “he told me his secret. He told me that for as long as he could remember, his family had a… ‘gift’. A gift to be able to see one’s partner in life. The one person made just for them and he told me that girl you drew is _your_ person.”

“What are you saying?” Clarke was in disbelief. “What ‘gift’, what are you talking about?”

“He called it that, but I think it's a curse. A Curse only afflicting the first born. He tried to explain it to me the best he could. That even though you'll see the person you're meant to be with, it didn't come without consequence. Your father told me that you're bound to find this person. That the two are like magnets, slowly pulling towards each other until they finally slam together. And once they meet,” Abby shrugged, looking as if she didn't believe what she was saying, “the life of the ‘gifted’ one is forfeit.”

Clarke looked at her mother strangely. What she said sounded like it was a horrible story plot of a bad movie. Of all the things her mother had told her, this was by far the most ludicrous.

“Forfeit?” Her voice was soaked with skepticism. “What do you mean by ‘forfeit’?”

“I know you haven't been feeling like yourself lately.” Abby took her daughter's hand. “It's because of what you have. Once you've met Lexa, your life is no longer your own.” Her chin shook from the words forming in her mouth. Her eyes became glassy and soon, tears escaped. “And one day…your life will slip away from you.”

Abby’s last words echoed in Clarke's head. It entertained the darkest corners of her mind and only left one question.

“I-I'm going to die?” The words quivered with fear.

_Yes._

That same voice rang out just as Abby slowly nodded. Her heart pounded so violently, it hurt. Her mother must be crazy as well. This is reality. There was no way that any of this could be real. Cursed gift or not, this had to be some sort of sick joke or a messed-up dream in which she needed to wake up from.

“Are you crazy?” Clarke raised her voice, angered by the fairytale her mother was trying to pass off as reality. “If any of this is true, then why didn't dad say anything? Why would he let his daughter have a life like that? Dad died of leukemia, mom. Not from some stupid folk lore.”

“I thought so too, baby.” Abby shifted closer to Clarke. 

“But then I saw Lexa in the flesh. It was then that I knew your father was telling the truth.”

“Why didn't you say anything to me?” Clarke was beside herself. “Why are you telling me this now?”

“Jake made me promise not to say anything. He wanted you to live a normal life. To know real love. A love that you deserve.”

“Normal?” Clarke stood up. “How is that normal? My life hasn't been normal, mom. I've _seen_ someone else in the mirror. Someone that turned out to be a real human being. Now I'm just supposed to believe that I'm going to die because of it? How is that normal?” She paced her bedroom, feeling the anger and confusion seep off of her. “What about my children, mom? One of them will have to live with this. One of them will go through life thinking that they're crazy. I'm sorry but I don't believe you.”

“Why do you think I tried so hard for you to leave Lexa?” Abby had a sense of urgency in her tone. “I thought that maybe there was a chance for you. That maybe things could be different for you.” 

Clarke scoffed, crossing her arms and shook her head as she walked back and forth.

“But I knew from the moment I saw you two together, that you were already in love.” Abby paused and looked down at her hands. “I know that feeling. I experienced it with your father and when he died, I thought I'd never love again. My other half was gone and I felt empty. Then Marcus came into my life and I thought that there could be hope for you. That maybe if you chose to not be with Lexa, you wouldn’t have to die.”

“This is ridiculous.”

“It's not, Clarke. This is serious. Didn't you ever wonder how a healthy man like your father could be taking in the world one day and then cancer spread throughout his body the next?”

“Then when am I going to die?” Clarke's question was partly rhetorical but wholly sarcastic.

“I don't know.” Her mother shrugged. Moments of silence had passed before her eyes widened with realization. “Has Lexa been having dreams about you lately? About you dying?”

“How am I supposed to know that?” Clarke sighed. “We haven't spoken for about a month.”

“You need to ask her.” Abby seemed out of breath. 

“Days before Jake died, I would have terrible dreams about him passing every night…until he finally did.”

Clarke never felt more mortal than she did at that moment. It wasn't her own mortality that plagued her mind, but that of the twin who'd be born first. She didn't want this so called ‘gift’ to be their only inheritance. She wanted that child to actually have a normal life. _This can't be real_ , she thought, _This is the stuff nightmares are made of._

_It's true. All of it._

Suddenly, a strange image of a pear-shaped alien formed in her head. It's bronze metallic skin shined in her memory. It's horribly disfigured body spouted out two pairs of arms, two pairs of legs and its head sported two faces. It was one of the last pieces of art she worked on before leaving the museum. The young co-worker’s lore of the sculpture echoed sinisterly from the corners of her mind. The gods created humans but feared their power and split them up for all eternity. It brought up one question in Clarke's heart: what would happen if the two halves became one?

_____________________________________________

 

“Is Abby on drugs?” 

Raven sat on one of her work benches. Her face was lit up with childlike curiosity and she swung her good leg back and forth.

“This isn't funny, Raven.” Clarke sat in a rather uncomfortable arm chair with her elbows on the workbench and her head in her hands.

“Of course not. Drug abuse isn't a laughing matter.”

Silence fell between them but the low humming of machinery kept the large workshop alive. Clarke wasn't thinking about the consequences of returning to Polaris a month after her meeting with Lexa. Her mind was like a carousel, spinning slowly at first around the absurd story her mother spat out. It spun faster and faster until it was a whirling nightmarish cyclone of ceramic white horses and petrified lions. Soon, it was all she could think about.

The lights blinked momentarily and both the women looked up at the blaring fluorescent bulbs. Raven hopped off the table just as the muffled boom of thunder surround them.

“God.” Raven sighed as she stared at one of the concrete walls. “I wish I had a window. I feel like I’m going crazy looking at gray all the time.”

Clarke watched as Raven walked over to one of the machines that hummed. She tightened her long tale to inspect it and nearly growled when the lights flickered once more.

“You would think a billion-dollar company would save its energy to keep the lights on instead of wasting it on some project that's going to be inert.” Raven’s face turned into a scowl and she shook her head. “Forget I said anything.”

Her sudden dismissal of her statement intrigued Clarke and made her wonder if Raven developed a bad habit. She sat up straight in the chair and studied her friend.

“That happens a lot, doesn't it?”

“What?” Raven didn't bother to look at Clarke. “The lights flickering?”

“No.” Clarke replied plainly. “You saying something you're not supposed to.”

Raven looked at her then, her dark eyes serious and her brow pushed together. She fidgeted with the smooth edges of the machine before turning fully towards Clarke.

“I told you that I was sorry.”

“I know.” Clarke sighed. “But you shouldn't have told him.”

“I didn't mean to. It just slipped out.” Raven crossed her arms and leaned against another table. “I was nervous about Bellamy coming home and stressing about work. He's my best friend, Clarke. I guess I'm used to telling him everything and it just came out. I suppose it all worked out in the end since you guys are friends again.”

“Friends is an overstatement.” Clarke looked down at the table she was sitting at. “We talk and he comes over once in a while but we're still figuring things out.”

“So, you're really going to take care of twins alone?”

“I have to.” Clarke pressed her lips together. “I'm done asking for help.”

“There's nothing wrong with asking for help.” Raven looked at her with a stern expression. “You shouldn’t let your pride get in the way of such things. Plus, you're so much of a princess that everyone is up in arms to come to your aid.”

Clarke darted her head towards Raven and saw no remorse on her face.

“Everyone is so willing to help you.” Raven turned away from her, making herself busy with the machine again. “Me. Finn…” she paused and looked back at Clarke. “Lexa. But I feel like you got lost somewhere along the way to where ever you're trying to go. And sometimes when I look at you, I don't even know who you are anymore.”

Clarke stared at her, trying to understand her friend's words. Raven’s normally relaxed face was carved into a frown.

“You were so confident.” She said in a low voice. “Like you knew where you were going and how to get there. I admired you but recently, you've just been…floating. Lost with nowhere to go. It's like the Clarke I knew was abducted and replaced with a shitty version. You're my best friend too, Clarke and I love you but that doesn't mean I won't call you out on your shit.”

Clarke kept quiet. She knew it wasn't her place to speak and that Raven had probably had this feeling bottled up for a long time. 

“I've never seen someone fuck up so monumentally and goddamn, did you fuck up.” Raven left the machine alone and crossed her arms again. “You had a good thing going with Lexa. As much as I loved you with Finn, I could tell that she was better for you. But frankly,” she started shaking her head slowly, “I don't blame her for acting the way she did when you guys talked.” 

“ _You_ were the one who told me to go talk to her.”

“Oh, please.” Raven stood up straight and began walking towards her. “Like you weren't bursting at the seams to talk to her again. She wasn't going to come to you, Clarke. You needed to go to her. To make the first move. I'm proud of you for that but that doesn't change the fact that you have to deal with the shit storm you caused with her. She's a good woman. Better than most. It's going to take a hell of a lot more than one simple apology to fix anything.”

Clarke wondered why Raven was acting so passionately about Lexa. Where they more than just a boss and an employee or has this situation between herself and Lexa brought two people to become unlikely friends? She knew that Raven was a very friendly woman and that they shared words in passing, but has Lexa found counsel with the sparky brunette? If so, how many times has she sought out Raven’s ear?

“And this whole ‘curse’ thing is bullshit.” Raven’s expression softened slightly, allowing some of her humor and sarcasm to peek through. “Even if it's some old cliché like a gypsy woman cursing the Griffin name, you alone are in control of your destiny. Now, stop looking like you're waiting to die and go get your life together. Starting with Woods.”

Raven’s frown stretched into a pleased smirk and Clarke watched as she grabbed a welding mask. She took her cue to leave when Raven slipped the mask over her face, throw up a brief peace sign, and ignited a blow torch. Clarke stood up slowly as sparks flew haphazardly twenty feet away from her. There was no need to retaliate against her friend for she knew that she was right. Instead, she smiled at the preoccupied engineer as a goodbye and slipped out the door.

Her footsteps thudded against the cold concrete floor as she slowly walked down the long hallway of matte glass walls. Raven's words joined the nightmare carousel, spinning around the hellish ride alongside death and destiny. She knew that nothing was going to be fixed between her and Lexa and if she wanted to make any headway with her, it was best to not let things sit idly. Clarke has already wasted a month letting it simmer in her top-heavy pot of regret but she figured it was a good a time as any.

Distracted by her thoughts, she didn't hear the approaching footsteps that echoed from around the corner. When Clarke turned, she put her arms out in front of her instinctually to avoid colliding with the other person. Feeling clumsy and embarrassed, she looked down and started to apologize but stopped herself upon seeing black heels. Her eyes trailed up long legs, a black skirt that stopped just above her knees, and finally falling on the surprised expression of Lexa. Her slender fingers were wrapped around Clarke's forearm gently and her touch alone was enough to revivify the butterflies in her stomach. 

“Clarke.”

Clarke let out a breath she didn't know she was holding and couldn't help but smile at the sound of Lexa saying her name. When Lexa slowly released her arm, Clarke felt how the warmth of her hand chilled and left her feeling bare. But her smile remained as she saw that Lexa's surprised expression faded to soft curiosity. Clarke watched those tired eyes look past her towards Raven's workshop then back down at her.

“Visiting Ms. Reyes?” Lexa's voice sounded like an old song she'd listen to and recollect all the memories associated with it.

“Y-yes.” Clarke hesitated. “Were you…on your way there?”

Lexa's eyes dropped down to Clarke's pregnant belly and she watched Lexa seem to have a battle within herself. She looked back up at her seconds later and the same coldness Clarke saw before tainted Lexa's earthy eyes. Another battle between head and heart fought within seconds.

“Yes.” Lexa replied plainly.

When Clarke came to the conclusion that Lexa wasn’t going to liberate any more information, she nodded slowly and looked down at the dreary floor.

“Well,” Clarke said softly, “it was nice seeing you again.” Without another word, she walked away from Lexa.

Her heart pounded in her chest at the coincidence of bumping into Lexa. She stretched out her hand to call the elevator but something pulled at her, preventing Clarke from pressing the button. She had suddenly remembered an important event rapidly approaching and cursed at herself for nearly forgetting. While her head spewed out vicious thoughts of Lexa yelling at her, it was Clarke's heart that silenced them. It urged her to turn back and call out for Lexa and for the first time in a long time, she did just that.

With hurried steps, Clarke rounded the corner once more to see Lexa marching slowly down the hallway. A few other employees occupied it now and were nodding towards Lexa in acknowledgement. Clarke hesitated again to make a scene with the CEO but her heart ached for her to continue. 

“Hey Lexa?” 

Lexa stopped in her place, along with some others and Clarke watched as she turned towards her slightly. The coldness in her eyes were gone and Clarke nearly teared up to see it was replaced with sadness. Lexa stood there, waiting silently for whatever Clarke wanted to say. She didn't even know what that was going to be but was relieved to know that Lexa was willing to listen.

“Your birthday is coming up.” Clarke cleared her throat when her voice cracked. “If I don't see you after today…happy birthday.”

She saw how those employees who had stopped to watch the two women interact, turn their heads away from her and towards Lexa. A beat went by without a word from her and Clarke was beginning to think it was a mistake to say anything at all. Lexa stared at her for what seemed to be an eternity and before Clarke could feel anymore regret, Lexa exhaled slowly. 

“Thank you.” Lexa said before turning and continuing down the hallway.

Clarke stood there for a moment, ignoring the stares she received from the gawkers. Even though her heart felt as if it was going to give out at any moment, she felt this unbelievable peace fill her. A peace she only felt in the waking hours in which she would see Lexa lying next to her. This peace came in the form of the slightest gesture. One in which if no one was looking for it, it would have gone unnoticed. Clarke replayed the scene in her head as she slowly made her way back towards the elevator. She remembered Lexa releasing a sigh and before turning away, a familiar phantom smile subtly painted her lush pink lips.

_____________________________________________

 

Clarke was reluctant to leave her apartment. Not only on the account of the relentless downpour, but also learning about the rise of break-ins in the neighborhood. The apartment building wasn't located in a bad part of town but it was one of the cons of living in the city: crime can happen anywhere. Thankfully, the rain wasn't in its full ferocity as Clarke determined upon stepping outside. With an umbrella in one hand and clutching onto her purse with the other, she casually made her way down the rain soaked sidewalk.

The events of the day before still ran wild in her mind but focused on running into Lexa. How that smile could have meant so many things but still being able to lose sleep over it. The fact that she almost forgot Lexa's birthday was a testament to how absentminded she had become and her trek though unruly weather was her form of punishment. Clarke wanted to get her a present, though she wasn't sure how she'd get it to Lexa or if she'd even accept it. But Raven was right. One apology wasn't going to fix anything between them and Clarke was set on showing Lexa that she is indeed trying.

_But what of your gift?_

Clarke clenched her teeth and tightened her grip on the umbrella. She tried to focus on the light thudding of rain against the plastic material overhead.

_Your fate is sealed._

Shaking her head to rid her mind of such thoughts, Clarke made progress down the street. After walking two blocks, she realized that she had no idea what she wanted to get for Lexa. She read through her mental list of what she remembered Lexa saying she liked but ran into a wall on finding something practical. Lexa wasn't one to freely release information without proper investigation on Clarke's part. The mysterious element of the woman was becoming more and more of an inconvenience than a trait Clarke originally found so appealing. Lexa liked collecting art pieces of infamous conquerors, bad vampire shows, and planning a coup within her own company. Though, nothing she could receive as a gift came to mind.

Devastation started to form within her when she couldn't think of a single thing. After all, what can you give someone who has everything? Soon, devastation turned into defeat and as Clarke turned around to walk home, the jingling of a door bell followed by muffled barks caught her attention. Looking up at the name of the store front, she saw that it was a pet store and curiosity got the best of her. She shook off the droplets of rain from her umbrella before entering the store and couldn't help but smile.

Despite the gloomy weather outside, the shop was alive with vibrant color and chatter from the numerous costumers varying from adults to small children. The children squealed in delight as they jumped from cage to cage, looking at all the small animals and begging their parents to get one. Clarke took the liberty to gaze down at the many breeds of puppies the store had to offer and has to contain a strong will to not adopting one herself. She roamed about the store window shopping and nearly laughed at herself upon remembering a small fact about Lexa: she wanted to be a veterinarian. Her forgetfulness was a nuisance because how could she forget that someone like Lexa, a mother regal and stern individual, loved animals.

“Is there anything I could help you with?”

Clarke jumped slightly when a clerk walked up to her, ripping her from her train of thought. She looked at the young man who couldn't be out of his teens, and smiled back.

“A friend of mine is having her birthday in a couple of days and she really likes animals. But I don't want to go as far as getting her a pet.” Clarke chuckled nervously. “Is there anything you could suggest as an alternative?”

The young man stood there for a moment, pondering on the question. After a few seconds, his eyes lit up.

“We do carry stuffed animals. Not like toys for the animals or anything.” He gave her his own shy laughter. 

“We mainly sell them to the parents trying to calm down their kids because they couldn't get a puppy.” He then pointed to the back wall of the store. “They're right over there if you're interested.”

Clarke gave him her thanks and began making her way over to the far wall. She thought about how silly it would be to get a grown woman who's turning thirty a stuffed animal. But curiosity killed the cat as she made the conclusion that it couldn't hurt to have a look.

The wall was filled with different dog and cat breeds and she was amazed that she hadn't found this place sooner. Looking carefully among the animals that were thrown into bins, Clarke was subconsciously looking at the felines exclusively, scanning for one breed in particular. She wasn't surprised when she couldn't find a Snowshoe and settled for a Siamese cat, figuring that her own cat has been mistaken for one all the time.

Upon purchasing the stuffed animal and a bag to place it in, Clarke made her journey back to her apartment. The rain was coming down a lot more and she was careful to not get the gift wet. She must have been too preoccupied that she forgot to look for any approaching cars when she crossed the street.

The blaring sound of a car horn erupted in her ears and Clarke dropped her umbrella and bags as a vehicle came screeching towards her. This is it. She had a split moment to think. _This is how I go._ Lexa's smile was the last thing she allowed herself to picture before the car stopped mere inches away from her.

“Clarke!”

She looked up at the person who popped out of the car and saw the concern but angered face of Finn. She doubled over slightly, placing her hand on the hood of the car and tried to control her breathing. She heard his footsteps rush over and felt his arm loop around her.

“Get in the car.” He said as he guided her over to the passenger side and helped her in.

She heard him curse as he closed the door and walked to the front of the vehicle. She watched as he bent down and picked up her belongings before getting in the car himself.

“What the fuck, Clarke?” Finn shouted as he tossed her things in the back seat.

Clarke looked back to see if the gift was okay and frowned when she saw that the bag was ruined. The pounding in her ears muffled the angry comments spewing out of Finn's mouth. She placed a hand over her heart, feeling its rapid beating gradually slow in pace. She cradled her stomach protectively and stared out the windshield as the last bit of Finn's rant started to chime in.

“Why weren't you paying attention?” She could see him darting his head back and forth between her and watching the road. “What if it wasn’t me? What if they weren't paying attention?” He paused for a moment, then continued in a more angrier tone. “Are you listening to me?”

“Just shut up, Finn.” She said quietly.

“What?”

“I said,” she turned towards him, looking him straight in them eyes, “shut the fuck up.”

The fury in his eyes dulled into embers and Clarke could see his jaw set into place. It became silent in the car then, with the windshield wipers producing sound. When her heart started beating at a normal rate, Clarke closed her eyes and breathed in deeply.

She was faced with death that afternoon and all she could think about was seeing Lexa's smile one last time. To have the opportunity to tell her properly that she loves her. Clarke opened her eyes to see the mesmerizing motions of the wipers and thought of her mother then. Specifically, the tale she told her. If seeing Lexa in her reflection meant that they were supposed to be together and that her life will be taken in result, then one thing came to mind: loving Lexa will be the death of her.

“I'm sorry for yelling at you.” Finn said quietly. “But you should've been more careful.”

He pulled up to the curb in front of her building, grabbed her umbrella and other belongings before exiting the car. Her eyes trailed him cautiously as he rounded the hood and with the umbrella overhead, Finn opened the door for her.

“Head inside. I'm going to find a parking spot.”

Clarke didn't argue with him as she took her things and proceeded into the building. When she reached her apartment, she quickly checked to see if the stuffed animal was damaged in anyway and was relieved to see it remained unscathed. Grabbing her phone from her bag, Clarke decided that nothing was going to hold her back anymore. That if she doesn't do this now, she'll never do it. She carefully thought about what she was going to say in her message and when she was satisfied, Clarke hit the send button.

Clarke – 2:55 pm: “You probably don't want to and I'll understand if you won't but I'd like to see you. Maybe before your birthday?”

She turned her attention to the knocking at her door and called out for them to come in, already knowing who it was.

“You shouldn't do that.” Finn stated when he walked in. “You don't know who it could've been.”

“I knew it was you.” She stared at him.

“Still it's not safe right now. All this rain is making people have cabin fever or something.”  
She rolled her eyes at him and turned away.

“Why are you here, Finn?” She shouted to him as she looked for towels.

“Just checking up on you.” 

Clarke mouthed every word he said, already knowing the statement by heart. She tossed a towel at him after returning to the living room and checked her phone. No messages. She didn't expect anything more than a blank screen and prepared herself to not get a reply. She faced Finn and watched as he removed his jacket and took in a startled breath when he started to dry his hair. His short rose just enough to expose the handle of a gun tucked into the waistband of his jeans.

“Finn…” she said softly, her wide eyes fixed on him. “Why do you have a gun?”

His arms dropped and he gave her a nonchalant look.

“Don't worry. I'm licensed.” He said with a silly grin. He studied her for a second and sighed. “Look. It's for our protection.”

“ _Our?_ ”

“Yes and I was hoping you'd let me stay over. At least until the police could figure out who's behind all the break-ins. I could sleep on your couch.”

“I don't have a couch.” Clarke crossed her arms and watched as Finn looked around her very empty apartment.

“That could be easily fixed.” Finn said sheepishly. “I just want to be sure that you and the babies are going to be alright.”

“Fine, Finn.” She sighed. “If it makes you feel better.”

Clarke ignored the pleased look Finn gave her and walked into the kitchen. She started to make the routine coffee she'd prepare whenever he came over. It wasn’t unbearable having Finn around. She could see that he was trying just like she was. Although she wasn't too worried about the crime spree in her neighborhood, him being there did put her mind at ease.

The phone rattled against the counter just as Clarke handed Finn his cup of coffee and her heart jumped. She tried to not get her hopes up and convinced herself it was a message from someone else. But when she picked up the phone, Clarke couldn't stop smiling.

Lexa – 3:21 pm: “Okay.”

_____________________________________________

 

The sound of thunder shook her awake just as Lexa's lips almost touched hers. Clarke shot up in her bed and witnessed a dull flash break through the cracks of her blinds followed by a soft thunderclap. The same dream still played in her head and she buried her face in her hands. Every time she would lay her head down for bed, despair would fill flames before sleep takes her. She never wants to wake up for she was having a much better time dreaming. She was happy in her dream world. No depression or anxiety crippled her there. No malicious mimic tormented her in that realm. Most importantly, Lexa was hers. Clarke never wanted to wake up for every time her eyes would open, she woke up into a nightmare. 

There was no perception of time. The dark heavy cloud cover made sure of that. As much as Clarke loved the sound of rain and thunder, it was becoming more and more like nails on a chalkboard. She was sick of it and longed for the heat of the sun against her skin. Anything would be better than rain at this point. Despite her dreadful morning, she did have something to look forward to. It was the day before Lexa's birthday and the day in which she agreed to meet with her. Butterflies roamed around in Clarke's stomach with anticipation of seeing Lexa again and she bit her lip to prevent herself from bursting. 

Slowly getting out of bed, she made her way out and into the living room. The rumble of sleep grew louder with each step she took and Clarke looked over to her right to see Finn strewn out on a blow-up bed. She looked at him for a moment, remembering the times she would watch him sleep. Those memories seemed so distant and fabricated. She was so in love with him back then, blind to see what laid beneath the surface. Now, she stood there and looked at him warily as if at any moment, he'd spring off that bed and charge at her.

The light jingling of Horus’ collar caught her attention as the tiny animal jumped onto the inflatable bed. His icy blue eyes intensely staring at the man and Clarke watched as the feline’s body curled and got ready to pounce. She debated on letting Horus attempt his attack, seeing that it'd be a more entertaining start to her day. She didn't want to wake a sleeping giant though so she called out to Horus with hushed disapproval. Her companion darted his head in her direction and looked as if he’d been caught red handed. She watched him as the fur on the scruff of his neck relaxed and sat at ease with a guilty look in his eyes.

“One day.” Clarke whispered and smirked when Horus responded with a quiet meow. 

She kept a keen eye on him momentarily, seeing if Horus was planning anything devious. When she was convinced that he wasn't going to attempt another attack, Clarke turned the corner and entered the kitchen. She gulped down her prenatal vitamins as she prepared a pot of coffee. As the metallic tasting liquid filled her mouth, she nearly groaned at the fact that she has yet to purchase a water filter. Knowing that if she just had decent and clean tasting water, her life would be that much better. _The little things in life_ , she thought as she made her way back to her bedroom.

After gauging what time it was, Clarke knew she had only a couple of hours to get ready and meet up with Lexa. This time, she actually groaned when she turned on the lights of the bathroom and saw the shattered mirror. _Water filter and a new mirror._ She made a mental note and began brushing her teeth.

Shy knocks on her bedroom door stopped her routine and she allowed Finn to enter.

“I have to use the bathroom.” He said in a groggy voice standing in the threshold of the room. 

Clarke didn't really think it through when she agreed to having Finn stay at her place every night. The first night he stayed over was tolerable if she quickly grew tired of having to dodge him whenever he needed to use the bathroom or change out of his sleepwear. She tried to convince herself that it would only be a little while longer until the break-ins would be stopped and Finn would soon be on his way. Clarke didn't want to get used to him being there every night. Didn't want to fall into the same domestic routine with him.

She sat on the edge of her bed patiently as Finn utilized her bathroom. Holding her phone in her hand, she fully expected to receive a message from Lexa cancelling their plans. The fact that she has yet to get one, made her nervous in a good way. It'll just be them. No battleground in the form of Lexa's office. No innocent messenger ushering Clarke away with the woman’s rejection. Just them and the parley location.

“So, are you going to tell me what happened to your mirror?” Finn said, still suffering from sleep.  
She looked down at the scabs on her knuckles and ran the tip of her finger over one. Clarke looked back up at him, not even trying to hide her smirk.

“A spider.”

“A _spider_?” He repeated, catching her in her lie just like Abby did.

When she saw that he wasn’t going to leave until he got a proper answer, she stood up with a sigh and made her way to the bathroom.

“I don't want to talk about it.” She brushed passed him but was stopped with a strong grip on her arm. Clarke spun around and glared up at Finn who the immediately retracted his hand.

“I'm sorry.” His voice was low and he threw up his hands in surrender. “I'm just…I'm worried about you.” 

“I can take care of myself.” She stood her ground, not wanting to turn her back to him.

The atmosphere in the room grew tense and Clarke watched as Finn looked her over. Her eyebrow bent in curiosity as to what he was looking for and she didn't appreciate being studied. When he looked back up at her, there was conflict in his eyes. As if he was considering his next words.

“Ever thought of seeking professional help? Maybe a therapist or psychiatrist? Whichever you need.”  
She blinked at his comment like she didn't understand him. Clarke was angered by his bold assumption that she might not be right in the head. She knew she was crazy but to have him tell her so was a step too far.

“I don't need a goddamn shrink, Finn.” She lashed out at him. “What I need is to buy a new mirror.”

“Okay, okay.” Finn surrendered again. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything.”

“No. It wasn't your place.” Clarke tried to relax herself but still stared at Finn coldly. “I think you should stay at your place tonight.”

Finn opened his mouth to respond but instead let out a heavy sigh and nodded.

“I'm sorry.” He said again in defeat and slowly exited the room.

_____________________________________________

 

She was running late. Of all the days the rain could have caused traffic, it had to be today. Clarke frantically checked her watch every thirty seconds in the back of a dirty taxi, her nerves firing on all cylinders. A message was sent to Lexa about fifteen minutes ago to explain her tardiness and she had to restrain herself to send another.

“Crazy weather, eh?” The man in the driver seat tried to make conversation but it did little to distract her.

Her leg was shaking uncontrollably as the taxi finally pulled up to her destination. Clarke, in her hurried state, did all but throw her money at the driver and practically jumped out of the back seat. She immediately regretted the haste when she forgot to open her umbrella. Despite the door of the building being a few feet away from the curb, the rain left its imprint on her by the time Clarke walked into the café.

The familiar smell of freshly baked goods and brewing coffee filled her nostrils and it was like being hit with nostalgia. Her eyes scanned the room and landed on a woman sitting by one tall window. Lexa sat quietly at a cloth table, her tired eyes were fixed on her phone. With each step she took towards the woman, her heart raced faster and faster. _Don’t screw this up,_ she thought and breathed in deeply. Clarke nearly stopped in her tracks when Lexa looked up as she approached the table. While her face was emotionless, her eyes told a story.

“Clarke.” The corner of Lexa's lips pulled up slightly before returning to its default frown.

“Hey.” Her greeting was breathy as if she was finally able to take in air into her lungs. When Clarke started to pull out her chair, Lexa shot up and went to her side.

“Allow me.”

Lexa assisted Clarke down into her chair with one hand on her shoulder and the other holding onto her forearm. Clarke was relieved that she didn't have to make a fool of herself by leaning awkwardly as she lowers herself into a seated position. She passed a hand slowly over her swollen stomach as Lexa returned to her own chair. Clarke was feeling her twins shift inside of her and when she looked up, Lexa's eyes were on her belly.

“Are you okay?” Lexa's word were laced with concern.

“Yes.” Clarke gave her a small smile. “They're just moving around.”

She kept an eye on Lexa, now trained to see the slightest change of expression. Those eyes shifted away from her, looking down at the table. Clarke could see her jaw clenching and relaxing in rapid succession. Lexa was holding back and it pained her to see that.

“This is for you.” Clarke didn't want silence to take them and handed Lexa a small red bag. “Happy early birthday.”

Lexa's eyes faintly lit up as she took the bag. One brow was arched with interest and Clarke could see that she was genuinely surprised.

“You shouldn't have.” Lexa's voice was low.

“That doesn't change the fact that I wanted to.”

Lexa held the small red bag delicately in her hands and Clarke saw her hesitation. Her eyes gingerly trailed back up to Clarke's, studying her. Lexa was looking for something in her, answers to unspoken questions Clarke would never know. She felt vulnerable under Lexa's gaze. Felt as if she was being dissected and stitched up over and over again. Clarke didn't mind it though. She was just happy to be in Lexa's presence once more.

Lexa pursed her lips and inhaled deeply through her nose before looking into the bag. Clarke smiled when that expressionless face opened up into a delighted surprised. She watched as Lexa's slender hand reached down into the bag and pull out the Siamese stuffed animal.

“It looks like Horus.” Lexa said with her eyes focused on the cat, a grin forming on her face.

“It's nothing big.” Clarke shrugged. “I know how much you loved him. I wanted you to have something resembling that grumpy cat.”

A soft low giggle came across the table and it made Clarke's heart flutter. Oh, how she had missed the happy sounds Lexa would often make when they were together. How no matter what she was feeling that day, when Lexa laughed everything else didn't matter. To know that she was happy was all Clarke needed.

_She's not happy. Far from it. All because of you._

Clarke's smile disappeared at the thought. She blinked it away, not allowing it to rob her of the time she had with Lexa.

“I hope you like it.” Clarke said timidly.

“I do.” Lexa still had a smile as she put the stuffed animal away. “Thank you.”

For a spilt moment, everything felt right. There was no aversion, no love lost between them. It felt as if they had picked up right where they ended. Clarke couldn't think that way for nothing was fixed. Lexa's angered words still dangled over her head and the fact that she was there in front of her wasn't anything less than divine intervention. This was the first step to cleaning up the mess she made and this time, Clarke was going to do it right.

“How have you been?” Clarke asked after the server came over and took their orders.

“I'm fine.” It seems like hesitation has become second nature for Lexa. “And yourself?”

“I'm okay.” 

When Lexa's smile faded, Clarke knew she was caught in a lie. Lexa has always been able to catch her lies and Clarke felt foolish for trying to get away with it. What could she say though? That her dreams are better than reality? That she hates what she sees every time she looks in the mirror or that she has become a fraction of who she once was? How could Clarke tell her that there were no amount of words in the world to express how truly sorry she was for hurting Lexa? How she wishes she could take back all the things she did and replace them with good memories. She had become a stain on Lexa's heart and she wanted to clean it all away.

“Is your pregnancy going well?”

The question surprised her. Clarke looked at Lexa and saw genuine curiosity in her eyes.

“Yes, it is.” She looked down at her stomach and cradled it. “I'm due in October.”

Lexa just nodded. Clarke could tell that there were more questions forming behind her lips but her strong will interfered. She had a few of her burning questions and Clarke didn't want to waste her opportunity to ask them. Even if Lexa didn't answer any of them, Clarke wanted her to know that she still cares. When the server came over and placed their steaming beverages on the table, she waited until they were alone again.

“I have to ask,” she leaned forward, averting her eyes away from Lexa for a moment. “How's your company? How's Luna? Is everything okay with you?”

Lexa blinked at her, a cup of coffee stopping half way to her lips. Clarke knew she was being brazen but at this point in her life, she was living like this day was her last. 

“You asked so much in such a short amount of time.” A smirk appears on Lexa's face as she raised the cup to her lips and took a sip. “But why does any of it concern you?”

“Because I care.”

“Do you now?”

Lexa's eyes became cold then but there was no time to regret her loose tongue. Clarke stared back at her unapologetically. She wanted to know and she was standing her ground against the glares. At this moment, she had nothing else to lose. When Lexa swallowed hard and sighed, Clarke knew that she had won. 

“To answer your questions in order,” Lexa's time was that of reluctance, “everything is going according to plan. Luna is back in London and like I said, I'm fine.”

“According to _your_ plan or your uncle’s? Are you with Luna?”

“You're being bold, Clarke.” Lexa's expression twisted in annoyance. “And frankly, it is none of your concern. You have no place to ask those questions.”

Lexa sat down her coffee and placed her elbows on the table. Her eyes never left Clarke's and the way they glinted with anger sent a shiver down her spine. 

“How about you answer some of my questions?” Lexa said in a low slightly snarling tone. “Does Finn know you're here with me?”

“He's not my keeper.” Clarke crossed her arms. “What I do is none of his business. We're not together if that's what you're asking.”

“Then why did you leave?” The walls of Lexa's tough exterior were cracking, allowing Clarke to see a glimpse of what laid beneath the surface.

She saw everything in those eyes. Saw the dark circles resting under those shades of green, indicating her restlessness. Lexa was tired and looked hopeless. Her eyes spoke the feelings her lips failed to describe. 

“None of this,” Clarke spread her arms out slightly, gesturing everything but nothing, “was fair to you.”

“How you left wasn't fair to me.” Lexa leaned back in her chair, her eyes still focusing on Clarke. “It's not fair that I'm continuously haunted by you. Just when I thought that sleep was my only escape,” Lexa pauses and breathed in, “I've been having horrible dreams.”

Clarke’s eyes widened and terror began to fill her. 

“What…what kind of dreams?” Her voice was shaky. “Were they about me…dying?”

Lexa's brows bent closer together and she narrowed her eyes a bit. She licked her lips briefly before leaning forward.

“How did you know?” Lexa's words were hushed as if she had been found out.

No. There was no way that Abby's far-fetched story was true. All of this had to be a coincidence. How could Clarke believe a game of star crossed lovers? That even though two people were meant to be together, it'd all be for naught. She was half way into believing that it was pure fiction, that was until Lexa confirmed one thing her mother told her. 

Clarke stared at Lexa for a moment. Both their eyes were wide and while Lexa reacted with curiosity, Clarke was out of fear. Her near death experience, just days before, seemed more and more like a certainty than being foolishly unaware of her surroundings. The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end and Clarke looked around the café, seeing if death was stalking her

“Clarke?” Lexa brought her back to reality. “What is it? Is something wrong?”

Clarke slowly looked back at Lexa and shifted in her chair uncomfortably. Her hands became clammy and she could see herself rocking slightly back and forth.

“Is there something you're not telling me?” Lexa always knew when something was wrong with her.

Her heart pounded painfully in her chest when she came to a decision. A decision that'd make her look insane in Lexa's eyes. She was going to having to tell her, no matter the consequences. Wiping off the sweat from her hands on her dress, Clarke stared at the worried woman across from her.

“Lexa,” she felt out of breath, “there's something I need to tell you.” When Lexa gave her a serious look, Clarke continued. “No matter how much this sounds crazy or made up, you have to believe me.”

Lexa nodded, remaining silent but her eyes showed eagerness. Clarke didn't know how to explain her affliction without sounding deranged but knew they there were no words to make it sound even remotely logical. 

She started from the beginning and didn't miss one detail. Clarke told her everything: seeing her in her reflection, the unstoppable force that brought them together and everything Abby had told her. All the while Lexa just sat there quietly listening and giving no sign of disbelief. Her eyes would scan Clarke's face – looking for any signs of a lie. Lexa's head would tilt to the side slightly and Clarke tried to read her expression. 

Her silence was unnerving. The only sound between them was that of the quiet chatter of the people around the café and the muffled rainfall. Clarke went on explaining why her mother didn't tell her about this “inheritance” until recently. She kept her eyes off of Lexa as she told her that seeing her in her reflection meant that they were fated together. How Abby tried everything in her power to tear them and keep them apart. 

Lexa leaned back in her chair, folding her arm as her jaw moved from side to side. Her eyes were no longer narrowed but they glared at Clarke. She could sense that Lexa was not at ease and witnessed her processing all of the information she just spat out. 

“If all of this is true,” Lexa finally broke her silence, “then you're telling me that you're going to – “

“Die.” Clarke finished her train of thought. “I know I must sound crazy. I didn't want to believe it myself but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Why I felt this pull towards you and why everything was trying to tear us apart.” 

Clarke put her hand on the table, silently asking for Lexa's hand. She was reaching for her and at that moment, she felt like she always will be. Clarke watched Lexa carefully, saw as her eyes darted down to her outstretched hands. She could see the conflict behind those tired eyes and began rooting for the heart to win. 

“You have to believe me.” Clarke said softly. “You know I wouldn't just say things like this if I didn't think they were true.”

Lexa’s eyes shot up to meet with hers and Clarke felt relief when she saw anything but coldness. 

“I'll admit that there was no getting away from you after that day in the museum.” Lexa still had her arms crossed. “My attraction for you was immediate and uncomfortable. As I sit here, looking at how much more beautiful you've become, all I want to do is finally have you back in my arms.” When her head started to shake slowly, Clarke could feel her heart breaking. “But you cannot expect me to believe that you are ‘cursed’. There are many things that I could believe. Ghosts, aliens, even Bigfoot. But how could I possibly believe that you and I are a part of a bigger scheme and you're going to die because of it?”

Clarke retracted her hand and tried to find a way to make Lexa accept what she had said. She knew that it'd be hard to swallow but it all can't just be coincidence. But as she looked at Lexa, seeing how the woman wasn't budging, Clarke realized there was no convincing her. 

“I – I think I should go.” Clarke said quietly as she pulled out money from her bag. She placed it on the table to pay for her untouched drink and looked up at Lexa who just watched her silently. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. Thank you for seeing me. I hope you have a wonderful birthday.” When she began to stand up, Clarke heard a heavy sigh from across the table.

“Wait.” Lexa held her hand up. “It's raining and people have been driving erratically lately.” She stood up and walked over to Clarke. “Let me take you home.” 

Clarke looked up at her in surprise. While Lexa was the master at not allowing any emotion to show on her face, her eyes always betrayed her. Through her stony expression, Lexa's eyes told Clarke something she always wanted to know; something she always doubted. People say “I love you” in different ways. May it be, “I would've burned this city to the ground just to show you the light” or, “let me take you home”. No, she had never heard Lexa say “I love you” and probably never will. But now, with Lexa's small confession and her traitorous eyes, Clarke knows what the head won't allow the heart to say. 

_____________________________________________

 

She remembers the first time they rode in the car together. Except for the sound of the windshield wipers, it was quiet just like it was then. Everything was the same just as before. Strangers then and strangers now. In that moment, they were one with the unnatural weather. Like thunder and lightning, they were always slightly off. Clarke began to accept that they'll be this way from now on. That no amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future. Being there with Lexa was more than enough for her.

“Here you are, Ms. Griffin.” Gustus’ voice boomed in the quiet cabin of the sedan.

Before he could exit the car, Lexa was already out, holding an umbrella overhead. Clarke stared at her for a moment before she realized what she was doing. Her apartment building was on Lexa's side of the vehicle and she took it upon herself to make sure Clarke could get out without getting soaked. She smiled softly as she scooted across the backseat and out into the muggy, wet city. Lexa held the umbrella above them as they made their way to the entrance of the building. 

“Thank you for that.” Clarke spoke softly. “I'm sure Gustus could've done it though.”

“I'm sure he could have.” Lexa looked at the door of the building curiously then back at her. “This seemed easier.” There was a small pause before Lexa continued. “Well, I hope everything…doesn't turn out the way you think it is. Thank you for the gift.” With that, she turned and walked out into the pouring rain.

“Do you want to come up?” Clarke called out to her. She watched as Lexa stopped half way to the car and turned slightly towards her. “I thought that maybe…maybe you'd like to see Horus. I'm sure he misses you.”

Clarke was sure that comment wasn't entirely false. She was well aware that she was using her car as an excuse to spend more time with her. The only thing that she was thinking was that if she was going to die, she wanted to spend her last days with Lexa. It was a morbid feeling to think about death all the time, but also invigorating. The way Clarke was handling her time with Lexa was without refrain. She was doing what she wanted, not giving consequence a chance to shine. Oh, how freeing it felt. 

Lexa stood still in the middle of the sidewalk. Rain poured down around her as it slid off the umbrella gracefully. When Clarke thought she was going to walk away, Lexa turned back to the car and gave Gustus a wave over her head. The dark sedan pulled away from the curb when Lexa pivoted and walked over to Clarke.

Without questioning how that excuse worked, Clarke led them through the lobby and towards the elevator. Déjà vu hit her as they waited for it to return to the floor. Images of them embracing in heated ecstasy made her heart pound. She looked over at Lexa, who was rigid by her side, and thought that maybe she was remembering the same thing. The babies shifted in her stomach when Lexa looked over at her, her eyes revealing hidden emotions. A small smile crossed Clarke's face as she looked down and placed a hand where the small kicks impacted. 

“Is everything okay?” Lexa sounded worried when the elevator finally reached them. 

“They just love kicking me.” Clarke said in a playful tone and stepped into the lift. She pressed the button for her floor and when the door slid shut, she peeked over at Lexa. “Would you like to feel?”

Lexa stared at her like Clarke just asked her to jump out of a plane. It wasn't terror that crossed her poised face. It was that of uncertainty and doubt. There was so much turmoil within the woman and it made Clarke smile. To think that a strong woman like Lexa, who faces off against opposing forces in her company, could easily be shaken by a simple question. To Clarke's surprise, Lexa eventually reached out towards her. With a smile still on her face, Clarke took Lexa's hand and placed it over where she felt the kicks.

Moments went by as they tried to stay still in the ascending elevator until another small kick pressed against Lexa's hand. Followed by another and another. Lexa's eyes glared up at Clarke's with thrill. Her heart melted when Lexa smile and she couldn’t stop herself before taking the woman's hand and placing it over her heart. 

“I love you Lexa.” The words flew out of her mouth, leaving a sweet after taste. 

Clarke didn't regret saying those words when the smile faded from Lexa's face. She meant it with all of her being and she'll continue to say it. Lexa didn't pull away though. She swallowed hard as her eyes shifted between Clarke's.

“I – “

The elevator dinged at the arrival of her floor, making Lexa move away. Clarke looked at her briefly, seeing how fast Lexa's walls went up. Not another word was spoken between them as they walked down the hallway. She was sure that Lexa would have departed from her but when Clarke looked over her shoulder, she was still there. 

“Excuse the mess.” Clarke said as she pulled her keys out from her bag. “I’m still unpacking so it's – “

Before she could finish her words, Clarke was spun around and pushed against the wall beside the door. A slender hand cupped her face as Lexa leaned in and kissed her. It was hard and desperate, leaving Clarke shocked and confused as to what was happening. She could feel Lexa's hands tremble against her cheeks. Feel how her body pressed against her fragile form briefly before slowly pulling away. They stared at each other, their faces just inches apart. Lexa’s lips were reddening from the urgency of her kiss. 

“No matter how hard I try,” Lexa's words came out low and hungry, “nothing I can do can keep me away from you. You hurt me and I should hate you but I just can't.” She bit her lower lip and breathed in deeply. “I'm bound to you.” 

Her heart skipped a beat, making Clarke painfully aware of it. She felt it swell but tighten. It hurt but in an oh so good way. She has dreamt of this moment of bliss – of being in Lexa's embrace. But no dream world compared to this plane of existence and for the first time, Clarke did not prefer the sweet escape of sleep. Lexa was there, standing still as she gazed at her with intoxicated eyes. Clarke leaned in slowly, not wanting to ruin anything with words. Her eyes darted between Lexa's eyes and mouth, looking for any indication that what she was doing was unwanted. When their lips met, they both drew in a deep breath. Clarke took her time as she softly planted soft kiss after soft kiss on the affection starved woman. Lexa's perfume and the slight smell of rain made her feel dizzy and when a shy tongue touched her lips, Clarke nearly lost control. She pulled away and with nothing more, she took Lexa's hand and led her into her apartment.

Clarke felt like she walked back in time when she entered her home. The lights were on and emerging from the kitchen was a surprised Finn.

“Finn?” Clarke let go of Lexa's hand and stepped forward. “What are you doing here?” She looked back at Lexa and saw her survey the empty blow up bed. “I thought I told you to leave.”

Finn looked past her at Lexa and sauntered closer to them. His eyes were dark and his expression was slowly twisting into displeasure. She looked over her shoulder at Lexa again and saw that she was giving him the same dangerous glare.

“What is _she_ doing here?” Finn's tone was frightening.

“That's none of your business, Finn.” Clarke was angry at herself for not making sure he left before her. “You need to leave.”

“No.” He crossed his arms. “I think I'll stay.”

Lexa stepped in front of her then. Her back was straight and her shoulders were tense. She breathed in the intensity coming off of Lexa and shifted her eyes between the two dueling individuals.

“You heard her.” Lexa's words were fierce. “Leave.”

With Lexa's subliminal warning, Clarke realized why she moved in between her and Finn. She was keeping her promise she made to Clarke all those months ago on New Year’s night. Lexa wasn't going to let anyone hurt her and Clarke felt that much safer from Finn's rising anger. 

“Who do you think you are telling _me_ to leave?” Finn threw down his arms to his side and Clarke could see him balling up his fists. “She's carrying _my_ children. I have a right be here. _You_ need to leave.” 

“Finn,” Clarke grabbed on to Lexa's arm instinctually, “if you don't leave right now, I swear I'll revoke custody from you.”

He turned his anger towards her then. Clarke could feel the darkness of his eyes envelope her like a thick black cloak. The corner of his mouth tugged upwards into a disturbing smirk, amused by her threat. In a slap calm motion, reached behind him and pulled out his newly acquired pistol. Finn stared at them, the smirk still on his face. Clarke could feel the muscles tensing up in Lexa's arm and tightened her grip. Lexa must have sensed her fear and shifted in front of her more so that her body obscured Clarke's.

“You shouldn't make empty threats, Clarke.” Finn's smirk faded into a snarl. “Now tell her to leave.” When the two women said nothing, he raised the gun and pointed it at Lexa.

Lexa's hand shot up towards him while the other started to slowly push Clarke further behind her. 

“Finn, what the hell are you doing?” Clarke shouted.

“Put the gun down, Finn.” Lexa spoke in a more collected tone. “There's no need for violence. We could talk about this like adults.”

“Everything is your fault.” Finn said through gritted teeth. “I lost everything because of you. My best friend and the love of my life. You took everything away from me! I won't let you take my kids.”

As Finn pulled back the hammer, a low growl followed by a hiss emerged and a white blur pounced at his thigh. He let out a startled yelp when he felt Horus’ attack and Lexa saw her opportunity. When Clarke blinked, Lexa was already by Finn. His body doubled over as she jammed her shoulder into his abdomen, knocking the distracted man to the floor.

“Lexa!” Clarke screamed out as the woman tumbled on top of Finn.

Lexa was quick to her feet and relief washed over Clarke when she saw her kick the pistol out and away from Finn's hand. Her small moment of comfort was erased when he grabbed Lexa's ankle and yanked at it forcefully, making her lose her footing. Clarke felt helpless watching Finn get to his feet and proceeded to slam his foot into Lexa's side. The sound that erupted from Lexa as the blow landed resonated in Clarke's ears and tears began to pool in her eyes. 

“Finn stop it!” She pleaded. “You're hurting her!”

When he looked up at her angrily, Lexa grabbed Finn's leg and dragged him back down. Clarke gingerly stepped closer to the two bodies scrambling on the hard floor and watched as Lexa got the upper hand. She was able to pull away from Finn's grasp, climb on top of him and plunged her fist at his face. A sickening sound of flesh slamming into one another filled the room. Clarke’s eyes widened with horror when Finn capitalized on his opponent. He twisted his lower body, shoving Lexa off of him. Finn was on top of her now, returning his own beating down on to her face. 

“Finn! Stop!” Clarke lurched at him. 

She grabbed on to his face and attempted to scratch at his eyes. Clarke knew her efforts weren't in vain when she felt her fingertips penetrate something moist and soft. Finn let out a yell of pain and growled angrily at her. His head turned toward her, exposing one closed eye starting to bleed. With one powerful arm, he shoved her away from him. Clarke tripped over herself and couldn't control the twisting of her body. 

Unbearable pain shot through her entire body, leaving her feeling stunned. Terror coursed its way into her when she realized that she had landed on her stomach. Clarke laid there motionless. Her pulse pounded heavily in her ears and she could swear that she tasted iron in the back of her mouth. She used all of her strength to turn on to her back, wincing from the aching in her belly. She lifted herself up on her elbows and saw that her vision was fading in and out.

A stomach-churning gurgling sound echoed in the silent apartment as her eyes began to adjust. Clarke's heart dropped and her breathing became rapid when she noticed where it was coming from. Finn's back was slightly bent as he sat on Lexa's stomach. Her legs were kicking wildly behind him in an effort to kick him off. His arms were straight, locked in place, and his hands were clasped around Lexa's neck. He was choking her. 

_He’s killing her, he's killing her…_ Clarke's mind ran in a panic. _He’s going to kill her!_ She looked around for something, anything to stop this; to save Lexa. A black, metallic object caught her attention and she knew exactly what it was. Clarke began to crawl over it, dragging her body every inch she could. All the while as she painstakingly got closer to it, the gurgling started to subside and hysteria filled her.

With the last bit of her strength, Clarke finally grabbed the object and aimed the gun at Finn's back. Her hand shook uncontrollably as she remembered the advice Octavia gave her long ago. “ _Take body shots. Aim for center mass and you're bound to hit something_.” She shook her head at the thought. Clarke didn't want to shoot Finn, just get his attention. When she was able to get some control of her breathing, she aimed the pistol past the man and pulled the trigger. 

_Click._

Her heart jumped when the gun didn't fire when she expected it to. Clarke looked by the handle and saw that the safety was still on. Gulping down a couple more deep breaths, she switched off the safety and fired again. The gun shot felt like it deafened her and the ringing in her ears were enough to make her squeeze her eyes shut. Finn's body jumped in reaction to the gun going off and he immediately twisted his body to look over at Clarke. Fury left his eyes and he put his hand up towards her, but she didn't lower the weapon. 

“Clarke…” he said in an oddly calm manner as he lifted himself off of Lexa. “Give me the gun.”

She didn't want to take her eyes off of him but she wanted to see any sign of life in Lexa. Clarke made a mistake in doing so for Finn was on her in a second. His body was heavy on top of her, making it difficult to breath. Both of them grunted and squirmed as Finn tried to take the pistol away for her. She tried to bite at him, tried anything to get him off of her but he was too strong. Clarke felt her grip loosen around the handle and felt her only chance to walk away from this slip away. Hot tears tracked down her face when she realized what she needed to do. Before the gun was completely out of her hand, Clarke squeezed the trigger once more. 

This time, the gun shot was muffled by their bodies and she nearly cried out from the hot barrel burning through her dress. Finn's eyes widen and he went still. He stared at her like he was peering into her being, as if he was trying to convey something. Her breath hitched as she saw that his eyes glazed over before his body slumped on top of her. 

“I'm sorry.” She whispered to him. 

Getting out from under him was difficult but when she did, Clarke remained still. She didn't want to make any noise. All she heard was silence and fear struck her harder than anything Clarke had ever felt. 

“L–Lexa?” She called out.

Nothing. A roll of thunder came over head. Rain pounded against the window. Horus’ collar emerged from her bedroom and the feline made his way over to the motionless body. Clarke listened for any signs of life. Anything to indicate that Lexa was still with her. Nothing. 

_She's gone._

Sobs erupted from her and her eyes burned as more tears fell.

_She's dead and it's all your fault._

Clarke stared at the still body, studying the hands that were once soft and warm against her face. 

“No…” she managed to vocalize through her raw throat. “Not her. Please, not her. Take me.”

Just as she succumbed to the despair of losing Lexa, her slender fingers twitched. Clarke's eyes widened at the small movement and nearly fell over in relief when Lexa's chest lifted as she took in a sharp breath. 

“Lexa!” Clarke cried out. 

The woman coughed harshly as she gasped for air. Clarke's limbs moved on their own and she found herself sliding towards Lexa. She watched as the woman lifted herself up on her elbow, grabbing at her already bruising neck. 

“Cl–Clarke…” her voice was raspy and damaged. Lexa rushed over to her side and cradled Clarke in her lap. She looked up at Lexa's face, seeing how it was beginning to swell. Streaks of blood trickled out of her nose, a busted bottom lip and her left cheek bone. Clarke watched how Lexa looked over at Finn for a moment then back down at her. When her expression went from worry to terrified, Clarke's brow furrowed. 

“Everything is going to be okay, Clarke. I promise.” Lexa struggled with the words as she was still straining from the damage done to her throat. 

“What – “ Clarke grabbed onto Lexa's shirt, making sure she was indeed alive. “What's wrong? Are you…” she started to feel lightheaded. “Are you…okay?”

Lexa’s face started to blur as the corners of Clarke's vision darkened. It was then that she felt her heart slow, the adrenaline was wearing off, and she felt immense pain in her stomach and womanhood. She looked down and true terror ran through her. Dark, thick liquid trailed down her legs and when she reached down to touch it, it was warm and sticky. Her vision began to fade more just as she brought her hand back up to her face. Bright red fluid painted her fingertips and Clarke glanced back up at Lexa.

“My babies…” was all she managed to say before darkness took over.

_____________________________________________

 

Her eyes drifted slowly shut and panic filled Lexa. Clarke draped lazily in her arms and she watched as her chest still heaved from shallow breaths. 

“Clarke!” She shook the woman until her eyes slowly opened. “Stay wake.” 

“I'm…” her voice was breathy, “I'm so tired, Lexa.”

“I know, I know.” Lexa said with urgency, swiping a strand of blonde hair away from Clarke's face. “But you can't go to sleep now. You need to stay with me, okay?”

Clarke nodded sluggishly and Lexa could tell it was taking a lot for her to keep her eyes open. She needed to think quickly, needed to get Clarke to the hospital. _Gustus_. Lexa thought knowing that he was somewhere parked idly. With one hand holding firm to Clarke's shoulder, Lexa searched her person to find her phone. Dread loomed over her when she realized that she had left it back in the car, thinking that she'd be in and out of the apartment quickly. She looked down at Clarke and shook her once more to wake up.

“Clarke,” she whispered when those blue ocean eyes gazed up at her, “I need you to be strong for me right now, okay?” When Clarke blinked slowly and nodded, Lexa continued. “I'll be right back, I promise. Stay awake. Can you do that for me?”

“I'll try.” Clarke's weak voice was enough to shatter her heart.

Lexa quickly took off her coat, careful not to move Clarke that much, bundled it up, and gently laid her head on it. She looked over her for a moment before dashing out of the apartment. Only being on the third floor, she didn’t pay any mind to the elevator and darted down the stairwell. Lexa ignored the screaming pain in her side as she descended three flights of stairs and ran out into the rain. Her eyes shot down the street, trying to find the familiar dark vehicle. The downpour obscured her vision but it wasn't enough to deter Lexa's search. 

“God damn it.” She swore under her breath. “Where is he?”

Lexa was losing time, time she did not have. Abandoning her task, she raced back upstairs. Everything in her hurt when she saw Clarke laying there on the hard floor. Lexa let out a small groan of pain when she went on her knees beside her and checked her pulse. It was weak but still there. Blood started to pool around Clarke's lower body and Lexa never felt more useless than she did then. She was afraid. Afraid that she spent too much time holding false hatred towards the woman losing consciousness. Afraid that if she were to call an ambulance, it'd get here too late. 

No. This wasn't going to be how this ended. Lexa didn't believe that Clarke's life was tied to some greater authority. There was no way that she was going to let anything take her away, especially after all this time. She'll defy which ever god that decided to curse Clarke just because their souls are tethered together. There was no way Lexa would let Clarke slip away just when she decided to forgive her.

“Hey, hey…” she cupped the woman's face. “Clarke, wake up.” When Clarke stirred, Lexa took in a sharp breath. “Do you have a car? Does Finn?”

“Finn…” was the only thing that came out of Clarke's mouth before closing her eyes again.

Lexa rushed over to the motionless body and began frantically digging in his pockets. When metal hit her fingertips, she pulled out the key ring and shoved them into her own pocket. 

“Okay.” Lexa tried to remain calm as she went back over to Clarke. She cupped her face again and shook her gently. “Clarke, look at me. I need you to help me. Do you think you could stand up?”

Clarke nodded slowly and tried to lift herself up on her hands. When she was able to do so, Lexa bent down, looped Clarke's arm around her neck and used everything in her to pick her up. They both grunted from the pain of their injuries but soon, Clarke was up on her feet. Lexa held Clarke close to her as they made their way over to the elevator. She knew that Clarke wasn't going to be able to have the strength to make it down the stairs. All she could do was wait impatiently for the doors to slide open.

It was taking too long. Clark was coming in and out of consciousness and Lexa feared the worst. She was calling her name softly, helplessly and Lexa did everything she could to soothe the whimpering woman. She kissed her forehead timidly, whispering hopeful promises that everything was going to be okay. Lexa pulled Clarke along when the door finally opened. 

“Lexa…” Clarke whispered against her ear. “I'm…I'm sorry. For everything…”

Lexa looked at her, swallowing down a disgusting feeling she had. She could see the tears form under Clarke's heavy eyelids until one broke free. It streaked down her cheek and Lexa gently wiped it away.

“Don't you start saying your goodbyes.” Her voice cracked from a sob that wanted to come. “You're stronger than this, Clarke. You're not dying here.”

Clarke's face twisted in agony and she let out a small cry. 

“It hurts, Lexa.”

“I know.” She held onto her as the elevator reached the bottom floor. “Be strong.”

They trudged through the lobby and out into the storm. Pulling out the keys from her pocket, Lexa jammed her thumb on the panic button. The distant horn of a car went off in an annoying pattern and she whipped around to see hazy headlights blink off and on. 

“Only a few more steps, Clarke.” Lexa panted as she led them to the vehicle.

The car beeped when she unlocked it and proceeded to open the back door. Lexa was trying to be as careful as possible as she laid Clarke down in the back seat but she knew that time was ticking away. When she saw that Clarke was as comfortable as she could be, Lexa hurried to the front seat. She froze. Her hand trembled above the steering wheel and her heart pounded violently. Images of a car accident years ago flooded her mind, leaving her paralyzed.

Costia.

Her curly hair tossed in front of her face. Her dark skin ruined by deep cuts that'd never heal. Her eyes will never shine in the sun again. Her lips will never smile again. All because of her. Lexa looked behind her at Clarke and her eyes widened when she saw that her breathing was getting slower and slower. If she doesn't get over her own demons, Clarke will die. She will die and it will be Lexa's fault again. She couldn’t let another person she cared about leave her, not when she had the chance to do something. Lexa clenched her teeth and steeled herself. Putting the car in gear, she pulled away from the corner and made her way down the street. 

The rain looked as if it was coming down harder than ever as the sky grew darker. Lexa tried her best to make her way down the street as safely as possible, but as time went by she couldn’t help but feel the urgency. She noticed that the old asphalt of the city roads were slippery when she nearly hydroplaned into another car. But she couldn't slow down, couldn't waste any more precious time. Clarke was slipping away from her and Lexa couldn't stand it. 

One red light ran. 

Lexa was desperate. Turning corner after corner with such speed, she thought that the car was going to flip.

Two red lights. 

She narrowly dodged an oncoming car. Lexa didn't care about the consequences. All that mattered was Clarke. 

Three red lights. Four. 

Soon, Lexa reached the building that had big red neon lights that read “Emergency”. The car screeched to a halt and Lexa quickly darted out. When she opened the back door, her heart dropped. Clarke wasn't moving. Her chest remained still as no breath was filling her lungs. _No_ , Lexa thought, _It can't be too late._ She ran inside, soaked to the bone by the rain, and looked frantically for assistance.

“Someone help!” She cried out and coughed from straining her voice. When two nurses ran over to her, looking like she was mad, Lexa tried to remain calm. “My friend…she’s pregnant and she's not breathing. Please help her.”

Without another word, the two nurses ran past her to the car as another woman walked up.

“What happened?”

Lexa didn't respond. Her eyes were fixed on the two people pulling Clarke out of the backseat. Another nurse ran by wheeling a stretcher and joined them outside. She watched as they laid Clarke on it and placed an oxygen mask on her face. When they made sure that she was secured, they rushed past Lexa again and down the hallway. She stood still, watching as the three nurses ran down the corridor, pumping oxygen into Clarke's lungs and pricked her porcelain skin with needles. She stared at them for as long as she could until they disappeared behind double doors.

“Miss?” The woman's voice finally broke through her trance. 

Lexa looked at her with a blank expression as she was still trying to process what had happened.

“Miss? Are you okay?” When Lexa nodded slowly, the woman continued. “The pregnant woman. What is her name?”

“Clarke Griffin.” Lexa said softly.

“What happened?”

“The father attacked us. In the fight…I think she fell.”

“On her stomach?”

Lexa knew that she was just doing her job, but the questions were frustrating her. She wanted to be by Clarke's side. Wanted to know if she's alright or if her nightmares were becoming reality. She cooperated with the woman and answered her questions to the best of her ability. She explained Finn's condition and fully expected her to call the police. Lexa refused medical attention until she realized how much damage a kick to the ribs could cause.

Soon, Lexa found herself sitting in a blindingly hot room with her shirt off. She sat there quietly, thankful that none of her ribs were broken but worry overshadowed it. Lexa didn't know anything about Clarke's condition. Every time a nurse would come into the room, she'd ask for her; to know any update. No one would answer her and it was driving her insane. Why would no one tell her anything? Not even a simple “yes” or “no”.

She stood up and made her way to a small mirror mounted on a wall. Lexa stared at herself, taking in her damp dark hair and bruised face. She wondered about how Clarke must have felt looking at this face her whole life. Not knowing why until it was too late. Tears filled her eyes then. She rejected Clarke and her ridiculous story when it turned out to be true. Clarke could be dead and she didn't even believe her. And now, she might never get the chance to tell her what she wanted to for a long time.

Lexa put her back against the wall, feeling its chilling surface seep through her skin. So many wasted chances she'd never get back. So many things she'd never get to say. Lexa slowly let herself slide down the wall just as her unshed tears blurred her vision and burned her eyes. She buried her face in her shaking hands and started to beg. Beg to anyone, to anything that'd listen to her thoughts. She wasn't a religious woman nor did she hold faith to a higher power but if someone was pulling the strings, they were going to listen.

This world has been so cruel to her, making her cold and callous. She hid herself from everyone who wanted to get close after Costia’s death. Bedding woman left and right, a different one every night but nothing could fill the void within her. Until Clarke. It was always different with her. Warmth replaced her dead winters heart. Laughter filled her ears where silence once was. Her touch brought life back into the walking corpse and everything was made new. Nothing worth it came easy though. From the very beginning her resolve was tested when it came to Clarke. She belonged to another, always doubted herself and their relationship. But Lexa still stayed when she found out that Clarke was expecting. Nothing was going to get in between her and Clarke. Nothing but the woman herself. Whatever tormented Clarke ripped them apart and Lexa was sure she was done with being vulnerable.

Every time she grew soft, Lexa learned that it was weakness. Learned that nothing good can come from exposing one’s frailty to the one who held the knife. But that's how it works right? To give oneself to another was to accept the possibility that they will cause harm. To hand them the tool of their destruction. It was. It wasn’t long after the meeting with Clarke that Lexa realized that she'd do it all over again. She'd experience all the hurt and heartbreak just to be able to say that Clarke was hers and she was Clarke's. In that moment between her sobs and pain, Lexa begged. Begged for the chance to tell Clarke what she wanted to tell her so many times before. The words her heart formed in her mouth but her head was too stubborn to release. 

The door to her room opened and Lexa darted a pop towards the intruder. Her eyes widened when Abby walked in and looked down at her. The older woman wore a long white coat with dark gray scrubs underneath. A stethoscope draped over her neck and the expression on her face was grave. Bewilderment briefly visited Lexa before she remembered that Abby was a doctor. She shook her head at her own thoughts for what were the chances that she'd bring Clarke to Abby's hospital. Lexa quickly rose to her feet as Abby closed the door behind her and walked towards her.

“Lexa.” Abby greeted her in a low tone.

“Abby…” Lexa grabbed the robe patients would wear, careful to not loosen the bindings around her mid-section. “Do you know about Clarke? Is there anything you could tell me?”

Abby remained quiet, only walking over to the bedside and picking up Lexa's medical chart. Lexa was growing tired of this place and their tight-lipped trait. She was not used to people not answering to her and was beginning to feel more like a prisoner than a patient.

“Dr. Griffin.” Her tone demanded attention.

Abby's eyes continued to scan over the papers a nurse filled out earlier, not making any particular sign that she was listening. 

“What of Clarke?” Lexa asked again, this time raising her voice. When the older woman refused to speak, she races over to Abby and snatches the chart from her hands. “God damn it, tell me what happened to her!”

The older woman looked at her then. Her eyes not expressing that of shock or anger but simply understanding. Standing this close to Abby, Lexa could see the redness around the dark colors of her eyes. The top of her nose, along with her cheeks were rosy in pigment and her brow seemed permanently tense. 

“Please…” Lexa pleaded. “I need to know.”

Abby held her silence for a moment longer before releasing a heavy, long sigh. 

“Clarke is in stable condition.”

The words themselves lifted a heavy weight off of Lexa's chest. But she knew Abby want finished. 

“Her doctor had to perform an emergency C-section due to the trauma inflicted to her abdomen.” Abby paused, struggling with her thought process. “One child, a girl, was still born.”

Lexa felt her knees become weak and she grabbed onto Abby's coat for stability. The pang in her heart was unfamiliar. This child was not her own but the news of her death pained her as if the baby was. 

“And the other?” Lexa's words struggled to break free from her tightening throat. 

“A boy. He's being treated as we speak.” Abby was experiencing the same emotional pain. A sniffle broke the silence and Lexa could see the older woman collect herself. “The police are here. They want to speak with you.”

“I have to see her.” Lexa began walking towards the door.

“She's resting, Lexa.” Abby stopped her. “You should let her do so.”

She slowly turned to Abby, and with fire behind her eyes, she tried to speak clearly and calmly. 

“The only way anyone will keep me from seeing her is dragging me away in handcuffs.”

Lexa could see Abby consider her words. She meant every syllable. Lexa needed to see Clarke with her own eyes. She needed to see those soft wavy golden locks caress that lovely face. Wanted to feel her warmth under her fingertips again even Lexa would go out kicking and screaming. Clarke's life was far more important than anything that could damage her own.

“I'll take you to her.” Abby said softly and walked past her. 

Lexa breathed in deeply and she followed close behind the older woman. Static chatter over a radio caught her attention as Lexa looked down one hallway they were passing. Two officers in dark uniforms stood in the middle of the corridor talking amongst one another. Flashbacks from many years ago stained her mind but Lexa marched forward, trying to ignore the cold sweat trickling down her spine. 

Minutes went by in their silent walk before Abby stopped at a door. Lexa peeked past her and through the window looking into the room. Half opened blinds obstructed her line of sight, but Lexa could see the slightest image of Clarke laying on a bed. She swallowed a sick feeling down and gritted her teeth hard. She walked into the dimly lit room slowly when Abby opened the door. Her eyes were trained on Clarke as she made her way over to the foot of the bed. Lexa was amazed at how peaceful she looked despite an oxygen tube running around her face and an IV-line pumping fluids into her arm.

“When you brought her here,” Abby whispered, “she wasn't breathing properly. Her heart beat was irregular and was losing a lot of fluids. During the C-section, everyone in that operating room fought to keep her stabilized. But her heart gave out. Clarke was legally dead for forty-two seconds before they were able to resuscitate her.” Abby cleared her throat when it cracked. “If you didn't bring her as fast as you did, I don't think she'd be here with us. You saved her life, Lexa. Thank you.”

Lexa felt a hand sit softly on her shoulder and stared at Abby. For the first time, she saw appreciation in Abby's eyes. The acceptance that Lexa fought for was finally there and she did not know what to do with it. All her life she searched for it and now that she sees a glimmer of it, it felt alien inside of her. Abby's gratitude tasted bitter sweet in her mouth as Lexa swallowed it down with the rest of her raw emotions.

“No.” Lexa shook her head slowly and looked over at Clarke. She visualized the last thing she saw before the air was squeezed out of her. Finn's rage and his hands around her neck. When light finally came, he was on the other side of the room, laying in his own blood. Clarke was inching towards her, covered in blood and relief in her face. “She saved _my_ life. Many times over.”

She felt Abby lay her head on her shoulder gently and sighed.

“I'll leave you alone with her. I'll try to hold off the officers for as long as I can.”

Lexa watched her turn and exit the room. Monitors beeped with each beat of Clarke's heart and Lexa felt hers match it. She made her way over to the side of the bed, pulled a chair up and sat by Clarke's side quietly. Lexa stared at her for a moment, sitting as motionless as Clarke rested. She wondered if the events that transpired would forever change them. Would the two souls lost today permanently hang about Clarke's head? Would it make it impossible for her to become the person she once was? Lexa shook her head. She was not one to dwell on how uncertain the future was. Placing her forearms on the bed, Lexa took Clarke's hand in her own and wept.

“I'm sorry…” she said in between soft sobs. “I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise. I don't know if you can hear me, but there's something I should tell you.” Lexa brought Clarke's hand up to her face, her lips brushing against the woman's knuckles. “I suppose I'll tell you the next time I see you.”

A soft knock on the window caught her attention and Lexa turned to inspect the sound. The two officers from the hallway stood outside the window with a solemn look on both of their faces. They didn't look to be in any particular hurry and when she gestured for one more minute, they nodded and walked away.

“But I'll tell you this now.” Lexa whispered when she looked back at Clarke. “Thank you. You brought this husk of a woman back to life. Before you, I merely existed. You came into my life at the right time. It's your silly grin and eyes as deep as the ocean.” She placed a kiss on Clarke's hand before continuing. “I have to go soon but I wanted to thank you again. As a woman who grew up into privilege, I tell you that the moments I've shared with you are incomparable. And I'm richer for having known you.”

With that, Lexa rose to her feet. She wiped away her tears that trickled down her chin and stroked her knuckles across Clarke's cheekbone. Before more hot tears could escape her, Lexa leaned down and placed a soft kiss against Clarke's forehead. She stood up straight, her eyes never leaving Clarke. She collected herself, clearing her face of any signs of emotion. With a straight back, just like she has been taught for years, Lexa left the room.

_____________________________________________

 

There was a flash of white as she pressed the button to capture the image before her. Up-tempo music surrounded her as she gave directions to the models posing against a white wall. She smiled as she gazed down at the camera, finding the perfect shot she was looking for.

“Alright.” She exclaimed in a pleased tone. “I think we got it.”

“We've only been here for a hour, Clarke.” A woman with dirty blonde hair and out of this world cheek bones crossed her arms. “Are you sure you're calling it?”

“Trust me Anya.” Clarke walked over to her and started grabbing her things. “Take a look at the slides. You're going to love it. Plus, I have a date.”

Anya smirked and shook her head.

“You're cocky, Griffin. Tell the little man I said hi.”

Clarke smiled back and cheerily walked out of the studio. Blue skies and a crisp breeze greeted her when she stepped outside. Autumn definitely has come to the city and she was excited to go to the park. Seeing the browns and reds of fall was exactly what the soul needed after a rather stressful week.

As she looked up at the early sky, Clarke had almost forgotten what it was like to be constantly being rained on. Even though two years had passed, she could remember those dark days like they were just yesterday. Cold rain and thunder rolls creep inside her dreams most nights but not as often as the earthy eyes and soft smile of a woman. She does not recall much of that night other than waking up seeing her mother, Raven and Bellamy at her side. The news of losing her daughter and meeting her son was enough to distract her from the fact that Lexa was nowhere to be found. Abby mentioned that she was asleep for the better part of a day after arriving to the hospital. As for Lexa? She had disappeared the morning before she woke.

For a while, Clarke felt like she was in slow motion as the world around her sped up. She barely remembers giving her statement about what happened to the officers. She tries not to think about burying Finn and her daughter, Cassondra. It took nine months until Clarke was able to accept her new reality – her new life. It hasn't been easy, nor will it ever be, but she was determined to be the mother Jake needed and that was all that mattered. 

She'd be lying if she said she didn't keep tabs on the absent woman though. Clarke would actively seek out news about the CEO and the company she ran. Often learning about her dealings with world leaders about establishing a way to bring clean air and water to the more rural areas of their country. Clarke was confused as to how Polaris went from a military global power to a leader in the fight against climate change. After grilling Raven on the subject, the fiery brunette admitted to Clarke that the nuclear weapon they had built was a dud. It ruined the company’s reputation and everyone pointed their fingers at the one who led the campaign. The shame and bad publicity was enough to force Titus Woods to resign his office, leaving Lexa back in charge with the full support of the board behind her. _“I rather see this company fail than see that it was the reason for a second Cold War.”_ She remembered Raven quote the words of Lexa and deep down, Clarke was proud. But the pain of not having the proper closure still hurt as it did two years prior. She still found herself looking for her in every crowd even though she knew Lexa was worlds away.

“Hey…” Raven said when she opened the door to her apartment, seemingly out of breath. “You're off early. We were just about to give him his lunch.”

“Well,” Clarke hugged her friend when she walked in, “I wanted to make it out for the park.” 

When she heard a squeal, Clarke looked over as she saw Bellamy walking towards them with a rather playful child thrown over his shoulder. 

“Hey Clarke.” He sported his charming smile. “Jake might be a little hyper today.”

She watched as he put Jake down and smiled when the toddler attempted to run towards her. His legs were still getting use to the activity and she found it absolutely adorable. 

“M-mommy!” Jake struggled to say in his baby talk.

Clarke picked him up and kissed him on his chubby cheeks.

“Were you good to Aunty Rae and Uncle Bell?” She said as she nuzzled his face.

“No, no.” Raven interjected. “ _Tía_ Rae.” 

Clarke chuckled and shook her head. 

“I know I've said this before, but thank you so much for watching him when you can.”

“It's no problem really.” Raven smiled when Bellamy wrapped an arm around her. “We're just practicing at this point.”

Clarke looked between them for a moment curiously. When the couple looked at each other and smiled, she gasped.

“No…” Clarke let the word trail, her eyes widening with realization and excitement. “You two – are you guys?” When Raven nodded, she yelled out with joy. 

Hugging them both equally, Clarke congratulated the expecting couple. She said her goodbyes shortly after and made her way through the city, with her talkative son strapped in the backseat. Just like the weather, everything around her was changing. Octavia and Lincoln had tied the knot a year ago and now the news that Raven is with child proved that change can be a good thing. 

Although the trees around her were getting ready to shed their leaves, Clarke could feel something bloom in her. She didn't know why, but she was feeling expectant. Like something was just around the corner, waiting to be discovered. As soon as that feeling came, she began to recognize the street she was traveling down. It was the route she used to take every morning about three years ago. A time when everything seemed to be planned out right before her until one fateful day. The museum slowly grew closer by the second and Clarke became nostalgic. She was thinking on passing right by it, to continue her route to the park and just enjoy the memories, but something nagged at her, willed her to stop. Clarke couldn't explain it, but the feeling she got was familiar. Deciding not to ignore it, she found a relatively close parking spot, placed Jake in his stroller, and made her way inside the museum. 

Memories hit her hard once she stepped foot inside the building. She remembered everything: the smell of old procured items coming back to life. The cold marble floors that made her footsteps echo. She loved this place but did not regret leaving it behind to grow on her journey of self-discovery. Jake cooed and bounced around in his stroller and Clarke could tell he was excited to be in a new environment.

When he began to get a bit fussy being in his rolling restraints, Clarke thought it was best to release the toddler. She watched him closely as he wobbled in front of her, looking every which way at the art on display. Jake was relatively a calm boy, only getting into shenanigans when he was sure no one was looking. So, when those “innocent” blue eyes of his looked back at her, Clarke smirked knowing that he was being mischievous.

“Jake.” She called out to him when he would stray a bit too far from her. “Stay with mommy.”

Clarke appreciated Jake’s spirit and curiosity. How he was a little dare devil but learned quickly to not do something twice if it caused harm to him. She was particularly grateful that he didn't look or act that much like his father. She wished no ill will for the dead, but it didn't mean that Clarke wouldn't count her blessings. 

She roamed the many rooms of the museum, seeing what was on display. Jake was doing quite well at touching every single thing they came up to until they reached one. Incased in a clear box sat a shiny bronze sculpture. With two faces, two sets of arms and legs. Clarke stared at the pear alien that was supposed to represent the Greek mythology of soulmates. She never knew she could look at something and feel disdain. To feel like this was the cause of what happened years ago. Even though she knew glaring at it wouldn't change anything, it doesn't mean she wished she had heat vision so that she could melt it down. 

Not knowing how long she had had a stare down with the sculpture, when Clarke looked away, terror filled her. She didn't hear any cute mumblings of baby talk bouncing off the cool walls. Didn't hear the pitter patter of small feet in the echoing floors. Jake was gone and panic rose up inside her like a volcano ready to explode. 

“Jake?” She called out, hearing her voice reverberate through the room.

Seconds ticked by with no high-pitched response and Clarke took off in search for her son. Room after room Jake was nowhere to be found. It was like he was never there and she began to wonder if that negative force that plagued her had returned to finish what it started. 

Just when she was going to seek assistance from an employee, Clarke saw the tiniest glimpse of the blue jacket Jake was wearing that day behind a woman crouching down in front of him. Her footsteps slowed as she approached but her heart still raced. Clarke could see that Jake smiled when she got close enough and the woman he was with peeked over her shoulder, looking right at her.

“Lexa.” Clarke said out of breath. She watched as Jake ran past the crouching woman and collided against her legs. He looked at her with his big blue eyes as she hugged her leg and then back at Lexa.

“Hello Clarke.” Lexa said as she rose to her feet.

Clarke stared at her like she was a figment of her imagination. Lexa's expression was neutral but her eyes looked guilty. Two years. Two long years and Lexa just greeted her like she saw her the day before. Clarke felt angry and somewhat betrayed. They had both experienced a life altering event and Lexa left her to face it all alone. But under all her anger and hurt feelings, looking into those eyes felt like coming home.

“Long time no see.” Clarke picked up Jake and shifted him onto her hip.

“Yes.” Lexa looked down at the floor before stepping closer to her. “It certainly has been.” She placed her hands behind her back and glanced over at Jake. “Is this your son?”

Clarke pursed her lips and nodded slowly.

“Jake.”

“He looks just like you.” Lexa smiled.

“What are you doing here?” The words fell out of  
Clarke's mouth faster than anticipated.

She could tell that Lexa wasn't expecting the question for the woman opened her mouth and staggered.

“I – I was returning something I no longer needed.”

“Which is?”

“A weapon a tyrant once had in his possession.”

Clarke didn’t need any further explanation for she knew of the item she spoke about. They stood there for a moment, staring at each other. They were strangers yet again, but something about being in the place where they first met made everything feel surreal. Like everything was coming full circle.

“I would like very much to catch up with you one day.” Lexa breathed in deeply before continuing. “If you wanted to.”

Clarke saw the eagerness in Lexa’s eyes. Saw how the woman’s mannerism had a subtle change to them. Although her back was still straight and her shoulders pointed and balanced, something about Lexa’s appearance was different. Clarke had trained her eyes to notice the slightest change in the woman’s demeanor and what she saw before her was foreign. It was something she found herself wanting to learn.

“We’re actually on our way to the park.” Clarke bounced Jake on her hip and smiled softly at Lexa. “You can come with us if you want to.”

Lexa hesitated for a moment, looking lost. Her eyes shifted between her and Jake and just when Clarke thought that she would decline, Lexa gave a single nod. In silence, they left the museum and strolled down the street since the park wasn’t that far. In their quiet walk, she would occasionally look over at Lexa, observing how her hands were in her pockets and her chestnut hair flowed gently with the breeze.

Clarke let Jake out of his stroller when they reached the park. Setting down a blanket on the grass near the lake, she invited Lexa to take a seat with her. They sat for minutes in silence as Clarke fed Jake some fruits and she began to wonder if they were ever going to strike up a conversation. The leaves rustled with the cool breeze Autumn brought and the distant laughter of other children was carried by it. After exchanging quick glances at each other, Lexa finally broke the silence.

“How have you been?”

Clarke did not want small talk. It was far too long of a time being apart for filler questions. 

“You left.” Clarke said sharply.

“I did.” Lexa replied softly, looking down at the leaf she was twirling in her hand.

“Why?”

There was a long pause and Clarke could see Lexa struggling to form the right words in her head.

“I wish I had an answer for you.” Lexa kept her eyes on the browning leaf. “But the truth is…I’m not really sure as to why. Maybe it was guilt for not being able to keep anyone from hurting you. Maybe I was just scared. But to be honest, I have no answer for you. Not one that’ll make my long absence acceptable.”

“I needed you.” Clarke tried not to let her emotions get the best of her.

“I know.”

“I almost died.”

“No.” Lexa finally looked at her. “I would not have let that happen.” Her eyelids were heavy but Clarke could see the sorrow underneath them. “It was shame that kept me away for so long. I know that no number of apologies could ever fix what I did, but now that we’re here, there is something that I’ve wanted to tell you for years now.”

Lexa paused and Clarke never saw her more vulnerable than she did that afternoon. A beat passed before the woman breathed in deeply and swallowed down what seemed to be her pride.

“I know that it wouldn't hold much weight now but I think you should know. I was never absolutely sure of anything. For a moment, I thought I was until you came along. You put it all in perspective for me. Showing me that I didn’t need to be sure. I wasn't sure of us. I wasn't sure that you would have me and when you did, I wasn't sure for how long.”

Lexa looked at Jake for a moment. Clarke wasn't understanding what she was trying to say. She wanted to say something but thought it was unwise to interrupt her.

“I wish I could say that I was, but when you left, it showed me that I knew nothing. But as I sit here, with you and your beautiful son, I’m only sure of one thing. Every morning when I woke up next to you, I tried my hardest to win your heart over every single day and I will continue to do so until otherwise.” Lexa looked back at her, her heart pouring through the greens of her eyes. “I am not sure what that ‘otherwise’ could be… but until otherwise, my heart is yours. That is the one thing I am sure of.”

Clarke was stunned by Lexa’s confession. Oh, how hard it must have been to carry those words for years, to have them hang heavily on her heart with no way of knowing if she would ever get the chance to say them.

Two years had passed but nothing changed between them. Finally, she received confirmation of Lexa’s feelings and all that anger she held quickly vanished. Clarke loved her then and she loves her still. Nothing has changed and knew that it never will. Lexa was her shelter but also her storm. People who are meant to be together are opposing forces of nature; they will wreck the world and each other. Some will say it would be best for them to stay away because a hurricane and a typhoon cannot live together. That was their curse. To love, but not evolve in it.

Clarke stared at Lexa, seeing the uncertainty in her. It did not matter how long they were apart just as long as they came gravitating back to each other. She did not think that they were cursed to be apart but that her father was right all along. Seeing Lexa in her reflection was a gift if it meant having her in her life. A gift of having a storm destroy everything she was not just to be able to create who she was always supposed to be. Clarke was finally swept away in the carnage that is Lexa and the idea of them truly being one. There was and will always be storms, but sunshine always came after.

She wanted to know who this woman had become in the two years they had been apart. Wanted to dive into the wonder and splendor of this extraordinary woman. Clarke looked down at her son who looked at the spectacle down by the lake and smiled. She turned her attention back to Lexa and sat up straight.

“Hi. My name is Clarke Griffin.” She said once she cleared her throat and stuck out her hand.

Lexa looked at her curiously but smiled softly when she figured out what Clarke was doing. Tears filled her eyes as she slowly took her hand and shook it slowly.

“Hello.” She paused, eyes fixed on her. “I’m Lexa Woods.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be he same person who walked in. That's what this storm is all about." - Haruki Murakami
> 
> And that's a wrap. Look. Don't Touch has been an emotional journey for you all, me included. This project took the better part of a year planning and writing and now that it's complete, I feel like a part of me has been exposed. I struggle with mental illness and I used these characters to reflect some of my personal experiences as well as personality. It was a risk and hopefully it wasn't in vain. 
> 
> Don't be afraid to tell me what you did and did not like about this story because, after all, this was my first fanfic and I'm still learning. I can't wait to read your comments and thoughts. 
> 
> Until next time, May We Meet Again.


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